Listen and learn

There is an old saying, "God gave us two ears and only one mouth so that we will listen twice as much as we talk."  I don't know who originally came up with that, but in my experience, it is good advice.

I frequently get to observe the communication process between individuals in a relationship and I am almost always intrigued to discover what their interactions reveal about their relationship.  It doesn't matter what the nature of the relationship is, marriage partners, parent-child, friend, boss-employee... all behavior is communication and it is very revealing if you know what to look for.


When a relationship is in conflict, research indicates that having conflict itself is not an indicator of the health of the relationship, but how each individual conducts themselves in the midst of conflict is a strong predictor of the stability and health of the relationship.  People who have a high positive regard for each other tend to be able to have conflict and still like each other because they aren't cruel to each other during the conflict.  They can disagree without being disagreeable.

Too often, the communication patterns I witness are locked in a pattern where the same arguments are made over and over and the conversation never goes anywhere, except to reinforce the hurt that each individual feels.  I try to coach individuals who are stuck in a situation where there is no traction that they need to spend less attention on what is being said and more attention listening to how it is being said.

Being attentive to the emotions of the other person is a miracle communication tool.  When a person feels like they are being heard and understood, they feel valued.  Conversely, when in an argument and we are more focused on making sure that the other person sees how right our viewpoint is... it is easy for the other person to feel less valued because they don't feel heard or understood.

Daughter: I feel like I have to always walk on eggshells at home because I never know how Mom is going to react.

Mom: She says that I overreact and don't talk to her for weeks, but she ignores the fact that I still do her laundry, I still cook for her, I still work to pay the bills for her computer and her cell phone.  How is that ignoring her?  I give her plenty of opportunities for her to come and talk, but she is always walking away.

 In the above snippet, the daughter is expressing how she feels, putting the mom on the defensive.  Because Mom is more attuned to her hurt feelings, she is unable to acknowledge and validate her daughter's viewpoint.  To be fair, the daughter is doing the same thing (thus the traction-less cycle they are in), but I don't expect the child to be more capable than the adult of being able to control her emotions, it is something I try to teach the parent before I work on the child.  So, I challenge the mom: "Right now, don't focus on whether you agree or disagree with what your daughter is saying, just try to reflect what you think she is feeling.  You may not agree with her, but right now it is more important that she feels that you understand her."  I ask the daughter to restate her last statement

Daughter: Sometimes it feels like no matter what I say or do, you overreact.  I feel like I can't tell you anything because nothing is ever good enough for you.

Mom: (bristling) What do you want me to say to that?  She is just attacking me again!

Jeff: What do you think she is feeling?

Mom: (sighing) She feels like she can't talk to me because I overreact.

Jeff: That is what is happening.  What do you think she might be feeling?

Mom: I don't know?  Hurt?  Frustrated?  Lonely?

Jeff: Okay, how about asking her if she feels those things because of the situation...

Mom: (thinking about the phrasing...) Okay... so... You feel hurt because when you tell me stuff, I blow it out of proportion.  I can see how that could be frustrating.

Daughter: Yeah, it is.  I mean, I used to be able to talk to you about lots of stuff, but lately it seems like you are just looking for something to yell at me about.

And the mom is stunned that her daughter hasn't completely shut down again.  The previous exchange shows how reflecting a person's feelings can help to break the blame and defensiveness cycle and gain some traction in the conversation.  It allows the conversation to move forward. 

It sounds pretty easy, but in practice it is a difficult thing to do, to ignore the gut reaction to respond and tell the person why they are wrong.  Instead, if we can push that instinct back and instead, try to reflect what the other person is feeling, it breaks the cycle of devaluing language and behavior and invites the other person to feel like they are being heard and understood, giving the communication process traction to move forward.

Give it a try and let me know how it goes!

-jeff

A little consideration, please...

Few things are more satisfying than seeing your children have teenagers of their own.
Doug Larson

I spend a good deal of my professional time interacting with parents and their teens.  One issue that has popped up recently is the struggle between parents and teens: Teens say they want more independence, freedom and to be seen as adults and parents say that they want their kids to show responsibility, respect and evidence that they can handle more independence.  

From the parents' perspective, all the signs are evident that the kid just isn't ready: 

Comes home late - check

Spends more time with friends than with family - check

Refuses to open up to parents about details of the day - check

Most often heard words include: whatever, fine!, just leave me alone, ...but I....

Says they will help out more around the house, but needs constant nagging/supervision. - check

From the teen's perspective, all the signs are there to show the world that they are ready to be adults: 

Holding down a job AND a decent GPA at school - check

Picks up his/her own room without being told - check

Has a checking/savings account - check

Pays for own cell phone - check

The complaint I hear coming from parents usually has something to do with what I call parental anxiety.  Parental anxiety is activated when our children display their lack of consideration for their families (especially their parents).  For instance, the teen is supposed to be either at school, at work, or home at specified times.  When the teen fails to show up, or check in, or even text, parental anxiety is activated.  Parental thinking may include any one of (or mixture of) the following: 

*I'm worried... my child could be hurt or in danger

*I'm annoyed... this is just the latest example of a lack of respect for my time and abusing the privilege of having a car/job

*My child is too lazy/inconsiderate/disrespectful  to follow the rules and call 

*My child ALWAYS does this... he/she knows it will make me upset and he/she is doing it on purpose.

Many parents have valid and legitimate issues with their teen... it is rude and inconsiderate.  If it is an ongoing problem that has been addressed before, it may be seen as disrespectful even.  However, it is helpful to keep in mind that if a parent approaches their teen with that perspective, they will invite defensiveness, possible withdrawal and even angry behavior in return.  Even when they are accurate and justifiable, blaming attitudes rarely help resolve issues.  

It may be helpful for parents to remember that, as adults, we have had years to learn to be considerate of others.  It probably started for us in our late teens or early twenties... the romantic relationships that were so important that we had to start taking into account what the other person liked and disliked.  In those exclusive relationships, we suddenly had to learn to take another person's preferences into account when planning our weekends.  You remember that phase of courtship, right?  Our sense of being considerate of another only got stronger when we actually married someone... now there was another human being who has emotional, social and legal claim to our time and attention and property.  We either learned to be more considerate or had lousy relationships.  When our kids came along, now there was another human being who depended on us thinking about their needs juxtaposed to our own needs... and the 'being considerate of others' training goes on as we grow...

Teenagers, on the other hand, are developmentally predisposed to be selfish and lack consideration.  After all, they haven't had 14-18 years of learning to take the thoughts and feelings of others into account.  The prime directive for teens is to differentiate and individualize and yet somehow remain connected to their family of origin.  They face enormous social pressure to be both unique and conformed.  They walk a fine line of being responsible and yet impulsive.  

The bottom line is that being considerate of others is a skill that is underdeveloped in most teens and if parents will work at helping them develop the skill instead of chastising them for not already having a 30-40 year old's sense of consideration, both parties would be happier and emotionally healthier.

Cheers!

-Jeff

I know everything I need to succeed in life...

