Vacationing with Diabetes

Having just returned from vacation, I would normally be sharing the highlights of the trip.  But I'll save that for other social media.  Here on the blog, I want to discuss the experience of taking Diabetes along with us on vacation.

You see, Diabetes doesn't just visit us occasionally, he barged into our lives 10 years ago and will not go away.  Our vacation prep started by trying to pack and tie up loose ends, but also included shelling out big bucks to make sure we had supplies to manage the kids' diabetes while on the road: extra insulin pods, extra insulin, syringes, test strips, glucagon shots, ketone strips, juice boxes and skittles and PB crackers for lows... 

Once all that was taken care of, we loaded up and started on our trip.  On the second day of the trip, we hit our first bump in the road: apparently, of all the extra insulin pods (Omnipods, the brand of pump we use), we apparently had over half of them from a bad lot which kept failing.  We usually change pods every three days.  Planning on being gone 9 days, that means, at minimum we needed 3 pods per kid, or 6 pods.  We packed 15.  By day two, we had already run through four pods because they kept failing, requiring us to discard the malfunctioning pods and apply new ones.

Traveling means long stretches of inactivity while riding in the car, coupled with boredom and a lack of healthy snack foods means we typically have higher BGs when on the road.  That is not usually a big deal, as we compensate for it with insulin intake and extra BG checks.  However, on this trip, we were fighting blood glucose lows instead of highs.  We went through lots of juice boxes and snacks and had to be extra vigilant for the first leg of our trip.

Sherly watches over the kids as they explore the Grand Canyon

After our first long day of travel, we spent day two at the Grand Canyon.  It was breathtaking.  It was amazing.  It was a place where memories were made.  Of course, diabetes wanted to make some memories, too.  After being cooped up in the car, the previous day, diabetes came with us as we hiked along the South Rim.  I wish we could have just enjoyed the view, but we had to stop every couple of hours and make sure the kids' BG were in range.  All in all, it wasn't such a bad BG day though.

Day three at the Hoover Dam was a blast, but keeping up with supplies and keeping the kids' kits stocked was a challenge, because we were burning through juice boxes.  Turns out, while Amelia, MH and I were touring the visitor's center, we got a call from our traveling companions that Ethan had left his glucometer in the car, which was parked in the parking structure.  Not an insurmountable challenge, but it highlights one of our challenges.  If he had left his wallet or his camera, we would have said something like, "Oh, well.  You need to learn to keep up with your things, mister."  But we cannot NOT go get his glucometer/controller for his pump.  I want to point out that 90% of the time, both kids are very responsible with keeping up with their kits, but those 10% when they forget, it is almost always inconvenient.

We drove from Hoover Dam to Las Vegas to have dinner on the strip and got to see some amazing things, like the fountain in front of the Bellagio and costumed vendors hawking photo opportunities for "tips" (I'm sorry, but the standard tip is $5, sir...)  On our hike up and down the Strip, MH had a low and we discovered that neither of them had restocked their kits with extra juice or crackers, but we managed (this will be a theme for the rest of the trip).

The next morning, we got up and made ready to travel to the end of route 66: The Santa Monica pier!  But before we left, we needed to change MH's pod and... you guessed it...old pod off and two pod failures from the bad lot means three more pods unusable.  We are now three days in and we've gone through half our pods.  The rest of the drive to the coast was scenic as outside we saw the environment change from desert to mountain to coastal plains.  We spent the rest of the day playing in the Pacific and on the pier.  It was fantastic. 

One of the side effects of traveling, we discovered, was the stress it adds to an already stressed out Diabetic Alert Dog.  Aside from having her routine interrupted and rollercoaster BGs with the kids, she didn't eat very well and developed an upset stomach.  Sherly started exhibiting signs of distress and we ended up having to take her to the vet the morning we were supposed to head to Disneyland.  We ended up letting her stay at the vet the first day, but it put us a couple of hours late.  Then, after only one ride, we stopped to check BG and Ethan's pod failed.  And then the spare he brought with him failed.  And MH didn't restock her kit from the day before so we had ZERO pods and ZERO extra supplies.  So, Ethan and I left the park and went back to the house where we were staying to gear up and restock.  That put us back to Disneyland at about 2pm, having only experienced the parking facility and Cars Land (in California Adventures).  The rest of the day went by without a significant incident until, at the end of the day, when we were watching the Wonderful World of Color, Ethan started crying.  I asked him if everything was okay and he made some nonsense reply and I immediately sat him down to check his BG: he was low.  Luckily, we had supplies, so we quickly recovered and enjoyed the rest of the show.  

I won't bore you with the minute by minute details of how diabetes follows us around and makes us jump through hoops, but the following pictures are typical of every couple of hours (or sooner), we would have to stop what we were doing and make sure that the kids weren't about to get sick from high BG or pass out from low BG. 

     

After all the pod failures, we panicked a little and had the Endocrinology team at OU call in some Lantus and backup supplies to a Wal-Green's in Anaheim.  We figured that at the rate we were going through pods and supplies, we had better have backup in case we ran out and had to revert to using Lantus and Novalog injections.  Unfortunately, with it being the beginning of the year and our deductible not met yet, that set us back another $1,000.  OUCH!

I guess the only other big event that happened was our 2nd day at Disney, we had extra supplies in Amelia's backpack and had even had Ethan repack his kit so we could use the backpack for extra supplies.  At one point, Amelia and the girls all went for a special lunch with the Princesses and I was with Ethan and his best friend, Jonah Mace, and their family.  Ethan said he felt low and checked his BG and he was 53.  I told him to go ahead and drink a juice and we would get some lunch.  At that point, we had this exchange:
Me: Okay, get a juice and some crackers in you, brother.
Ethan: Um, dad, you told me to clean out my backpack so mom could use it for supplies.
Me: Yes.
Ethan: So I did, but all of my supplies were in the backpack that mom has.
Me: You didn't restock the kit you have with you?
Ethan: No, I just have my glucometer...
Me: *sigh*

We powerwalked through the crowds, trying to get to a place to buy him a juice and some carbs.  Everywhere I looked, there were long lines for the food vendors (it was lunchtime, remember) and I was worried that he was dropping and would pass out.  Luckily, I was able to get into a store and buy a pretzel and some Apple juice (and two juice boxes for spares) and bring up his BG pretty fast.  I couldn't help thinking that if circumstances were just a little different, I might have had to call emergency services.

