Discipline, Correction and Punishment

In my line of work, I often work with families who are experiencing some disruption in their household functioning.  I get called in to assess and help them develop their strengths and resources so they can self-correct.  When the issues revolve around the relationship between the parent(s) and the child(ren), we often have to discuss their parenting skills and philosophy.

Parenting philosophy?  Who ever sits down and thinks through what their philosophy of parenting is going to be?  We just kind of "do" parenting, right?  With few exceptions, people mostly learn how to be a parent because of their "starter kid" (kid #1).  We go to birthing classes to make sure we can survive the trauma of childbirth, but no parent comes through the process of child-rearing unchanged. 

So, most families I work with have never considered their parenting philosophy.  Particularly, the model used for discipline in a family is usually either 1) I know how I was raised and it seemed to work pretty well OR 2) I will never do (insert parenting action) to my child!  Either way, the main approach to parenting seems to be reactionary rather than proactive.

Now, I know that the dictionary definitions will list the following words as synonyms, but I believe that they have distinct connotations (that is, we have other thoughts and feelings that are attached to our usage of these words beyond what the dictionary says).  The words are: Discipline, Correction and Punishment.  I often hear people use the words interchangeably, as having the same, or similar meanings.  This is because their usage reflects their mentality about their parenting philosophy, ie it is reactionary.  It means, I primarily respond to how my children are feelings and behaving rather than being proactive and teaching them how to behave and feel. 

Here is the distinction I make between those concepts:
Discipline: Comes from the Latin root discere, which means to learn (we get the word discern from it) and from the Latin word disciplus, which means pupil. So, someone who disciplines (the parent) is someone who teaches.  This word, properly used, then should have a positive connotation.  Teaching and learning are associated with growth and development and strength.
Correction: This concept has to do with setting thing right (also from the Latin, corrigere, from which we also get the word corrigible: the ability of something to be changed, reformed or improved).  From a systems perspective, it can mean "to reverse a trend or pattern".  Again, this has a very positive connotation.  Making things right is empowering.
Punishment: This is the act of inflicting penalty on someone who has done something wrong; to treat roughly, to injure or hurt, to cause a loss of freedom or money or to provide physical pain for wrongdoing.  This clearly carries with it negative thoughts and feelings.  Inflict, withhold, deny, punish, penalize... all words that indicate that one would want to avoid what is connected with them.

So part of a healthy philosophy of parenting (in my experience) would be: Children deserve to be disciplined and corrected.  Children do not deserve to be punished.  If it is true that children are in the process of being formed and developed and growing, then naturally, they deserve to be taught how to feel and behave and corrected, or set on the right path, when they deviate. 

Discipline, then, is a long process that evolves to meet the changing needs of a developing child.  A parent who disciplines a child is a parent who teaches a child how to manage their emotions and control their behaviors.  When a child grows with that sort of teaching and guidance, the child should naturally develop a confidence in his/her own ability to self regulate those emotions and behaviors and very little correction should be necessary.

Why is it then, that the topic of discipline and correction of children such a challenge for parents?  Here are some possible answers:
1) Parents have inadequate coping skills for their own anxiety and thus are hindered in their ability to help their children cope with theirs.
2) Some children have experienced traumas which makes understanding rules and expectations challenging.
3) Many parents have inaccurate knowledge of how children grow and develop so they respond inappropriately to their children, based on their stage of development.
4) A common mindset for parents is that discipline = punishment and so they end up RESPONDING to inappropriate behavior, but never teaching and guiding to right behavior.
5) Humans learn by observation and some parents end up teaching their children, by their own behavior, how to cope with emotions and relationships in unhealthy ways, and then blame their children for not knowing better.

There are probably more reasons, based on specific circumstances, but that is sufficient to prove my point about how most parents don't ever stop to consider *how* they do their parenting.  We take it for granted that we will be in relationship with our kids because, well, they are our children.  So we tend to ignore the skill and maintenance that goes into regular relationships.  Skills like; spending quality time together, building trust, fostering communication, caring for the other...

I could go on and on, but the point I wanted to make with this post is this: "Children deserve to be disciplined (taught and guided in what is right) and corrected (set straight when they make poor choices).  Children do not deserve to be punished."

-jeff

Practicing what I preach... further thoughts

Okay, so my last blog post was Friday and I enjoyed the experiencing of processing my thoughts and feelings and coming to a good conclusion. Apparently, I was resting on my laurels too soon.