Occasionally, I run across family systems that are heartbreaking.  Consider the following: my client: a middle-school aged kid.  His mom requested I work with him because of his behavior at home and at school.  Seems that all he wanted to do was play his Xbox.  He is very smart and schoolwork holds no interest for him, so he sometimes refuses to go to school.  His mom says that he often throws tantrums when he doesn't get his way.  He is close to neither parent and his siblings are old enough that he may as well be an only child. 
Using open ended questions, I discovered that he considers himself to be decently happy and content with himself, but has few friends.  Asking about the presenting issue as described by his mom, he admitted that he is spoiled.  I asked him to finish the following statement, "The most important thing in life is..."  his answer: to not be bored.  Though he is not a child of the 1990's, my brain sparked and connected to the grunge band, Nirvana and their hit, "Smells Like Teen Spirit."  Part of the chorus pleads, "here we are now, entertain us!", helping the song to be hailed as the anthem of an apathetic generation who only wanted to be entertained.  As I continued to dialog with the kid, I learned that he described his relationship with both his mother and father as distant and faint.  Developmentally, it is my understanding that most children find their identity and sense of self through their connection with their family.  At his age, he should be starting to develop his identity apart from his family, but it seems like his family identity was never really formed, as he feels no attachment or connection, only entitlement.  Trying again to get a sense of his value system, I asked him to evaluate the following quote: "Show me the person you emulate and I shall know by this measure, better than any other, who you are yourself."  The young man was quick to analyze the sentence and reflected to me that he understood its meaning.  But when I followed up with, "So, who do you admire?  Who in your life is someone that you can see yourself growing up to be?"  He thought for a few minutes and then shrugged and said, "No one, really.  I think I know everything I need to succeed in life."
At first, I had to stifle an urge to laugh at the seemingly preposterous statement I'd heard.  My bemusement quickly turned to pity when I realized that far from being cocky or feeling entitled, this young man's problem was not a character flaw in himself, but a failure in his family system.  I felt sad for him because his parents don't know enough to challenge him or help him have a healthy sense of self. 
I have come to understand, as I work with various families, that kids' behaviors and beliefs are generally a response to their environment.  So, as I am presented with a kid whose troubled behavior or attitude is labeled by their parent as the presenting issue, I am always careful to examine the family system and try to work with the parent to depathologize the kid and help the parent to accept some responsibility for the resulting behavior which they say they don't want.
Anyhow, I am saddened because my role in working with this boy is limited and in order to really address the core issues, the needed work is with the family system, something that is unlikely to happen.  I think the best I can hope for in this situation is relationship triage, not relationship repair (as it relates to helping this young man to have a healthy connection to his family).

The situation invites me to reflect on my own family functioning.  How would my children be affected if I viewed their behavior as a function of their response to the environment that I create for them in our home?  Now, I don't want to take absolute responsibility for their actions, but do I really recognize and honor the influence I have on my children, or do I discount it?  If I have generally happy children, how am I influencing their happiness?  If I have generally anxious children, how is our home environment encouraging them to be anxious?  If my children are generally angry and hateful, what kind of environment am I providing for them?

Nietzsche wrote, "When you look into the Abyss, the Abyss looks into you," reminding me that I do not remain unaffected by the families that I encounter in treatment.  Even as I hope to influence them, I recognize that I am influenced in return.  Hopefully, I will embrace the opposite philosophy that my young friend espoused and will find freedom to grow by knowing that far from having everything I need to succeed in life, I recognize that I know nothing.  And that is the beginning of wisdom.

 

Rituals

My favorite Christmas gift this year was not found at Best Buy.  Several days before Christmas, I was told that my presence at Nana's house would not be appreciated.  Apparently the kids were hard at work painting and preparing the letters for a present they wanted me to have.  It was a simple block of wood, painted matte black with letters that spelled out a simple message: "I love you... more".  Like most precious gifts, the value to me is not in the price of the wood, or the effort that went into mounting the letters.  Rather, the gift is in the symbolism. 

"More" is the name of a song by Matthew West.  It is part of a ritual I have with my kids.  We often exchange the endearment, "Love you!" when taking leave of each other and it grew into a kind of send off every morning when I drop them off at school:
Me: Bye, kids.  Learn a lot today!  I love you!
Ethan: I love you, too!
MH: I love you, more!
Ele: ... than the sun...
Me: ... and the stars...
MH: ... That I taught how to shine...
Ethan: ... you are mine, and you SHINE for me, too!

and on and on till we've sung out the chorus to each other.  So, this present they made for me is more than just a cute remembrance.  It is evidence to me that I have succeeded in impacting my children with a ritual.  This will be a "my dad used to say this to me all the time" kind of thing for the rest of their lives.  When they hear the song on the radio, they'll think of this connection and know they are loved.

Rituals are important for families.  For some, sitting down to a family meal is a ritual that binds them together.  Vacations, road trips, traditions, they can all be sorts of rituals.  I think of the sacred rituals that connect us at church: the singing, the prayers, the sharing of the Lord's supper.  Our congregation has a ritual where we close each worship service by singing, "Doxology".

Parents, if you don't have some sort of "I love you" ritual with your children, I urge you to develop one.  They help to deepen our children's sense of attachment and belonging to family and are part of a healthy way to build emotional safety in the family.  A child's sense of self-worth and identity are formed, in large part, by the relationships from their family of origin.  I can't think of a better gift that we can bestow upon our children than a deep and long lasting sense of being loved and cared for.  Maybe, it'll mean so much to them, they'll make a plaque to commemorate it. >grin<

-I love you, dear reader... more.

-jeff

You wanna fight about it?

The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.
-Sun Tzu 

I need some help understanding a way of thinking that I run across weekly as I work with teens and their parents.  My supervisor once told me that people's knee-jerk reaction to emotional stress most often is either: avoidance or aggression.  I seem to be accumulating anecdotal evidence to verify this claim.  I am an avoidance person, mostly.

I, personally, recall only one time where I decided to try aggression.  I was about 11, I think, and I got my tail handed to me.  Luckily the kid I tried to fight decided I wasn't worth getting in trouble for and let me go.  So, I really don't understand the whole aggression stance.  I've worked with many teens who tell me about the fights they've gotten into and, from my perspective, they were all avoidable.  Usually, the cause of the fight has something to do with the teen feeling disrespected or hurt in some way.  However, their worldview has validated that physical fighting solves problems and so they don't ever develop other resources or options.  To them, fighting the other person is THE way to solve their problem.  Except that it is not... because there is always another fight about (whatever), so the problem isn't ever really solved.

It seems that Hollywood glamorizes and validates this worldview.  I think about movies like Rocky and The Karate Kid, to name a few (and date myself).  Sure, they discourage out and out street fights, but even with the structure of Boxing or Karate Tournaments, the message is still: beat up the other guy and you'll have respect.

Talking to a kid about his fighting, I tried to help him think through the consequences of his worldview.
Me: So, let's say you felt like some guy was talking smack about you... how would you handle it?
Him: I don't let people talk about me like that!
Me: Yes, I know... we're just pretending right now.
Him: I'd let him know he'd better stop. (an attempt to preserve his self-image as tough and fearless)
Me: Or else...
Him: I'd whoop his @$$!
Me: Okay.  So let's say that you fight him and teach him the lesson.  But... he's just like you and doesn't want people to think he is a wuss.  What might he do in return?
Him: Probably get his homies and try to jump me.  But it wouldn't be a fair fight (there seems to be a misguided attempt to believe in some sort of honor code among tough guy teens) and even if he beats me, people will know he's a chump because he couldn't take me one on one.
Me: Let's pretend that even in a two-on-one scenario, you manage to beat both of them.  If he still feels wronged, what might he do?
Him: I don't know, use a knife or something like that.
Me: So, if he used a knife on you, what would you do?
Him: I would make sure my homeboys got my back.  It'd be on!
(I draw a quick flow chart noting the escalation of the argument)
Me: So... when does this scenario end, if it keeps escalating?
Him: With someone dead, I guess.  But it wouldn't be me...