MH had one instance where she felt so shaky that she sat down in a store at Disney to check her BG and one of the staff told her she couldn't sit in the middle of the aisle.  MH was so low it was all she could do to scoot over to one side and continue to treat herself with fast sugars, but it upset her.  Amelia spoke to the supervisor and educated them about how to approach someone who was in the midst of checking BG.  She said, "The supervisor had a reasonable expectation that people should not just sit in the middle of the aisle, but when someone obviously has medical equipment out and is checking their blood sugar, a more appropriate response is to ask if she is okay, not to chastise her for sitting down.  I pointed out that it would have been worse if she had passed out while standing up and hit her head on one of the kiosks and bled all over their floor.  The supervisor got my point and apologized."


The return trip home was fine, with no diabetes issues.  But to recap: our vacation was fantastic, but the diabetes part was a drag.  Rollercoaster BG due to diet and exercise changes on the trip, pump failures and supply costs, vet expenses for our poor stressed puppy and trying to manage responsibilities with the kids restocking their kits...

I walk a line of being thankful that our diabetes is manageable (usually) and being resentful of having to manage it at great expense of our time, energy, health and finances.

Diabetes, I hope you enjoyed your time on our vacation.  I wish we could take a vacation from you.

Rituals

My favorite Christmas gift this year was not found at Best Buy.  Several days before Christmas, I was told that my presence at Nana's house would not be appreciated.  Apparently the kids were hard at work painting and preparing the letters for a present they wanted me to have.  It was a simple block of wood, painted matte black with letters that spelled out a simple message: "I love you... more".  Like most precious gifts, the value to me is not in the price of the wood, or the effort that went into mounting the letters.  Rather, the gift is in the symbolism. 

"More" is the name of a song by Matthew West.  It is part of a ritual I have with my kids.  We often exchange the endearment, "Love you!" when taking leave of each other and it grew into a kind of send off every morning when I drop them off at school:
Me: Bye, kids.  Learn a lot today!  I love you!
Ethan: I love you, too!
MH: I love you, more!
Ele: ... than the sun...
Me: ... and the stars...
MH: ... That I taught how to shine...
Ethan: ... you are mine, and you SHINE for me, too!

and on and on till we've sung out the chorus to each other.  So, this present they made for me is more than just a cute remembrance.  It is evidence to me that I have succeeded in impacting my children with a ritual.  This will be a "my dad used to say this to me all the time" kind of thing for the rest of their lives.  When they hear the song on the radio, they'll think of this connection and know they are loved.

Rituals are important for families.  For some, sitting down to a family meal is a ritual that binds them together.  Vacations, road trips, traditions, they can all be sorts of rituals.  I think of the sacred rituals that connect us at church: the singing, the prayers, the sharing of the Lord's supper.  Our congregation has a ritual where we close each worship service by singing, "Doxology".

Parents, if you don't have some sort of "I love you" ritual with your children, I urge you to develop one.  They help to deepen our children's sense of attachment and belonging to family and are part of a healthy way to build emotional safety in the family.  A child's sense of self-worth and identity are formed, in large part, by the relationships from their family of origin.  I can't think of a better gift that we can bestow upon our children than a deep and long lasting sense of being loved and cared for.  Maybe, it'll mean so much to them, they'll make a plaque to commemorate it. >grin<

-I love you, dear reader... more.

-jeff

Discipline, Correction and Punishment

In my line of work, I often work with families who are experiencing some disruption in their household functioning.  I get called in to assess and help them develop their strengths and resources so they can self-correct.  When the issues revolve around the relationship between the parent(s) and the child(ren), we often have to discuss their parenting skills and philosophy.

Parenting philosophy?  Who ever sits down and thinks through what their philosophy of parenting is going to be?  We just kind of "do" parenting, right?  With few exceptions, people mostly learn how to be a parent because of their "starter kid" (kid #1).  We go to birthing classes to make sure we can survive the trauma of childbirth, but no parent comes through the process of child-rearing unchanged. 

So, most families I work with have never considered their parenting philosophy.  Particularly, the model used for discipline in a family is usually either 1) I know how I was raised and it seemed to work pretty well OR 2) I will never do (insert parenting action) to my child!  Either way, the main approach to parenting seems to be reactionary rather than proactive.

Now, I know that the dictionary definitions will list the following words as synonyms, but I believe that they have distinct connotations (that is, we have other thoughts and feelings that are attached to our usage of these words beyond what the dictionary says).  The words are: Discipline, Correction and Punishment.  I often hear people use the words interchangeably, as having the same, or similar meanings.  This is because their usage reflects their mentality about their parenting philosophy, ie it is reactionary.  It means, I primarily respond to how my children are feelings and behaving rather than being proactive and teaching them how to behave and feel. 

Here is the distinction I make between those concepts:
Discipline: Comes from the Latin root discere, which means to learn (we get the word discern from it) and from the Latin word disciplus, which means pupil. So, someone who disciplines (the parent) is someone who teaches.  This word, properly used, then should have a positive connotation.  Teaching and learning are associated with growth and development and strength.
Correction: This concept has to do with setting thing right (also from the Latin, corrigere, from which we also get the word corrigible: the ability of something to be changed, reformed or improved).  From a systems perspective, it can mean "to reverse a trend or pattern".  Again, this has a very positive connotation.  Making things right is empowering.
Punishment: This is the act of inflicting penalty on someone who has done something wrong; to treat roughly, to injure or hurt, to cause a loss of freedom or money or to provide physical pain for wrongdoing.  This clearly carries with it negative thoughts and feelings.  Inflict, withhold, deny, punish, penalize... all words that indicate that one would want to avoid what is connected with them.

So part of a healthy philosophy of parenting (in my experience) would be: Children deserve to be disciplined and corrected.  Children do not deserve to be punished.  If it is true that children are in the process of being formed and developed and growing, then naturally, they deserve to be taught how to feel and behave and corrected, or set on the right path, when they deviate. 

