My Christmas Wish

One Christmas tradition is to tell Santa what you want for Christmas.  Some travel to a shopping mall or event to see a 'Santa', some write letters and send them to the 'North Pole'.  I figured blogging my list was a legitimate as either of those options.  So, here goes:

Dear Santa,
I would like for the people who love and care about me to know how much I value them and care for them.  I'd like for the important people in my life to know that they hold a place in my heart and mind.  I would like to be able so demonstrate this to each of them this year either in word or deed. 

For my family, I would like to give them the gift of my time and presence, both physical and emotional.  Too often, I feel pulled by the obligations I have made that I neglect the desire to become the husband and father I want to be.

For my friends, I would like to give them support and camaraderie we shared in days gone by.  I know that we have all grown and changed and have various claims on our time, but I'd like to be able to stay connected in a more direct fashion.

For my clients and the families I serve, I would like to be able to give them my best efforts in helping to uncover their own strengths and remarkable qualities.  I would like insight to help them to get 'unstuck' and moving toward their goals and dreams again.  I would like the compassion to comfort their hurts and help them heal themselves and their relationships.

Finally, I would like to have the mindset that I need to have to see all of these gifts through a lens of trying to bring glory to God in my life.  I would like to be ever mindful of the fact that I want these things not only for myself, but because I believe that the people in my life matter to God and he is using me to reach them and draw them nearer to himself.

I know people sometimes add in "peace on earth" and the "goodwill toward men" as afterthoughts to their Christmas wish list... so I'll add to my list something that is just as likely: I'd also like an iPhone4s.  Just sayin'

Merry Christmas, Santa!

Thoughts on becoming self aware

Today is my 35th birthday.  I've been contemplating the implications and wanted to share some of the thoughts that have been bouncing around inside my head.  They all seem to come back to the idea of knowing myself... so here is a collection of the ideas:

The Matrix (1999) depicted the main character, Neo, as a man who had been trapped inside a virtual world his entire life, never knowing that his 'reality' was just a computer generated world.  When he got out of the Matrix and into the real world, he learned that nothing was as it seemed, not even himself.  By technological means, his mind is able to interact with the Matrix and he learns that he has a 'mental image' of himself, or a way of thinking about himself that affects how he looks and behaves.  It is called his 'residual self image', a kind of  sub-conscious way of thinking about one's self.  In my mind, I'm about 19 years old and 180 lbs.  I've got drive and stamina and the world is my oyster.  In reality, I can't do what a 19 year old can do... I've managed to find an extra 80 lbs or so and my get up and go got up and went. 


Orson Scott Card's 'Speaker for the Dead' (1986) introduces a profession, a sort of Eulogist.  The role of a Speaker for the Dead is to research the life of the deceased and then speak about it.  The speech is not to persuade, but rather to reveal, without bias, the person.  The Speaker tries to describe the life of the person as that person tried to live it, the good and the bad, the sterling moments and the flaws.  The deceased will hopefully have the honor of being seen in the entirety of who he/she was, a person.  In addition to being a key theme in the Ender Series of books, this ability to see past a person's actions and see the person themselves is appealing to me.  I don't know if I'm honest enough to see all of my flaws, but I like to think that I am open enough to be able to accept them when they are revealed to me.  Not to be comfortable with having those flaws, but comfortable enough to own them and be able to work on them to be a healthier person.

In the Eragon Series, the structure of the magic that binds the universe together is such that names of things have power.  This is a common enough theme in fantasy fiction, but Paolini utilizes a deeper structure, giving each item in his universe a 'true name'.  Knowing a thing's 'true name' is a form of power over that thing.  Knowing a person's 'true name' gives the knower power over that person.  Knowing one's own 'true name' gives one a special understanding or insight into one's self.  In 'Inheritance' (2011), Eragon is forced to examine himself so he can discover his 'true name' and, in doing so, learns that at least for sentient beings, a 'true name' is both defining and empowering because it is not permanent.  As a person grows, develops and changes, so does one's 'true name' because it is a reflection of the person.  It is the sum of what a person is: the good, the bad and the ugly.  I recall that in a moment of insight in my mid-twenties, I admitted that I was perpetually fearful that someone would look at me and point out that I had no clue what I was doing in ministry and would call me on it.  Every Sunday was shooting from the hip, every interaction was relying on my talent and education to make it look like I was confident that I had a plan.  I didn't always feel that way, of course, but it was an honest feeling.  It wasn't until I hit about 30 that I felt like I finally entered adulthood, that I belonged among capable, responsible adults.  In reading about the 'true name' idea, I wonder what mine would look like if I was able to really see myself as a person and not try to be what I thought others expected me to be.

