100th Post! Parenting

As I logged in to type up this blog, I noticed that it would be #100. So... Woo Hoo! Kinda neat, eh? Now back to the good stuff...

I've been getting ready to present a short seminar on Co-parenting after divorce and I ran across some interesting resources on the net. The most useful one was this site: The Parent Coach Plan. It had good information and some great free resources.

I've been working with a program at a non-profit company that does preventative and crisis intervention counseling with at-risk families for about a year now and I've experienced all sorts of interesting family configurations. It seems like the "traditional family" of Dad, Mom, 2.5 kids and a dog is not only rare nowadays, but is virtually non-existent. More often, I'm working with grandparents raising grandkids, single moms or dads with or without stepkids, a sister who raised her half and step siblings and then found out that she had another brother in foster care who she found and adopted and is raising all while she is trying to start a career, military blended families who are not only dealing with family issues but reverse culture shock as they come back to their home country... 'family' is a very loose term for the people with whom you are in close relationship. Anyhow, I'm processing lots of great information about parents leading me to ask some questions like:

How does one learn to be a good parent? It is not like kids come with a manual, and we all know the jokes about how there is no licensing test to be able to have kids (although there is one to have foster kids...) We pick up from our parents either lessons on how to be a loving, caring parent or lessons on what *we will NEVER do to our own kids*, am I right? :) Sometimes our best examples of parenting aren't found in our own families of origin, but in others that we perceive to 'have it all together'. I'm sure that culture influences us to some extent as well.

What does a good parent look like? What qualities do we strive for as parents? Patience is a key virtue here as well as consistency. Listening skills are important as are general communication skills: say what you mean, be brief, be clear. The ability to create and foster safety and security for our children is important.

Anyhow, one of the resources on the aforementioned website follows this paragraph. I thought it was an interesting exercise and I encourage any parents that read this to fill in the blanks and discover what they can about their own parenting proficiency. Enjoy!

(seeing as I have three children, I'll focus on just my oldest, for brevity's sake)

I AM A ___________________ PARENT.

I am a great parent. I really believe this and don't doubt it. Well, hardly ever. I recognize that there are times when I make decisions that are selfish or self serving, but so far, they have been of little consequence. I feel that I generally try to do the best I can for my children and I feel good about my efforts.

I NEED TO BECOME A MORE ___________PARENT.

I need to become a more present parent. I feel like I don't get to spend enough time with my family. At this point in my career, I'm working many long hours (hey, it is almost 2am now!) trying to get to a point where I don't have to work so hard... pause for irony... Anyhow, I feel that sometimes I've been under pressure (real or imagined) to take on too much responsibility and I miss my family and I know they miss me.

MY CHILD THINKS I AM A ______________PARENT.

My child thinks I am a loving parent. Not a day goes by that I don't tell my children how loved they are, by me, by mommy, by God. We have some rituals about telling and showing our love for each other including singing, hugging and kissing regularly.

I WISH MY CHILD WOULD STOP ________________.

I wish my child would stop ... I can't think of anything at the moment. All of the minor annoyances, small disobediences, grumpy mornings... in the grand scheme of things, they don't matter very much and I'm certain they will pass with time as she grows and develops. Even the emotional growing pains that she is undergoing are a marvel to watch and learn from her reactions and feelings about the situation.

I WISH MY CHILD WOULD START ______________.

I wish my child would start being more aware of her influence and how she is influenced by others. It won't bother me if she isn't a 'leader' per se, but I want her to be comfortable with herself and her own decisions to the point that she doesn't feel the pressure to follow the rash decisions of her peers.

I HOPE MY CHILD NEVER _________________.

I hope my child never stops growing or learning. If I can help her be a life long learner... about her environment, about her spirituality, about herself, I think I will have done a good job as a parent.

I NEED TO GIVE MY CHILD MORE _____________.

I need to give my child more love. I believe that she spells it: T-I-M-E.