Monday morning rolls around and it turns out that my rededication to shoring up my paperwork weakness was short-lived. Despite my best efforts to make sure all my paperwork was up-to-date (I even stayed late on Friday to accomplish it!), I somehow failed to note that my end-of-month billing was due by 8AM on Monday.

Monday+end of month billing+audit+Murphy's Law = bad day. At about 9 am, my phone started ringing. My supervisor... wanting to know when I planned on getting my billing turned in. I had to rearrange my entire morning, drop two clients and reschedule two others, go back to the office and knock out the billing. Fortunately, because all my files were in order because of last week, it didn't take very long. But... you guessed it... because I missed the 8AM deadline, another write up for my HR file.

I found myself feeling and behaving much the same as on Friday, when I was confronted with a similar 'deadline' that I missed. I was a little angry, I found myself doing the justifying self-talk. My supervisor behaved exactly as I expected... just a reminder that my billing was late and that I had another disciplinary sheet to acknowledge when I turned it in. When I interacted with my supervisor, I was short, abrupt and with none of my normal pleasant demeanor. I didn't want to be lectured and I didn't want to be forced to offer up a wimpy excuse for my billing (also, I didn't have one). To be blunt: I was rude.

So, if someone is having a bad day (whether it is of his own making or not)... do they have a right to be ugly to others? Should they be given a pass because of their circumstances?

Looking back on my conclusions Friday, I reaffirm, being responsible for one's own feelings and behaviors is TOUGH. It is harder than I expected even. I felt good about myself that I was able to do it, even if I didn't do it very well. But I think something is missing. Even though I was processing some difficult emotions, even though, I was able to let go of my anger and blame, even though I was a little embarrassed ... I still damaged my relationship with my supervisor by my behavior. I can be completely out of the box toward her (Arbinger language) yet ignoring that I need to repair and reconnect.

It reminds me of the following story: There once was a boy who got angry very easily. Often, when he lost his temper, he would say, shout or scream things that were very hurtful. In an effort to help him learn some skill in regulating his anger, his grandfather, who he loved very much, instructed him to take a hammer and nails and pound a nail in the back fence each time he lost his temper. The first day, the boy went through almost an entire bag of nails. Over time, he learned that it was easier to cool down before reacting than it was to go and get a nail and pound it into the fence and he learned some skill in keeping an even temper. Finally, after a time of demonstrating his emotional skill, his grandfather instructed him to pull a nail out of the fence each day he went without losing his temper. After a while, the boy had removed all the nails he'd pounded into the fence. He told his grandfather about it and took him outside to show him. His grandfather pointed out, "Now, look at the fence. Even though you have removed all the nails, the damage to the fence remains. So it is with our anger. Words spoken in anger, leave scars. They will change your relationships.

Now, I don't believe that is the end of the story for me, but I think it highlights the tendency of most people: Once we've stopped the behavior, we expect that things will just be normal. We fail to follow through with what needs to be done to make things right again. So... the component that I was missing in my conclusions was: Ask myself what I need to do in order to make things right again.

There is a shortage of that line of thinking in this world. Again... I teach this stuff to other people! I should be able to apply it to myself, right? Argh! This relationship stuff is harder than it looks.

Full circle... let's make a spiritual application! God does the hard work of maintaining relationship with us. If ever there is distance between us, it is sure to be of our own doing, as God is constantly working to draw us near to Him. And far from wanting to destroy us, hurt us or punish us, God offers grace, mercy and forgiveness. And more than just putting it in the past, God renews and restores! Revelation 21:5a, "He who was seated on the throne said, 'I am making everything new!'" What can I do, but follow His example?

-jeff

Practicing what I preach

Okay, full disclosure here... I am a work in progress. I do not feel like I often get to the point that I actually have to use the tools that I advocate in my therapy practice. I would like to think that I am self-aware and practicing enough discipline in my everyday life that I hardly ever get to the point that I enter the blame-game and the justification for anger cycle. But I did this last week. Here's what happened.

The company I work for holds a contract with the State of Texas to provide crisis counseling for at-risk youth and their families. Because it is a state contract, the company is required to undergo an annual audit to make certain that the contract is being carried out. Our audit starts next week. This year, I resolved to recognize that anxiety, like so much other stuff, flows downhill and that I would decline any invitation to be as anxious as the administrators about the audit. I would just keep doing my job the way I do my job and let them worry about whether the i's are dotted and t's are crossed.