In psychology, therapists sometimes work to help an individual gain insight into their thought process and how they learned to see themselves a certain way.  Frequently, I'll ask someone who has come to me for counseling how they see themselves... if they like who they are.  Frequently, I'll receive a reply that no, they don't like who they are.  Some are just unhappy with themselves.  Some hate themselves.  Some think of themselves as undeserving of love or friendship.  Interestingly enough, many of these same people are able to have compassion on others, to be gracious to others' failings or flaws and be forgiving to those who have harmed them while at the same time, not be able to be gracious to themselves or see themselves as being worthy of forgiveness.  And so part of the therapeutic journey to healing is learning to see one's self as a person.  No more and no less.

Biblically, I believe that God has a lot to say about how I think about myself.  My self-awareness begins and ends with my God-awareness.  It seems to me that God said I was a lot like him.  Made in his image, in fact.  So, I am a relational being, designed to be in relationship, to crave it and thrive in it.  In Christ, I am given an even deeper way to identify with my creator.  Turns out, I've done a crummy job of staying in relationship with God because of my sin.  Through Christ, I am able to have my sins forgiven and washed away so I can be restored to relationship!  Actually, I am brought in closer relationship with God.  Not only his creation, now I am his beloved child!  What a way to re-write my identity and ground it in relational language!  As a human parent, I have a small taste of what it means to love a child.  But not only a child, I am part of God's family as the bride of Christ.  Being married, I know the intimate relationship of a spouse.  What a way to re-write my identity and ground it in relational language!  Every time I turn around, God is revealing to me how much he values me.  Adopted child!  Beloved friend! I am bombarded with valuing terminology by which God reshapes me, day by day.  My limited ways of thinking of myself are shattered by the powerful evidence that God sees me, accepts me and refines me for his purposes.

I pray that my 'residual self image' is a projection of how God sees me: a broken vessel, refined by his grace to be used in his service.  My hope is that if anyone researches my life, they will be able to use it as a testimony of God's redemptive power for his beloved creation.  If ever I learn my true name, it will be the new name that I'm promised when God is done with me (Rev 2:17).  At 35, I hope I can remember that I'm not just a human being.  I am a human becoming.  It is a process.

-jeff

You wanna fight about it?

The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.
-Sun Tzu 

I need some help understanding a way of thinking that I run across weekly as I work with teens and their parents.  My supervisor once told me that people's knee-jerk reaction to emotional stress most often is either: avoidance or aggression.  I seem to be accumulating anecdotal evidence to verify this claim.  I am an avoidance person, mostly.

I, personally, recall only one time where I decided to try aggression.  I was about 11, I think, and I got my tail handed to me.  Luckily the kid I tried to fight decided I wasn't worth getting in trouble for and let me go.  So, I really don't understand the whole aggression stance.  I've worked with many teens who tell me about the fights they've gotten into and, from my perspective, they were all avoidable.  Usually, the cause of the fight has something to do with the teen feeling disrespected or hurt in some way.  However, their worldview has validated that physical fighting solves problems and so they don't ever develop other resources or options.  To them, fighting the other person is THE way to solve their problem.  Except that it is not... because there is always another fight about (whatever), so the problem isn't ever really solved.

It seems that Hollywood glamorizes and validates this worldview.  I think about movies like Rocky and The Karate Kid, to name a few (and date myself).  Sure, they discourage out and out street fights, but even with the structure of Boxing or Karate Tournaments, the message is still: beat up the other guy and you'll have respect.