MY CHILD'S BEHAVIOR WOULD BE BETTER IF _____________.

... if she were to take more ownership for her feelings, but I'd put her in the top 90% of kids her age in her ability to manage her emotions.

MY CHILD'S FRIENDS ARE _________________________.

My child's friends are remarkable. I believe that, as parents, we have cultivated relationships with families who are also remarkable in their values and devotion to God and each other. Modeling good friendships in the parent's lives is important for our children to see. I feel that my child has chosen her friends well and really enjoys those relationships.

MY CHILD MAKES ME PROUD WHEN _________________.

I am proud of my child when she shows good judgment, when she chooses kindness, when she displays a gentleness of spirit, when she uses her wit to make me laugh, when she picks the right thing over the easy thing... I could go on for a long time with this answer...

MY CHILD DISAPPOINTS ME WHEN ___________________.

Really, my biggest disappointments with my child are when my expectations are out of proportion with her development. Meaning that my disappointment with her is usually born from my own failings, not hers.

MY CHILD'S MOOD IS TYPICALLY _____________________.

Cheerful and curious.

MY CHILD'S BEHAVIOR IS TYPICALLY ________________.

Playful and exuberant.

MY CHILD LIKES TO _______________________________.

learn. To read. To ride horses. To spend time with friends. To cuddle. To collect almost anything. To sing. To joke around.... etc, etc...

MY CHILD HATES TO _______________________________.

She hates to stop having fun.

I WANT TO TEACH MY CHILD TO ___________________.

Care for herself so that she can make the most of the opportunities God sets before her.

I PROVIDE A ______________ ENVIRONMENT FOR MY CHILD.

I believe I provide a healthy environment for my child: spiritually, emotionally, physically. There is room to grow and the safety to explore her environment.

MY DISCIPLINE IS _______________________________.

slanted heavily toward helping my child take responsibility for her feelings and behavior.

OUR FAMILY IS ______________________________.

Our family is connected, flexible and strong.

I HOPE THAT SOME DAY MY CHILD WILL ________________.

grow to own the faith that we have planted in her.

I KNOW THAT SOME DAY MY CHILD WILL _____________.

Be a great parent to my grandchildren.

If you repost this survey, please link me or let me know. I'd love to see what others come up with. God bless you!

-jeff

When even "normal" gets overwhelmed...

I had a really great day today. Really great. A good day with the family. We attended worship services at the Abilene Mission church, which was a interesting experience for us. Afterwards, we fellowshipped with two great families all afternoon. Great worship, good food, friendship, swimming and even a nap. Not bad for a Sunday!

So why did I get overwhelmed this evening? Because sometimes it all just catches up with you. Let's rewind....
On Friday, we had our quarterly A1C checkup at OU Children's Hosptial. This checkup allows us to get a glimpse of how Mary Hannah's and Ethan's bodies are handling their blood sugars, and consequentially, allows us to know if we need to make adjustments in our Diabetes Management strategy. In general, we feel like we have a handle on how our family copes with this chronic illness that has afflicted my older two children. When people ask us how we deal with Type 1 Diabetes, my response is usually that it has become our 'normal'. Yes, it was traumatic when we got the diagnosis for Ethan. Yes, it was a kick in the pants when we got Mary Hannah's diagnosis. Yes, if I stop and think about it, we are affected everyday in a million small ways by how Diabetes gets to dictate how we go about living our 'normal' everyday lives. But the truth is that most of the time, we don't stop and think about it, we just do it. I asked Amelia recently what she told people when they asked her about our coping strategy. She said something like, "I tell them that we just do it. People usually are pretty sympathetic and say stuff like, 'I don't know how you do it...' and I always just think, 'The options are: you do it, or :your child dies, so you just do it."

