The Blame Game: there is no winner

So often it is the case that when a person feels the emotion ANGER and exhibits angry behaviors (aggression, yelling, blaming), what is really happening is that they are experiencing some other uncomfortable emotion (by this, I mean a feeling that they do not enjoy having such as embarrassment, fear, shame, guilt, hurt, abandonment, etc).  Being unable to handle the uncomfortable feeling, a person is likely to COVER IT UP by choosing to feel ANGRY.  Anger is much easier to handle and usually results in distracting from the real emotion by escalating a situation to where it is necessary to address the angry behavior and the uncomfortable feeling can be overlooked by others OR allowing the individual to feel more powerful and capable by bullying others with angry behaviors so that others don't hold the individual accountable.

When I teach ANGER MANAGEMENT classes, one of the points I stress is that when a person is emotionally competent, he/she can verbalize and deal with uncomfortable emotions without using ANGER to cover up his/her real feelings.

Unfortunately, we are so accustomed to blaming others or situations for our angry feelings, it is difficult for people to see the truth: we are each responsible for our own feelings and behaviors.

I want to focus the rest of this post on one aspect of the ANGER issue: BLAME.  Blame is especially toxic because it pulls participants in and traps them, preventing healing or recovery.

The BLAME CYCLE:

Person A chooses to feel hurt, but being unable to express/deal with it -leading to- Person A tells Person B, "You hurt me." (a blaming statement)

Person B, not at all wanting to be responsible for Person A's feelings, gets defensive and either denies complicity or chooses to be angry and responds with angry behavior, thereby justifying Person A's feelings.  Either way, Person B, through words or actions, exhibits blame back on Person A.

One other possible outcome is that Person B has weak ego strength and accepts blame, but far from being able to handle it, wallows in self pity, which is equally unhelpful.

Neither outcome invites Person B (or Person A for that matter) to accept responsibility and change the outcome.  Rather, BLAME invites Defensiveness which escalates to ANGER and feeds into more BLAME.

So, how do you get out of the BLAME CYCLE?  It is straightforward, but difficult.
1) Accept your own complicity / collusion in the cycle and resolve to do something different.
2) Get rid of blaming language and behavior
3) Only state how you are feeling about a situation without commenting on the other's motives or beliefs.  Don't be a mind reader.  You don't KNOW what someone else is thinking or feeling.
4) Recognize that it is a process that takes time to re-program a communication pattern.
5) Learn to recognize the underlying emotions behind your anger and learn to express your feelings without blaming.

Here is a sample of a session with an adolescent who is hurt because his/her father did not follow through on a promise to attend an event.  Note that the Youth has been pre-trained by experience and society to fall back on Blaming behavior to explain what he/she is feeling.

Youth: Here is something we can talk about: I'm mad at my father.
Therapist: You feel anger toward your father?
Youth: Yes, he promised to come to my event, which I told him about a month ago and he said he would come.  Yesterday, he told me that he couldn't come, and it is tomorrow.
Therapist: You feel like he is breaking a promise to you.
Youth: Yeah.  He's done it before, but I know he could come if he wanted to.  I mean, he is the manager and when I've been visiting with him, he sometimes takes off in the afternoons when he wants to.
Therapist: It has been my experience that when people think that they are angry about something, that there is usually a deeper emotion underneath that anger.  What feeling word or words would you say are behind the anger?
Youth: I don't know.  Sad.  Mad.
Therapist: How about... hurt?
Youth: Yeah!  It hurts that he doesn't want to see me.  Dads should want to come and be proud of their kids and stuff.
Therapist: It hurts because...
Youth: Because... because it feels like other things are more important to him than I am.
Therapist: You feel devalued.
Youth: Yeah.