Talking to a kid about his fighting, I tried to help him think through the consequences of his worldview.
Me: So, let's say you felt like some guy was talking smack about you... how would you handle it?
Him: I don't let people talk about me like that!
Me: Yes, I know... we're just pretending right now.
Him: I'd let him know he'd better stop. (an attempt to preserve his self-image as tough and fearless)
Me: Or else...
Him: I'd whoop his @$$!
Me: Okay.  So let's say that you fight him and teach him the lesson.  But... he's just like you and doesn't want people to think he is a wuss.  What might he do in return?
Him: Probably get his homies and try to jump me.  But it wouldn't be a fair fight (there seems to be a misguided attempt to believe in some sort of honor code among tough guy teens) and even if he beats me, people will know he's a chump because he couldn't take me one on one.
Me: Let's pretend that even in a two-on-one scenario, you manage to beat both of them.  If he still feels wronged, what might he do?
Him: I don't know, use a knife or something like that.
Me: So, if he used a knife on you, what would you do?
Him: I would make sure my homeboys got my back.  It'd be on!
(I draw a quick flow chart noting the escalation of the argument)
Me: So... when does this scenario end, if it keeps escalating?
Him: With someone dead, I guess.  But it wouldn't be me...

So, I have a meeting with his dad...
Me: So, in talking with your son, I noted that he seems to have a way of thinking about solving his problems that gets him into a position where he thinks the only way out is to fight with someone else.  I'm trying to challenge that thinking and plant some seeds that there are other options.
Dad: Yeah, I know.  I mean, I try to help him with that, too.  I guess he learned it from me.  I mean, he has seen me fight before when I was drunk.  I mean, I don't always fight, but sometimes.
Me: Well, I wanted to let you know so you could give him support and talk with him about looking at other options.
Dad: Well, yeah.  But sometimes, you know, you have to fight it out.  I mean, if you try and the other guy won't back down...
Me: I'm not advocating that he doesn't need to defend himself if someone attacks him, but I think that you're hitting on the mentality he's demonstrated.  It is one thing to say that when faced with the choice of defending yourself or letting yourself get beat up, you shouldn't fight.  I'm talking about making choices BEFORE you get to the point that some guy is angry enough to fight with you.  For instance, choosing to drink to drunkedness is a good way to put yourself in a situation where you might be forced to defend yourself against an angry drunk.  But if you make the choice NOT to drink, or hang around with people who get drunk and fight, you are less likely to have to fight.
Dad: Well, sure.  I try to make sure that he makes good choices and support him.  One time, this boy and his whole family came to the house and wanted to fight my son.  Their kid was bigger then my son, so I told him it was his choice to fight or not.  I knew my son could fight well, though, because I taught him some good boxing, so he started to fight anyhow.  By the time the cops showed up, he'd got in some good hits.  The cops stopped the fight and was all asking everyone questions.  One cop said, "The next person to say a word, except to me, is going to jail!"  Well, this guy from the other family was all flipping me off and stuff so I cussed at him and I ended up getting arrested.  Anyhow, I try to tell my son, that you'll never know how things are going to turn out.  Him and that other boy are pretty good friends now, so I told him he should find out other ways to solve problems than fighting.  Because, if they'd hurt each other somehow, they wouldn't be able to be friends now.
Me: ...
Dad: But also, I get you.  I stopped drinking because I know it is bad for me.  The last time I drank was this weekend. (It was a Thursday and he'd missed a session with his son on Tuesday because he was hungover - according to his son, anyhow)

I understand that I am not going to change a person's worldview in a short period of time, but I am still astounded from time to time.  So, I looked up some stats on teen fighting:
(source: http://www.keepschoolssafe.org/students/fighting.htm)

A survey asked teens to identify the causes of fights they'd seen:

• Someone insulted someone else or treated them disrespectfully (54 percent).
• There was an ongoing feud or disagreement (44 percent).
• Someone was hit, pushed, shoved, or bumped (42 percent).
• Someone spread rumors or said things about someone else (40 percent).
• Someone could not control his or her anger (39 percent).
• Other people were watching or encouraging the fight (34 percent).
• Someone who likes to fight a lot was involved (26 percent).
• Someone didn't want to look like a loser (21 percent).
• There was an argument over a boyfriend or girlfriend (19 percent).
• Someone wanted to keep a reputation or get a name (17 percent).

 These assumptions fit with my anecdotal evidence and go to reinforce that worldview of "might makes right".
Further, the website mentions: 

Teens who are frequently involved in fights often don't know how to control their anger and prevent or avoid conflicts. They often believe that fighting is the only acceptable solution.