Well, I don't know what combination of factors fed into how I was handling things tonight, but I got a little overwhelmed this evening. After a great time today, we got home and I started making some dinner for Ethan and Eleanor (Mary Hannah was spending the night with a friend). Ethan's blood glucose has been high most of the day, and so I opted for a meal with few carbohydrates. See, this is one of the things that I usually don't think about. As a family, we can't just decide what we want to eat based on what we're hungry for, or what we have on hand to cook. We always, always, have to be aware of how what we eat will affect blood sugars. Because Ethan had been running with high BG all day, it indicated to me that for some reason, he was not getting the insulin he needed to process the sugar in his blood. It could have been an occlusion in his pump. It could be that he is getting sick and despite having insulin to cover his BG, his liver could be dumping extra sugar into his blood to help his immune system. It could be that Ethan was sneaking food and not telling us (doubtful). It could be a ton of different things. Anyhow, I figured that a low carb meal would be best, so we had what we call 'homemade lunchables'. Basically: lunch meat (effectively zero carbs), cheese (again, very low carbs), crackers (just a few carbs each), sugar free pudding (just a few carbs) and flavored water drinks (zero carbs). I told Ethan to go ahead and check his BG again before dinner. Turns out, he left his insulin kit at our friend's house. Now, in our case, leaving the insulin kit isn't a big deal if we are at home. We have extra syringes, extra insulin, extra glucometers, extra everything here at the house. But in principle, we're trying to help Ethan grow in his responsibility for managing his diabetes on his own. Part of that is remembering to take his kit with him wherever he goes. I gave him the ol' pep talk about being responsible and we sat down to eat.

After dinner, it was time to change Ethan's pump site. For clarification, Ethan has an Omnipod insulin pump. It is a nifty little pump that has all of the component parts contained in a 'pod' that is about the size of a small pager. We fill the 'pod' with insulin and affix it to the site and a spring loaded needle inserts a short 1/4" plastic cannula into the subcutaneous fat tissue and the pump begins delivering insulin to the body. The pump's computer is programmed with all the information about Ethan's insulin needs and does for him what your pancreas and endocrine system do for your body. Back to the story... there are basically only a few sites on the body with enough body fat to serve as sites for the pump: the abdomen, thighs, upper arms and buttocks. Over time, if the same site is used over and over, it builds up a resistance to the insulin absorption and becomes less effective. Thus, it is considered to be 'best practice' to rotate the sites you use. The site is usually changed every three days or so, so if you use all the available sites, each site will only have to bear the burden for three days every couple of weeks. On a little boy who is experiencing growth spurts and losing his baby fat, this process can be challenging. Ethan does not like to use his legs, as he says it is uncomfortable for sitting and when he is lying down. However, after our visit to the Endocrinologist, we were reminded of the necessity of rotating sites. So, I told Ethan that we needed to use his legs, too. He whined and fussed at me because he really didn't want to place the pump on his legs. Incidentally, MH doesn't like to use her abdomen and prefers her legs and arms. Ethan continued fussing at me. I reasoned with him:
Me: Hey buddy, look at your fingers. (he holds up his fingers) How many do you have?
Ethan: Twenty.
Me: Count again, just fingers.
Ethan: Oh, ten.
Me: How many have callouses because of how often you have to prick them to check your sugars?
Ethan: (counting his callouses) Four.
Me: Okay, so those fingers are getting worn out, right? It makes it harder to check your sugar when you overuse those fingers. The same thing happens to your pump sites. We really need to be using your legs, too, buddy.
Ethan: But I don't like it with my 'pod' on my legs!
Me: I know, brother. But, listen, I can't take the Diabetes away from you. All I can do is help you do the best job taking care of it, and I'm telling you that even if you don't like it, this is the best thing to do.
Ethan: (crying now) I hate it. Why did God even have to invent... (he catches himself here...) Why does God allow Diabetes to happen?
Me: ...
Ethan: I hate it. It... (looks at me right in the eyes) it SUCKS!
Me: Yes. Yes it does. But until someone figures out a cure, we just have to do the best we can, alright?

