Unanswerable questions

What do *you* do when someone asks you a question to which there is no good answer?

"Do these jeans make my butt look big?"

"Why didn't you take the trash out like I told you?"

"How could you hurt me like that?"

Wow, that escalated quickly.  The 1st question is a toughie... we don't want to hurt the other person with our answer and if they asked the question in the first place they are unlikely to accept any answer we would give anyhow.

The 2nd question isn't really a question.  It is an expression of the speaker's own disappointment, wrapped up in a question format.  Think about it.  The truth could be that the trash didn't get taken out because you were figuring out the cure for cancer but it wouldn't matter because what the speaker was really saying was, "I expected you to do what I told you and you didn't and now I'm hurt and disappointed and I'm blaming my feelings on you."  No answer would be good enough, just take the trash out.

The 3rd question though...
It is a different level.  It expresses not just the speaker's hurt and disappointment.  It indicates that a relationship has been damaged.  Trust may have been broken.  There is no good answer to that question. "How could you hurt me like that?"
"How could you hurt me?"
"How could you?"
"How?"
Sometimes when we've been hurt, we can't even get the whole question out.  It seemed unthinkable before it became known.  We couldn't even have imagined that person could do that.  Our disbelief and hurt is based on a faulty assumption.  It goes something like this:  If (person) really loved me, they would never do (behavior).  Ipso facto, if (person) does (behavior) they don't really love me.  Ergo, they never really loved me, therefore our whole relationship has been a lie.  I believed the lie, therefore, I'm a fool.

Yes, you are a fool.  Love is a foolish emotion.  In order for it to happen, we have to take the risk that we can be vulnerable with a person by caring about them and feeling cared for and hope that the other person will handle that risky choice with respect.  But they don't always do a good job with that task.  In fact, for a variety of reasons, the other person just may not handle that trust well.  And that brings us back to the unanswerable question: "How could you hurt me like that?"

The truth is that it is possible to love another person but behave in ways that are devaluing.  However, we cannot continue to behave in ways that devalue the other person and expect that they are going to continue to believe that we love them.

In couples therapy, I often run into situations where there are competing definitions of what it means to "love".  I may hear him say, "I wake up every day trying to put a smile on her face and show her how much I love her.  I'd walk a thousand miles to show her that."  Her reply, "I didn't *ask* you to walk a thousand miles.  I just want you to do a load of laundry!"  What looks like love to one person doesn't always line up with the other's view of love.  Lots of people have attempted to encompass the ineffable definition of love. Gary Chapman gave it a go with his Five Love Languages.  I use his framework frequently, but there is still more to be said.

Love is a feeling.
Love is a choice.
Love is action.
Love is ..... (fill in your favorite way to describe love)

Problem is, although we have overlapping definitions, the areas where things don't overlap cause problems.  I've adopted a definition of love from Everett Worthington Jr. from his book, Hope Focused Marriage Counseling:

Love is valuing the other person and refusing to devalue the other person.

I love this definition because it encompasses the understanding that we can say (or feel like) we love the other person, but if we aren't demonstrating it through our behaviors (in active and passive ways), it isn't really complete.

May you learn to value others and refuse to devalue them.  May you find the answer to the unanswerable questions.  And may you discover in the process that part of the answer lies in questioning our assumptions and finding ways to ask different questions.

Evaluation

I sometimes find it quite interesting how stuff happens. Sometimes there are topics, circumstances or what appear to be coincidences that happen that just make me wonder about the cosmic design.

First, I frequently share with couples who are seeking my help in counseling that I prefer to have us all start on the same page by using the following definition of 'love' : Love is ... valuing the other person AND refusing to devalue the other person. (as espoused by Everett Worthington in his book, "Hope-focused Marriage Counseling") I have found that due to varied family of origin issues, past relationships, trauma, and assorted reasons, people come to my office with widely differing ideas about what love is. I, too, have my own issues, past relationships and traumas that inform my definition of what love is, so this helps everyone be able to have a common reference point for whether certain behaviors, attitudes and values are 'loving'.

I had just such an occasion recently to help a husband evaluate his own behaviors and attitudes toward his wife by sharing this definition for his consideration. So, here we are, using words like evaluate and value and it makes me curious about how value is created. Value is a quality that is assigned to a person or a thing or a concept based on a personal or societal standard, or more often, by personal reasons. In my experience working with couples and families, there seems to be a trend to give lip service to how much we value the other person, but to behave in such a way that we communicate to the other that they are not valued. So, I find this definition of 'love' to be useful in helping couples evaluate (determine the worth) of their attitudes and behaviors.