For example, students who fight at school are much less likely than other students to believe that it is effective to apologize or avoid or walk away from someone who wants to fight. They are also more likely to believe their families would want them to hit back if someone hit them first.¹⁷

Students who have trouble controlling their anger or who are predisposed toward fighting (agreeing with statements such as, "If I am challenged, I am going to fight," or "Avoiding fights is a sign of weakness") are at least 50 percent more likely to get in fights.¹⁸

^{Anyhow, there are all sorts of ways to think about this sociological phenomenon.  I'm just curious, dear reader, what is your worldview or how would you go about convincing someone who has this worldview to adjust their way of thinking?}

^{"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called Children of God" Matthew 5:9} 

Discipline, Correction and Punishment

In my line of work, I often work with families who are experiencing some disruption in their household functioning.  I get called in to assess and help them develop their strengths and resources so they can self-correct.  When the issues revolve around the relationship between the parent(s) and the child(ren), we often have to discuss their parenting skills and philosophy.

Parenting philosophy?  Who ever sits down and thinks through what their philosophy of parenting is going to be?  We just kind of "do" parenting, right?  With few exceptions, people mostly learn how to be a parent because of their "starter kid" (kid #1).  We go to birthing classes to make sure we can survive the trauma of childbirth, but no parent comes through the process of child-rearing unchanged. 

So, most families I work with have never considered their parenting philosophy.  Particularly, the model used for discipline in a family is usually either 1) I know how I was raised and it seemed to work pretty well OR 2) I will never do (insert parenting action) to my child!  Either way, the main approach to parenting seems to be reactionary rather than proactive.

Now, I know that the dictionary definitions will list the following words as synonyms, but I believe that they have distinct connotations (that is, we have other thoughts and feelings that are attached to our usage of these words beyond what the dictionary says).  The words are: Discipline, Correction and Punishment.  I often hear people use the words interchangeably, as having the same, or similar meanings.  This is because their usage reflects their mentality about their parenting philosophy, ie it is reactionary.  It means, I primarily respond to how my children are feelings and behaving rather than being proactive and teaching them how to behave and feel. 

Here is the distinction I make between those concepts:
Discipline: Comes from the Latin root discere, which means to learn (we get the word discern from it) and from the Latin word disciplus, which means pupil. So, someone who disciplines (the parent) is someone who teaches.  This word, properly used, then should have a positive connotation.  Teaching and learning are associated with growth and development and strength.
Correction: This concept has to do with setting thing right (also from the Latin, corrigere, from which we also get the word corrigible: the ability of something to be changed, reformed or improved).  From a systems perspective, it can mean "to reverse a trend or pattern".  Again, this has a very positive connotation.  Making things right is empowering.
Punishment: This is the act of inflicting penalty on someone who has done something wrong; to treat roughly, to injure or hurt, to cause a loss of freedom or money or to provide physical pain for wrongdoing.  This clearly carries with it negative thoughts and feelings.  Inflict, withhold, deny, punish, penalize... all words that indicate that one would want to avoid what is connected with them.

So part of a healthy philosophy of parenting (in my experience) would be: Children deserve to be disciplined and corrected.  Children do not deserve to be punished.  If it is true that children are in the process of being formed and developed and growing, then naturally, they deserve to be taught how to feel and behave and corrected, or set on the right path, when they deviate. 

Discipline, then, is a long process that evolves to meet the changing needs of a developing child.  A parent who disciplines a child is a parent who teaches a child how to manage their emotions and control their behaviors.  When a child grows with that sort of teaching and guidance, the child should naturally develop a confidence in his/her own ability to self regulate those emotions and behaviors and very little correction should be necessary.

Why is it then, that the topic of discipline and correction of children such a challenge for parents?  Here are some possible answers:
1) Parents have inadequate coping skills for their own anxiety and thus are hindered in their ability to help their children cope with theirs.
2) Some children have experienced traumas which makes understanding rules and expectations challenging.
3) Many parents have inaccurate knowledge of how children grow and develop so they respond inappropriately to their children, based on their stage of development.
4) A common mindset for parents is that discipline = punishment and so they end up RESPONDING to inappropriate behavior, but never teaching and guiding to right behavior.
5) Humans learn by observation and some parents end up teaching their children, by their own behavior, how to cope with emotions and relationships in unhealthy ways, and then blame their children for not knowing better.