We go on to get the 'pod' affixed to his thigh and the spring loaded needle inserts the cannula with a *pop* and Ethan just explodes with crying and fussing. I know that it hurts to some extent, but we've been doing this for a while now and I know that his crying is out of proportion with the actual pain and has more to do with the mileage he's getting in attention from Daddy, but I'm feeling pretty sympathetic to him right now and so I just let him fuss. I drew him into an embrace and just let him cry. After a few minutes, I sent him back to his room to get ready for bed and promised to come read a story in a few minutes. Ethan left the room and it was as if his emotionality had been transferred to me. All the unfairness of Diabetes, all the sh.. stuff we have to deal with on a day in-day out basis, all of the expense, all of the vigilance, all of the equipment, all of the .... you get the idea... The frustration of having to hold my son and not have an answer for him about why *he* has to suffer from this condition, it all just hit me and I cried. Not for long, and not very loudly, but I cried. Amelia had been watching me and asked if I was okay. I told her that I know we usually just consider all this to be our 'normal', but that the experience of having to reason with my son, to just accept the suck-iness of this disease... it is an experience that I shouldn't have to have. I don't cry about it often, but tonight it just really got to me.

So, Amelia held me for a few minutes while I cried and then I sucked up my fussiness and read my babies a nighttime story and tucked them in to bed. I told them that I love them and that God loves them and that everything is okay. Then I went back into the living room and Amelia and I sat, reading books in companionable silence till the phone rang. It was from Mary Hannah's friend's mom letting us know that MH didn't have extra insulin so that she could change her 'pod'.
Amelia: Do you want me to go?
Me: *sigh* Nah, I'll do it.
Amelia: (lightheartedly) Well, I managed to pack extra test strips for her glucometer and an extra 'pod' for her because I knew she'd need to change sites tonight... I just forgot the insulin.
Me: (kissing Amelia) 'sokay, baby. This is our life. Be back in a bit. You want anything while I'm out?
Amelia: I don't *need* anything, but if you manage to bring home a sweet tea, I wouldn't mind.
Me: Back in a bit...

And I'm back to 'normal'


*I am not looking for sympathy here. My purpose in blogging about this is to heighten awareness about the social/emotional toll of chronic illness. For people who don't deal with it, I hope it will raise your awareness about some of the challenges that families face on an emotional level. For people who read this and identify with the emotions and struggle, I hope that this narrative will reassure you that your feelings are normal and acceptable. Often, caregivers get stuck feeling like they can't express their feelings because they'll be seen as whine-y, or misunderstood, or pitied, etc. I appreciate what you are going through and I hope that you have a way to cope with and find strength in doing what you do best: caring for and loving your families despite the way that the illness tries to tear down and control your daily life. May God richly bless you. - jeff

Evaluation

I sometimes find it quite interesting how stuff happens. Sometimes there are topics, circumstances or what appear to be coincidences that happen that just make me wonder about the cosmic design.

First, I frequently share with couples who are seeking my help in counseling that I prefer to have us all start on the same page by using the following definition of 'love' : Love is ... valuing the other person AND refusing to devalue the other person. (as espoused by Everett Worthington in his book, "Hope-focused Marriage Counseling") I have found that due to varied family of origin issues, past relationships, trauma, and assorted reasons, people come to my office with widely differing ideas about what love is. I, too, have my own issues, past relationships and traumas that inform my definition of what love is, so this helps everyone be able to have a common reference point for whether certain behaviors, attitudes and values are 'loving'.

I had just such an occasion recently to help a husband evaluate his own behaviors and attitudes toward his wife by sharing this definition for his consideration. So, here we are, using words like evaluate and value and it makes me curious about how value is created. Value is a quality that is assigned to a person or a thing or a concept based on a personal or societal standard, or more often, by personal reasons. In my experience working with couples and families, there seems to be a trend to give lip service to how much we value the other person, but to behave in such a way that we communicate to the other that they are not valued. So, I find this definition of 'love' to be useful in helping couples evaluate (determine the worth) of their attitudes and behaviors.

