Year in Review: 2018

Socrates said, "The unexamined life is not worth living" and so chose death over exile.  While I am facing neither, I to appreciate the wisdom in looking back over the past year to examine what happened and think about what I've learned.

I don't really journal (although I would like to be better about journaling...) but I do post regularly on Facebook, so last night, I scanned through my posts from the past year to remind myself of what I was doing, what caught my attention, what I commented on...

So, a quick recap:
Jan: I started the year watching movies (which I did plenty of this year), so apparently spending time with family and friends being entertained is a thing for me.  I posted a lot of inspirational quotes and food for thought throughout the year as well.  Puzzles were a thing for me at the beginning of the year, and they tied into a theme for this year: Mindfulness.  I was investigating the practice and found that the doing of puzzles fit right in with the three principles of Mindfulness: 1) Focused attention on the 2) Present "now", 3) Without judgement.  Finally, I was reminded of my commitment to my self care in 2018, including exercising more regularly.  Overall, a good start to the year!

Feb: This month found me discovering the Chick-Fil-A "One" app wherein I am now conveniently

able to order and pay for more fast food than I need to consume.  Then again, I found a racquetball partner to help me exercise more regularly, so maybe there is some balance here.  Feb is Eleanor's birth month and she prefers experiences over presents (slightly), and so we committed to taking her to a concert in March to see her favorite boy band, Why Don't We, in Austin with her bestie, Sydney.  This birthday (13) marks a milestone... I have no children... only teenagers!  Being self-employed means that I was able to take time to attend the promotion ceremony for my good friend, Jay Hudson, who was ranking up from Captain to Major in the Army.  Finally, at the end of the month, I was able to attend my annual professional conference: TAMFT and get CEUs as I familiarized myself with the work that Esther Perel does on intimacy and relationships.  It was an amazing conference and I felt like I learned quite a lot.

March: The theme of Mindfulness showed up again in my March activities, being more 'present' and considering myself as much as I considered others.  My niece, Stephanie Frerot, came to visit Mom over Spring Break and I enjoyed reconnecting with Julie's family, whom I don't get to see often due to their living overseas.  Amelia and I took Ele and Sydney to the promised birthday concert in Austin and it was an interesting adventure and a good time.  Finally, I discovered moustache wax! 

April: I was honored to be invited to present a training in Mindfulness with Play Therapy at HSU.  I had the unfortunate experience of having to pay more in taxes this year than I had overpaid, so rather than getting a refund, I had to pay more in taxes than I've ever had to before now.  Which, I suppose means that I was more successful than I'd been in previous years, so I'll take that into consideration.  Oh, SNAP!  The long awaited Avengers: Infinity War was probably the highlight of the month.

May: Mary Hannah turned 17 this month, inching closer to adulthood and reminding me why there is so much gray in my beard.  Speaking of my body getting more decrepit, I had a molar pulled, allowing me to utilize all of my anxiety regulation tools at my disposal.  Finally, I took a step forward in my professional life and began the process of becoming a licensed Supervisor for Marriage and Family Therapists!

June: Summertime!  We got to share Cloudcroft and the family cabins with our Youth Group from Minter.  This is a special place for us and we got to enjoy it and share the experience.  I participated in my 4th year with Camp Courage, an organization that helps kids grieving loss in their lives due to death, divorce, deployment or incarceration.  Always a great experience to facilitate healing with them.  In my most obvious nod to my Mindfulness/Self-Care focus, I accompanied an amazing group of ACU folk to Colorado and went white water rafting and climbed a 14er (Mt. Missouri).  It was a memorable trip and my second time to go mountain climbing (the first was right after MH was born, 17 years ago!).  This was probably my favorite month, filled with time with family, friends and rejuvenation.

July: Eleanor was able to attend a month long ballet intensive sponsored by Joffrey Ballet at UT in Austin.  We took several trips to Austin, dropping her off, visiting and then picking her up at the end of the month.  The 4th of July is a great holiday and we were able to relax a bit and enjoy the neighborhood parade and festivities.  Eryn turned 15 this month and is now standing eye-to-eye with me!  My memorable movie for the month was the Mr. Rogers biopic, "Won't you be my neighbor" and was easily my favorite movie of the year.

August: Am's birthday (and Sherly's).  It feels like hitting our 40's meant less emphasis on celebrating, but we managed to go on a date to celebrate.  August was a month of recovering from a very busy summer (and an expensive one) and focusing on getting ready for back to school time, which happened this month as well.  Among the notable quotes I posted this year on FB, my favorite for the year was, "You will never look into the eyes of someone whom God does not love."

September: My favorite video from the year found its way onto my FB timeline: Scottish Grandmother reads The Wonky Donkey.  Makes me lol every time: CLICK HERE.  The other big deal this month was MH's wreck.   She wasn't hurt, just banged up, but the van, our primary vehicle, was totalled and we had to start the hunt for new(er) cars.  Ended up taking out a loan and financing two vehicles, which was depressing financially because we finally had no car payments (since we'd paid off the van the previous December).  C'est la vie.

October: My sister, Emma, sent me a watercolor painting of a penguin.  She'd remembered a brief phone conversation from several months prior and it made my day to get that in the mail.  ACU's homecoming arrived with my friend, Scott Stogsdill, coming to town and I enjoyed hanging with his family and being reminded that this was our 20th anniversary of our 1998 undergraduate experience at ACU.  It was humbling to be reminded of the passage of time and the growth and changes that have occurred in the intervening years... and annoying that I'm *still* paying on my loans.  *sigh*

November: Usually my favorite month of the year because of holidays and my birthday, but after


June, November will have to take 2nd place.  It was a little sad because Eleanor made the decision that this would be her last year to participate in ballet, which we have been involved with since she was very little.  So, this was our last time to do the annual Nutcracker event with the ballet studio.  My birthday usually falls on Nutcracker weekend, which is bonkers busy, and so it has been overshadowed for years and this year was no exception, but I still managed to turn 42.  I got to take MH on a college visit to Angelo State University and marvel at the amazing young woman she is becoming.  Thanksgiving was small and brief this year because the BIG event in November was the wedding of my niece, Kaetlyn to her beau, Joshua.  It was the Sunday after Thanksgiving and they'd asked me to officiate!  So, our family grew a bit and I got to visit with most of my sisters and my Dad and his family during the weekend.

December: The one thing I did get for my birthday was a gift certificate from Amelia for a "float" session at a local spa in an Epsom Salt bath in a sensory deprivation tank .  I found time to schedule it and it turned out to be an amazing experience!  I am certain it will be a part of my self-care regimen in the coming year.  Cookiefest continues to be a great family tradition and this year was great. 

So, that is a brief (really!) recap of the my year... how did I grow?  What did I learn?  I feel like this year has been one where I have been more at peace through being mindful of my experiences and remaining 'present' during them.  Mindfulness has been a wonderful addition to my therapy practice and my personal practices.  I grew in my own sense of self and finding better balance in how I attend to others in my life and how I attend to my own needs.  I learned to be more open to new experiences and I'm excited for 2019 and some of the plans that are hopefully going to grow to fruition as I navigate what God has planned for me.

So, if you've read this far, I assume that you are 1) bored, 2) oddly interested in my year, and/or 3) family, friend or fan.  At any rate, thanks for taking the time to read the ramblings and I wish you peace and prosperity in the new year.  May God richly bless you.

-Jeff

WFG?

My mom says she doesn't remember this story, but I do*.