So, I have a meeting with his dad...
Me: So, in talking with your son, I noted that he seems to have a way of thinking about solving his problems that gets him into a position where he thinks the only way out is to fight with someone else.  I'm trying to challenge that thinking and plant some seeds that there are other options.
Dad: Yeah, I know.  I mean, I try to help him with that, too.  I guess he learned it from me.  I mean, he has seen me fight before when I was drunk.  I mean, I don't always fight, but sometimes.
Me: Well, I wanted to let you know so you could give him support and talk with him about looking at other options.
Dad: Well, yeah.  But sometimes, you know, you have to fight it out.  I mean, if you try and the other guy won't back down...
Me: I'm not advocating that he doesn't need to defend himself if someone attacks him, but I think that you're hitting on the mentality he's demonstrated.  It is one thing to say that when faced with the choice of defending yourself or letting yourself get beat up, you shouldn't fight.  I'm talking about making choices BEFORE you get to the point that some guy is angry enough to fight with you.  For instance, choosing to drink to drunkedness is a good way to put yourself in a situation where you might be forced to defend yourself against an angry drunk.  But if you make the choice NOT to drink, or hang around with people who get drunk and fight, you are less likely to have to fight.
Dad: Well, sure.  I try to make sure that he makes good choices and support him.  One time, this boy and his whole family came to the house and wanted to fight my son.  Their kid was bigger then my son, so I told him it was his choice to fight or not.  I knew my son could fight well, though, because I taught him some good boxing, so he started to fight anyhow.  By the time the cops showed up, he'd got in some good hits.  The cops stopped the fight and was all asking everyone questions.  One cop said, "The next person to say a word, except to me, is going to jail!"  Well, this guy from the other family was all flipping me off and stuff so I cussed at him and I ended up getting arrested.  Anyhow, I try to tell my son, that you'll never know how things are going to turn out.  Him and that other boy are pretty good friends now, so I told him he should find out other ways to solve problems than fighting.  Because, if they'd hurt each other somehow, they wouldn't be able to be friends now.
Me: ...
Dad: But also, I get you.  I stopped drinking because I know it is bad for me.  The last time I drank was this weekend. (It was a Thursday and he'd missed a session with his son on Tuesday because he was hungover - according to his son, anyhow)

I understand that I am not going to change a person's worldview in a short period of time, but I am still astounded from time to time.  So, I looked up some stats on teen fighting:
(source: http://www.keepschoolssafe.org/students/fighting.htm)

A survey asked teens to identify the causes of fights they'd seen:

• Someone insulted someone else or treated them disrespectfully (54 percent).
• There was an ongoing feud or disagreement (44 percent).
• Someone was hit, pushed, shoved, or bumped (42 percent).
• Someone spread rumors or said things about someone else (40 percent).
• Someone could not control his or her anger (39 percent).
• Other people were watching or encouraging the fight (34 percent).
• Someone who likes to fight a lot was involved (26 percent).
• Someone didn't want to look like a loser (21 percent).
• There was an argument over a boyfriend or girlfriend (19 percent).
• Someone wanted to keep a reputation or get a name (17 percent).

 These assumptions fit with my anecdotal evidence and go to reinforce that worldview of "might makes right".
Further, the website mentions: 

Teens who are frequently involved in fights often don't know how to control their anger and prevent or avoid conflicts. They often believe that fighting is the only acceptable solution.

For example, students who fight at school are much less likely than other students to believe that it is effective to apologize or avoid or walk away from someone who wants to fight. They are also more likely to believe their families would want them to hit back if someone hit them first.¹⁷

Students who have trouble controlling their anger or who are predisposed toward fighting (agreeing with statements such as, "If I am challenged, I am going to fight," or "Avoiding fights is a sign of weakness") are at least 50 percent more likely to get in fights.¹⁸

^{Anyhow, there are all sorts of ways to think about this sociological phenomenon.  I'm just curious, dear reader, what is your worldview or how would you go about convincing someone who has this worldview to adjust their way of thinking?}

^{"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called Children of God" Matthew 5:9} 

Discipline, Correction and Punishment

In my line of work, I often work with families who are experiencing some disruption in their household functioning.  I get called in to assess and help them develop their strengths and resources so they can self-correct.  When the issues revolve around the relationship between the parent(s) and the child(ren), we often have to discuss their parenting skills and philosophy.

Parenting philosophy?  Who ever sits down and thinks through what their philosophy of parenting is going to be?  We just kind of "do" parenting, right?  With few exceptions, people mostly learn how to be a parent because of their "starter kid" (kid #1).  We go to birthing classes to make sure we can survive the trauma of childbirth, but no parent comes through the process of child-rearing unchanged. 

So, most families I work with have never considered their parenting philosophy.  Particularly, the model used for discipline in a family is usually either 1) I know how I was raised and it seemed to work pretty well OR 2) I will never do (insert parenting action) to my child!  Either way, the main approach to parenting seems to be reactionary rather than proactive.

Now, I know that the dictionary definitions will list the following words as synonyms, but I believe that they have distinct connotations (that is, we have other thoughts and feelings that are attached to our usage of these words beyond what the dictionary says).  The words are: Discipline, Correction and Punishment.  I often hear people use the words interchangeably, as having the same, or similar meanings.  This is because their usage reflects their mentality about their parenting philosophy, ie it is reactionary.  It means, I primarily respond to how my children are feelings and behaving rather than being proactive and teaching them how to behave and feel. 

Here is the distinction I make between those concepts:
Discipline: Comes from the Latin root discere, which means to learn (we get the word discern from it) and from the Latin word disciplus, which means pupil. So, someone who disciplines (the parent) is someone who teaches.  This word, properly used, then should have a positive connotation.  Teaching and learning are associated with growth and development and strength.
Correction: This concept has to do with setting thing right (also from the Latin, corrigere, from which we also get the word corrigible: the ability of something to be changed, reformed or improved).  From a systems perspective, it can mean "to reverse a trend or pattern".  Again, this has a very positive connotation.  Making things right is empowering.
Punishment: This is the act of inflicting penalty on someone who has done something wrong; to treat roughly, to injure or hurt, to cause a loss of freedom or money or to provide physical pain for wrongdoing.  This clearly carries with it negative thoughts and feelings.  Inflict, withhold, deny, punish, penalize... all words that indicate that one would want to avoid what is connected with them.

So part of a healthy philosophy of parenting (in my experience) would be: Children deserve to be disciplined and corrected.  Children do not deserve to be punished.  If it is true that children are in the process of being formed and developed and growing, then naturally, they deserve to be taught how to feel and behave and corrected, or set on the right path, when they deviate. 