**At this point, the therapist has helped the Youth to identify and express the underlying emotion that is covered up by being angry.  Now, the therapist will coach the Youth on how to express it in a healthy way**

Therapist: I think it is good that you are able to express how you are really feeling.  Some people just get angry and do hurtful things, like punch walls and say ugly things that they can't take back.  What do you think would be a good way to share how you feel with your Dad?
Youth: I don't think I could say any of that stuff to him.  Maybe I could write him a letter and tell him that I'm disappointed that he lied to me about coming to my event.
Therapist: If you were a parent and you got a letter from your child like that, how would you feel?
Youth: ... bad, I guess, but he should feel bad for lying to me.
Therapist: I don't disagree with you, but I have found that if we can share our feelings without blaming others for them, the other person is more likely to respond without getting angry back at us.
Youth: What do you mean?  I don't get it.
Therapist: I think it is a good idea to express how you are feeling, but think about this, if you are basically going to tell him, "I'm mad at you because you lied to me", do you think he is more likely or less likely to try and defend himself and come up with some excuse for his behavior?
Youth: More likely
Therapist: Okay, so I've usually experienced that when someone gets defensive, the best defense is a good offense and they usually get angry back.  So, I'm just saying that if we can stick to talking about how YOU feel, instead of blaming him for making you feel that way, he is less likely to get defensive about it and remain open to hearing what you have to say.
Youth: Okay.  How do I say it then?
Therapist: How about something like: "I was excited when you told me you could come to my event and I was disappointed when I found out that you weren't going to be able to make it.  Part of me feels like if you really wanted to, you would find a way to make it.  I know you are busy, but when you chose other things before me, it feels like I am less important to you.  I would like to feel like I am important to you."
Youth: But isn't that still blaming him?
Therapist: I know it sounds similar, but by only stating the situation and how YOU feel about it, you lessen the chance that he will get defensive and by using gracious language like, "I know you are busy" and "it feels like" instead of accusing him of doing something to purposely hurt you, it doesn't make him responsible for how you are feeling.  Stating what you want from him allows him to accept responsibility for his actions and choose to start behaving differently.

***********
Now, I know that it is highly possible and even probable that the Youth's father will feel bad or ashamed or even guilty and that he will not respond to the Youth's invitation to step up and behave differently.  That would be unfortunate, but it would not be because the Youth didn't do her best.  Of course relationships are complex and it helps if both parties are interested in becoming emotionally healthy individuals.  The bottom line is that when even when it is justified, BLAME doesn't help.  It only encourages defensiveness and reciprocal anger.  Note also, that BLAMING is different from helping a person to accept responsibility.  They sound like the same thing, but they carry different connotations.

Feedback?  Questions?  email or comment!

-jeff

Listen and learn

There is an old saying, "God gave us two ears and only one mouth so that we will listen twice as much as we talk."  I don't know who originally came up with that, but in my experience, it is good advice.

I frequently get to observe the communication process between individuals in a relationship and I am almost always intrigued to discover what their interactions reveal about their relationship.  It doesn't matter what the nature of the relationship is, marriage partners, parent-child, friend, boss-employee... all behavior is communication and it is very revealing if you know what to look for.


When a relationship is in conflict, research indicates that having conflict itself is not an indicator of the health of the relationship, but how each individual conducts themselves in the midst of conflict is a strong predictor of the stability and health of the relationship.  People who have a high positive regard for each other tend to be able to have conflict and still like each other because they aren't cruel to each other during the conflict.  They can disagree without being disagreeable.

Too often, the communication patterns I witness are locked in a pattern where the same arguments are made over and over and the conversation never goes anywhere, except to reinforce the hurt that each individual feels.  I try to coach individuals who are stuck in a situation where there is no traction that they need to spend less attention on what is being said and more attention listening to how it is being said.

Being attentive to the emotions of the other person is a miracle communication tool.  When a person feels like they are being heard and understood, they feel valued.  Conversely, when in an argument and we are more focused on making sure that the other person sees how right our viewpoint is... it is easy for the other person to feel less valued because they don't feel heard or understood.

Daughter: I feel like I have to always walk on eggshells at home because I never know how Mom is going to react.

Mom: She says that I overreact and don't talk to her for weeks, but she ignores the fact that I still do her laundry, I still cook for her, I still work to pay the bills for her computer and her cell phone.  How is that ignoring her?  I give her plenty of opportunities for her to come and talk, but she is always walking away.