When I was about 12 or 13, we were living in Lubbock and I was just entering the youth group at our church.  I'd spent my whole life being a middle child, which often meant that if the older kids got to do something cool, I was one of the younger ones.  If the younger ones got to be spoiled a bit, I was counted as among the older three... at least it felt that way to me.  So, entering the Jr. High youth group meant that I could participate in youth events that my older sisters couldn't do (being high schoolers) and that my younger sisters weren't old enough for!  Yay!

One Sunday afternoon, a spontaneous youth event was forming for the Jr. High kids: a group trip to the dollar movies.  This was in the early 90's when dollar movies only cost.... $1!  and a $5 bill could get you into the show with coke and popcorn and maybe even a candy.  As soon as the evening worship services concluded, I raced from the area where the youth were sitting to find my mom and beg her to let me go.  I'd already arranged a ride to the theater and a ride home afterward.  All I needed was permission... and some money.

I found mom and pestered her until I had her attention and started to plead my case.  "Please, mom..."  I explained the logistics and waited for her response.  That is when I noticed the look on her face.  Now that I'm a parent, I understand much better what may have been going through her mind.  I am now in the phase of life where my role as parent is mostly an ATM and Taxi driver.  If I'm not working or doing something for upkeep at the house, I'm probably dropping off, picking up, resupplying, shuttling and checking on my teens and their activities and social lives.  It can be exhausting.  Thinking back, I remember that look on mama's face.  It started off as a "no" but quickly softened to a mental sigh and then a resigned, "ok, fine".  All in the span of a second.
Mom opened her purse and pulled out a billfold.  She bypassed the empty compartment where paper bills briefly resided every payday.  Tucked back behind medical cards and other wallet debris, she pulled out a carefully folded $5 bill.
I somehow knew in that moment that I shouldn't have asked.  That $5 bill represented money that she'd set aside for sometime when she wanted to grab lunch out instead of taking a bag lunch.  It may have been a 'rainy day' fund for when she wanted to splurge on a well deserved treat that moms don't want to share with greedy offspring.  Whatever it was intended for, she was about to re-purpose it.  "Here, Jeff."  she offered me the bill.
I backpedaled.  "Oh, mom.  It's okay.  I don't need to go to the movies.  I can go next time."
"Jeff, take it."
"Mom, really, you keep it.  I'll hang out with some other friends."
"Jeff..."
I continued to protest until she moved in close and stared at me, hard.  "Jeffrey!" she said, commandingly.  I looked into her softening face and she said, "Part of grace is letting people be gracious to you.  Take the money and go have a good time."

I have had several of my therapy clients this week express their difficulty in allowing others to help them, or even asking for help when they obviously are in need of some kindness.  There seems to be a feeling of positivity that we attach to helping others that is only matched by the weird shame we seem to attach to needing help.  We somehow create a false dichotomy with this idea that some people are helpers and others are the ones who need help when in truth, we are both.

What we somehow fail to realize is that in order for there to be opportunity for ME to help another person, there needs to be another person who is willing to ask for and accept my help.  It is a curious thing to note that when we place a positive judgement on ourselves when we help others (and rightly so, as it is a good thing to help others) we also manage to place a negative judgement on whomever is the help-ee.  We weirdly manage to tie our self-worth into being in a position to help while somehow needing to avoid being in need of help.  Silly humans.

In summing up her own narrative of learning to accept help, a client managed to say in three words what has taken me 15 minutes to type out.  She finally accepted the help offered to her by a friend by simply asking herself, "Why fight grace?"

Why fight grace?

Good question.

And now, as you have need, may you position yourself to receive what those who love you so desperately want to offer: Grace.  Help.  Kindness.  Relief.  And may you know in that moment that God is loving you through these people.

Always happy to help
-Jeff

*my recollection of this event may have been embellished for storytelling purposes. :)

Everyday Miracles

It has been a while since I blogged.  Let me catch you up.  Since July, I have completed my (additional) licensure hours and been granted full LMFT status by the state!  Yay.  Also, the company I was working for renewed their contract with the state, but it included some changes that were not optimal for my situation, so I made the transition to full time private practice (www.texasfamilyinstitute.org).  So, the past few months have been busy for me. 

The family has been busy, too!  The kids are all back in school and prospering.  Amelia is also back in school and juggling all of her roles: wife, mom, student, employee, volunteer.  So we are keeping busy.  One area that has kept all of us busy in the last week or two has been a fundraiser for our D.A.D. (Diabetic Alert Dog).  Some of our beloved church family intiated this event on our behalf and I think the original intent was to just have a garage sale and gift the proceeds toward our fundraising efforts.  The reality of it turned into a more detailed level of involvement on our part.

You see, garage sales are a lot of work.  As it turns out, fundraising garage sales are an order of magnitude more work.  The call went out for donations for the garage sale and, boy, was it answered.  Of course, this necessitated picking up some donations.  Then more sale items were offered and more were dropped off and more were picked up and the next thing we knew, it was a week away and we had not one, but TWO garages (ours and my in-laws') full to overflowing of items.  It was a mixed blessing, because of course, we needed items to sell, but the more we received, the more work it was to store, organize, and price them before the sale.  Of the items, Amelia said, "We got a lot of items you'd expect to find a garage sale, but we also got a lot of really nice items." 

With the date of the sale looming, we were a little discouraged at the amount of work required and our available time and energy.  Then our friends and families rallied and stepped up and we spent hours alongside some wonderful people who helped us prepare.  At about 2am on the night before the sale, we put the finishing touches on the signs for the sale and I walked the nearby streets to post them for the next morning.

The day of the sale, we expected some early aggressive garage sale-ers because of the advertising we'd done, but surprisingly, at our start time of 8am, we only had our helpers who had shown up at oh-dark-thirty to help set up.  However, lots of folk came by after we opened for business and we did great business all day long.  At 2pm, we started to allow haggling and sold off a lot of stuff that way and at 4pm, we shut it down. 

Now, I've titled this post: Miracles, but nothing I've written so far sounds particularly miraculous, does it?  The real miracle had been happening all along and I just didn't have eyes to see it until my friend Brian shared some insight with me.  He mentioned that sometimes it seemed like he prayed for miracles and in his mind, he was thinking of something big and supernatural, like when we pray for a cure to a sudden illness and we pray for a specific situation and a specific outcome to our problems.  But what he noticed was that God was blessing us with all the things, all the ingredients, all the relationships necessary for us to receive the financial blessing of the fundraiser.  The love that prompted our church family to initiate the event started years ago.  The loyalty and friendship that drove the donations and support didn't spring up overnight from nothingness.  There was some seemingly random kindness in the process, but when we think about God's mysterious movements in our lives, it is easy to conclude that the miracle of this garage sale has been in the works before we knew we would need it.  God's hard working hands manifested in the muscle requrired to move everything.  God's comforting arms appeared in the guise of hours of help with pricing and organizing items.  Our Father's feet trampled in and about our garages for eight hours on Saturday as people showed up in droves to purchase the offerings.  A miracle, supernatural in its very mundane-ness. 

But God has ever worked this way hasn't he?  I'll never put it past God to use flashy supernatural means, but it seems he likes to work through his people.  God's greatest miracle is relationship.  It has been that way from the beginning.  The pinacle of his creation was mankind, who was formed in God's own image, endowed with the ability to choose.  God initiated a relationship and has spent all of human history chasing his beloved creation and wooing us and invited us to know Him and be known by Him. 

This weekend, despite long hours and hard work, I was blessed to be able to grown in relationship with our church friends who came to help us out.  I met and got to share our situation with neighbors and strangers.  I got to share the joy of our fundraiser's fantastic success with the congregation who loves me and my wife and my children.  Miracles all around. 