Discipline, then, is a long process that evolves to meet the changing needs of a developing child.  A parent who disciplines a child is a parent who teaches a child how to manage their emotions and control their behaviors.  When a child grows with that sort of teaching and guidance, the child should naturally develop a confidence in his/her own ability to self regulate those emotions and behaviors and very little correction should be necessary.

Why is it then, that the topic of discipline and correction of children such a challenge for parents?  Here are some possible answers:
1) Parents have inadequate coping skills for their own anxiety and thus are hindered in their ability to help their children cope with theirs.
2) Some children have experienced traumas which makes understanding rules and expectations challenging.
3) Many parents have inaccurate knowledge of how children grow and develop so they respond inappropriately to their children, based on their stage of development.
4) A common mindset for parents is that discipline = punishment and so they end up RESPONDING to inappropriate behavior, but never teaching and guiding to right behavior.
5) Humans learn by observation and some parents end up teaching their children, by their own behavior, how to cope with emotions and relationships in unhealthy ways, and then blame their children for not knowing better.

There are probably more reasons, based on specific circumstances, but that is sufficient to prove my point about how most parents don't ever stop to consider *how* they do their parenting.  We take it for granted that we will be in relationship with our kids because, well, they are our children.  So we tend to ignore the skill and maintenance that goes into regular relationships.  Skills like; spending quality time together, building trust, fostering communication, caring for the other...

I could go on and on, but the point I wanted to make with this post is this: "Children deserve to be disciplined (taught and guided in what is right) and corrected (set straight when they make poor choices).  Children do not deserve to be punished."

-jeff

Requiem

Working as a chaplain at the hospital, I was regularly summoned to be present for traumatic events: removing someone from life support; delivering news to waiting family that a loved one did not survive a surgery; responding to a multiple-car wreck ambulance call... and the worst kind of all: fetal demise.

Just thinking about having to endure any part of those situations is emotionally difficult for many people.  Medical staff, emergency responders, and law officers are trained to deal with them, but most folks just crumble when they think about it.  Of course, those situations are devastating for the families and individuals who have endured them.  Many times, a family member would comment to me, as everyone was leaving to mourn in their own way, "Chaplain, I don't know how you do your job."  It is easy, in a way, to remain compartmentalized in my thinking, my feeling about grief and loss.  Today, however, there was no way I could keep from feeling the enormous sense of sadness and emptiness that accompanies the death of a child.

This morning, we learned that the daughter of one of Amelia's lifelong friends died in her sleep, likely of hypoglycemic shock, or low blood sugar, and complications with her Type 1 Diabetes.  I was stricken with grief on several levels.  First, my heart broke as a parent, for our friend and her family.  Second, anxiety and fear for my own children, two of whom have T1D, gripped me and wouldn't let me go.  I shifted into crisis mode to make it through the day.  I went to my wife, to offer comfort and to be with her in joint grief as partners/parents/friends and we wept together.  Amelia took the rest of the day off work to tend to her grief and her friend.  I went to see my mom, because that is what moms are for.  Where I felt I needed to be strong for my wife, I felt I could just be a scared boy with my mom, so I got some more of my anxiety out.  Then I went to work, where I tried to be productive.  While I was helping other families deal with their dysfunctions and crises, I was fine, but I couldn't focus to do any of my paperwork.

I spent the evening with my kids, going to a play practice and then a homecoming football game, but now, as we get ready to put kids to bed, I'm faced with doing battle with a wicked team: Diabetes and Anxiety.  Although we live daily in the shadow of the specter of Diabetes, we are protected by an illusion of normalcy that allows us to believe that we have things under control.  Tonight, the veil we rely on to help us function has been ripped away by the death of our friend's daughter.  Tonight, we can't ignore or pretend that this reality doesn't exist for us: Death is always at our doorstep.  No matter our vigilance, our precautions, our education, our habits... Diabetes stands ready to claim the lives of our son and our daughter.

Earlier today, I asked a dear friend and fellow T1 sufferer, Sarah Ray, for some advice.  She has lived with the same issue, the same disease for many years.  She helped me to be able to come to terms with today:

"...Sarah, just wanted to let you know that _________'s little girl, _____, died in her sleep last night. I am not sure if you know them or not, but ____ was Type 1 and she had difficulty with seizures and such from her lows. _______ and Amelia have been friends since they were little girls. We are all pretty sad right now. Haven't told the kids yet, as they are at school, but would appreciate prayers and maybe even some pointers on how to help MH and Ethan not have anxiety over going to sleep.
love you,
jeff..." 

Sarah Ray
"... I am praying and very sad as well I had seen posts on Amelia's wall about her but had never gotten to meet her and I believe u guys have talked about her to me. Not sure how I did not connect with her. I am sorry its so close to home and I will try to think of some thing for MH and Ethan but I am just as scared some nights all I can have is faith that God is not done with me yet. I know having the Cgms will maybe help for MH and Ethan to feel safe sleeping. It scares me too,
Love Sarah..."

Sarah reminded me, helped me remember what my grief and fear caused me to lose sight of... God is in control.  He is in control not only of the life and death of my children, but of everyone's life, including my own.  I am not saying I believe that God caused the death of this precious child, rather, that God is ruler of life and death.  I agree with his servants the prophets who declared that his ways are higher than our ways and his thoughts, our thoughts.  I take comfort knowing that despite the tragedy we experience living in this broken world, God is a god of redemption.  He works to redeem not only people, but situations.  Tragic, awful, devastating situations.  Nothing is beyond God's ability to redeem for His glory.  So, while I mourn for my friend's loss, I rejoice knowing God is at work.  While I grieve for our sadness, I also sacrifice my anxiety on the altar of faith.  I think tonight, as I struggle to sleep, I hear God's voice whispering to me, "Dear child, things will never be the same, but trust me... it will be alright."  Come, Lord Jesus.  I'm ready for some tear wiping...