Discipline, then, is a long process that evolves to meet the changing needs of a developing child.  A parent who disciplines a child is a parent who teaches a child how to manage their emotions and control their behaviors.  When a child grows with that sort of teaching and guidance, the child should naturally develop a confidence in his/her own ability to self regulate those emotions and behaviors and very little correction should be necessary.

Why is it then, that the topic of discipline and correction of children such a challenge for parents?  Here are some possible answers:
1) Parents have inadequate coping skills for their own anxiety and thus are hindered in their ability to help their children cope with theirs.
2) Some children have experienced traumas which makes understanding rules and expectations challenging.
3) Many parents have inaccurate knowledge of how children grow and develop so they respond inappropriately to their children, based on their stage of development.
4) A common mindset for parents is that discipline = punishment and so they end up RESPONDING to inappropriate behavior, but never teaching and guiding to right behavior.
5) Humans learn by observation and some parents end up teaching their children, by their own behavior, how to cope with emotions and relationships in unhealthy ways, and then blame their children for not knowing better.

There are probably more reasons, based on specific circumstances, but that is sufficient to prove my point about how most parents don't ever stop to consider *how* they do their parenting.  We take it for granted that we will be in relationship with our kids because, well, they are our children.  So we tend to ignore the skill and maintenance that goes into regular relationships.  Skills like; spending quality time together, building trust, fostering communication, caring for the other...

I could go on and on, but the point I wanted to make with this post is this: "Children deserve to be disciplined (taught and guided in what is right) and corrected (set straight when they make poor choices).  Children do not deserve to be punished."

-jeff

Requiem

Working as a chaplain at the hospital, I was regularly summoned to be present for traumatic events: removing someone from life support; delivering news to waiting family that a loved one did not survive a surgery; responding to a multiple-car wreck ambulance call... and the worst kind of all: fetal demise.

Just thinking about having to endure any part of those situations is emotionally difficult for many people.  Medical staff, emergency responders, and law officers are trained to deal with them, but most folks just crumble when they think about it.  Of course, those situations are devastating for the families and individuals who have endured them.  Many times, a family member would comment to me, as everyone was leaving to mourn in their own way, "Chaplain, I don't know how you do your job."  It is easy, in a way, to remain compartmentalized in my thinking, my feeling about grief and loss.  Today, however, there was no way I could keep from feeling the enormous sense of sadness and emptiness that accompanies the death of a child.

This morning, we learned that the daughter of one of Amelia's lifelong friends died in her sleep, likely of hypoglycemic shock, or low blood sugar, and complications with her Type 1 Diabetes.  I was stricken with grief on several levels.  First, my heart broke as a parent, for our friend and her family.  Second, anxiety and fear for my own children, two of whom have T1D, gripped me and wouldn't let me go.  I shifted into crisis mode to make it through the day.  I went to my wife, to offer comfort and to be with her in joint grief as partners/parents/friends and we wept together.  Amelia took the rest of the day off work to tend to her grief and her friend.  I went to see my mom, because that is what moms are for.  Where I felt I needed to be strong for my wife, I felt I could just be a scared boy with my mom, so I got some more of my anxiety out.  Then I went to work, where I tried to be productive.  While I was helping other families deal with their dysfunctions and crises, I was fine, but I couldn't focus to do any of my paperwork.

I spent the evening with my kids, going to a play practice and then a homecoming football game, but now, as we get ready to put kids to bed, I'm faced with doing battle with a wicked team: Diabetes and Anxiety.  Although we live daily in the shadow of the specter of Diabetes, we are protected by an illusion of normalcy that allows us to believe that we have things under control.  Tonight, the veil we rely on to help us function has been ripped away by the death of our friend's daughter.  Tonight, we can't ignore or pretend that this reality doesn't exist for us: Death is always at our doorstep.  No matter our vigilance, our precautions, our education, our habits... Diabetes stands ready to claim the lives of our son and our daughter.

Earlier today, I asked a dear friend and fellow T1 sufferer, Sarah Ray, for some advice.  She has lived with the same issue, the same disease for many years.  She helped me to be able to come to terms with today:

"...Sarah, just wanted to let you know that _________'s little girl, _____, died in her sleep last night. I am not sure if you know them or not, but ____ was Type 1 and she had difficulty with seizures and such from her lows. _______ and Amelia have been friends since they were little girls. We are all pretty sad right now. Haven't told the kids yet, as they are at school, but would appreciate prayers and maybe even some pointers on how to help MH and Ethan not have anxiety over going to sleep.
love you,
jeff..." 

Sarah Ray
"... I am praying and very sad as well I had seen posts on Amelia's wall about her but had never gotten to meet her and I believe u guys have talked about her to me. Not sure how I did not connect with her. I am sorry its so close to home and I will try to think of some thing for MH and Ethan but I am just as scared some nights all I can have is faith that God is not done with me yet. I know having the Cgms will maybe help for MH and Ethan to feel safe sleeping. It scares me too,
Love Sarah..."

Sarah reminded me, helped me remember what my grief and fear caused me to lose sight of... God is in control.  He is in control not only of the life and death of my children, but of everyone's life, including my own.  I am not saying I believe that God caused the death of this precious child, rather, that God is ruler of life and death.  I agree with his servants the prophets who declared that his ways are higher than our ways and his thoughts, our thoughts.  I take comfort knowing that despite the tragedy we experience living in this broken world, God is a god of redemption.  He works to redeem not only people, but situations.  Tragic, awful, devastating situations.  Nothing is beyond God's ability to redeem for His glory.  So, while I mourn for my friend's loss, I rejoice knowing God is at work.  While I grieve for our sadness, I also sacrifice my anxiety on the altar of faith.  I think tonight, as I struggle to sleep, I hear God's voice whispering to me, "Dear child, things will never be the same, but trust me... it will be alright."  Come, Lord Jesus.  I'm ready for some tear wiping...

Switch the ratio

Widely noted for his studies on marital success, Dr. John Gottman has identified what he calls the 'golden ratio' that can help predict the long term stability of relationships. To sum up, he notes that relationships that are stable and have high satisfaction are characterized by a 5:1 ratio. That is, during conflict, for every 1 negative interaction (criticism, invalidation, hostility), there need to be 5 positive interactions (asking questions, showing kindness, affection), just to achieve balance.

I have a hunch that although Gottman's research is directed at marital relationships, there is a lesson to be learned about our relationships in general.  I frequently have the opportunity to visit with parents about parenting issues.  I sometimes ask parents to evaluate the ratio of their interactions with their children, especially during conflict.  When we honestly look at how we react to our children, we frequently find that as parents, we allow our frustration, anger, and annoyance to mar our interactions.  We criticize, put down, subtly invalidate, and otherwise behave in ways that our children interpret negatively.  Consider this scenario:

Kid: Dad, can (best friend) spend the night on Friday?
Dad: I don't think so, sweetie.  We've got a lot going on Saturday and it would mean we had to do a lot of rescheduling.
Kid: (pouting) You *never* let my friends spend the night.
Dad: (feeling disrespected, speaking sarcastically) Oh, right.  You *NEVER* get *ANYTHING* you want to do. 
Kid: (changing tactics) Please, Dad?  I promise we won't stay up too late and I'll be good for the rest of the weekend...
Dad: (not willing to negotiate) What? You think I'm going to change my mind?  How about you be good all weekend and THEN I'll decide whether (best friend) can stay next weekend?
Kid: (resorting to pouting) Ohhhh... that's not fair!  (Sibling) gets to have friends over all the time!
Dad: Quit being such a whiner!  I'm tired of having to tell you over and over that whining doesn't work.