 In the above snippet, the daughter is expressing how she feels, putting the mom on the defensive.  Because Mom is more attuned to her hurt feelings, she is unable to acknowledge and validate her daughter's viewpoint.  To be fair, the daughter is doing the same thing (thus the traction-less cycle they are in), but I don't expect the child to be more capable than the adult of being able to control her emotions, it is something I try to teach the parent before I work on the child.  So, I challenge the mom: "Right now, don't focus on whether you agree or disagree with what your daughter is saying, just try to reflect what you think she is feeling.  You may not agree with her, but right now it is more important that she feels that you understand her."  I ask the daughter to restate her last statement

Daughter: Sometimes it feels like no matter what I say or do, you overreact.  I feel like I can't tell you anything because nothing is ever good enough for you.

Mom: (bristling) What do you want me to say to that?  She is just attacking me again!

Jeff: What do you think she is feeling?

Mom: (sighing) She feels like she can't talk to me because I overreact.

Jeff: That is what is happening.  What do you think she might be feeling?

Mom: I don't know?  Hurt?  Frustrated?  Lonely?

Jeff: Okay, how about asking her if she feels those things because of the situation...

Mom: (thinking about the phrasing...) Okay... so... You feel hurt because when you tell me stuff, I blow it out of proportion.  I can see how that could be frustrating.

Daughter: Yeah, it is.  I mean, I used to be able to talk to you about lots of stuff, but lately it seems like you are just looking for something to yell at me about.

And the mom is stunned that her daughter hasn't completely shut down again.  The previous exchange shows how reflecting a person's feelings can help to break the blame and defensiveness cycle and gain some traction in the conversation.  It allows the conversation to move forward. 

It sounds pretty easy, but in practice it is a difficult thing to do, to ignore the gut reaction to respond and tell the person why they are wrong.  Instead, if we can push that instinct back and instead, try to reflect what the other person is feeling, it breaks the cycle of devaluing language and behavior and invites the other person to feel like they are being heard and understood, giving the communication process traction to move forward.

Give it a try and let me know how it goes!

-jeff

You wanna fight about it?

The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.
-Sun Tzu 

I need some help understanding a way of thinking that I run across weekly as I work with teens and their parents.  My supervisor once told me that people's knee-jerk reaction to emotional stress most often is either: avoidance or aggression.  I seem to be accumulating anecdotal evidence to verify this claim.  I am an avoidance person, mostly.

I, personally, recall only one time where I decided to try aggression.  I was about 11, I think, and I got my tail handed to me.  Luckily the kid I tried to fight decided I wasn't worth getting in trouble for and let me go.  So, I really don't understand the whole aggression stance.  I've worked with many teens who tell me about the fights they've gotten into and, from my perspective, they were all avoidable.  Usually, the cause of the fight has something to do with the teen feeling disrespected or hurt in some way.  However, their worldview has validated that physical fighting solves problems and so they don't ever develop other resources or options.  To them, fighting the other person is THE way to solve their problem.  Except that it is not... because there is always another fight about (whatever), so the problem isn't ever really solved.

It seems that Hollywood glamorizes and validates this worldview.  I think about movies like Rocky and The Karate Kid, to name a few (and date myself).  Sure, they discourage out and out street fights, but even with the structure of Boxing or Karate Tournaments, the message is still: beat up the other guy and you'll have respect.

Talking to a kid about his fighting, I tried to help him think through the consequences of his worldview.
Me: So, let's say you felt like some guy was talking smack about you... how would you handle it?
Him: I don't let people talk about me like that!
Me: Yes, I know... we're just pretending right now.
Him: I'd let him know he'd better stop. (an attempt to preserve his self-image as tough and fearless)
Me: Or else...
Him: I'd whoop his @$$!
Me: Okay.  So let's say that you fight him and teach him the lesson.  But... he's just like you and doesn't want people to think he is a wuss.  What might he do in return?
Him: Probably get his homies and try to jump me.  But it wouldn't be a fair fight (there seems to be a misguided attempt to believe in some sort of honor code among tough guy teens) and even if he beats me, people will know he's a chump because he couldn't take me one on one.
Me: Let's pretend that even in a two-on-one scenario, you manage to beat both of them.  If he still feels wronged, what might he do?
Him: I don't know, use a knife or something like that.
Me: So, if he used a knife on you, what would you do?
Him: I would make sure my homeboys got my back.  It'd be on!
(I draw a quick flow chart noting the escalation of the argument)
Me: So... when does this scenario end, if it keeps escalating?
Him: With someone dead, I guess.  But it wouldn't be me...