There are probably more reasons, based on specific circumstances, but that is sufficient to prove my point about how most parents don't ever stop to consider *how* they do their parenting.  We take it for granted that we will be in relationship with our kids because, well, they are our children.  So we tend to ignore the skill and maintenance that goes into regular relationships.  Skills like; spending quality time together, building trust, fostering communication, caring for the other...

I could go on and on, but the point I wanted to make with this post is this: "Children deserve to be disciplined (taught and guided in what is right) and corrected (set straight when they make poor choices).  Children do not deserve to be punished."

-jeff

Requiem

Working as a chaplain at the hospital, I was regularly summoned to be present for traumatic events: removing someone from life support; delivering news to waiting family that a loved one did not survive a surgery; responding to a multiple-car wreck ambulance call... and the worst kind of all: fetal demise.

Just thinking about having to endure any part of those situations is emotionally difficult for many people.  Medical staff, emergency responders, and law officers are trained to deal with them, but most folks just crumble when they think about it.  Of course, those situations are devastating for the families and individuals who have endured them.  Many times, a family member would comment to me, as everyone was leaving to mourn in their own way, "Chaplain, I don't know how you do your job."  It is easy, in a way, to remain compartmentalized in my thinking, my feeling about grief and loss.  Today, however, there was no way I could keep from feeling the enormous sense of sadness and emptiness that accompanies the death of a child.

This morning, we learned that the daughter of one of Amelia's lifelong friends died in her sleep, likely of hypoglycemic shock, or low blood sugar, and complications with her Type 1 Diabetes.  I was stricken with grief on several levels.  First, my heart broke as a parent, for our friend and her family.  Second, anxiety and fear for my own children, two of whom have T1D, gripped me and wouldn't let me go.  I shifted into crisis mode to make it through the day.  I went to my wife, to offer comfort and to be with her in joint grief as partners/parents/friends and we wept together.  Amelia took the rest of the day off work to tend to her grief and her friend.  I went to see my mom, because that is what moms are for.  Where I felt I needed to be strong for my wife, I felt I could just be a scared boy with my mom, so I got some more of my anxiety out.  Then I went to work, where I tried to be productive.  While I was helping other families deal with their dysfunctions and crises, I was fine, but I couldn't focus to do any of my paperwork.

I spent the evening with my kids, going to a play practice and then a homecoming football game, but now, as we get ready to put kids to bed, I'm faced with doing battle with a wicked team: Diabetes and Anxiety.  Although we live daily in the shadow of the specter of Diabetes, we are protected by an illusion of normalcy that allows us to believe that we have things under control.  Tonight, the veil we rely on to help us function has been ripped away by the death of our friend's daughter.  Tonight, we can't ignore or pretend that this reality doesn't exist for us: Death is always at our doorstep.  No matter our vigilance, our precautions, our education, our habits... Diabetes stands ready to claim the lives of our son and our daughter.

Earlier today, I asked a dear friend and fellow T1 sufferer, Sarah Ray, for some advice.  She has lived with the same issue, the same disease for many years.  She helped me to be able to come to terms with today:

"...Sarah, just wanted to let you know that _________'s little girl, _____, died in her sleep last night. I am not sure if you know them or not, but ____ was Type 1 and she had difficulty with seizures and such from her lows. _______ and Amelia have been friends since they were little girls. We are all pretty sad right now. Haven't told the kids yet, as they are at school, but would appreciate prayers and maybe even some pointers on how to help MH and Ethan not have anxiety over going to sleep.
love you,
jeff..." 

Sarah Ray
"... I am praying and very sad as well I had seen posts on Amelia's wall about her but had never gotten to meet her and I believe u guys have talked about her to me. Not sure how I did not connect with her. I am sorry its so close to home and I will try to think of some thing for MH and Ethan but I am just as scared some nights all I can have is faith that God is not done with me yet. I know having the Cgms will maybe help for MH and Ethan to feel safe sleeping. It scares me too,
Love Sarah..."