Double Standards

I experienced an odd juxtaposition of double standards recently.  Strife between parents and their teenage son for a number of reasons.  Firstly, the youth is under 18 and, reportedly has gotten his 21 year old girlfriend pregnant.  Secondly, because the father grounded the youth for stealing weed from the father's stash.  Interesting, no?  Relationship repair is going to be difficult here because of the father's "do as I say, not as I do" policy in parenting.  The other double standard is a societal and legal one.  A law enforcement friend, who knew the details of this case noted: "I don't know whether to advise the parents to pursue sexual assault charges against the 21 year old girlfriend because, frankly, the cops probably won't do anything because it would never go to trial, because he's a boy.  It would be different if a 21 year old guy was having sex with an underage girl."

Double standards. We experience them when we have a sense of unfairness or unjustness occurring.  However, the idea of a double standard is dependent on a sense of equality.  Gender equality, class equality, social equality.  If you asked a peasant in medieval times if he was aware of the double standard placed on his life, to be ever toiling but never benefiting from his work, while the tribute for his work and labor went to a nobleman who never worked or understood his condition, he would likely think you were crazy for even talking that way.  He accepted his lot in life as what it was and didn't quibble about equality.  Add the idea that everyone deserves equal treatment under the law and suddenly, you have to deal with issues like why women can't serve in combat; why mothers are more likely than fathers to gain custody of children in a divorce; the effectiveness of affirmative action, etc.

We often hear the phrase, "Well, life isn't fair..." as a way of taking into account the double standards we experience and can't change or influence.  Because, you know, "you can't always get what you want" and "Sometimes you're the windshield and sometimes you're the bug."  But you know, we all fall victim to double standards when we don't apply the same perspective to ourselves that we do others.  There is an old joke that highlights how we tend to see what is happening to us in a different perspective than we do when the same things happens to another: A recession is when a friend of yours loses his job.  A depression is when you lose yours.

I bring this all up because, as a parent, I believe that I often foster a sense of unfairness in my kids because of how society tends to push this idea of equality to be applied where it doesn't make sense to apply it.  For instance, how many times have you heard an exchange similar to this:
Dad: It is time for you to go to bed.  You need a good night's sleep.
Kid: I don't want to go to bed yet!  My show is still on.
Dad: I don't care, it is time for bed, so get a move on!
(Dad sits down to watch the rest of the show)
Kid: How come you don't have to go to bed?  Don't you need a good night's sleep?
Dad: I'm the adult, don't argue with me, now get to bed!

or how about this one:
Kid: We learned at school today the effects that alcohol have on a body.  They showed us a video of how it impairs your judgement after just one drink.
Parent: Well, I don't drink that much, you know that.
Kid: Well, if it isn't good for you, how come y'all drink every weekend with your friends?  I want to do that, too.
Parent: No, you're not old enough to handle it.
Kid: (sulking) You always tell me that I'm not old enough.  It's not fair.  I'm 16.  My friends are already drinking and nothing bad is happening to them.

Obviously, comparing a child with an adult is not comparing two things that are similar enough.  As adults, it makes sense to us that the comparisons are dissimilar enough that there is no real basis for comparison about a developing child's need for sleep and structure and an adult's ability to manage their own schedule and get adequate sleep, or cope accordingly.  As adults, it makes sense to us a 16 year-old's cognitive reasoning and judgement (which are still developing, until about age25) aren't adequate for handling the effects of alcohol (and even then many adults probably shouldn't drink for various other reasons, but it remains a popular pastime).  However, society is pushing kids to think of themselves as adults, with capabilities and privileges accordingly.  If kids think of themselves as adults, then a lot of their angst makes sense.

I worked with a kid not long ago who described a teacher who sent him to detention because he had a water bottle before school.  Now, I don't know what situation in the past prompted the school to have a rule that kids couldn't have water bottles out in public as they waited for the school day to begin, but they did.  This youth was instructed to put it away.  It had one swallow of water left in it and he drank it before he went to put the bottle in his backpack and the teacher claimed that he defied her and so he spent the rest of the day in ISS.  Could it be that he was rude to her and said something to her that ticked her off?  Sure.  Could it be he was a repeat offender who was just looking for a fight?  Possibly.  Whatever the exact reason, I doubt that this situation was about a water bottle.  It was about power and authority.  The teacher issued a directive.  It was not answered with an acceptable level of cooperation, so she used her power in a punitive way.  If it had been another teacher who was sporting the water bottle, would that teacher be made to follow the 'rule' or be so harshly treated if they failed to comply with another teacher's directive?  Probably not.  Unfair?  Double standard?  Only if teachers and students are equal. 

Anyhow, double standards bother me.  Not because they exist.  I can deal with that.  It bothers me that we tend to deal so poorly with that concept.  I think that the real problem is that people, in general, lack humility.  We lack the ability to look beyond ourselves and assess a situation from other perspectives.  Would our parenting be different if we saw our children as people instead of as pests or trouble makers when they got in trouble?  When they are reacting to what they see as unfairness in our actions or attitudes, instead of working to justify our actions, can we see their perspective and address the situation as someone who understands where they are coming from?  I don't mean we have to agree with them, or cater to them, but if, in humility, we can understand them... would it make a difference in how we respond?

So, to be a better parent, I need to not only respond to my children's sense of unfairness with humility, I need to teach them properly how to discern between unfairness, injustice and just not getting one's own way.  They're not the same, but I hear people, especially teens, use those concepts interchangeably.  I need to model for my children what fairness looks like when they see me interact with others and I need to model how to cope with unfairness when it occurs to me.  Humility is harder than it looks.

-jeff

Switch the ratio

Widely noted for his studies on marital success, Dr. John Gottman has identified what he calls the 'golden ratio' that can help predict the long term stability of relationships. To sum up, he notes that relationships that are stable and have high satisfaction are characterized by a 5:1 ratio. That is, during conflict, for every 1 negative interaction (criticism, invalidation, hostility), there need to be 5 positive interactions (asking questions, showing kindness, affection), just to achieve balance.