The past few weeks, my email inbox has been busting at the seams with emails about meeting our numbers, documenting our work and efforts to meet with Youth and Primary Caregivers. "Best Practice" dictates that we should complete paperwork in a timely manner and with the looming audit, that has meant increased scrutiny on our files. I can be quite honest about my attitude toward paperwork: I hate it. (Therapist Jeff says: Jeff's feelings about paperwork reflect his insecurity with his own efforts. Because he projects self-confidence, his lackadaisical performance in keeping up with his paperwork reflects his fear that people will see him for his true self: lazy and lacking internal motivation concerning small details) Yes, I hate paperwork. I justify my hatred of paperwork with a complex series of arguments about small minded bureaucrats who developed the guidelines for our program without any insight to what the actual job entails. Anyhow, the short story is that I have my own timeframe for getting my paperwork finished that does not always match up with deadlines that I have been given.

I feel that because it has been previously established in supervisory sessions with the people who are in charge of my program, that this should be taken into account when evaluating my efforts. Read: it has caused problems before. Truth is, my supervisors have all been reasonably flexible in allowing me leeway with my paperwork deadlines. However, with the added anxiety and desire to present the best possible filing for the auditors, the grace extended to me regarding my timeliness vanished. And that is what it has always been: grace. Now, understand, I am a good worker. I believe the outcome of my efforts readily reflect that I am a great therapist and gifted clinician. I get my work done, and I do make most of my deadlines, but paperwork and time management continue to be growth areas for me.

I was up at the office late on Thursday making sure all my paperwork was done, all my files were in compliance. I looked over the bevy of emails regarding requests from my supervisor and, confident that I answered them all, I stumbled off to bed to get a few hours sleep before I got up to do it all over again. Friday morning, I attended several meetings and then prepared to go meet with some more of my families, I stopped off at my supervisor's office to show off at how caught up I was on all my paperwork. "What about those extra notes I'd asked about on your closed files? The ones the auditors requested...?" D'OH! I'd somehow overlooked those! Despite the fact I was on my way out the door to a school to meet with a family, I promised I'd get them done immediately.

I rushed back to my desk and banged out the four notes. Now, my files were not incomplete or in bad shape. The notes were simply to assist the auditors and invite them to not scrutinize the file and nit-pick it. It took me about 25 minutes to update the files and I carried them back to my supervisor, feeling good that I was being a team player and done my best to be helpful. My supervisor thanked me for my efforts and then handed me a note to sign. It was a written notice that I'd been given a verbal warning due to not having those extra notes by 11:00 AM. It would go in my HR record. It had been emailed to the program director.

Suddenly, my feelings of helpful pride shifted to seething anger that I was being reprimanded for missing a deadline by an hour and a half. In my mind, my self-talk went something like this: "Why? I know that I missed the deadline, but it was an arbitrary one made up for this occasion... it is not like there were dire consequences... This doesn't have to be done, I'm being singled out for this... It is unfair... It is mean spirited... I would have handled this totally differently if I were the supervisor... this is how you go about ruining morale... I'm being set up to fail..." and on and on in this fashion.

For several long minutes, I stared at the paper, weighing whether to make a big scene about it or suck it up, sign it and let it go. The minutes stretched out and I knew that my silence and inaction were communicating to my supervisor that I was struggling about how to respond. I knew that anything I said would sound defensive and self-justifying. I knew that my supervisor had the technical truth to support the reprimand. I had a choice to make.

Now, I want to point out that this whole thought process took several minutes. I stood there like a idiot while I literally thought all this through and came to my decision point. I surrendered the thought that my supervisor was responsible for my anger. I swallowed the blame I wanted to level and let go of the self-justifying arguments that popped up in my head. I signed the form and left the office.

I decided to not be angry. It was harder than I thought it would be! I kept wanting to step back in my anger box and allow it to dictate the rest of my day. But the more I thought about it, the more I clung to the notion that if I teach others this stuff about being responsible for one's own emotions and behavior, then I better be able to back it up with my own experience.

Was my supervisor wrong to reprimand me? Technically, no. Subjectively? Maybe. It is possible to do the right thing but to go about it in a way that invites defensiveness. Was it within my supervisor's power to let it go and to not document the incident? Yes, but that is not the point. Truth is, by not being more proactive with my own behavior and attitude toward the paperwork, I was inviting my supervisor to see me as lazy with my paperwork. Doing my part to help out with the audit was all well and good, but really has very little to do with my own previous behavior. It is just a handy self-justifying argument I tucked away to allow me to blame someone else for my angry feelings.