On the surface, it sounds like a pretty typical exchange between a parent and child, right? Dad is sticking to his guns and kid shouldn't be so disrespectful.  Tally up the negative interactions, though.  Sarcasm, rhetorical questions to make his point, invalidation, hyperbole... If we apply the golden ratio, Dad would need to offer about 20 positive bids just to balance out his words.  Now, you may note that the kid in that scenario was inviting Dad to behave that way.  There was probably some past history that led Dad to reach his conclusions.  However, Dad had a choice in his responses and chose to respond the way he did, so even though the kid's behavior wasn't ideal, we need to keep ourselves accountable for our example as parents.  How will we ever expect our kids to learn about healthy relationships unless we are willing to be responsible for our own feelings and behaviors toward our children?

What if we were willing to try an experiment in our homes.  Just for a day or two, whether we have conflictual situations or normal interactions... what if we strove to overload our relationships with positive interactions.  What if we looked for what our kids were doing that was right and good and commented on those things?  What if we overlooked every minor infraction (there are a bunch of those, right?  From being messy to fidgeting when they are supposed to be still) and just let them go without undue attention?  What if we went out of our way to set up situations where we know our kids will do well and then praise the heck out of them?  Here are some things I brainstormed in just a few minutes that my kids did today (and I didn't even get to see them very much today) that I can praise them for:

Mary Hannah: woke up and got dressed with no fussing, packed her own backpack and lunch, encouraged her siblings in the car on the way to school, entertained herself on the computer at poptropica.com (an appropriate and fun website), used earbuds to listen to her music when she was in a room full of other people so she wouldn't bother them with her music.
Ethan: Woke up with little prompting this morning, remembered that it was waffle day and reminded me, didn't argue with Ele when she claimed it was her turn to ride shotgun (it wasn't), played with Timothy without incident, accepted redirection when he got up and didn't want to go back to bed.
Ele: cuddled with me for a few minutes in the morning after she got dressed, greeted me at the door tonight and showed me that she'd cleaned up her room and made her bed without being told, shared space with her brother when they both wanted to sit in the same chair at the same time, cleaned off her plate this morning without being asked.

Now, I could let those incidents go by without comment.  Honestly, most of those things are normal expectations.  I could just wait for them to stop doing something or to mess up and do something wrong and then fuss at them for messing up.  But that happens all too often.  I'd like to spend less time trying to fix what I think is going wrong and more time helping things go right.

I also want to point out that most of those things I listed were accomplishments, something they'd done.  I want to try and praise them for those things, but also (and more importantly), I want to praise my children for who they are, for their character traits which prompt that behavior: initiative, kindness, generosity, helpfulness, affirmation, encouragement, patience, consideration.

I wonder what my household would look like if I changed the ratio?  I wonder if I'd notice that before asking my children to change, I needed to change how I looked at things and handled things.  I wonder if anyone is willing to assess their family functioning and see if their ratio could stand to be adjusted a little more to the positive side.  I'll admit it is challenging.  In fact, outside (and internal) stressors constantly pick away at my ability to accomplish this feat.  Than again, most things that are worthwhile aren't very easy, but they are usually very rewarding. 

Thanks, Dr. Gottman, for doing the research that gives us a goal.  Thanks, parents who challenge me to do better by my own kids. 

But I won't do that...

Here is an example of an oft-heard phrase in couple's therapy:

Man: I would do anything for her! I'd go to the ends of the earth for her...
Therapist: She's not asking you to go to the ends of the earth, she's asking you to go to the end of the driveway and take out the trash.

Do you ever find it odd that people will express their love in lavish and extreme verbal ways, but their physical follow through is piss-poor?

In teaching a parent recently about a parenting philosophy, I mentioned that it is difficult for us to influence our children if they do not like us. The parent responded, "I don't need her to like me. I don't need to be her friend. I love her and I would do anything for her, anything in the universe, whether she likes me or not. I won't let her throw her life away."
I replied, "If you would do anything for her, then would you stop talking over her and take time to listen to and understand her? That is what she's asking for from you. I'm not excusing her bad behavior, but it stems from not feeling cared about or valued by the person who matters most to her."

Next time we feel hurt by a loved one's actions or inactions and we are tempted to justify our feelings of anger and hurt by declaring how loving WE are and what we would do for our love... pause a moment and ask, "What is the other person really asking me for?" My wife doesn't want me to walk 10,000 miles for her, she wants me to respect and appreciate her in all the small, easy ways.

Why is that so hard for us knuckleheads?

Socratic Method in Parenting? Helping children develop good decision making.

Hello, readers.

I've had some thoughts mulling recently that I would like to share and about which I'd like some feedback.

It has been my experience that many parents under-utilize the power of questions in helping their child to make good decisions. What I mean by that is parents tend to do a lot more 'telling-their-child-how-to-behave' rather than helping them choose that behavior. Now, I don't know about you, but in general, doing something because I'm told to do it invites resistance on my part. In contrast, if I come to the conclusion of my own accord to behave a certain way, I am more likely to get to that behavior AND I'm more likely to have a better attitude about it.

In one of the parenting classes I teach, we talk about using short, directive statements that detail what action or behavior is desired. For instance, "I need you to pick up all the dirty clothes and put them in the clothes hamper" is more helpful to a kid than having a parent complain, "Goodness gracious! Your room is a pigsty! Why can't you keep things clean?!?" The former is non-blaming and contains direction whereas the latter is vague and invites comparison to a pig and recrimination as well . I understand that in many cases, a parent might say to me, concerning my example, "Jeff, we tried the first statement a hundred times before we got so frustrated that you are now hearing us say the second!" I get that. We have our days at the Emery household as well. However, the idea that I've bouncing around in my head is a complementary approach. I don't think it will or should replace positive, directive statements, but I think it has some helpful implications.

At some point, as parents, we become confident that our child(ren) know what needs to be done, or what behavior is expected, at any given point in time. For instance, I have confidence that my children know how to behave, but they lack the mental capacity to choose well when under stress (then again, we all do... on occasion).
So, if I have confidence that my child *knows* the right thing to do, then it doesn't make a whole lot of sense for me to tell her again, when I observe her choosing a poor behavior. What I mean to say is that the problem is not a lack of knowledge, it is an underdeveloped process of choosing, or decision making. So, as a parent, I need to learn a better way to help my children develop their decision making skills in a way that invites them to choose the better way.

Now, I need to digress for a moment to point out that it is possible to do the right thing the wrong way and thus muck it up. For instance, you can do things with sarcasm or with disdain or resentment that ruins the whole gesture. Let's say that I'm arguing with my wife and after a time, I can tell that neither of us is gaining any ground, so I apologize just to end the argument. "Fine, I'm sorry, okay? Whatever." See, now, I said the words... but my behavior, tone and attitude conveyed a different message. Not only was I not sorry when I said it, but I also left my partner feeling devalued as well.