Okay, so, let's transition to the next thing that happened to catch my attention: I received my annual performance evaluation at work today. That is right, a time honored tradition from corporate America designed to measure productivity and determine all sorts of Human Resource data. However, I have found that it is often difficult to separate the person from the performance and to actually walk away from a 'performance' evaluation without feeling like it was a 'person' evaluation. This time, for me, it was actually pretty decent. Here are some good excerpts:
*satisfactory job knowledge, understands and performs most phases of job well, occasionally requires assistance or instruction.
Okay, so far so good...
*Room for improvement, frequent errors, work requires checking & re-doing.
Wait, what? It just said that I only *occasionally* required assistance or instruction...
*Usually gets the job done on time, works well under pressure, follows up in a timely manner.
That's a little better, but c'mon... *usually* ? Who wrote this evaluation form anyhow?
*Proceeds on own with little or no direction, progressive, makes some suggestions for improvement. (in relation to Initiative and Creativity)
That sounded more promising, but this is beginning to feel like a validation roller coaster...
*Inconsistently accomplishes normal requirements of job.
Now I'm totally bumfuzzled! Is this good or bad? It seems to indicate that someone thinks that I'm doing a normal job of things, albeit inconsistently.

Actually, taken out of context, the above statements could be applied in any way I chose (as I illustrated with my comments after each). The gist of the performance review indicated that overall, I get the job done and do it well. The only real issues were some prodding to improve my paperwork and organizing my schedule more efficiently, both of which are valid points.

The one part of the evaluation that really got to me was: *Generally does not communicate well with clients, staff, and others. Paperwork is unclear and untimely. (Written and Oral Communication category)
Okay, okay, I get the paperwork thing already. I admit I need to tighten up in that area. But seriously, I'm not an effective communicator? This really attacked my sense of self. If anything, I consider myself to be an above average communicator. I'm not just referring to my speaking ability, but I also consider myself to be a great listener. In fact, those are two really important factors in my profession.

So, although I thought that the performance evaluation went well overall, part of me walked away with a sense of self-doubt about my value to my workplace and to my clients. I had to ask myself if the quality of my work and efforts were of value. (don't read too much into this, my self-doubt didn't last long. I'm still the same slightly arrogant, confident person I was before my evaluation.)

Okay, so... again... one more thing about the how we value each other, a friend brought the following article to my attention: (CAUTION: By clicking on the following, you are leaving this blog and will be presented an article about marriage, libido and sex drive. It may not be appropriate for all readers) A Letter from a Sex-Starved Husband. I found it to be an interesting read and it brought to my mind the comparison of a 'performance evaluation' and how men in general, determine whether they feel 'loved' (or 'valued', remember the definition from earlier?)

I was curious whether this man felt frustrated that his 'job' in his relationship was being valued by being compensated in a way that made him feel loved. It seemed to me, that in many categories in his relationship, he seems to meet the standard of being a good husband, a loving, caring compassionate husband. But there is this one area that bothers him. It doesn't change how he values his wife (does it?). He claims to love her enough to be able to fill volumes about how wonderful she is... but the long term effect of feeling devalued in this one area has created self-doubt in whether he is truly valued in the relationship. His closing paragraphs sound eerily similar to disgruntled employees who are looking for another job.

It makes me wonder how similar things would be if someone were to compare job turnover to divorce rates.

The Curious Case of the Naked Cake

Allow me to share a true story*:

So, I found myself this morning, navigating Dallas traffic, looking for the law offices of ... well, actually the specific office where my good friend, Everett New, works. Having driven for several hours, I found a parking space, fed the meter and carried a large cake box to the 33rd floor to surprise my friend for his birthday. Sounds pretty innocent, right? Read on...