And now, may you have eyes to see the blessings God has showered around you.  May you have ears to hear his invitation to get to know him by knowing his church.  May you receive the blessing of relationship with God through His people and come to know how much you are loved.

Family Vacation

The Emery family just returned from a fantastic vacation in the beautiful mountains of New Mexico.  Amelia's family has several cabins in Cloudcroft and we took a 1,350 mile round trip through the southeastern part of NM this week.  We left on Friday, July 6th, which also happened to be our 16th anniversary.  We drove to Carlsbad and made our way to Sitting Bull Falls in the  Lincoln National Forrest.

Then we made our way to the cabins in Cloudcroft, where we helped Nana and Papa clean them out and prepare them for our week's habitation.

 

We made our way out to White Sands National Monument, south of Alamogordo and played in the dunes for a while.  Ele was leaping joy!

 We took advantage of our proximity to several hiking trails, exploring our bit of the mountain with the California Cousins.  This trail was just around the corner in Cloudcroft and took us up to a scenic lookout where we saw the remains of the famous wooden "S Trestle".

 Back at the cabins, Papa put his engineering ingenuity toward repairing/rebuilding the deck on the front cabin.  Everyone pitched in and helped.  By the end of the week, it was 90% finished. :)

 We took a drive up the mountain to the Sunspot observatory.  It is a huge telescope devoted to measuring and observing cosmic events relating to our Sun.  It was way cool!

 On our way back down the mountain, we stopped at a scenic overlook and took in the beauty of the Tularosa Basin.  What a view!

 We enjoyed all sorts of rustic cooking and camping fare, but this treat was wonderful, if a bit sticky: S'mores!  Made with huge-mongous marshmallows.

 We actually got to take two trips out to White Sands, our second was after the California Cousins arrived.  On our second trip, in addition to playing in the dunes, sliding down and drawing in the sand, we also played with "light writing" with my camera.  Below, you can see a stormcloud I drew with a flashlight.

Nene and Nana put up a hummingbird feeder and we had quite a show with several of these marvelous birds fighting for dominance and feeding rights.

 On Thursday, Amelia and I decided to treat the kids and cousin Zach to a horseback trailride.  It was magnificent, fun, and helped us understand what 'saddle sore' means.  It was my first time to do any significant horseback riding and I loved it (maybe as much as Mary Hannah did!)

 We took a second nature hike out to Bridal Veil falls, but were unlucky because part of the trail was closed and we never actually got to see the purported 45 foot falls, although we enjoyed the hike.

 On the way home on Friday, we traveled north to the Three Rivers Petroglyph site and the kids tried to count the reported 21,000 individual glyphs.  I think they only got up to around 500, but it was a commendable effort.

 After that, we drove up to Carizozo and saw the Vally of Fire, where ancient lava vents spewed molten rock up into the basin and created a huge field of what is now cooled lava.  The lava is non-porous and helps sustain a variety of desert wildlife, but is hard on shoes and will shred your footwear if you try to walk on it for long.  Still, it was fun to visit.

 All in all, it was a fantastic vacation where we got to see fun things, have some great experiences and make memories with family.

But the wonderful people pictured above were not the only ones who came on our vacation.  We had an uninvited guest: Diabetes.  I know I have talked about living with Type 1 in our family before, but during our vacation, as much as we tried to just enjoy a normal time, we had to make accommodations for our implacable foe.  On Sunday, Ethan went low in the morning while we were at church in Cloudcroft.  Over the course of the day, he had to check his BG 20 times and was low 17 of them.  We were constantly trying to stuff sugars in him and it got so bad that we almost had to use his glucagon shot.  The nearest medical facility was down the mountain 16 miles away (the trip takes 30-40 minutes because of the steep grade to get down the mountain).  We had to call the emergency pager system from our Pediatric Endocrinology team at OU children's medical center.  They were a big help and at about 4 am on Monday morning, we finally were able to rest and get back to 'normal'.  I remember when we were packing for our trip, a friend who was visiting commented to Amelia when she was packing the first couple bags about getting everything packed up.  Amelia told her that the first few bags were just the medical supplies we have to take.  With two Type 1 Diabetics, we had to have supplies for the entire week, as well as backups for everything.  Extra insulin pods for their pumps, extra Novalog, extra Lantus, extra syringes, extra juice boxes, extra sugar treats, extra alcohol wipes, extra test strips, extra ketone sticks... extra everything.  Enough for two kids for one week.  We don't get a break, even on vacation.  Most of the week, the kids' BG were okay, but everything we did required extra vigilance on our part... hiking?  Check BG before we leave, restock juice and skittles in case we have a low due to more exertion.  White sands?  Great fun, but we have to interrupt every so often and check to make sure we're in range.  I don't know whether it was the extra exertion or the altitude or what factors contributed, but it seemed that the kids were either too high or going low whenever we checked them.  I'm not complaining so much as explaining.  As you can see from the pictures above, we don't let it stop us, but it sure does slow us down.  Cousin Zach was sleeping in our cabin, but on Sunday night, when Ethan was fighting his lows and feeling pretty emotional (due to his BG and the situation), Zach got so freaked out at the scene, he ended up sleeping in another cabin because it scared him to see his cousin Ethan screaming and crying about hating diabetes and not wanting to have to get a shot of glucagon or have to do injections because we took his pump off him while he was going low, to try and bring his BG back up.  I can't help thinking that if we had our D.A.D already, it would have tipped us off to the lows and helped us combat them before they got critical and sent us on a roller-coaster ride of BGs that lasted almost 20 hours.  We continue to hope and pray for a cure so that maybe someday, our family vacation will not include that dastardly diabetes.

-jeff

Rituals

My favorite Christmas gift this year was not found at Best Buy.  Several days before Christmas, I was told that my presence at Nana's house would not be appreciated.  Apparently the kids were hard at work painting and preparing the letters for a present they wanted me to have.  It was a simple block of wood, painted matte black with letters that spelled out a simple message: "I love you... more".  Like most precious gifts, the value to me is not in the price of the wood, or the effort that went into mounting the letters.  Rather, the gift is in the symbolism. 

"More" is the name of a song by Matthew West.  It is part of a ritual I have with my kids.  We often exchange the endearment, "Love you!" when taking leave of each other and it grew into a kind of send off every morning when I drop them off at school:
Me: Bye, kids.  Learn a lot today!  I love you!
Ethan: I love you, too!
MH: I love you, more!
Ele: ... than the sun...
Me: ... and the stars...
MH: ... That I taught how to shine...
Ethan: ... you are mine, and you SHINE for me, too!

and on and on till we've sung out the chorus to each other.  So, this present they made for me is more than just a cute remembrance.  It is evidence to me that I have succeeded in impacting my children with a ritual.  This will be a "my dad used to say this to me all the time" kind of thing for the rest of their lives.  When they hear the song on the radio, they'll think of this connection and know they are loved.

Rituals are important for families.  For some, sitting down to a family meal is a ritual that binds them together.  Vacations, road trips, traditions, they can all be sorts of rituals.  I think of the sacred rituals that connect us at church: the singing, the prayers, the sharing of the Lord's supper.  Our congregation has a ritual where we close each worship service by singing, "Doxology".

Parents, if you don't have some sort of "I love you" ritual with your children, I urge you to develop one.  They help to deepen our children's sense of attachment and belonging to family and are part of a healthy way to build emotional safety in the family.  A child's sense of self-worth and identity are formed, in large part, by the relationships from their family of origin.  I can't think of a better gift that we can bestow upon our children than a deep and long lasting sense of being loved and cared for.  Maybe, it'll mean so much to them, they'll make a plaque to commemorate it. >grin<

-I love you, dear reader... more.