So, as I explain the benefits of using questions to help develop good decision making in children, keep in mind that when our hearts are hurt... when we are embittered, angry or frustrated... this technique has the potential to backfire. Our frame of mind when using questions to help our children make good decisions needs to be free of trying to blame them or make them feel stupid for not seeing the 'obvious' answer. It needs to be a sincere effort to help them learn and grow and out of love for the individual. If your child can see your way of being toward them at that moment, it will help them be receptive to the teaching.

So, here is a conversation I had with my youngest daughter a while ago where I wanted her to choose the right thing instead of me forcing her to accept what I knew to be the right thing. Editorial comments are in parentheses.

Setup: Our heater was out over a weekend and we were using space heaters in the living room to keep warm. Eleanor was curled up on the couch and vocally complaining of being cold, so she asked if she could go change clothes. Amelia agreed and Ele left the room for a bit. When she returned, she was wearing a thin nightgown (pink and princess-y of course) which offered even less in the way of warmth than what she had been wearing. Amelia protested and told Ele to go put on long sleeves and pants. Ele threw a fit, claiming the nightgown was warmer. Am instructed Ele to go change and Ele just escalated the crying. I followed Ele to her room to help her process why she was misbehaving.

Me: Ele, why are you fussing?
Ele: (crying) Because I want to wear this dress and Mommy won't let me!
Me: I understand that you want to wear the nightgown, but you were complaining about being cold.
Ele: This is warm! Really!
Me: (pointing to the clothes in the floor next to her) I know mommy just wants to help you be warmer and I think that those clothes will do a better job.
Ele: No they won't! Please, just let me wear this!
Me: Ele, tell me, how is your behavior right now?
Ele: Bad....
Me: Well, Mommy has told you to change your clothes into pants and a long sleeve shirt. Are you doing what Mommy told you to do?
Ele: But, Daddy...
Me: Ele, answer me. Are you doing what Mommy told you to?
Ele: No...
Me: What is the right thing to do right now?
(This is the important question for her. Give her the opportunity to make the decision. I could just yell at her and make her do what she'd been told to do, but I think the investment in helping her make the decision for herself will pay off down the road)
Ele: I don't know!
Me: You don't know what the right thing to do is?
Ele: (pitifully) no...
Me: Okay, well, I have some stuff to do in the kitchen and I'll check back with you in a few minutes. In the meantime, why don't you sit on your bed and come up with something that might work for you right now.
(I left her for about five minutes and then came back)
Me: Ele, are you ready to talk? Did you think about the right thing to do?
Ele: Daddy, I really just want to wear my princess dress!
Me: I understand that, baby. I am sure that later, when it is bedtime, you can put that on. What do you need to wear right now?
Ele: (dithering) oh...those clothes (pointing at the jeans and shirt)... But I don't want to!
(At this point, the question was no longer about warmth, it was about obedience, so I made that overt)
Me: Eleanor, it seems like you are having a hard time being obedient. Being obedient means that even if you don't agree, you obey, or listen to, what Mommy and Daddy tell you to do. I understand what you want to do right now, but what is the right thing to do if you are going to be obedient?
Ele: I don't know!
Me: (getting frustrated) I just told you. You don't have to agree with Mommy, but you do need to obey her when she tells you to do something. Now, what is the right thing to do in order to be obedient?
Ele: (whining) ooohh...I just don't know.
Me: Well, I don't know either, baby. Why don't you take a few more minutes to think about it...
(I left for about five minutes more and then returned. Variations on this last part of the conversation occurred for the next 15 minutes, with breaks in between. Finally, Ele offered a compromise.)
Me: Well, did you figure out the right thing to do toward Mommy to show her that you are obedient?
Ele: How about if I put on this shirt, too? It is warm.
(This compromise was Ele trying to save face a little. It allowed her to comply with Amelia's directive, but to do it in her own way.)
Me: I think that would be fine. Now, when we are fussy at each other, what else do we need to do once we do what Mommy asked us to do?
Ele: I don't know what you mean.
Me: Well, you disobeyed Mommy and yelled and fussed at her. How do you need to make things right with her?
Ele: I need to tell her I'm sorry.
Me: That is a good start. After you tell her you are sorry, you need to behave in a helpful way so that we don't have go get fussy at each other again, k? I proud that you were able to think about how to be obedient and then you chose to do the right thing. (gives hugs)

Now, consider how this could have gone (and sometimes does!): Amelia and I both fuss/yell at Eleanor for not listening and command her to do as she is told. Ele would likely be resistant and defiant (how do you feel when when someone orders you around?), causing us to escalate things and threaten her with punishment if she doesn't comply. Then it moves from being a warmth issue or even an obedience issue and it becomes a power/control issue. The end result is that parents sometimes end up inviting the very behavior from their kids that they claim to dislike. The opposite is true as well. Sometimes kids tell me that they want their parents to stop yelling so much, but upon investigating their interactions, it becomes clear that the child's behavior invites their parents to yell.

So, why does questioning work better in the long run?
* It invites critical thinking because the child has to process the information, rather than having it force upon them by someone else's will.
* The very nature of it communicates that that person's opinion is valuable and that they are capable of making decisions.
* Done properly, it is empowering and promotes self-confidence.
* It models good development for the child, for later in life, so they can do it for their children
* Over time, it frees the parent from having to micro-manage their children.

I would appreciate feedback on this post. You can reply on my blogger.com page, on my Facebook wall (once this is imported) or send a note to jde95f (at) gmail (dot) com.

-jeff

100th Post! Parenting

As I logged in to type up this blog, I noticed that it would be #100. So... Woo Hoo! Kinda neat, eh? Now back to the good stuff...

I've been getting ready to present a short seminar on Co-parenting after divorce and I ran across some interesting resources on the net. The most useful one was this site: The Parent Coach Plan. It had good information and some great free resources.

I've been working with a program at a non-profit company that does preventative and crisis intervention counseling with at-risk families for about a year now and I've experienced all sorts of interesting family configurations. It seems like the "traditional family" of Dad, Mom, 2.5 kids and a dog is not only rare nowadays, but is virtually non-existent. More often, I'm working with grandparents raising grandkids, single moms or dads with or without stepkids, a sister who raised her half and step siblings and then found out that she had another brother in foster care who she found and adopted and is raising all while she is trying to start a career, military blended families who are not only dealing with family issues but reverse culture shock as they come back to their home country... 'family' is a very loose term for the people with whom you are in close relationship. Anyhow, I'm processing lots of great information about parents leading me to ask some questions like:

How does one learn to be a good parent? It is not like kids come with a manual, and we all know the jokes about how there is no licensing test to be able to have kids (although there is one to have foster kids...) We pick up from our parents either lessons on how to be a loving, caring parent or lessons on what *we will NEVER do to our own kids*, am I right? :) Sometimes our best examples of parenting aren't found in our own families of origin, but in others that we perceive to 'have it all together'. I'm sure that culture influences us to some extent as well.

What does a good parent look like? What qualities do we strive for as parents? Patience is a key virtue here as well as consistency. Listening skills are important as are general communication skills: say what you mean, be brief, be clear. The ability to create and foster safety and security for our children is important.

Anyhow, one of the resources on the aforementioned website follows this paragraph. I thought it was an interesting exercise and I encourage any parents that read this to fill in the blanks and discover what they can about their own parenting proficiency. Enjoy!

(seeing as I have three children, I'll focus on just my oldest, for brevity's sake)

I AM A ___________________ PARENT.