My point in posting this is not to gain sympathy or even admiration for my self-analysis. I wanted to point out that handling one's own emotions can be difficult. If I had entered into a blame cycle, who knows where it would have ended up? I can guess at some outcomes: I might have decided that being a team player wasn't worth it if I was going to be treated so badly. I might have started subtly sabotaging efforts to meet our numbers or do things that would put my supervisor in a bad position. I might have subtly started undercutting the management by my own way of being toward the company. I might let bitterness suck the joy out of the job I love.... etc. The end result is that I would also have diminished myself in the process. That is not the person I wish to be, or become.

This experience is another reminder that grace is an amazing gift. I'm thankful that God invites us into His kingdom, where we experience no accusations or blame or guilt, despite our continued deservedness. Over and over, God invites us to be better, accept His perfection and clothe ourselves with it. God's redemption of my broken, sinful heart is not a one-time event, but a continual process whereby I (hopefully) become more like Him each cycle. This time, I hope that I've picked up some pointers about being gracious... not only to myself, but to those that I feel have wronged me (whether they actually have wronged me or not). God is gracious. Thank God.

-jeff

Socratic Method in Parenting? Helping children develop good decision making.

Hello, readers.

I've had some thoughts mulling recently that I would like to share and about which I'd like some feedback.

It has been my experience that many parents under-utilize the power of questions in helping their child to make good decisions. What I mean by that is parents tend to do a lot more 'telling-their-child-how-to-behave' rather than helping them choose that behavior. Now, I don't know about you, but in general, doing something because I'm told to do it invites resistance on my part. In contrast, if I come to the conclusion of my own accord to behave a certain way, I am more likely to get to that behavior AND I'm more likely to have a better attitude about it.

In one of the parenting classes I teach, we talk about using short, directive statements that detail what action or behavior is desired. For instance, "I need you to pick up all the dirty clothes and put them in the clothes hamper" is more helpful to a kid than having a parent complain, "Goodness gracious! Your room is a pigsty! Why can't you keep things clean?!?" The former is non-blaming and contains direction whereas the latter is vague and invites comparison to a pig and recrimination as well . I understand that in many cases, a parent might say to me, concerning my example, "Jeff, we tried the first statement a hundred times before we got so frustrated that you are now hearing us say the second!" I get that. We have our days at the Emery household as well. However, the idea that I've bouncing around in my head is a complementary approach. I don't think it will or should replace positive, directive statements, but I think it has some helpful implications.

At some point, as parents, we become confident that our child(ren) know what needs to be done, or what behavior is expected, at any given point in time. For instance, I have confidence that my children know how to behave, but they lack the mental capacity to choose well when under stress (then again, we all do... on occasion).
So, if I have confidence that my child *knows* the right thing to do, then it doesn't make a whole lot of sense for me to tell her again, when I observe her choosing a poor behavior. What I mean to say is that the problem is not a lack of knowledge, it is an underdeveloped process of choosing, or decision making. So, as a parent, I need to learn a better way to help my children develop their decision making skills in a way that invites them to choose the better way.

Now, I need to digress for a moment to point out that it is possible to do the right thing the wrong way and thus muck it up. For instance, you can do things with sarcasm or with disdain or resentment that ruins the whole gesture. Let's say that I'm arguing with my wife and after a time, I can tell that neither of us is gaining any ground, so I apologize just to end the argument. "Fine, I'm sorry, okay? Whatever." See, now, I said the words... but my behavior, tone and attitude conveyed a different message. Not only was I not sorry when I said it, but I also left my partner feeling devalued as well.

So, as I explain the benefits of using questions to help develop good decision making in children, keep in mind that when our hearts are hurt... when we are embittered, angry or frustrated... this technique has the potential to backfire. Our frame of mind when using questions to help our children make good decisions needs to be free of trying to blame them or make them feel stupid for not seeing the 'obvious' answer. It needs to be a sincere effort to help them learn and grow and out of love for the individual. If your child can see your way of being toward them at that moment, it will help them be receptive to the teaching.

So, here is a conversation I had with my youngest daughter a while ago where I wanted her to choose the right thing instead of me forcing her to accept what I knew to be the right thing. Editorial comments are in parentheses.

Setup: Our heater was out over a weekend and we were using space heaters in the living room to keep warm. Eleanor was curled up on the couch and vocally complaining of being cold, so she asked if she could go change clothes. Amelia agreed and Ele left the room for a bit. When she returned, she was wearing a thin nightgown (pink and princess-y of course) which offered even less in the way of warmth than what she had been wearing. Amelia protested and told Ele to go put on long sleeves and pants. Ele threw a fit, claiming the nightgown was warmer. Am instructed Ele to go change and Ele just escalated the crying. I followed Ele to her room to help her process why she was misbehaving.