-jeff

C.O.P.s

In our Bible class the other day, we had an interesting discussion about 2 Corinthians 3.  In that chapter, Paul the Apostle is talking about how one goes about getting known by others.  He rhetorically suggests that some sort of 'letter of recommendation' is the worldly standard.  However, those who are in Christ, he asserts, don't need some letter written in ink.  No, those are insincere and easy to fake.  A follower of Christ should have the Spirit of God writing spiritual information on those that we are surrounded by.  In effect, those who know us ARE our living letters of reference for those who do not know us.  And it is not ourselves, but GOD who writes about us on to others' hearts, when we are walking in the spirit.

Wow... what a heady thought.  The passage emphasizes the difference between the outward and the inward.  The written Law vs. the inward changes of the human heart, shaped by God's spirit.  So, as the Bible class was wrapping up, the facilitator mused something to the effect of, "I wonder what it would take for us to really incorporate this type of living.  To be totally infused, taken over, changed by this idea so that every moment of our lives allows us to be that aroma of Christ..."  Immediately, I knew the answer to her question.

There are a few situations in our lives that, ideally, should change how the think, act, and feel about life.  Worldview changing events that usually happen suddenly.  For instance, getting married ought to be one of those events.  Done right, the marriage relationship reshapes how one thinks, acts and feels.  From "I do" onward, every waking moment, every decision will now be filtered through a new filter.  Married persons should throw away the "What is best for me" filter and be prepared to use the "What is best for us" filter from here on out.  That is... until one has children.  Then, the world shifts again.  Or it should, anyhow.

Anyhow, my point is... those events become what I have termed, "Central Organizing Principles".  The fact that a person has become married means that he/she should no longer consider him/herself as an individual, but as a unit.  You don't have to throw away the 'self', but you DO have to incorporate your "other" into your oneness, or things are bound to go wrong.  Every decision made will be made with the new situation in mind.  If a person goes around making decisions based on the old standard of simply 'self'... see how long that organizing principle works for you.

Sometimes, people are blessed/cursed with other life situations that become COPs for them.  Just ask anyone who has ever been in a debilitating accident and lost a limb.  Everyday, they have a physical reminder of what has changed for them.  For my family, we had a COP enter our lives in December of 2004, when my 18 month old son was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes.  Quick recap for those who don't know: Type 1 is different than Type 2.  It is an autoimmune disorder where one's body attacks one's pancreas and basically shuts it down, preventing your body from making the hormone: insulin.  Without daily injections of artificial insulin, a Type 1 diabetic will die within days.

So, our lives began to be shaped by this COP, diabetes.  We don't eat a bite without being aware of how much insulin to give.  We don't leave the house without supplies to manage diabetes: insulin pump, extra syringes, candy for quick sugar boosts, ketone strips, apple juice, etc.  We don't sleep without checking blood sugar levels.  We buy clothing based on what is comfortable to wear over the insulin pump so not too many people will notice it.  We don't go on dates without knowing that someone who is knowledgeable about diabetes will be watching the kids.  Although it isn't real to them just yet, diabetes will eventually have a say in who they choose to marry because it takes a special someone to deal with the added stress and health risks; my oldest daughter, who was also diagnosed with T1 just a few years ago, will also have to worry about whether to have children because of the added complications of her diabetes.  It doesn't go away, but it does fade into the background.  It is normal for us to check blood sugars before we eat... our COP has become normal for us and, thankfully, it is not often that we feel oppressed by it.

But, as I considered the question from my Bible class, it struck me that the Apostle Paul was writing about how Christ should be the COP, the Central Organizing Principle in the lives of those who claim to follow him.  One's decision to follow Christ should be a commitment that is life altering and should permeate every aspect of one's being.  What we eat, what we wear, how we treat others, even how we THINK of others... who we marry, how we do what we do, how we take care of our health... That is why I said earlier that some people are blessed/cursed by other situations that become COPs for them. 

In one line of thinking, it is certainly a curse.  I wouldn't wish diabetes (or any other chronic illness or debilitating accident) on anyone.  However, there is a lot of redemption that goes on for those who are willing to view it as a blessing.  Diabetes has taught my family to be strong in many ways.  Diabetes makes us rely on each other more, look out for each other, be more aware of each other's limits and abilities.  Diabetes has forced us to rely on God's blessings of family and friends, and in doing so, has exposed us to the influence of some amazing people.  As much as I would willingly and immediately throw off the oppressive influence of diabetes as a COP, I am grateful for the effect it has had in drawing us nearer to the heart of God.

My desire is to allow the influence of the Spirit of God to become more of a Central Organizing Principle in my life and in the life of my family.  Unlike diabetes, which forced it's way in... God waits to be invited in.  Once he receives that invitation, he begins to write my life on the hearts of others with whom I am in a relationship.  I hope to expand my portfolio of 'letters of reference' as God's love becomes my central organizing principle.

Double Standards

I experienced an odd juxtaposition of double standards recently.  Strife between parents and their teenage son for a number of reasons.  Firstly, the youth is under 18 and, reportedly has gotten his 21 year old girlfriend pregnant.  Secondly, because the father grounded the youth for stealing weed from the father's stash.  Interesting, no?  Relationship repair is going to be difficult here because of the father's "do as I say, not as I do" policy in parenting.  The other double standard is a societal and legal one.  A law enforcement friend, who knew the details of this case noted: "I don't know whether to advise the parents to pursue sexual assault charges against the 21 year old girlfriend because, frankly, the cops probably won't do anything because it would never go to trial, because he's a boy.  It would be different if a 21 year old guy was having sex with an underage girl."

Double standards. We experience them when we have a sense of unfairness or unjustness occurring.  However, the idea of a double standard is dependent on a sense of equality.  Gender equality, class equality, social equality.  If you asked a peasant in medieval times if he was aware of the double standard placed on his life, to be ever toiling but never benefiting from his work, while the tribute for his work and labor went to a nobleman who never worked or understood his condition, he would likely think you were crazy for even talking that way.  He accepted his lot in life as what it was and didn't quibble about equality.  Add the idea that everyone deserves equal treatment under the law and suddenly, you have to deal with issues like why women can't serve in combat; why mothers are more likely than fathers to gain custody of children in a divorce; the effectiveness of affirmative action, etc.

We often hear the phrase, "Well, life isn't fair..." as a way of taking into account the double standards we experience and can't change or influence.  Because, you know, "you can't always get what you want" and "Sometimes you're the windshield and sometimes you're the bug."  But you know, we all fall victim to double standards when we don't apply the same perspective to ourselves that we do others.  There is an old joke that highlights how we tend to see what is happening to us in a different perspective than we do when the same things happens to another: A recession is when a friend of yours loses his job.  A depression is when you lose yours.

I bring this all up because, as a parent, I believe that I often foster a sense of unfairness in my kids because of how society tends to push this idea of equality to be applied where it doesn't make sense to apply it.  For instance, how many times have you heard an exchange similar to this:
Dad: It is time for you to go to bed.  You need a good night's sleep.
Kid: I don't want to go to bed yet!  My show is still on.
Dad: I don't care, it is time for bed, so get a move on!
(Dad sits down to watch the rest of the show)
Kid: How come you don't have to go to bed?  Don't you need a good night's sleep?
Dad: I'm the adult, don't argue with me, now get to bed!

or how about this one:
Kid: We learned at school today the effects that alcohol have on a body.  They showed us a video of how it impairs your judgement after just one drink.
Parent: Well, I don't drink that much, you know that.
Kid: Well, if it isn't good for you, how come y'all drink every weekend with your friends?  I want to do that, too.
Parent: No, you're not old enough to handle it.
Kid: (sulking) You always tell me that I'm not old enough.  It's not fair.  I'm 16.  My friends are already drinking and nothing bad is happening to them.