I am a great parent. I really believe this and don't doubt it. Well, hardly ever. I recognize that there are times when I make decisions that are selfish or self serving, but so far, they have been of little consequence. I feel that I generally try to do the best I can for my children and I feel good about my efforts.

I NEED TO BECOME A MORE ___________PARENT.

I need to become a more present parent. I feel like I don't get to spend enough time with my family. At this point in my career, I'm working many long hours (hey, it is almost 2am now!) trying to get to a point where I don't have to work so hard... pause for irony... Anyhow, I feel that sometimes I've been under pressure (real or imagined) to take on too much responsibility and I miss my family and I know they miss me.

MY CHILD THINKS I AM A ______________PARENT.

My child thinks I am a loving parent. Not a day goes by that I don't tell my children how loved they are, by me, by mommy, by God. We have some rituals about telling and showing our love for each other including singing, hugging and kissing regularly.

I WISH MY CHILD WOULD STOP ________________.

I wish my child would stop ... I can't think of anything at the moment. All of the minor annoyances, small disobediences, grumpy mornings... in the grand scheme of things, they don't matter very much and I'm certain they will pass with time as she grows and develops. Even the emotional growing pains that she is undergoing are a marvel to watch and learn from her reactions and feelings about the situation.

I WISH MY CHILD WOULD START ______________.

I wish my child would start being more aware of her influence and how she is influenced by others. It won't bother me if she isn't a 'leader' per se, but I want her to be comfortable with herself and her own decisions to the point that she doesn't feel the pressure to follow the rash decisions of her peers.

I HOPE MY CHILD NEVER _________________.

I hope my child never stops growing or learning. If I can help her be a life long learner... about her environment, about her spirituality, about herself, I think I will have done a good job as a parent.

I NEED TO GIVE MY CHILD MORE _____________.

I need to give my child more love. I believe that she spells it: T-I-M-E.

MY CHILD'S BEHAVIOR WOULD BE BETTER IF _____________.

... if she were to take more ownership for her feelings, but I'd put her in the top 90% of kids her age in her ability to manage her emotions.

MY CHILD'S FRIENDS ARE _________________________.

My child's friends are remarkable. I believe that, as parents, we have cultivated relationships with families who are also remarkable in their values and devotion to God and each other. Modeling good friendships in the parent's lives is important for our children to see. I feel that my child has chosen her friends well and really enjoys those relationships.

MY CHILD MAKES ME PROUD WHEN _________________.

I am proud of my child when she shows good judgment, when she chooses kindness, when she displays a gentleness of spirit, when she uses her wit to make me laugh, when she picks the right thing over the easy thing... I could go on for a long time with this answer...

MY CHILD DISAPPOINTS ME WHEN ___________________.

Really, my biggest disappointments with my child are when my expectations are out of proportion with her development. Meaning that my disappointment with her is usually born from my own failings, not hers.

MY CHILD'S MOOD IS TYPICALLY _____________________.

Cheerful and curious.

MY CHILD'S BEHAVIOR IS TYPICALLY ________________.

Playful and exuberant.

MY CHILD LIKES TO _______________________________.

learn. To read. To ride horses. To spend time with friends. To cuddle. To collect almost anything. To sing. To joke around.... etc, etc...

MY CHILD HATES TO _______________________________.

She hates to stop having fun.

I WANT TO TEACH MY CHILD TO ___________________.

Care for herself so that she can make the most of the opportunities God sets before her.

I PROVIDE A ______________ ENVIRONMENT FOR MY CHILD.

I believe I provide a healthy environment for my child: spiritually, emotionally, physically. There is room to grow and the safety to explore her environment.

MY DISCIPLINE IS _______________________________.

slanted heavily toward helping my child take responsibility for her feelings and behavior.

OUR FAMILY IS ______________________________.

Our family is connected, flexible and strong.

I HOPE THAT SOME DAY MY CHILD WILL ________________.

grow to own the faith that we have planted in her.

I KNOW THAT SOME DAY MY CHILD WILL _____________.

Be a great parent to my grandchildren.

If you repost this survey, please link me or let me know. I'd love to see what others come up with. God bless you!

-jeff

When even "normal" gets overwhelmed...

I had a really great day today. Really great. A good day with the family. We attended worship services at the Abilene Mission church, which was a interesting experience for us. Afterwards, we fellowshipped with two great families all afternoon. Great worship, good food, friendship, swimming and even a nap. Not bad for a Sunday!

So why did I get overwhelmed this evening? Because sometimes it all just catches up with you. Let's rewind....
On Friday, we had our quarterly A1C checkup at OU Children's Hosptial. This checkup allows us to get a glimpse of how Mary Hannah's and Ethan's bodies are handling their blood sugars, and consequentially, allows us to know if we need to make adjustments in our Diabetes Management strategy. In general, we feel like we have a handle on how our family copes with this chronic illness that has afflicted my older two children. When people ask us how we deal with Type 1 Diabetes, my response is usually that it has become our 'normal'. Yes, it was traumatic when we got the diagnosis for Ethan. Yes, it was a kick in the pants when we got Mary Hannah's diagnosis. Yes, if I stop and think about it, we are affected everyday in a million small ways by how Diabetes gets to dictate how we go about living our 'normal' everyday lives. But the truth is that most of the time, we don't stop and think about it, we just do it. I asked Amelia recently what she told people when they asked her about our coping strategy. She said something like, "I tell them that we just do it. People usually are pretty sympathetic and say stuff like, 'I don't know how you do it...' and I always just think, 'The options are: you do it, or :your child dies, so you just do it."

Well, I don't know what combination of factors fed into how I was handling things tonight, but I got a little overwhelmed this evening. After a great time today, we got home and I started making some dinner for Ethan and Eleanor (Mary Hannah was spending the night with a friend). Ethan's blood glucose has been high most of the day, and so I opted for a meal with few carbohydrates. See, this is one of the things that I usually don't think about. As a family, we can't just decide what we want to eat based on what we're hungry for, or what we have on hand to cook. We always, always, have to be aware of how what we eat will affect blood sugars. Because Ethan had been running with high BG all day, it indicated to me that for some reason, he was not getting the insulin he needed to process the sugar in his blood. It could have been an occlusion in his pump. It could be that he is getting sick and despite having insulin to cover his BG, his liver could be dumping extra sugar into his blood to help his immune system. It could be that Ethan was sneaking food and not telling us (doubtful). It could be a ton of different things. Anyhow, I figured that a low carb meal would be best, so we had what we call 'homemade lunchables'. Basically: lunch meat (effectively zero carbs), cheese (again, very low carbs), crackers (just a few carbs each), sugar free pudding (just a few carbs) and flavored water drinks (zero carbs). I told Ethan to go ahead and check his BG again before dinner. Turns out, he left his insulin kit at our friend's house. Now, in our case, leaving the insulin kit isn't a big deal if we are at home. We have extra syringes, extra insulin, extra glucometers, extra everything here at the house. But in principle, we're trying to help Ethan grow in his responsibility for managing his diabetes on his own. Part of that is remembering to take his kit with him wherever he goes. I gave him the ol' pep talk about being responsible and we sat down to eat.