Me: Ele, why are you fussing?
Ele: (crying) Because I want to wear this dress and Mommy won't let me!
Me: I understand that you want to wear the nightgown, but you were complaining about being cold.
Ele: This is warm! Really!
Me: (pointing to the clothes in the floor next to her) I know mommy just wants to help you be warmer and I think that those clothes will do a better job.
Ele: No they won't! Please, just let me wear this!
Me: Ele, tell me, how is your behavior right now?
Ele: Bad....
Me: Well, Mommy has told you to change your clothes into pants and a long sleeve shirt. Are you doing what Mommy told you to do?
Ele: But, Daddy...
Me: Ele, answer me. Are you doing what Mommy told you to?
Ele: No...
Me: What is the right thing to do right now?
(This is the important question for her. Give her the opportunity to make the decision. I could just yell at her and make her do what she'd been told to do, but I think the investment in helping her make the decision for herself will pay off down the road)
Ele: I don't know!
Me: You don't know what the right thing to do is?
Ele: (pitifully) no...
Me: Okay, well, I have some stuff to do in the kitchen and I'll check back with you in a few minutes. In the meantime, why don't you sit on your bed and come up with something that might work for you right now.
(I left her for about five minutes and then came back)
Me: Ele, are you ready to talk? Did you think about the right thing to do?
Ele: Daddy, I really just want to wear my princess dress!
Me: I understand that, baby. I am sure that later, when it is bedtime, you can put that on. What do you need to wear right now?
Ele: (dithering) oh...those clothes (pointing at the jeans and shirt)... But I don't want to!
(At this point, the question was no longer about warmth, it was about obedience, so I made that overt)
Me: Eleanor, it seems like you are having a hard time being obedient. Being obedient means that even if you don't agree, you obey, or listen to, what Mommy and Daddy tell you to do. I understand what you want to do right now, but what is the right thing to do if you are going to be obedient?
Ele: I don't know!
Me: (getting frustrated) I just told you. You don't have to agree with Mommy, but you do need to obey her when she tells you to do something. Now, what is the right thing to do in order to be obedient?
Ele: (whining) ooohh...I just don't know.
Me: Well, I don't know either, baby. Why don't you take a few more minutes to think about it...
(I left for about five minutes more and then returned. Variations on this last part of the conversation occurred for the next 15 minutes, with breaks in between. Finally, Ele offered a compromise.)
Me: Well, did you figure out the right thing to do toward Mommy to show her that you are obedient?
Ele: How about if I put on this shirt, too? It is warm.
(This compromise was Ele trying to save face a little. It allowed her to comply with Amelia's directive, but to do it in her own way.)
Me: I think that would be fine. Now, when we are fussy at each other, what else do we need to do once we do what Mommy asked us to do?
Ele: I don't know what you mean.
Me: Well, you disobeyed Mommy and yelled and fussed at her. How do you need to make things right with her?
Ele: I need to tell her I'm sorry.
Me: That is a good start. After you tell her you are sorry, you need to behave in a helpful way so that we don't have go get fussy at each other again, k? I proud that you were able to think about how to be obedient and then you chose to do the right thing. (gives hugs)

Now, consider how this could have gone (and sometimes does!): Amelia and I both fuss/yell at Eleanor for not listening and command her to do as she is told. Ele would likely be resistant and defiant (how do you feel when when someone orders you around?), causing us to escalate things and threaten her with punishment if she doesn't comply. Then it moves from being a warmth issue or even an obedience issue and it becomes a power/control issue. The end result is that parents sometimes end up inviting the very behavior from their kids that they claim to dislike. The opposite is true as well. Sometimes kids tell me that they want their parents to stop yelling so much, but upon investigating their interactions, it becomes clear that the child's behavior invites their parents to yell.

So, why does questioning work better in the long run?
* It invites critical thinking because the child has to process the information, rather than having it force upon them by someone else's will.
* The very nature of it communicates that that person's opinion is valuable and that they are capable of making decisions.
* Done properly, it is empowering and promotes self-confidence.
* It models good development for the child, for later in life, so they can do it for their children
* Over time, it frees the parent from having to micro-manage their children.

I would appreciate feedback on this post. You can reply on my blogger.com page, on my Facebook wall (once this is imported) or send a note to jde95f (at) gmail (dot) com.

-jeff