Sarah reminded me, helped me remember what my grief and fear caused me to lose sight of... God is in control.  He is in control not only of the life and death of my children, but of everyone's life, including my own.  I am not saying I believe that God caused the death of this precious child, rather, that God is ruler of life and death.  I agree with his servants the prophets who declared that his ways are higher than our ways and his thoughts, our thoughts.  I take comfort knowing that despite the tragedy we experience living in this broken world, God is a god of redemption.  He works to redeem not only people, but situations.  Tragic, awful, devastating situations.  Nothing is beyond God's ability to redeem for His glory.  So, while I mourn for my friend's loss, I rejoice knowing God is at work.  While I grieve for our sadness, I also sacrifice my anxiety on the altar of faith.  I think tonight, as I struggle to sleep, I hear God's voice whispering to me, "Dear child, things will never be the same, but trust me... it will be alright."  Come, Lord Jesus.  I'm ready for some tear wiping...

Advisors

Despite Malcolm Gladwell's assertions his book, Blink, I think it is far too common for people to get in trouble when they go with their gut feeling.  On a regular basis, I converse with therapy clients who are describing their anxieties, fears, neuroses, joys, obsessions and other issues.  At some point, we begin to discuss how they manage (or don't) their emotions.  Anger, for instance, is an emotion that kind of gets a bad rap.  Some of my clients have been court-ordered to attend "Anger Management" therapy or group sessions for the same.  The problem isn't primarily anger, in and of itself.  Anger is just an emotion like any other.  Any clinician will tell you that a great deal of the time, anger is actually a masking emotion.  The real cause of a person's anxiety lies in another uncomfortable emotion which is covered up by angry behaviors.  That is because angry behaviors are predictable.  When one chooses anger and angry behaviors (yelling, screaming, blaming, accusing, aggresssion), other parties tend to respond in kind.  Then the person doesn't have to deal with the real feeling... probably something like shame or embarrassment or hurt or guilt.  So really, what we are talking about is how we manage our emotions in general, not just anger.

So, we talk about what skills the client already possesses and uses to manage their uncomfortable emotions.  Ironically, angry behavior (which is distinct from angry feelings), IS in itself a method by which many people try to manage their other uncomfortable emotions.  Let me clarify: I often raise my client's awareness about emotions by pointing out that there are some emotions that we feel like we need to regulate and some that we do not.  Comfortable emotions are ones like: Happiness, peacefulness, calm, love, joy, pride, serenity.  We're okay with those feelings.  When we are feeling those things, we try to make those feelings last as long as possible.  Contrariwise, when we feel things like: guilt, disgust, shame, embarrassment, hurt, betrayal... we consider those to be quite uncomfortable and want to get rid of, or change those feelings.

I believe that one way to begin to change how we manage our emotions is to better understand how they should function in our lives.  Many people seem to believe the notion that if we feel something intensely, it has greater veracity.  That is to say, that the stronger we feel something, the more we think we should act on it.  While it is certainly true that strong feelings CAN indicate the right behaviors, it is not universally true.  Consider the following scenario: A guy goes out with a group of friends on a professionally guided backpacking trip.  One part of the trip takes the group to the top of a steep cliff face.  They break out the gear and get ready to rappel down the face of the cliff.  They anchor to a strong tree trunk at the top, have all the proper items: ropes, locking carabiners, harness, gloves, etc.  One of the guides rappels down to act as the belay person and everyone is ready.  So, our guy steps up and gets connected in his harness and is shown the technique.  Every precaution has been taken, and yet... he is about to step off the cliff and descend ... and he's never done it before and his heart is pounding and he's ... afraid.  His fear is almost palpable.  He decides to back down.  Better safe than sorry, right?  That is an example of allowing his emotion, fear, to dictate his behavior.  Now, what if he decides that, despite being fearful, that he wants to take the risk.  He recognizes his fear, but reminds himself that he has done every reasonable thing to ensure that he will be relatively safe in this endeavor and he hops backward off the cliff and enjoys the thrill of his (somewhat) risky behavior.  That would be an example of allowing his (justified) fear to guide his behavior (going with a group which includes trained guides, proper equipment, etc) but not control it.