DISCLAIMER: For those of you who normally follow my blog expecting spiritual enlightenment and enrichment, you might want to bail right now. What follows is a story of sneaky mischief and practical joking bordering on crass. You might be offended. You have been warned.




Okay, so let me start at the beginning...
My mom took a trip to see family and friends back east and I'd agreed to drive to DFW International Airport to pick her up. Contemplating the trip, I thought about calling upon my good friend Everett and asking if I could drive in on Sunday, stay the night at his place in Dallas, and be able to sleep late, pick Mom up at 11 and head back to Abilene. I sent Everett a note on Facebook explaining, but ultimately decided to just get up early on Monday and do a round-trip. However, I was reminded by the ubiquitous sidebar on my Home screen that Everett's birthday was Monday. This afforded me a unique opportunity and a long dormant sneaky part of my persona woke up.

Many years ago (1998, in fact), I met Everett when I started working for Enterprise Rent-a-Car in Plainview, Texas. It was a small branch and there was lots of downtime and Everett and I quickly discovered that we could have been separated at birth, so alike we were in wit and humor. We got along famously and became fast friends. However, the twit had somehow managed to arrange to take a day off in November which happened to be my birthday. leaving me to run the office by myself for a day. To make it up to me, and to play a bit of a joke, he arranged to have a cake delivered to cheer me up. He'd called my wife, Amelia, who was working at a bakery nearby and she helped arrange this:


I was slightly embarrassed and highly amused. So, thinking back to that incident all those years ago, I hatched a plan to visit revenge on my friend. What are friends, for, eh?
So, enlisting Amelia's blessing and help, she advised me that on a Sunday afternoon, I would be hard pressed to find a bakery which would/could whip out a specialty cake. But I could *make* one! So I got a cake board and box from a hobby store and after a trip to the supermarket, I was set. I borrowed a large pan (12x19) from my mother in law and got some help from Matt Dodd, my companion in this crime, to mix up the cake. Here is what I ended up with:


With the basic part of the cake, I gathered supplies for decorating purposes. I knew, for instance, that I would need to cut the cake into the basic curvy torso shape. Then I would need some cupcakes for the... 3D effects needed to convey the design. Those would need some decoration for accuracy sake. So, here is what I came up with to try out various configurations: Now, I'm a pretty creative guy and I know that I should try and work on the design because despite my creativity, I'm not very good at the artsy stuff like frosting cakes and piping and stuff. So I decided to try out a few designs. I used some Cherry Twizzlers to outline the basic shape and let my mock up... um... model a few different ... um... sizes, if you will, of cupcake. Here are some shots of those designs and configurations:

This would be the slender, petit version:

The slightly more roBUST version, with Hershey's Kisses instead of gumdrops:


... and what to do with all that leftover batter but make some cupcakes that can stand up proudly and lend some variety:
Oh, and just in case you're a Star Trek fan and have a thing for one of those Vega 3 ladies:


Having made an artistic decision about how I wanted to proceed, I shot one more picture of all the supplies I'd used, for documentation purposes:


I knew that Everett would appreciate the little details, so I created a mock up of a Bakery order form/receipt and included it on top of the box:


Then I created a card that would heighten the anticipation for him when I arrived at his prestigious, prominent law offices:


I fell asleep on Sunday night with a smile on my face, thinking about Everett's expression when I showed up at his office the next morning with my "Naked Cake". I just knew that he'd love the joke. Earlier in the evening, I'd emailed his wife, Heather, to make sure he would be at work the next day. I would hate to have put in all that effort into the joke only to have it be a BUST. I'm not sure I'd be able to BARE it. *snicker*

So, I arrived at his office at about 10 am and the receptionist greeted me and paged him to the front area. Everett came walking in and his face broke into a smile to see me. He said, "Jeff! What a great surprise! I thought you weren't going to be able to see me while you were in town..." his voice trailed off when he saw the cake box. His eyes went wide and he said, "Oh, NO! I know what this is!"