I have a hunch that although Gottman's research is directed at marital relationships, there is a lesson to be learned about our relationships in general.  I frequently have the opportunity to visit with parents about parenting issues.  I sometimes ask parents to evaluate the ratio of their interactions with their children, especially during conflict.  When we honestly look at how we react to our children, we frequently find that as parents, we allow our frustration, anger, and annoyance to mar our interactions.  We criticize, put down, subtly invalidate, and otherwise behave in ways that our children interpret negatively.  Consider this scenario:

Kid: Dad, can (best friend) spend the night on Friday?
Dad: I don't think so, sweetie.  We've got a lot going on Saturday and it would mean we had to do a lot of rescheduling.
Kid: (pouting) You *never* let my friends spend the night.
Dad: (feeling disrespected, speaking sarcastically) Oh, right.  You *NEVER* get *ANYTHING* you want to do. 
Kid: (changing tactics) Please, Dad?  I promise we won't stay up too late and I'll be good for the rest of the weekend...
Dad: (not willing to negotiate) What? You think I'm going to change my mind?  How about you be good all weekend and THEN I'll decide whether (best friend) can stay next weekend?
Kid: (resorting to pouting) Ohhhh... that's not fair!  (Sibling) gets to have friends over all the time!
Dad: Quit being such a whiner!  I'm tired of having to tell you over and over that whining doesn't work.

On the surface, it sounds like a pretty typical exchange between a parent and child, right? Dad is sticking to his guns and kid shouldn't be so disrespectful.  Tally up the negative interactions, though.  Sarcasm, rhetorical questions to make his point, invalidation, hyperbole... If we apply the golden ratio, Dad would need to offer about 20 positive bids just to balance out his words.  Now, you may note that the kid in that scenario was inviting Dad to behave that way.  There was probably some past history that led Dad to reach his conclusions.  However, Dad had a choice in his responses and chose to respond the way he did, so even though the kid's behavior wasn't ideal, we need to keep ourselves accountable for our example as parents.  How will we ever expect our kids to learn about healthy relationships unless we are willing to be responsible for our own feelings and behaviors toward our children?

What if we were willing to try an experiment in our homes.  Just for a day or two, whether we have conflictual situations or normal interactions... what if we strove to overload our relationships with positive interactions.  What if we looked for what our kids were doing that was right and good and commented on those things?  What if we overlooked every minor infraction (there are a bunch of those, right?  From being messy to fidgeting when they are supposed to be still) and just let them go without undue attention?  What if we went out of our way to set up situations where we know our kids will do well and then praise the heck out of them?  Here are some things I brainstormed in just a few minutes that my kids did today (and I didn't even get to see them very much today) that I can praise them for:

Mary Hannah: woke up and got dressed with no fussing, packed her own backpack and lunch, encouraged her siblings in the car on the way to school, entertained herself on the computer at poptropica.com (an appropriate and fun website), used earbuds to listen to her music when she was in a room full of other people so she wouldn't bother them with her music.
Ethan: Woke up with little prompting this morning, remembered that it was waffle day and reminded me, didn't argue with Ele when she claimed it was her turn to ride shotgun (it wasn't), played with Timothy without incident, accepted redirection when he got up and didn't want to go back to bed.
Ele: cuddled with me for a few minutes in the morning after she got dressed, greeted me at the door tonight and showed me that she'd cleaned up her room and made her bed without being told, shared space with her brother when they both wanted to sit in the same chair at the same time, cleaned off her plate this morning without being asked.

Now, I could let those incidents go by without comment.  Honestly, most of those things are normal expectations.  I could just wait for them to stop doing something or to mess up and do something wrong and then fuss at them for messing up.  But that happens all too often.  I'd like to spend less time trying to fix what I think is going wrong and more time helping things go right.

I also want to point out that most of those things I listed were accomplishments, something they'd done.  I want to try and praise them for those things, but also (and more importantly), I want to praise my children for who they are, for their character traits which prompt that behavior: initiative, kindness, generosity, helpfulness, affirmation, encouragement, patience, consideration.

I wonder what my household would look like if I changed the ratio?  I wonder if I'd notice that before asking my children to change, I needed to change how I looked at things and handled things.  I wonder if anyone is willing to assess their family functioning and see if their ratio could stand to be adjusted a little more to the positive side.  I'll admit it is challenging.  In fact, outside (and internal) stressors constantly pick away at my ability to accomplish this feat.  Than again, most things that are worthwhile aren't very easy, but they are usually very rewarding. 

Thanks, Dr. Gottman, for doing the research that gives us a goal.  Thanks, parents who challenge me to do better by my own kids. 

Socratic Method in Parenting? Helping children develop good decision making.

Hello, readers.

I've had some thoughts mulling recently that I would like to share and about which I'd like some feedback.

It has been my experience that many parents under-utilize the power of questions in helping their child to make good decisions. What I mean by that is parents tend to do a lot more 'telling-their-child-how-to-behave' rather than helping them choose that behavior. Now, I don't know about you, but in general, doing something because I'm told to do it invites resistance on my part. In contrast, if I come to the conclusion of my own accord to behave a certain way, I am more likely to get to that behavior AND I'm more likely to have a better attitude about it.

In one of the parenting classes I teach, we talk about using short, directive statements that detail what action or behavior is desired. For instance, "I need you to pick up all the dirty clothes and put them in the clothes hamper" is more helpful to a kid than having a parent complain, "Goodness gracious! Your room is a pigsty! Why can't you keep things clean?!?" The former is non-blaming and contains direction whereas the latter is vague and invites comparison to a pig and recrimination as well . I understand that in many cases, a parent might say to me, concerning my example, "Jeff, we tried the first statement a hundred times before we got so frustrated that you are now hearing us say the second!" I get that. We have our days at the Emery household as well. However, the idea that I've bouncing around in my head is a complementary approach. I don't think it will or should replace positive, directive statements, but I think it has some helpful implications.

At some point, as parents, we become confident that our child(ren) know what needs to be done, or what behavior is expected, at any given point in time. For instance, I have confidence that my children know how to behave, but they lack the mental capacity to choose well when under stress (then again, we all do... on occasion).
So, if I have confidence that my child *knows* the right thing to do, then it doesn't make a whole lot of sense for me to tell her again, when I observe her choosing a poor behavior. What I mean to say is that the problem is not a lack of knowledge, it is an underdeveloped process of choosing, or decision making. So, as a parent, I need to learn a better way to help my children develop their decision making skills in a way that invites them to choose the better way.