In my opinion, this is what our emotions are for: to inform us.  Our emotions should guide us, but ultimately, they should not control us.  I like to think of a person's functioning as being similar to the President.  A good President surrounds himself with advisors.  Their function is not to make the ultimate decision, but to inform the President.  A military advisor may caution that a bordering country is becoming aggressive and needs to be dealt with by a show of force.  The agriculture advisor and domestic advisor may team up and offer critical information about that same country's trade status.  A military show of force would likely result in a loss of needed foodstuffs.  The President weighs all the available information and makes the decision that is best for the whole.  Things quickly become unbalanced when one advisor is allowed to decide for the whole based on that advisor's perspective.  In our emotional governance, this is all too often the case.

Think about the phenomenon of lovesickness.  Even this pleasurable emotion of love can be destructive if it blinds a person's reason.  A lovesick teen may be told by friends, "That guy is a jerk and treats everyone badly."  Being flooded with emotion toward her beau, she minimizes his behaviors or explains them away, "Well, he's only mean to people who are mean to him.  He treats me like a queen!"  Before long, the lovesickness wears off and she changes her mind.  It is important to recognize our feelings and even listen to them, but not to allow them to make the decisions that our reasoning mind should be making. 

Have you ever been on a roller-coaster of emotion?  Know someone who has acted on their intense feelings and been burned?  Consider doing things differently: allow your emotions to serve in an advisory capacity and slow things down so you can think about your decisions.

Some famous quotations for your consideration (I neither support or decry these quotes, I just found them interesting):

All great movements are popular movements. They are the volcanic eruptions of human passions and emotions, stirred into activity by the ruthless Goddess of Distress or by the torch of the spoken word cast into the midst of the people.
Adolf Hitler

How fortunate for governments that the people they administer don't think.
Adolf Hitler 


Comfort in expressing your emotions will allow you to share the best of yourself with others, but not being able to control your emotions will reveal your worst.
Bryant H. McGill

Emotions have taught mankind to reason.
Marquis De Vauvenargues 


Feelings are not supposed to be logical. Dangerous is the man who has rationalized his emotions.
David Borenstein

I can't say I have control over my emotions; I don't know my mind. I'm lost like everyone else. I'm certainly not a leader.
Richard Gere 


I loved her. I still love her, though I curse her in my sleep, so nearly one are love and hate, the two most powerful and devasting emotions that control man, nations, life.
Edgar Rice Burroghs

I think the smartest thing for people to do to manage very distressing emotions is to take a medication if it helps, but don't do only that. You also need to train your mind.
Daniel Goleman 


I understand that it's hard for everyone, but one cannot give in to emotions... we'll have to draw lessons from the current crisis and now we'll have to work on overcoming it.
Boris Yeltsin

I'm just basically spillin' out my emotions to the world. 'Cause rap is about emotion. And I want you to feel what I'm feelin', 'cause that's what it's all about.
Ludacris

If your emotional abilities aren't in hand, if you don't have self-awareness, if you are not able to manage your distressing emotions, if you can't have empathy and have effective relationships, then no matter how smart you are, you are not going to get very far.
Daniel Goleman

Just as your car runs more smoothly and requires less energy to go faster and farther when the wheels are in perfect alignment, you perform better when your thoughts, feelings, emotions, goals, and values are in balance.
Brian Tracy

Markets as well as mobs respond to human emotions; markets as well as mobs can be inflamed to their own destruction.
Owen D. Young

One is certain of nothing but the truth of one's own emotions.
E. M. Forster

Romantic love is an illusion. Most of us discover this truth at the end of a love affair or else when the sweet emotions of love lead us into marriage and then turn down their flames.
Thomas Moore

The advantage of the emotions is that they lead us astray.
Oscar Wilde

Your intellect may be confused, but your emotions will never lie to you.
Roger Ebert  

C.O.P.s

In our Bible class the other day, we had an interesting discussion about 2 Corinthians 3.  In that chapter, Paul the Apostle is talking about how one goes about getting known by others.  He rhetorically suggests that some sort of 'letter of recommendation' is the worldly standard.  However, those who are in Christ, he asserts, don't need some letter written in ink.  No, those are insincere and easy to fake.  A follower of Christ should have the Spirit of God writing spiritual information on those that we are surrounded by.  In effect, those who know us ARE our living letters of reference for those who do not know us.  And it is not ourselves, but GOD who writes about us on to others' hearts, when we are walking in the spirit.