So, I have a meeting with his dad...
Me: So, in talking with your son, I noted that he seems to have a way of thinking about solving his problems that gets him into a position where he thinks the only way out is to fight with someone else.  I'm trying to challenge that thinking and plant some seeds that there are other options.
Dad: Yeah, I know.  I mean, I try to help him with that, too.  I guess he learned it from me.  I mean, he has seen me fight before when I was drunk.  I mean, I don't always fight, but sometimes.
Me: Well, I wanted to let you know so you could give him support and talk with him about looking at other options.
Dad: Well, yeah.  But sometimes, you know, you have to fight it out.  I mean, if you try and the other guy won't back down...
Me: I'm not advocating that he doesn't need to defend himself if someone attacks him, but I think that you're hitting on the mentality he's demonstrated.  It is one thing to say that when faced with the choice of defending yourself or letting yourself get beat up, you shouldn't fight.  I'm talking about making choices BEFORE you get to the point that some guy is angry enough to fight with you.  For instance, choosing to drink to drunkedness is a good way to put yourself in a situation where you might be forced to defend yourself against an angry drunk.  But if you make the choice NOT to drink, or hang around with people who get drunk and fight, you are less likely to have to fight.
Dad: Well, sure.  I try to make sure that he makes good choices and support him.  One time, this boy and his whole family came to the house and wanted to fight my son.  Their kid was bigger then my son, so I told him it was his choice to fight or not.  I knew my son could fight well, though, because I taught him some good boxing, so he started to fight anyhow.  By the time the cops showed up, he'd got in some good hits.  The cops stopped the fight and was all asking everyone questions.  One cop said, "The next person to say a word, except to me, is going to jail!"  Well, this guy from the other family was all flipping me off and stuff so I cussed at him and I ended up getting arrested.  Anyhow, I try to tell my son, that you'll never know how things are going to turn out.  Him and that other boy are pretty good friends now, so I told him he should find out other ways to solve problems than fighting.  Because, if they'd hurt each other somehow, they wouldn't be able to be friends now.
Me: ...
Dad: But also, I get you.  I stopped drinking because I know it is bad for me.  The last time I drank was this weekend. (It was a Thursday and he'd missed a session with his son on Tuesday because he was hungover - according to his son, anyhow)

I understand that I am not going to change a person's worldview in a short period of time, but I am still astounded from time to time.  So, I looked up some stats on teen fighting:
(source: http://www.keepschoolssafe.org/students/fighting.htm)

A survey asked teens to identify the causes of fights they'd seen:

• Someone insulted someone else or treated them disrespectfully (54 percent).
• There was an ongoing feud or disagreement (44 percent).
• Someone was hit, pushed, shoved, or bumped (42 percent).
• Someone spread rumors or said things about someone else (40 percent).
• Someone could not control his or her anger (39 percent).
• Other people were watching or encouraging the fight (34 percent).
• Someone who likes to fight a lot was involved (26 percent).
• Someone didn't want to look like a loser (21 percent).
• There was an argument over a boyfriend or girlfriend (19 percent).
• Someone wanted to keep a reputation or get a name (17 percent).

 These assumptions fit with my anecdotal evidence and go to reinforce that worldview of "might makes right".
Further, the website mentions: 

Teens who are frequently involved in fights often don't know how to control their anger and prevent or avoid conflicts. They often believe that fighting is the only acceptable solution.

For example, students who fight at school are much less likely than other students to believe that it is effective to apologize or avoid or walk away from someone who wants to fight. They are also more likely to believe their families would want them to hit back if someone hit them first.¹⁷

Students who have trouble controlling their anger or who are predisposed toward fighting (agreeing with statements such as, "If I am challenged, I am going to fight," or "Avoiding fights is a sign of weakness") are at least 50 percent more likely to get in fights.¹⁸

^{Anyhow, there are all sorts of ways to think about this sociological phenomenon.  I'm just curious, dear reader, what is your worldview or how would you go about convincing someone who has this worldview to adjust their way of thinking?}

^{"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called Children of God" Matthew 5:9} 

Discipline, Correction and Punishment

In my line of work, I often work with families who are experiencing some disruption in their household functioning.  I get called in to assess and help them develop their strengths and resources so they can self-correct.  When the issues revolve around the relationship between the parent(s) and the child(ren), we often have to discuss their parenting skills and philosophy.