Okay, so, let's transition to the next thing that happened to catch my attention: I received my annual performance evaluation at work today. That is right, a time honored tradition from corporate America designed to measure productivity and determine all sorts of Human Resource data. However, I have found that it is often difficult to separate the person from the performance and to actually walk away from a 'performance' evaluation without feeling like it was a 'person' evaluation. This time, for me, it was actually pretty decent. Here are some good excerpts:
*satisfactory job knowledge, understands and performs most phases of job well, occasionally requires assistance or instruction.
Okay, so far so good...
*Room for improvement, frequent errors, work requires checking & re-doing.
Wait, what? It just said that I only *occasionally* required assistance or instruction...
*Usually gets the job done on time, works well under pressure, follows up in a timely manner.
That's a little better, but c'mon... *usually* ? Who wrote this evaluation form anyhow?
*Proceeds on own with little or no direction, progressive, makes some suggestions for improvement. (in relation to Initiative and Creativity)
That sounded more promising, but this is beginning to feel like a validation roller coaster...
*Inconsistently accomplishes normal requirements of job.
Now I'm totally bumfuzzled! Is this good or bad? It seems to indicate that someone thinks that I'm doing a normal job of things, albeit inconsistently.

Actually, taken out of context, the above statements could be applied in any way I chose (as I illustrated with my comments after each). The gist of the performance review indicated that overall, I get the job done and do it well. The only real issues were some prodding to improve my paperwork and organizing my schedule more efficiently, both of which are valid points.

The one part of the evaluation that really got to me was: *Generally does not communicate well with clients, staff, and others. Paperwork is unclear and untimely. (Written and Oral Communication category)
Okay, okay, I get the paperwork thing already. I admit I need to tighten up in that area. But seriously, I'm not an effective communicator? This really attacked my sense of self. If anything, I consider myself to be an above average communicator. I'm not just referring to my speaking ability, but I also consider myself to be a great listener. In fact, those are two really important factors in my profession.

So, although I thought that the performance evaluation went well overall, part of me walked away with a sense of self-doubt about my value to my workplace and to my clients. I had to ask myself if the quality of my work and efforts were of value. (don't read too much into this, my self-doubt didn't last long. I'm still the same slightly arrogant, confident person I was before my evaluation.)

Okay, so... again... one more thing about the how we value each other, a friend brought the following article to my attention: (CAUTION: By clicking on the following, you are leaving this blog and will be presented an article about marriage, libido and sex drive. It may not be appropriate for all readers) A Letter from a Sex-Starved Husband. I found it to be an interesting read and it brought to my mind the comparison of a 'performance evaluation' and how men in general, determine whether they feel 'loved' (or 'valued', remember the definition from earlier?)

I was curious whether this man felt frustrated that his 'job' in his relationship was being valued by being compensated in a way that made him feel loved. It seemed to me, that in many categories in his relationship, he seems to meet the standard of being a good husband, a loving, caring compassionate husband. But there is this one area that bothers him. It doesn't change how he values his wife (does it?). He claims to love her enough to be able to fill volumes about how wonderful she is... but the long term effect of feeling devalued in this one area has created self-doubt in whether he is truly valued in the relationship. His closing paragraphs sound eerily similar to disgruntled employees who are looking for another job.

It makes me wonder how similar things would be if someone were to compare job turnover to divorce rates.

Thirteen

Thirteen is considered to be an unlucky number by some. In 1911, there was even a word coined to describe the fear that some people developed due to it's unlucky reputation. But I don't consider it to be unlucky. I'm not superstitious or anything, knock wood. In fact, 13 holds some pretty good memories for me.

For instance, when I turned thirteen, I asked for a Casio Databank watch for my birthday. It was SOOO cool. Not only did it have a calculator, it also stored telephone numbers. It even had a function to PASSWORD protect up to 10 telephone numbers. 'Cause, you know, a 13 year old has certain... sensitive... phone numbers he might want to... um... protect from... er... prying eyes who happened to have access to a device he wore on his wrist most of the time. Okay, so, in reality, it wasn't as suave and debonair as I first thought, but it was still a really cool (read: geeky) watch.




Anyhow, 13 holds no unfortunate connections, references or tidings in my mind. In fact, on July 6th, 13 will be a very happy number for me because it will mark the number of years that Amelia and I have been married. So, at the risk of being teased for my blogging, I present to you, my wife, and you, my readers: 13 lists of 13 things regarding 13 subjects that I spent at least 13 minutes working on so that 13 people might be impressed about the importance of this, the 13th anniversary of the date of my marriage to Amelia, which if pulled would destroy the world, the universe and everything in it.... whoops... wrong joke; seriously, I am thirteen times more determined to mention 13 exactly 13 times before I formally end this "thirteen" themed sentence than I was 13 minutes ago when I came up with idea for this love note to my wife of (almost) 13 years: Happy 13th, Hunny.