Obviously, comparing a child with an adult is not comparing two things that are similar enough.  As adults, it makes sense to us that the comparisons are dissimilar enough that there is no real basis for comparison about a developing child's need for sleep and structure and an adult's ability to manage their own schedule and get adequate sleep, or cope accordingly.  As adults, it makes sense to us a 16 year-old's cognitive reasoning and judgement (which are still developing, until about age25) aren't adequate for handling the effects of alcohol (and even then many adults probably shouldn't drink for various other reasons, but it remains a popular pastime).  However, society is pushing kids to think of themselves as adults, with capabilities and privileges accordingly.  If kids think of themselves as adults, then a lot of their angst makes sense.

I worked with a kid not long ago who described a teacher who sent him to detention because he had a water bottle before school.  Now, I don't know what situation in the past prompted the school to have a rule that kids couldn't have water bottles out in public as they waited for the school day to begin, but they did.  This youth was instructed to put it away.  It had one swallow of water left in it and he drank it before he went to put the bottle in his backpack and the teacher claimed that he defied her and so he spent the rest of the day in ISS.  Could it be that he was rude to her and said something to her that ticked her off?  Sure.  Could it be he was a repeat offender who was just looking for a fight?  Possibly.  Whatever the exact reason, I doubt that this situation was about a water bottle.  It was about power and authority.  The teacher issued a directive.  It was not answered with an acceptable level of cooperation, so she used her power in a punitive way.  If it had been another teacher who was sporting the water bottle, would that teacher be made to follow the 'rule' or be so harshly treated if they failed to comply with another teacher's directive?  Probably not.  Unfair?  Double standard?  Only if teachers and students are equal. 

Anyhow, double standards bother me.  Not because they exist.  I can deal with that.  It bothers me that we tend to deal so poorly with that concept.  I think that the real problem is that people, in general, lack humility.  We lack the ability to look beyond ourselves and assess a situation from other perspectives.  Would our parenting be different if we saw our children as people instead of as pests or trouble makers when they got in trouble?  When they are reacting to what they see as unfairness in our actions or attitudes, instead of working to justify our actions, can we see their perspective and address the situation as someone who understands where they are coming from?  I don't mean we have to agree with them, or cater to them, but if, in humility, we can understand them... would it make a difference in how we respond?

So, to be a better parent, I need to not only respond to my children's sense of unfairness with humility, I need to teach them properly how to discern between unfairness, injustice and just not getting one's own way.  They're not the same, but I hear people, especially teens, use those concepts interchangeably.  I need to model for my children what fairness looks like when they see me interact with others and I need to model how to cope with unfairness when it occurs to me.  Humility is harder than it looks.

-jeff

Switch the ratio

Widely noted for his studies on marital success, Dr. John Gottman has identified what he calls the 'golden ratio' that can help predict the long term stability of relationships. To sum up, he notes that relationships that are stable and have high satisfaction are characterized by a 5:1 ratio. That is, during conflict, for every 1 negative interaction (criticism, invalidation, hostility), there need to be 5 positive interactions (asking questions, showing kindness, affection), just to achieve balance.

I have a hunch that although Gottman's research is directed at marital relationships, there is a lesson to be learned about our relationships in general.  I frequently have the opportunity to visit with parents about parenting issues.  I sometimes ask parents to evaluate the ratio of their interactions with their children, especially during conflict.  When we honestly look at how we react to our children, we frequently find that as parents, we allow our frustration, anger, and annoyance to mar our interactions.  We criticize, put down, subtly invalidate, and otherwise behave in ways that our children interpret negatively.  Consider this scenario:

Kid: Dad, can (best friend) spend the night on Friday?
Dad: I don't think so, sweetie.  We've got a lot going on Saturday and it would mean we had to do a lot of rescheduling.
Kid: (pouting) You *never* let my friends spend the night.
Dad: (feeling disrespected, speaking sarcastically) Oh, right.  You *NEVER* get *ANYTHING* you want to do. 
Kid: (changing tactics) Please, Dad?  I promise we won't stay up too late and I'll be good for the rest of the weekend...
Dad: (not willing to negotiate) What? You think I'm going to change my mind?  How about you be good all weekend and THEN I'll decide whether (best friend) can stay next weekend?
Kid: (resorting to pouting) Ohhhh... that's not fair!  (Sibling) gets to have friends over all the time!
Dad: Quit being such a whiner!  I'm tired of having to tell you over and over that whining doesn't work.

On the surface, it sounds like a pretty typical exchange between a parent and child, right? Dad is sticking to his guns and kid shouldn't be so disrespectful.  Tally up the negative interactions, though.  Sarcasm, rhetorical questions to make his point, invalidation, hyperbole... If we apply the golden ratio, Dad would need to offer about 20 positive bids just to balance out his words.  Now, you may note that the kid in that scenario was inviting Dad to behave that way.  There was probably some past history that led Dad to reach his conclusions.  However, Dad had a choice in his responses and chose to respond the way he did, so even though the kid's behavior wasn't ideal, we need to keep ourselves accountable for our example as parents.  How will we ever expect our kids to learn about healthy relationships unless we are willing to be responsible for our own feelings and behaviors toward our children?

What if we were willing to try an experiment in our homes.  Just for a day or two, whether we have conflictual situations or normal interactions... what if we strove to overload our relationships with positive interactions.  What if we looked for what our kids were doing that was right and good and commented on those things?  What if we overlooked every minor infraction (there are a bunch of those, right?  From being messy to fidgeting when they are supposed to be still) and just let them go without undue attention?  What if we went out of our way to set up situations where we know our kids will do well and then praise the heck out of them?  Here are some things I brainstormed in just a few minutes that my kids did today (and I didn't even get to see them very much today) that I can praise them for:

Mary Hannah: woke up and got dressed with no fussing, packed her own backpack and lunch, encouraged her siblings in the car on the way to school, entertained herself on the computer at poptropica.com (an appropriate and fun website), used earbuds to listen to her music when she was in a room full of other people so she wouldn't bother them with her music.
Ethan: Woke up with little prompting this morning, remembered that it was waffle day and reminded me, didn't argue with Ele when she claimed it was her turn to ride shotgun (it wasn't), played with Timothy without incident, accepted redirection when he got up and didn't want to go back to bed.
Ele: cuddled with me for a few minutes in the morning after she got dressed, greeted me at the door tonight and showed me that she'd cleaned up her room and made her bed without being told, shared space with her brother when they both wanted to sit in the same chair at the same time, cleaned off her plate this morning without being asked.

Now, I could let those incidents go by without comment.  Honestly, most of those things are normal expectations.  I could just wait for them to stop doing something or to mess up and do something wrong and then fuss at them for messing up.  But that happens all too often.  I'd like to spend less time trying to fix what I think is going wrong and more time helping things go right.

I also want to point out that most of those things I listed were accomplishments, something they'd done.  I want to try and praise them for those things, but also (and more importantly), I want to praise my children for who they are, for their character traits which prompt that behavior: initiative, kindness, generosity, helpfulness, affirmation, encouragement, patience, consideration.