Parenting philosophy?  Who ever sits down and thinks through what their philosophy of parenting is going to be?  We just kind of "do" parenting, right?  With few exceptions, people mostly learn how to be a parent because of their "starter kid" (kid #1).  We go to birthing classes to make sure we can survive the trauma of childbirth, but no parent comes through the process of child-rearing unchanged. 

So, most families I work with have never considered their parenting philosophy.  Particularly, the model used for discipline in a family is usually either 1) I know how I was raised and it seemed to work pretty well OR 2) I will never do (insert parenting action) to my child!  Either way, the main approach to parenting seems to be reactionary rather than proactive.

Now, I know that the dictionary definitions will list the following words as synonyms, but I believe that they have distinct connotations (that is, we have other thoughts and feelings that are attached to our usage of these words beyond what the dictionary says).  The words are: Discipline, Correction and Punishment.  I often hear people use the words interchangeably, as having the same, or similar meanings.  This is because their usage reflects their mentality about their parenting philosophy, ie it is reactionary.  It means, I primarily respond to how my children are feelings and behaving rather than being proactive and teaching them how to behave and feel. 

Here is the distinction I make between those concepts:
Discipline: Comes from the Latin root discere, which means to learn (we get the word discern from it) and from the Latin word disciplus, which means pupil. So, someone who disciplines (the parent) is someone who teaches.  This word, properly used, then should have a positive connotation.  Teaching and learning are associated with growth and development and strength.
Correction: This concept has to do with setting thing right (also from the Latin, corrigere, from which we also get the word corrigible: the ability of something to be changed, reformed or improved).  From a systems perspective, it can mean "to reverse a trend or pattern".  Again, this has a very positive connotation.  Making things right is empowering.
Punishment: This is the act of inflicting penalty on someone who has done something wrong; to treat roughly, to injure or hurt, to cause a loss of freedom or money or to provide physical pain for wrongdoing.  This clearly carries with it negative thoughts and feelings.  Inflict, withhold, deny, punish, penalize... all words that indicate that one would want to avoid what is connected with them.

So part of a healthy philosophy of parenting (in my experience) would be: Children deserve to be disciplined and corrected.  Children do not deserve to be punished.  If it is true that children are in the process of being formed and developed and growing, then naturally, they deserve to be taught how to feel and behave and corrected, or set on the right path, when they deviate. 

Discipline, then, is a long process that evolves to meet the changing needs of a developing child.  A parent who disciplines a child is a parent who teaches a child how to manage their emotions and control their behaviors.  When a child grows with that sort of teaching and guidance, the child should naturally develop a confidence in his/her own ability to self regulate those emotions and behaviors and very little correction should be necessary.

Why is it then, that the topic of discipline and correction of children such a challenge for parents?  Here are some possible answers:
1) Parents have inadequate coping skills for their own anxiety and thus are hindered in their ability to help their children cope with theirs.
2) Some children have experienced traumas which makes understanding rules and expectations challenging.
3) Many parents have inaccurate knowledge of how children grow and develop so they respond inappropriately to their children, based on their stage of development.
4) A common mindset for parents is that discipline = punishment and so they end up RESPONDING to inappropriate behavior, but never teaching and guiding to right behavior.
5) Humans learn by observation and some parents end up teaching their children, by their own behavior, how to cope with emotions and relationships in unhealthy ways, and then blame their children for not knowing better.

There are probably more reasons, based on specific circumstances, but that is sufficient to prove my point about how most parents don't ever stop to consider *how* they do their parenting.  We take it for granted that we will be in relationship with our kids because, well, they are our children.  So we tend to ignore the skill and maintenance that goes into regular relationships.  Skills like; spending quality time together, building trust, fostering communication, caring for the other...

I could go on and on, but the point I wanted to make with this post is this: "Children deserve to be disciplined (taught and guided in what is right) and corrected (set straight when they make poor choices).  Children do not deserve to be punished."

-jeff