I broke out with a big grin of my own as the realization and memory of the infamous cake of '98 ran through his head. Everett laughed as I explained to his co-workers who happened to be nearby. "Years ago, Everett gave me a great cake to celebrate my birthday and I thought I'd return the favor." I passed around the picture at the top of this post, of me holding the cake Everett had commissioned. With mixed anticipation and trepidation, he began to open the box I'd brought. "Jeff, if I know you, you didn't just match my cake, you stepped up. I'm almost afraid ..."

I stopped him and had him read the card:


I pointed out that this was not just a birthday cake, but a revenge cake and whereas his cake had employed a feeble attempt at covering up the naughty bits with pasties, tassels, and a bikini, I knew I would have to deliver him a NAKED cake!

Laughing nervously, Everett opened the box...


to discover that I am indeed a man of my word. A *Naked* cake.


I mentioned that I can't decorate worth a darn, didn't I?

After trying out the different designs, I decided to utilize both the heightened anticipation of dread and the deliberate pun of a "naked" cake to entertain my dear friend. I did deliver all the other supplies so he could decorate to his ... um... taste preferences:


I don't mean to make mountains out of molehills here, but I was pretty pleased with how sneaky and, ultimately clever (lazy, whatever) I'd been in pulling this off. Everett's reactions were everything I'd hoped they be and I expect that this will be a level of silliness on a birthday that he'll remember... maybe for 12 more years before he catches me off guard...

Happy Birthday, friend.


*elements of this blog post (particularly dialogue) may be paraphrased, embellished and otherwise fabricated to facilitate the unfolding of the story. -mgmt

Do you see what I see?

Dear ______________,

I'm glad that you seem to be doing better. I enjoyed our talk today. It appears to me that you've been doing a lot of thinking about where you are and your choices and how you've reacted to things that have happened to you. I can only imagine the frustration that you feel right now, stuck in the place that you've landed. You told me that you didn't intend to end up here, but nonetheless, here you are. I asked you where you wanted to be and you didn't have an answer, or maybe you just didn't want to share that with me just yet. That's okay. As long as we keep talking, I'm sure we'll get there.

One thing confuses me, though, and I hope you can help me understand it a bit better. You seem angry about your circumstances, also a little hopeless. You mentioned that you just take life one day at a time, and react to what happens to you. I asked you about what your plans were, so that you could be more proactive and you told me that it was no use planning for things because you can't control the bad stuff that happens and it just ruins your plans anyhow. It made me sad to see that you have gotten caught in a self-fulfilling cycle. It goes like this: "I shouldn't make any plans for the future because too much can happen that would ruin my plans." Then something unexpected happens and you don't have any plans in place to mitigate the effect on you, which reinforces your belief that it does no good to plan for the future...

I can understand that from your perspective, my assertion that a lack of planning can equal an inability to dream, to see the myriad possibilities in front of you. When I told you that if you chose differently, that the outcome would be different, that probably seemed like I was talking gobbledygook.

It is like this, I feel like you are in a canyon, a ravine. You're standing at the bottom of it, seeing only two options: forward or backward. Door 1 or Door 2, each with consequences that keep you in the ravine. I'm up top, on a plain (kind of like West Texas, where you can see for miles in any direction). I call down to you and we talk about choices, but all you can see is what is in the ravine. I look around at 360 different directions I can take, choices I can make and wonder why you feel so limited. That's not really fair now, is it?

I understand why you feel so trapped. You have a need for others to see you as something. If you don't give in to the pressure from your peers, your family, you will be seen as... weak? untrustworthy? a wimp?