I wonder what my household would look like if I changed the ratio?  I wonder if I'd notice that before asking my children to change, I needed to change how I looked at things and handled things.  I wonder if anyone is willing to assess their family functioning and see if their ratio could stand to be adjusted a little more to the positive side.  I'll admit it is challenging.  In fact, outside (and internal) stressors constantly pick away at my ability to accomplish this feat.  Than again, most things that are worthwhile aren't very easy, but they are usually very rewarding. 

Thanks, Dr. Gottman, for doing the research that gives us a goal.  Thanks, parents who challenge me to do better by my own kids. 

re*la*tion*ship - what it really means

There are many ways to define the word, "relationship". To many, the connotation it brings to mind is that of the association between a male and a female, that is to say, a romantic relationship. However, if you stop to think about it, the word 'relationship' is much less emotionally connected that one would suspect. For instance, when my cell phone is sitting on the table, they are in relationship to one another. The function of the table is to keep my phone at an elevation above the floor. The function of the phone is to utilize the table, giving it a purpose other than decoration. See? They have a relationship.

Here is a more workable definition of the word 'relationship': 'Relationship' is a word we use to describe how two or more entities interact and influence each other.

Using this understanding, we can see that the phone and the table are 1) interacting and 2) exert influence on each other. These two concepts are not mutually exclusive. One cannot be in relationship to the other without interacting and each is mutually influencing and being influenced by the other.

I used a mundane example in order to highlight that very concept, so that I could make an application to the idea of human relationships. If it is true that things (people) in relationship, by definition are interacting and influencing... what does that mean for us? Even when we are not communicating, that our non-interaction is actually a form of interaction and that it influences each party in one way or another. By extension, even people who do not directly appear to be interacting, if they are in relationship with even ONE person who is involved with another person, they will be influenced, by proxy. Confused? I hope not. However, this simple concept has some profound implications.

One thought I heard expressed from a divorcing couple: "This is between me and their mother (me and their father), it shouldn't affect the kids." How naive!

A thought I've heard from an individual who'd been dumped, "I don't know why this continues to bother me so much... I thought I'd moved on!" Remember, even non-interaction can be a form of interaction, which exerts influence.

Even professed indifference is actually still affected by and affects us: "I don't care if she likes me or not! I'm her mother and I'm going to do what is best for her!" To say it differently, when you don't think it matters, it does. The degree to which it influences us may vary, but not the fact that it does indeed influence us.

Give it some thought: ask, "How do I interact with (X) and what ways to we influence each other?" It might surprise you to see how interconnected everything is.

A quick internet search about this concept provides this link with a great real-world example of an unhealthy dynamic in relationships: collusion. The author of the blog deals with it really well, though. Click HERE to visit Collusion: What's Your Payoff? on thestepmomstoolbox.com

-jeff

100th Post! Parenting

As I logged in to type up this blog, I noticed that it would be #100. So... Woo Hoo! Kinda neat, eh? Now back to the good stuff...

I've been getting ready to present a short seminar on Co-parenting after divorce and I ran across some interesting resources on the net. The most useful one was this site: The Parent Coach Plan. It had good information and some great free resources.

I've been working with a program at a non-profit company that does preventative and crisis intervention counseling with at-risk families for about a year now and I've experienced all sorts of interesting family configurations. It seems like the "traditional family" of Dad, Mom, 2.5 kids and a dog is not only rare nowadays, but is virtually non-existent. More often, I'm working with grandparents raising grandkids, single moms or dads with or without stepkids, a sister who raised her half and step siblings and then found out that she had another brother in foster care who she found and adopted and is raising all while she is trying to start a career, military blended families who are not only dealing with family issues but reverse culture shock as they come back to their home country... 'family' is a very loose term for the people with whom you are in close relationship. Anyhow, I'm processing lots of great information about parents leading me to ask some questions like:

How does one learn to be a good parent? It is not like kids come with a manual, and we all know the jokes about how there is no licensing test to be able to have kids (although there is one to have foster kids...) We pick up from our parents either lessons on how to be a loving, caring parent or lessons on what *we will NEVER do to our own kids*, am I right? :) Sometimes our best examples of parenting aren't found in our own families of origin, but in others that we perceive to 'have it all together'. I'm sure that culture influences us to some extent as well.

What does a good parent look like? What qualities do we strive for as parents? Patience is a key virtue here as well as consistency. Listening skills are important as are general communication skills: say what you mean, be brief, be clear. The ability to create and foster safety and security for our children is important.

Anyhow, one of the resources on the aforementioned website follows this paragraph. I thought it was an interesting exercise and I encourage any parents that read this to fill in the blanks and discover what they can about their own parenting proficiency. Enjoy!

(seeing as I have three children, I'll focus on just my oldest, for brevity's sake)

I AM A ___________________ PARENT.

I am a great parent. I really believe this and don't doubt it. Well, hardly ever. I recognize that there are times when I make decisions that are selfish or self serving, but so far, they have been of little consequence. I feel that I generally try to do the best I can for my children and I feel good about my efforts.

I NEED TO BECOME A MORE ___________PARENT.

I need to become a more present parent. I feel like I don't get to spend enough time with my family. At this point in my career, I'm working many long hours (hey, it is almost 2am now!) trying to get to a point where I don't have to work so hard... pause for irony... Anyhow, I feel that sometimes I've been under pressure (real or imagined) to take on too much responsibility and I miss my family and I know they miss me.

MY CHILD THINKS I AM A ______________PARENT.

My child thinks I am a loving parent. Not a day goes by that I don't tell my children how loved they are, by me, by mommy, by God. We have some rituals about telling and showing our love for each other including singing, hugging and kissing regularly.

I WISH MY CHILD WOULD STOP ________________.

I wish my child would stop ... I can't think of anything at the moment. All of the minor annoyances, small disobediences, grumpy mornings... in the grand scheme of things, they don't matter very much and I'm certain they will pass with time as she grows and develops. Even the emotional growing pains that she is undergoing are a marvel to watch and learn from her reactions and feelings about the situation.

I WISH MY CHILD WOULD START ______________.

I wish my child would start being more aware of her influence and how she is influenced by others. It won't bother me if she isn't a 'leader' per se, but I want her to be comfortable with herself and her own decisions to the point that she doesn't feel the pressure to follow the rash decisions of her peers.

I HOPE MY CHILD NEVER _________________.

I hope my child never stops growing or learning. If I can help her be a life long learner... about her environment, about her spirituality, about herself, I think I will have done a good job as a parent.

I NEED TO GIVE MY CHILD MORE _____________.

I need to give my child more love. I believe that she spells it: T-I-M-E.

MY CHILD'S BEHAVIOR WOULD BE BETTER IF _____________.

... if she were to take more ownership for her feelings, but I'd put her in the top 90% of kids her age in her ability to manage her emotions.

MY CHILD'S FRIENDS ARE _________________________.

My child's friends are remarkable. I believe that, as parents, we have cultivated relationships with families who are also remarkable in their values and devotion to God and each other. Modeling good friendships in the parent's lives is important for our children to see. I feel that my child has chosen her friends well and really enjoys those relationships.

MY CHILD MAKES ME PROUD WHEN _________________.

I am proud of my child when she shows good judgment, when she chooses kindness, when she displays a gentleness of spirit, when she uses her wit to make me laugh, when she picks the right thing over the easy thing... I could go on for a long time with this answer...

MY CHILD DISAPPOINTS ME WHEN ___________________.

Really, my biggest disappointments with my child are when my expectations are out of proportion with her development. Meaning that my disappointment with her is usually born from my own failings, not hers.

MY CHILD'S MOOD IS TYPICALLY _____________________.

Cheerful and curious.

MY CHILD'S BEHAVIOR IS TYPICALLY ________________.