Now, I need to digress for a moment to point out that it is possible to do the right thing the wrong way and thus muck it up. For instance, you can do things with sarcasm or with disdain or resentment that ruins the whole gesture. Let's say that I'm arguing with my wife and after a time, I can tell that neither of us is gaining any ground, so I apologize just to end the argument. "Fine, I'm sorry, okay? Whatever." See, now, I said the words... but my behavior, tone and attitude conveyed a different message. Not only was I not sorry when I said it, but I also left my partner feeling devalued as well.

So, as I explain the benefits of using questions to help develop good decision making in children, keep in mind that when our hearts are hurt... when we are embittered, angry or frustrated... this technique has the potential to backfire. Our frame of mind when using questions to help our children make good decisions needs to be free of trying to blame them or make them feel stupid for not seeing the 'obvious' answer. It needs to be a sincere effort to help them learn and grow and out of love for the individual. If your child can see your way of being toward them at that moment, it will help them be receptive to the teaching.

So, here is a conversation I had with my youngest daughter a while ago where I wanted her to choose the right thing instead of me forcing her to accept what I knew to be the right thing. Editorial comments are in parentheses.

Setup: Our heater was out over a weekend and we were using space heaters in the living room to keep warm. Eleanor was curled up on the couch and vocally complaining of being cold, so she asked if she could go change clothes. Amelia agreed and Ele left the room for a bit. When she returned, she was wearing a thin nightgown (pink and princess-y of course) which offered even less in the way of warmth than what she had been wearing. Amelia protested and told Ele to go put on long sleeves and pants. Ele threw a fit, claiming the nightgown was warmer. Am instructed Ele to go change and Ele just escalated the crying. I followed Ele to her room to help her process why she was misbehaving.

Me: Ele, why are you fussing?
Ele: (crying) Because I want to wear this dress and Mommy won't let me!
Me: I understand that you want to wear the nightgown, but you were complaining about being cold.
Ele: This is warm! Really!
Me: (pointing to the clothes in the floor next to her) I know mommy just wants to help you be warmer and I think that those clothes will do a better job.
Ele: No they won't! Please, just let me wear this!
Me: Ele, tell me, how is your behavior right now?
Ele: Bad....
Me: Well, Mommy has told you to change your clothes into pants and a long sleeve shirt. Are you doing what Mommy told you to do?
Ele: But, Daddy...
Me: Ele, answer me. Are you doing what Mommy told you to?
Ele: No...
Me: What is the right thing to do right now?
(This is the important question for her. Give her the opportunity to make the decision. I could just yell at her and make her do what she'd been told to do, but I think the investment in helping her make the decision for herself will pay off down the road)
Ele: I don't know!
Me: You don't know what the right thing to do is?
Ele: (pitifully) no...
Me: Okay, well, I have some stuff to do in the kitchen and I'll check back with you in a few minutes. In the meantime, why don't you sit on your bed and come up with something that might work for you right now.
(I left her for about five minutes and then came back)
Me: Ele, are you ready to talk? Did you think about the right thing to do?
Ele: Daddy, I really just want to wear my princess dress!
Me: I understand that, baby. I am sure that later, when it is bedtime, you can put that on. What do you need to wear right now?
Ele: (dithering) oh...those clothes (pointing at the jeans and shirt)... But I don't want to!
(At this point, the question was no longer about warmth, it was about obedience, so I made that overt)
Me: Eleanor, it seems like you are having a hard time being obedient. Being obedient means that even if you don't agree, you obey, or listen to, what Mommy and Daddy tell you to do. I understand what you want to do right now, but what is the right thing to do if you are going to be obedient?
Ele: I don't know!
Me: (getting frustrated) I just told you. You don't have to agree with Mommy, but you do need to obey her when she tells you to do something. Now, what is the right thing to do in order to be obedient?
Ele: (whining) ooohh...I just don't know.
Me: Well, I don't know either, baby. Why don't you take a few more minutes to think about it...
(I left for about five minutes more and then returned. Variations on this last part of the conversation occurred for the next 15 minutes, with breaks in between. Finally, Ele offered a compromise.)
Me: Well, did you figure out the right thing to do toward Mommy to show her that you are obedient?
Ele: How about if I put on this shirt, too? It is warm.
(This compromise was Ele trying to save face a little. It allowed her to comply with Amelia's directive, but to do it in her own way.)
Me: I think that would be fine. Now, when we are fussy at each other, what else do we need to do once we do what Mommy asked us to do?
Ele: I don't know what you mean.
Me: Well, you disobeyed Mommy and yelled and fussed at her. How do you need to make things right with her?
Ele: I need to tell her I'm sorry.
Me: That is a good start. After you tell her you are sorry, you need to behave in a helpful way so that we don't have go get fussy at each other again, k? I proud that you were able to think about how to be obedient and then you chose to do the right thing. (gives hugs)

Now, consider how this could have gone (and sometimes does!): Amelia and I both fuss/yell at Eleanor for not listening and command her to do as she is told. Ele would likely be resistant and defiant (how do you feel when when someone orders you around?), causing us to escalate things and threaten her with punishment if she doesn't comply. Then it moves from being a warmth issue or even an obedience issue and it becomes a power/control issue. The end result is that parents sometimes end up inviting the very behavior from their kids that they claim to dislike. The opposite is true as well. Sometimes kids tell me that they want their parents to stop yelling so much, but upon investigating their interactions, it becomes clear that the child's behavior invites their parents to yell.

So, why does questioning work better in the long run?
* It invites critical thinking because the child has to process the information, rather than having it force upon them by someone else's will.
* The very nature of it communicates that that person's opinion is valuable and that they are capable of making decisions.
* Done properly, it is empowering and promotes self-confidence.
* It models good development for the child, for later in life, so they can do it for their children
* Over time, it frees the parent from having to micro-manage their children.

I would appreciate feedback on this post. You can reply on my blogger.com page, on my Facebook wall (once this is imported) or send a note to jde95f (at) gmail (dot) com.

-jeff

100th Post! Parenting

As I logged in to type up this blog, I noticed that it would be #100. So... Woo Hoo! Kinda neat, eh? Now back to the good stuff...