But what if the answer to your frustration, to your feeling stuck and trapped in your lifestyle was not forward or backward, but upward? What if you trusted me, the voice from above, who has a different perspective? You've got the basic ingredients already in the pot: discontent with where you are... motivation to change... new responsibilities that are helping you see beyond yourself to the interests of others... and you're beginning to see that when you are faced with the pressure to do something, you ALWAYS have the choice to NOT do something. I hope you can trust that I'm watching over you and I'm as close as a prayer when you need help. Despite what you've endured, I haven't forgotten you. I haven't forsaken you. My deepest desire is to open your eyes to the truth that with me, all things are possible.

Love, God.

Re-post

I usually only post my own musings and thoughts, but I appreciated this post on a friend's blog, I wanted to direct any/all my readers to this short post:

http://aministerswife.blogspot.com/2010/04/dont-make-me.html

Thanks, Caryn.

-jeff

Valuing the Gift

I read a quote from Augustine of Hippo: “It is easy to want things from the Lord and yet not want the Lord Himself, as though the gift could ever be preferable to the Giver.” and it got me thinking...

I'll bet that it is human nature to do this to each other in our relationships as well as spiritually, toward God. I immediately thought of birthdays and Christmas and all our traditions of gift-giving. When we get presents, often our focus is on the present itself and the quality of the gift. I can remember times when I was disappointed with the gift itself, my expectations exceeding my reality. However, I can't really remember a time when I even gave a thought to how I valued the giver. When it came to Christmas stuff, it was usually my parents or family who gave the gifts and there was the unspoken expectation that I would continue to love and value the person who gave the gift, so the relationship was pretty stable and secure. But, thinking about the above quote, I wonder how different my expectations would be if I took the time to think about the one giving the gift and how I do relationship with that person.

I'm at a point in my life where I don't really expect the gifts I receive to be extravagant or surprising. If I want a thing, I generally get it for myself, so all the stuff I really want is only limited by my patience and ability to pay for it. Now that I think about it, though, I am also at a point in my life where I have almost daily reminders of how I value the giver more than the gift when it comes to my kids. Yesterday, Mary Hannah brought home a craft she'd made at school. Technically, I guess it is a trivet, a ceramic hot pad for putting heated dishes on in a kitchen. It is very colorful. Not quite sure how functional it would be, but we'll probably hang on to it for it's artistic value rather than its usefulness (MH says it is an example of radial symmetry, but it looks kinda like a fruit pizza). At any rate, we oohed and aahed about it, not because it is spectacularly wonderful, useful, or beautiful, but because it came from our daughter. Definitely a case of valuing the giver and our relationship over the gift!

So, how do we do with non-tangible gifts that we give each other? For instance, the gift of shared time is one that is often undervalued and closely linked to the value we place on the giver. Early in our marriage, Amelia frequently wanted me to spend downtime in the same room as her. This was difficult because I was obsessed with a particular video game at the time and the computer was in another room. She didn't particularly want to do anything specific, she just wanted us to be together and was unwilling to sit and watch me play my game. Likewise, I was unwilling to sit and watch whatever show she was watching when my guildmates were hosting a raid! I think that situation is an example of how people perceive the gift and the giver differently. Amelia wanted me to give her the gift of shared time, but I was unwilling to do that. I wanted her to give me the gift of time to myself, but I was being selfish about it and devaluing the giver.

So, that gets me thinking about the gift of oneself. Augustine was basically saying that we place the emphasis on WHAT we are getting from God, when the true gift of God is the gift of HIMSELF. Everything that comes from being in relationship with God is just byproduct of the relationship itself. So, what if the corollary is true, that the true gifts we receive from others are just tangible pieces of what they are really offering: themselves, via relationship. There are varying levels of course. I wouldn't expect that someone who offers me a $10 giftcard for my birthday party was looking for a deep and abiding intense relationship. More likely, they are offering a passing mutual regard for each other, and that is okay. However, there are people in my life with whom I need to learn to look at our relationship itself as a gift, a gift that deserves to be valued in the highest place.

Who do you need to thank and appreciate for giving you the gift of themselves? Value both the gift and the giver at once! :)

-jeff