Playful and exuberant.

MY CHILD LIKES TO _______________________________.

learn. To read. To ride horses. To spend time with friends. To cuddle. To collect almost anything. To sing. To joke around.... etc, etc...

MY CHILD HATES TO _______________________________.

She hates to stop having fun.

I WANT TO TEACH MY CHILD TO ___________________.

Care for herself so that she can make the most of the opportunities God sets before her.

I PROVIDE A ______________ ENVIRONMENT FOR MY CHILD.

I believe I provide a healthy environment for my child: spiritually, emotionally, physically. There is room to grow and the safety to explore her environment.

MY DISCIPLINE IS _______________________________.

slanted heavily toward helping my child take responsibility for her feelings and behavior.

OUR FAMILY IS ______________________________.

Our family is connected, flexible and strong.

I HOPE THAT SOME DAY MY CHILD WILL ________________.

grow to own the faith that we have planted in her.

I KNOW THAT SOME DAY MY CHILD WILL _____________.

Be a great parent to my grandchildren.

If you repost this survey, please link me or let me know. I'd love to see what others come up with. God bless you!

-jeff

When even "normal" gets overwhelmed...

I had a really great day today. Really great. A good day with the family. We attended worship services at the Abilene Mission church, which was a interesting experience for us. Afterwards, we fellowshipped with two great families all afternoon. Great worship, good food, friendship, swimming and even a nap. Not bad for a Sunday!

So why did I get overwhelmed this evening? Because sometimes it all just catches up with you. Let's rewind....
On Friday, we had our quarterly A1C checkup at OU Children's Hosptial. This checkup allows us to get a glimpse of how Mary Hannah's and Ethan's bodies are handling their blood sugars, and consequentially, allows us to know if we need to make adjustments in our Diabetes Management strategy. In general, we feel like we have a handle on how our family copes with this chronic illness that has afflicted my older two children. When people ask us how we deal with Type 1 Diabetes, my response is usually that it has become our 'normal'. Yes, it was traumatic when we got the diagnosis for Ethan. Yes, it was a kick in the pants when we got Mary Hannah's diagnosis. Yes, if I stop and think about it, we are affected everyday in a million small ways by how Diabetes gets to dictate how we go about living our 'normal' everyday lives. But the truth is that most of the time, we don't stop and think about it, we just do it. I asked Amelia recently what she told people when they asked her about our coping strategy. She said something like, "I tell them that we just do it. People usually are pretty sympathetic and say stuff like, 'I don't know how you do it...' and I always just think, 'The options are: you do it, or :your child dies, so you just do it."

Well, I don't know what combination of factors fed into how I was handling things tonight, but I got a little overwhelmed this evening. After a great time today, we got home and I started making some dinner for Ethan and Eleanor (Mary Hannah was spending the night with a friend). Ethan's blood glucose has been high most of the day, and so I opted for a meal with few carbohydrates. See, this is one of the things that I usually don't think about. As a family, we can't just decide what we want to eat based on what we're hungry for, or what we have on hand to cook. We always, always, have to be aware of how what we eat will affect blood sugars. Because Ethan had been running with high BG all day, it indicated to me that for some reason, he was not getting the insulin he needed to process the sugar in his blood. It could have been an occlusion in his pump. It could be that he is getting sick and despite having insulin to cover his BG, his liver could be dumping extra sugar into his blood to help his immune system. It could be that Ethan was sneaking food and not telling us (doubtful). It could be a ton of different things. Anyhow, I figured that a low carb meal would be best, so we had what we call 'homemade lunchables'. Basically: lunch meat (effectively zero carbs), cheese (again, very low carbs), crackers (just a few carbs each), sugar free pudding (just a few carbs) and flavored water drinks (zero carbs). I told Ethan to go ahead and check his BG again before dinner. Turns out, he left his insulin kit at our friend's house. Now, in our case, leaving the insulin kit isn't a big deal if we are at home. We have extra syringes, extra insulin, extra glucometers, extra everything here at the house. But in principle, we're trying to help Ethan grow in his responsibility for managing his diabetes on his own. Part of that is remembering to take his kit with him wherever he goes. I gave him the ol' pep talk about being responsible and we sat down to eat.

After dinner, it was time to change Ethan's pump site. For clarification, Ethan has an Omnipod insulin pump. It is a nifty little pump that has all of the component parts contained in a 'pod' that is about the size of a small pager. We fill the 'pod' with insulin and affix it to the site and a spring loaded needle inserts a short 1/4" plastic cannula into the subcutaneous fat tissue and the pump begins delivering insulin to the body. The pump's computer is programmed with all the information about Ethan's insulin needs and does for him what your pancreas and endocrine system do for your body. Back to the story... there are basically only a few sites on the body with enough body fat to serve as sites for the pump: the abdomen, thighs, upper arms and buttocks. Over time, if the same site is used over and over, it builds up a resistance to the insulin absorption and becomes less effective. Thus, it is considered to be 'best practice' to rotate the sites you use. The site is usually changed every three days or so, so if you use all the available sites, each site will only have to bear the burden for three days every couple of weeks. On a little boy who is experiencing growth spurts and losing his baby fat, this process can be challenging. Ethan does not like to use his legs, as he says it is uncomfortable for sitting and when he is lying down. However, after our visit to the Endocrinologist, we were reminded of the necessity of rotating sites. So, I told Ethan that we needed to use his legs, too. He whined and fussed at me because he really didn't want to place the pump on his legs. Incidentally, MH doesn't like to use her abdomen and prefers her legs and arms. Ethan continued fussing at me. I reasoned with him:
Me: Hey buddy, look at your fingers. (he holds up his fingers) How many do you have?
Ethan: Twenty.
Me: Count again, just fingers.
Ethan: Oh, ten.
Me: How many have callouses because of how often you have to prick them to check your sugars?
Ethan: (counting his callouses) Four.
Me: Okay, so those fingers are getting worn out, right? It makes it harder to check your sugar when you overuse those fingers. The same thing happens to your pump sites. We really need to be using your legs, too, buddy.
Ethan: But I don't like it with my 'pod' on my legs!
Me: I know, brother. But, listen, I can't take the Diabetes away from you. All I can do is help you do the best job taking care of it, and I'm telling you that even if you don't like it, this is the best thing to do.
Ethan: (crying now) I hate it. Why did God even have to invent... (he catches himself here...) Why does God allow Diabetes to happen?
Me: ...
Ethan: I hate it. It... (looks at me right in the eyes) it SUCKS!
Me: Yes. Yes it does. But until someone figures out a cure, we just have to do the best we can, alright?

We go on to get the 'pod' affixed to his thigh and the spring loaded needle inserts the cannula with a *pop* and Ethan just explodes with crying and fussing. I know that it hurts to some extent, but we've been doing this for a while now and I know that his crying is out of proportion with the actual pain and has more to do with the mileage he's getting in attention from Daddy, but I'm feeling pretty sympathetic to him right now and so I just let him fuss. I drew him into an embrace and just let him cry. After a few minutes, I sent him back to his room to get ready for bed and promised to come read a story in a few minutes. Ethan left the room and it was as if his emotionality had been transferred to me. All the unfairness of Diabetes, all the sh.. stuff we have to deal with on a day in-day out basis, all of the expense, all of the vigilance, all of the equipment, all of the .... you get the idea... The frustration of having to hold my son and not have an answer for him about why *he* has to suffer from this condition, it all just hit me and I cried. Not for long, and not very loudly, but I cried. Amelia had been watching me and asked if I was okay. I told her that I know we usually just consider all this to be our 'normal', but that the experience of having to reason with my son, to just accept the suck-iness of this disease... it is an experience that I shouldn't have to have. I don't cry about it often, but tonight it just really got to me.