I've been getting ready to present a short seminar on Co-parenting after divorce and I ran across some interesting resources on the net. The most useful one was this site: The Parent Coach Plan. It had good information and some great free resources.

I've been working with a program at a non-profit company that does preventative and crisis intervention counseling with at-risk families for about a year now and I've experienced all sorts of interesting family configurations. It seems like the "traditional family" of Dad, Mom, 2.5 kids and a dog is not only rare nowadays, but is virtually non-existent. More often, I'm working with grandparents raising grandkids, single moms or dads with or without stepkids, a sister who raised her half and step siblings and then found out that she had another brother in foster care who she found and adopted and is raising all while she is trying to start a career, military blended families who are not only dealing with family issues but reverse culture shock as they come back to their home country... 'family' is a very loose term for the people with whom you are in close relationship. Anyhow, I'm processing lots of great information about parents leading me to ask some questions like:

How does one learn to be a good parent? It is not like kids come with a manual, and we all know the jokes about how there is no licensing test to be able to have kids (although there is one to have foster kids...) We pick up from our parents either lessons on how to be a loving, caring parent or lessons on what *we will NEVER do to our own kids*, am I right? :) Sometimes our best examples of parenting aren't found in our own families of origin, but in others that we perceive to 'have it all together'. I'm sure that culture influences us to some extent as well.

What does a good parent look like? What qualities do we strive for as parents? Patience is a key virtue here as well as consistency. Listening skills are important as are general communication skills: say what you mean, be brief, be clear. The ability to create and foster safety and security for our children is important.

Anyhow, one of the resources on the aforementioned website follows this paragraph. I thought it was an interesting exercise and I encourage any parents that read this to fill in the blanks and discover what they can about their own parenting proficiency. Enjoy!

(seeing as I have three children, I'll focus on just my oldest, for brevity's sake)

I AM A ___________________ PARENT.

I am a great parent. I really believe this and don't doubt it. Well, hardly ever. I recognize that there are times when I make decisions that are selfish or self serving, but so far, they have been of little consequence. I feel that I generally try to do the best I can for my children and I feel good about my efforts.

I NEED TO BECOME A MORE ___________PARENT.

I need to become a more present parent. I feel like I don't get to spend enough time with my family. At this point in my career, I'm working many long hours (hey, it is almost 2am now!) trying to get to a point where I don't have to work so hard... pause for irony... Anyhow, I feel that sometimes I've been under pressure (real or imagined) to take on too much responsibility and I miss my family and I know they miss me.

MY CHILD THINKS I AM A ______________PARENT.

My child thinks I am a loving parent. Not a day goes by that I don't tell my children how loved they are, by me, by mommy, by God. We have some rituals about telling and showing our love for each other including singing, hugging and kissing regularly.

I WISH MY CHILD WOULD STOP ________________.

I wish my child would stop ... I can't think of anything at the moment. All of the minor annoyances, small disobediences, grumpy mornings... in the grand scheme of things, they don't matter very much and I'm certain they will pass with time as she grows and develops. Even the emotional growing pains that she is undergoing are a marvel to watch and learn from her reactions and feelings about the situation.

I WISH MY CHILD WOULD START ______________.

I wish my child would start being more aware of her influence and how she is influenced by others. It won't bother me if she isn't a 'leader' per se, but I want her to be comfortable with herself and her own decisions to the point that she doesn't feel the pressure to follow the rash decisions of her peers.

I HOPE MY CHILD NEVER _________________.

I hope my child never stops growing or learning. If I can help her be a life long learner... about her environment, about her spirituality, about herself, I think I will have done a good job as a parent.

I NEED TO GIVE MY CHILD MORE _____________.

I need to give my child more love. I believe that she spells it: T-I-M-E.

MY CHILD'S BEHAVIOR WOULD BE BETTER IF _____________.

... if she were to take more ownership for her feelings, but I'd put her in the top 90% of kids her age in her ability to manage her emotions.

MY CHILD'S FRIENDS ARE _________________________.

My child's friends are remarkable. I believe that, as parents, we have cultivated relationships with families who are also remarkable in their values and devotion to God and each other. Modeling good friendships in the parent's lives is important for our children to see. I feel that my child has chosen her friends well and really enjoys those relationships.

MY CHILD MAKES ME PROUD WHEN _________________.

I am proud of my child when she shows good judgment, when she chooses kindness, when she displays a gentleness of spirit, when she uses her wit to make me laugh, when she picks the right thing over the easy thing... I could go on for a long time with this answer...

MY CHILD DISAPPOINTS ME WHEN ___________________.

Really, my biggest disappointments with my child are when my expectations are out of proportion with her development. Meaning that my disappointment with her is usually born from my own failings, not hers.

MY CHILD'S MOOD IS TYPICALLY _____________________.

Cheerful and curious.

MY CHILD'S BEHAVIOR IS TYPICALLY ________________.

Playful and exuberant.

MY CHILD LIKES TO _______________________________.

learn. To read. To ride horses. To spend time with friends. To cuddle. To collect almost anything. To sing. To joke around.... etc, etc...

MY CHILD HATES TO _______________________________.

She hates to stop having fun.

I WANT TO TEACH MY CHILD TO ___________________.

Care for herself so that she can make the most of the opportunities God sets before her.

I PROVIDE A ______________ ENVIRONMENT FOR MY CHILD.

I believe I provide a healthy environment for my child: spiritually, emotionally, physically. There is room to grow and the safety to explore her environment.

MY DISCIPLINE IS _______________________________.

slanted heavily toward helping my child take responsibility for her feelings and behavior.

OUR FAMILY IS ______________________________.

Our family is connected, flexible and strong.

I HOPE THAT SOME DAY MY CHILD WILL ________________.

grow to own the faith that we have planted in her.

I KNOW THAT SOME DAY MY CHILD WILL _____________.

Be a great parent to my grandchildren.

If you repost this survey, please link me or let me know. I'd love to see what others come up with. God bless you!