Wow... what a heady thought.  The passage emphasizes the difference between the outward and the inward.  The written Law vs. the inward changes of the human heart, shaped by God's spirit.  So, as the Bible class was wrapping up, the facilitator mused something to the effect of, "I wonder what it would take for us to really incorporate this type of living.  To be totally infused, taken over, changed by this idea so that every moment of our lives allows us to be that aroma of Christ..."  Immediately, I knew the answer to her question.

There are a few situations in our lives that, ideally, should change how the think, act, and feel about life.  Worldview changing events that usually happen suddenly.  For instance, getting married ought to be one of those events.  Done right, the marriage relationship reshapes how one thinks, acts and feels.  From "I do" onward, every waking moment, every decision will now be filtered through a new filter.  Married persons should throw away the "What is best for me" filter and be prepared to use the "What is best for us" filter from here on out.  That is... until one has children.  Then, the world shifts again.  Or it should, anyhow.

Anyhow, my point is... those events become what I have termed, "Central Organizing Principles".  The fact that a person has become married means that he/she should no longer consider him/herself as an individual, but as a unit.  You don't have to throw away the 'self', but you DO have to incorporate your "other" into your oneness, or things are bound to go wrong.  Every decision made will be made with the new situation in mind.  If a person goes around making decisions based on the old standard of simply 'self'... see how long that organizing principle works for you.

Sometimes, people are blessed/cursed with other life situations that become COPs for them.  Just ask anyone who has ever been in a debilitating accident and lost a limb.  Everyday, they have a physical reminder of what has changed for them.  For my family, we had a COP enter our lives in December of 2004, when my 18 month old son was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes.  Quick recap for those who don't know: Type 1 is different than Type 2.  It is an autoimmune disorder where one's body attacks one's pancreas and basically shuts it down, preventing your body from making the hormone: insulin.  Without daily injections of artificial insulin, a Type 1 diabetic will die within days.

So, our lives began to be shaped by this COP, diabetes.  We don't eat a bite without being aware of how much insulin to give.  We don't leave the house without supplies to manage diabetes: insulin pump, extra syringes, candy for quick sugar boosts, ketone strips, apple juice, etc.  We don't sleep without checking blood sugar levels.  We buy clothing based on what is comfortable to wear over the insulin pump so not too many people will notice it.  We don't go on dates without knowing that someone who is knowledgeable about diabetes will be watching the kids.  Although it isn't real to them just yet, diabetes will eventually have a say in who they choose to marry because it takes a special someone to deal with the added stress and health risks; my oldest daughter, who was also diagnosed with T1 just a few years ago, will also have to worry about whether to have children because of the added complications of her diabetes.  It doesn't go away, but it does fade into the background.  It is normal for us to check blood sugars before we eat... our COP has become normal for us and, thankfully, it is not often that we feel oppressed by it.

But, as I considered the question from my Bible class, it struck me that the Apostle Paul was writing about how Christ should be the COP, the Central Organizing Principle in the lives of those who claim to follow him.  One's decision to follow Christ should be a commitment that is life altering and should permeate every aspect of one's being.  What we eat, what we wear, how we treat others, even how we THINK of others... who we marry, how we do what we do, how we take care of our health... That is why I said earlier that some people are blessed/cursed by other situations that become COPs for them. 

In one line of thinking, it is certainly a curse.  I wouldn't wish diabetes (or any other chronic illness or debilitating accident) on anyone.  However, there is a lot of redemption that goes on for those who are willing to view it as a blessing.  Diabetes has taught my family to be strong in many ways.  Diabetes makes us rely on each other more, look out for each other, be more aware of each other's limits and abilities.  Diabetes has forced us to rely on God's blessings of family and friends, and in doing so, has exposed us to the influence of some amazing people.  As much as I would willingly and immediately throw off the oppressive influence of diabetes as a COP, I am grateful for the effect it has had in drawing us nearer to the heart of God.

My desire is to allow the influence of the Spirit of God to become more of a Central Organizing Principle in my life and in the life of my family.  Unlike diabetes, which forced it's way in... God waits to be invited in.  Once he receives that invitation, he begins to write my life on the hearts of others with whom I am in a relationship.  I hope to expand my portfolio of 'letters of reference' as God's love becomes my central organizing principle.