After dinner, it was time to change Ethan's pump site. For clarification, Ethan has an Omnipod insulin pump. It is a nifty little pump that has all of the component parts contained in a 'pod' that is about the size of a small pager. We fill the 'pod' with insulin and affix it to the site and a spring loaded needle inserts a short 1/4" plastic cannula into the subcutaneous fat tissue and the pump begins delivering insulin to the body. The pump's computer is programmed with all the information about Ethan's insulin needs and does for him what your pancreas and endocrine system do for your body. Back to the story... there are basically only a few sites on the body with enough body fat to serve as sites for the pump: the abdomen, thighs, upper arms and buttocks. Over time, if the same site is used over and over, it builds up a resistance to the insulin absorption and becomes less effective. Thus, it is considered to be 'best practice' to rotate the sites you use. The site is usually changed every three days or so, so if you use all the available sites, each site will only have to bear the burden for three days every couple of weeks. On a little boy who is experiencing growth spurts and losing his baby fat, this process can be challenging. Ethan does not like to use his legs, as he says it is uncomfortable for sitting and when he is lying down. However, after our visit to the Endocrinologist, we were reminded of the necessity of rotating sites. So, I told Ethan that we needed to use his legs, too. He whined and fussed at me because he really didn't want to place the pump on his legs. Incidentally, MH doesn't like to use her abdomen and prefers her legs and arms. Ethan continued fussing at me. I reasoned with him:
Me: Hey buddy, look at your fingers. (he holds up his fingers) How many do you have?
Ethan: Twenty.
Me: Count again, just fingers.
Ethan: Oh, ten.
Me: How many have callouses because of how often you have to prick them to check your sugars?
Ethan: (counting his callouses) Four.
Me: Okay, so those fingers are getting worn out, right? It makes it harder to check your sugar when you overuse those fingers. The same thing happens to your pump sites. We really need to be using your legs, too, buddy.
Ethan: But I don't like it with my 'pod' on my legs!
Me: I know, brother. But, listen, I can't take the Diabetes away from you. All I can do is help you do the best job taking care of it, and I'm telling you that even if you don't like it, this is the best thing to do.
Ethan: (crying now) I hate it. Why did God even have to invent... (he catches himself here...) Why does God allow Diabetes to happen?
Me: ...
Ethan: I hate it. It... (looks at me right in the eyes) it SUCKS!
Me: Yes. Yes it does. But until someone figures out a cure, we just have to do the best we can, alright?

We go on to get the 'pod' affixed to his thigh and the spring loaded needle inserts the cannula with a *pop* and Ethan just explodes with crying and fussing. I know that it hurts to some extent, but we've been doing this for a while now and I know that his crying is out of proportion with the actual pain and has more to do with the mileage he's getting in attention from Daddy, but I'm feeling pretty sympathetic to him right now and so I just let him fuss. I drew him into an embrace and just let him cry. After a few minutes, I sent him back to his room to get ready for bed and promised to come read a story in a few minutes. Ethan left the room and it was as if his emotionality had been transferred to me. All the unfairness of Diabetes, all the sh.. stuff we have to deal with on a day in-day out basis, all of the expense, all of the vigilance, all of the equipment, all of the .... you get the idea... The frustration of having to hold my son and not have an answer for him about why *he* has to suffer from this condition, it all just hit me and I cried. Not for long, and not very loudly, but I cried. Amelia had been watching me and asked if I was okay. I told her that I know we usually just consider all this to be our 'normal', but that the experience of having to reason with my son, to just accept the suck-iness of this disease... it is an experience that I shouldn't have to have. I don't cry about it often, but tonight it just really got to me.

So, Amelia held me for a few minutes while I cried and then I sucked up my fussiness and read my babies a nighttime story and tucked them in to bed. I told them that I love them and that God loves them and that everything is okay. Then I went back into the living room and Amelia and I sat, reading books in companionable silence till the phone rang. It was from Mary Hannah's friend's mom letting us know that MH didn't have extra insulin so that she could change her 'pod'.
Amelia: Do you want me to go?
Me: *sigh* Nah, I'll do it.
Amelia: (lightheartedly) Well, I managed to pack extra test strips for her glucometer and an extra 'pod' for her because I knew she'd need to change sites tonight... I just forgot the insulin.
Me: (kissing Amelia) 'sokay, baby. This is our life. Be back in a bit. You want anything while I'm out?
Amelia: I don't *need* anything, but if you manage to bring home a sweet tea, I wouldn't mind.
Me: Back in a bit...

And I'm back to 'normal'


*I am not looking for sympathy here. My purpose in blogging about this is to heighten awareness about the social/emotional toll of chronic illness. For people who don't deal with it, I hope it will raise your awareness about some of the challenges that families face on an emotional level. For people who read this and identify with the emotions and struggle, I hope that this narrative will reassure you that your feelings are normal and acceptable. Often, caregivers get stuck feeling like they can't express their feelings because they'll be seen as whine-y, or misunderstood, or pitied, etc. I appreciate what you are going through and I hope that you have a way to cope with and find strength in doing what you do best: caring for and loving your families despite the way that the illness tries to tear down and control your daily life. May God richly bless you. - jeff

Just being born

A while ago, I had a counseling session with a couple that made me evaluate myself. That happens a lot, you know. I think a good session works both ways, shaping the client and shaping the therapist. That is a good thing.

Anyhow, this client couple was in my office for a variety of reasons: marriage, communication, anger, infidelity, family of origin issues... you name it. Over the course of the hour, one phrase that jumped out at me was, "All I ever wanted to do was make my dad happy. Man, how I tried." I asked, "Did it ever work? Did you ever manage to please him?" The client thought about it and responded, "Well, he came to visit a few years ago and I think he was really pleased with what I've done." I may be reading too much into that reply, but what I *didn't* hear was very interesting to me. The client didn't say, 'My dad was proud of who I am' or 'He told me that he loved me'. He said that the Dad was pleased with what was done... What does it say about a person's identity to feel that one has to earn a parent's love? Part of me felt that the dynamic was all wrong. Perhaps that was just my adult sensibilities.

When I got home that night, all three of my kids attacked me when I got in the door. I had to beg them to quit hugging on me so I could set my things down and hug them properly. After bathtime, Ethan came running and stood on my lap (that is right, he was standing on my thighs). I made him sit down and said, "Ethan, I have a serious question for you. I want to know what you think you have to *do* in order for me to love you. (I put special verbal emphasis on the word DO)" Ethan thought about it for a minute and said, "Nothing. Just be born, I guess."

I don't know why any parent would want things to be otherwise. I'm glad that even at age 6, Ethan knows that he doesn't have to do anything to earn my love. He knows that I love him just because he is. I may get angry, I might be disappointed by his behavior or choices, but he doesn't have to *do* anything to make me love him and he is secure knowing that no matter what he does, he can't make me *not* love him. The same goes with Mary Hannah and Eleanor.

I believe that this is a glimpse into God's point of view that he sometimes blesses parents with: the gift of reminding us that he sees us much the same way we see our children. God loves us because we are his. Not only that, but he loves us much more than we can ever love our children. We had a role in creating our children, but God individually created each of us. Even more than that, he redeemed us, adopted us, sanctified us and restored us into relationship with him. We are greatly loved by our Eternal Father. How much more reason do we need to love others because they are loved by God just the same?