-jeff

Cute 3 yr old daughters = innate manipulative abilities

It is midnight. I've come home from working at the hospital. Eleanor is still awake, so I talk to her and hold her for a few minutes and then send her back to bed. I sit down at the dining room table to work on the backlog of homework I have due on Monday for an upcoming summer short course. Ele comes back into the dining room..."Daddy, I'm not tired. Can I sit here?" She is referring to a once-tried method of compliance I used on a past sleepless night. Because she kept getting out of bed, I had her sit in the middle of the floor while I worked on my laptop. She had to be quiet and be still until she was ready to go back to bed and back to sleep. Tonight, she was just using the ploy as a stay-awake tactic. "No, Ele... go back to bed." "Oh, alright!" she pouted. Minutes later, she's back with a new strategy: "I forgot to give you kisses." Come on! What is Daddy supposed to do? "Ok, give me kisses and go back to your bed." *smooch* "Daddy, I'm not tired." Me: "Baby, I'm sorry you're not tired... but you'll be in trouble if you get out of bed again. You don't have to go to sleep yet, but you have to stay in your bed." Minutes pass then...."Daddy..."

In exasperation, I sharply tell her, "Eleanor Layne, you are going to get a spanking if you can't obey. Get back in your bed!"

She hands me a balloon creature she got at the mall earlier tonight, "This is for you, Daddy. It is for happy Father's Day. Good night."
With that, she turns and goes back to bed. I just checked... she's asleep. Sheesh.

-dormi bene
jeff

4 year old soccer

Where else can you hear phrases such as, "Stewart! Get your head out of the net!" and "It is not time to sit down and pick yellow flowers! Get up and go kick the soccer ball!" ? That's right, it is time for 4 year old soccer!

It is important to stay hydrated. In fact, it is possible to consume your body weight in water and still be thirsty. Soccer is thirsty business. Oh, word to the wise... bring a cooler.

In practice, you get to kick the ball toward the goal without a crowd of other 4 year olds running along side. During the actual game, it is much the same, except you also have 20 sets of parents yelling at you while you do it.

The rules of the game are simple, kick the ball down the field and try to kick it into the net. The actual mechanics are somewhat more difficult to master when your shin guards are 5 sizes bigger than your shins. Another complicating factor that Ethan discovered: when you aren't in practice, if you kick the ball to someone else, they don't kick it back, they go off down the field to score a goal. Live and learn.
Team Name: Cobras
Team Spirit: Monkeys
The photographer actually managed to get them all looking the same direction and smiling. I was impressed.


Lining them up to shoot them


Haley only had a handful of smiles to hand out.


I took a few pics of Ethan at home before the game. This is a little game called: Why are we paying $20 bucks for a picture of our 4 year old in his soccer uniform when Daddy can take professional quality photos in the front yard for $0.12?

I call this one... "The look"

And we're all having a great time. At least those who know what to do.. namely dribble the ball down the field and score.

In Soccer, pile ups like this rarely happen, so I'm told. On the other hand, they've got a pretty good start of a rugby game. In Australia, in the middle of barfights, rugby games break out.



Um, this is to prove that I did operate with dual media that day, I just haven't gotten around to posting the 10 useable minutes of video footage. One of these days, I'll figure out iMovie. I miss Premiere Pro.


GOAL! (Did anyone keep track of the score?)
Good game, good game, good game... Now lets have snacks!

Milestones

I remember missing teeth, but I don't remember the day I actually lost my first tooth. Actually, I may have actively tried to repress any "tooth" memories after suffering several years of orthodontia... but that is another story.

Today's story is about my daughter, Mary Hannah. She was very excited about losing her tooth and so we recorded this momentous day by taking pictures. Several days ago, when it began to wiggle a little, MH made a "tooth pouch" so that when it fell out, she could have a place to put it for the Tooth Fairy to come collect it.

OK, time for a quick aside which seems unrelated, but will come into play in a bit... Mary Hannah is almost 6 years old and has recently been the source of no small amount of consternation for me and her mother. She has been moody, unreasonably fussy and emotional about little things. This is a change from her customary good nature and happy spirit. She has been increasingly disobedient and non compliant when asked to do a chore. However, today, she was all smiles and her old manners and good spirit returned, much to our delight.

Back to the story: During dinner, I commented that perhaps that the tooth was a "trouble" tooth. Perhaps all the "wiggling" she'd done on it in the past few days was prompting her to wiggle against mommy and daddy and be fussy and disobedient. I complimented her on how gracious and kind she'd been all evening and how we were happy to have her good manners return. She liked the thought and immediately began to catalog the events that had gotten her into "trouble" over the past few days... losing her jacket at school, yelling at her mother, ignoring various instructions in favor of playing around or watching TV. Each event was the fault of "Trouble" that she now agreed had lived in her trouble tooth.

So, skip forward to bedtime... Mary Hannah suddenly reverted to her fussy manner, getting out of bed multiple times to tell us that she either did or did not want the tooth fairy to take her tooth. After the third time out of bed to inform us what she wanted to do concerning her tooth, I told her that we would take it away from her for the evening if she didn't stay in her bed and go to sleep. She fussed back to her room, emotions running high.

Her mood swings and her behavior are pretty normal for her age as she explores the limits of her ability to manipulate her parents and other adults. I'm not really writing to complain about Mary Hannah or even to document her life achievement. I want to take a little leap and I hope you can follow me...

How many of us "wiggle" our "trouble tooth" and get into trouble? If we externalize the bad things we do (sin) and personify them a bit... do we do this a lot? I know that there have been times in my life when I haven't walked in faith and displayed the light of Christ in how I have lived on a day to day basis. I remember with some shame a time when a person I knew from my job happened to visit my church and commented, "Oh, I didn't know you were a Christian." I'd like to chalk it up to my youth and the "exploring the envelope of God's grace and forgiveness". But when the times have come when God confronts me about my "trouble tooth", the place where I keep my ungodly behaviors and desires and tells me that it is time for me to grow in my walk with him and give up the "baby" things... I fuss and whine and want to hold on to my "tooth" a little longer... just a few days more... then I'll give it up in exchange for the gift God desires to give me. What sins do I cherish so much because they are a part of me that I am so unwilling to give up so that I can become a part of God? Just something to think about.

in Him,
jeff