So, Amelia held me for a few minutes while I cried and then I sucked up my fussiness and read my babies a nighttime story and tucked them in to bed. I told them that I love them and that God loves them and that everything is okay. Then I went back into the living room and Amelia and I sat, reading books in companionable silence till the phone rang. It was from Mary Hannah's friend's mom letting us know that MH didn't have extra insulin so that she could change her 'pod'.
Amelia: Do you want me to go?
Me: *sigh* Nah, I'll do it.
Amelia: (lightheartedly) Well, I managed to pack extra test strips for her glucometer and an extra 'pod' for her because I knew she'd need to change sites tonight... I just forgot the insulin.
Me: (kissing Amelia) 'sokay, baby. This is our life. Be back in a bit. You want anything while I'm out?
Amelia: I don't *need* anything, but if you manage to bring home a sweet tea, I wouldn't mind.
Me: Back in a bit...

And I'm back to 'normal'


*I am not looking for sympathy here. My purpose in blogging about this is to heighten awareness about the social/emotional toll of chronic illness. For people who don't deal with it, I hope it will raise your awareness about some of the challenges that families face on an emotional level. For people who read this and identify with the emotions and struggle, I hope that this narrative will reassure you that your feelings are normal and acceptable. Often, caregivers get stuck feeling like they can't express their feelings because they'll be seen as whine-y, or misunderstood, or pitied, etc. I appreciate what you are going through and I hope that you have a way to cope with and find strength in doing what you do best: caring for and loving your families despite the way that the illness tries to tear down and control your daily life. May God richly bless you. - jeff

Just being born

A while ago, I had a counseling session with a couple that made me evaluate myself. That happens a lot, you know. I think a good session works both ways, shaping the client and shaping the therapist. That is a good thing.

Anyhow, this client couple was in my office for a variety of reasons: marriage, communication, anger, infidelity, family of origin issues... you name it. Over the course of the hour, one phrase that jumped out at me was, "All I ever wanted to do was make my dad happy. Man, how I tried." I asked, "Did it ever work? Did you ever manage to please him?" The client thought about it and responded, "Well, he came to visit a few years ago and I think he was really pleased with what I've done." I may be reading too much into that reply, but what I *didn't* hear was very interesting to me. The client didn't say, 'My dad was proud of who I am' or 'He told me that he loved me'. He said that the Dad was pleased with what was done... What does it say about a person's identity to feel that one has to earn a parent's love? Part of me felt that the dynamic was all wrong. Perhaps that was just my adult sensibilities.

When I got home that night, all three of my kids attacked me when I got in the door. I had to beg them to quit hugging on me so I could set my things down and hug them properly. After bathtime, Ethan came running and stood on my lap (that is right, he was standing on my thighs). I made him sit down and said, "Ethan, I have a serious question for you. I want to know what you think you have to *do* in order for me to love you. (I put special verbal emphasis on the word DO)" Ethan thought about it for a minute and said, "Nothing. Just be born, I guess."

I don't know why any parent would want things to be otherwise. I'm glad that even at age 6, Ethan knows that he doesn't have to do anything to earn my love. He knows that I love him just because he is. I may get angry, I might be disappointed by his behavior or choices, but he doesn't have to *do* anything to make me love him and he is secure knowing that no matter what he does, he can't make me *not* love him. The same goes with Mary Hannah and Eleanor.

I believe that this is a glimpse into God's point of view that he sometimes blesses parents with: the gift of reminding us that he sees us much the same way we see our children. God loves us because we are his. Not only that, but he loves us much more than we can ever love our children. We had a role in creating our children, but God individually created each of us. Even more than that, he redeemed us, adopted us, sanctified us and restored us into relationship with him. We are greatly loved by our Eternal Father. How much more reason do we need to love others because they are loved by God just the same?

Training exercise

This week should be pretty exciting for me and for my co-workers and for some kids who come from some hurtful backgrounds. I recently accepted a job working for New Horizons, a company which works with families and children who are either at risk for all sorts of legal, physical, and emotional problems or have already experienced them. Specifically, I'll be working as part of the direct care staff at the Audrey Grace House, a residential treatment center for troubled adolescents.

As part of our training, the staff of AGH spent some time at the Ranch, in Goldthwaite, TX, another of New Horizon's facilities. Early in our training, the instructor, Randy Fry, led us in an exercise that was designed to give us some perspective into the lives of the kids we'd be serving. He asked us each to take a sheet of paper and tear it into three smaller pieces. On each slip of paper, we were instructed to jot down a person, place or thing that was important to us, personally. Nobody shared what they wrote down, but we were further instructed to stack them in order of importance. Silently, we each weighed our connection to the person/place/thing on each slip of paper and sorted them accordingly. Then Randy said, "Now that you have listed and sorted the three things that are most important to you, take the third most important thing, crumple it up and throw it away. Imagine that it was ripped from you." We each did as we were instructed, crushing the slip of paper into a wad and tossing it into the middle of the circle of chairs. "Now, you've lost that important thing, but what if your next most valuable thing was also taken away from you? Throw away your next paper." Slowly, we processed the implication of what Randy was saying. Several of us hung on to our papers, the weight of what they represented in our lives holding us back. "Go on, throw them away, " said Randy quietly. When we'd all tossed our crumpled treasures in the middle, he instructed us to do it one final time. "Now, take that thing that is most important to you and throw away too." As each of us considered the person/place/thing we'd written on the slip of paper, the paper became more than a paper, it was a real thing. It represented, for most of us, a spouse, a parent, a child, or a relative. We sat in silence for a few moments. Then Randy said, "This little exercise that we've just done is what happens in reality for most of the kids that come to us. They have had their homes, their families, their treasures all ripped away from them. It is understandable that they are scared, angry, fearful, resentful. Most people have a hard time seeing the kid underneath their acting out behavior."

We spent a while processing what we were feeling during the exercise. For me, I'd had a bit of a dilemma trying to select what three things were most important. I have three children and a wife... those are four things and I only got three slips of paper. On one of the slips of paper, I'd written the name of my son, Ethan. I had decided to let him represent all three of my kids because he has been the child who has, until recently, demanded so much of my attention because of his diabetes. When it came time to crumple up and throw away that slip of paper, I couldn't do it. Intellectually, I knew that it was just a piece of paper and this was just a training exercise. Emotionally, I was experiencing a shadow of the pain and hurt that losing him, losing any of my children, would bring. The thought occurred to me then, in the middle of the exercise, that because of his medical condition, the possibility of losing him was more of a reality than I'd like to admit. All it would take is a lapse in our vigilance with his diabetes and he could be in a coma within a day.

The point of the exercise was to help this group of staff, who will be working directly with hurting kids, develop empathy, an ability to see past their anger and acting out and to love them. It was a good exercise.

Keep the Audrey Grace House in your prayers as we begin a journey with this new facility.

God, be with the staff as you bring these kids into our circle of influence. Give us eyes to see them as you see them. Use us as your arms to comfort them, your hands to guide them and your voice to encourage them to grow and prosper despite their trauma. Be with the kids and help them to be responsive to the love that we have to offer them. So many of them have developed a hardness, a shell meant to protect them from being hurt or disappointed yet again. Bless the work of the treatment center as we help the kids to learn about themselves and learn to function at home, at school. Heal the hurts and let your grace and mercy abound, in their lives and in ours. Shape us into the instruments of your love and mercy, as we have received them from your Son.