List the first: 13 things I love about being married to Amelia.
1) I love doing the dishes. Not all the time, not universally... but I love the fact that there is something that Amelia REALLY doesn't like to do and I can do it for her.
2) I love travelling with Amelia.
3) I love the clothes she buys for me so I don't have to shop.
4) I love playing board games with Amelia, even when my win/loss record for Boggle is 1/3 gajillion.
5) I love giving her massages.
6) I love snuggling and watching movies at home in bed with popcorn and M&Ms.
7) I love listening to her sing.
8) I love the fact that though she is probably vastly more intelligent that I, she still makes me feel smart.
9) I love how Am sticks her tongue out when she is really concentrating on something.
10) I love that she likes to scrapbook and has chronicled our life together over the years.
11) I love the memories we've made together.
12) I love the babies we've made together (!). :)
13) I love her tolerance of "Emery time", adding at least 30 minutes to any estimate that I give her of when I'll be through/ready/finished/home.

List the second: 13 phrases Amelia says
1) I love you, hunny.
2) Thanks for doing the dishes.
3) Come look at what I've scrapped.
4) The kids need new clothes.
5) Guess what Ele did today...
6) Pirate!
7) Nobody will play Boggle with me.
8) *sigh* I've got to get some laundry done.
9) (quoting the movie, French Kiss) "My ass is twitching. You people make my ass twitch."
10) (again with the quotes) "Fester, fester, fester. Rot, rot, rot."
11) Check your blood sugar.
12) What's for dinner? Shaddupandeatit.
13) I'm more comfortable than you are.

List the third: 13 items within reach of Amelia's bedside
1) The latest book(s) she is reading.
2) Tylenol, advil and at least three glasses that she's brought to bed but neglected to take to the kitchen the next morning.
3) M&Ms or some other candy.
4) The TV remote
5) Kleenex
6) (at least overnight 80% of the time) one of the kids, sleeping on a palette on the floor.
7) A flashlight
8) Massage lotion
9) A lamp
10) Decorative pillows that adorn the bed on the rare occasions it actually gets made up.
11) Debris from pockets that have been turned out when she's changed clothes.
12) Her glasses
13) Her hunny. :)

List the fourth: 13 things Amelia likes to do.
1) Travel
2) Watch certain movies in the background while doing something else
3) Scrapbook.
4) Spend time with good friends
5) Bake
6) Decorate (and eat) sugar cookies.
7) Spend quality time with the kids
8) Voraciously read.
9) Correct grammar. :)
10) Play board/card/dice games.
11) Be involved with meaningful activities: School supply drive; teaching Bible class, charity work.
12) Mixed Martial Arts.
13) Sleep.

List the fifth: 13 things Amelia doesn't like
1) Bad grammar
2) Doing dishes.
3) Working all the time so that she has no time to do other things.
4) Having a headache all the time.
5) The unfortunate reality that the laundry is never done.
6) Times when children's fussiness overextends her patience.
7) Diabetes
8) Milk
9) Late fees for library books.
10) The way in which it only takes 13 nanoseconds to messify a child's room she just spent hours cleaning and straightening.
11) Administrative bureaucracy
12) Nasal congestion
13) Not having her hunny at home.

List the sixth: 13 places Amelia has been with Jeff
1) Rome, Italy
2) Kress, Texas
3) North Platte, Nebraska
4) London, England
5) Plainview, Texas
6) Denver, Colorado
7) Enid, Oklahoma
8) Cloudcroft, New Mexico
9) Paris, France
10) Lubbock, Texas
11) Eindhoven, The Netherlands
12) Kaiserslautern, Germany
13) Innsbruck, Austria

List the seventh: 13 jobs Amelia has performed (for fun or for profit)
1) Wife
2) Mother
3) English Teacher
4) Burger King worker
5) Bible class teacher
6) Classified Ads sales star
7) School Supply Drive coordinator
8) Retail sales manager
9) Office Supply store worker
10) Youth Minister (I was only the front man, Amelia did lots of the behind the scenes support work)
11) Editor
12) Graphic designer
13) Supermodel - seriously... ask to see her portfolio

List the eigth: 13 Memories I have of our wedding day
1) Heat (It was July 6th in Texas, after all)
2) The Sherriff looking for the escaped prisoner.
3) Corn Dog breath
4) My best man and little sister, in collusion, supergluing the ribbons tying the rings to the pillow so they wouldn't come undone easily.
5) My nephew stowing away in our getaway car, forcing us to drive back and dump him in the parking lot.
6) Losing my breath at the sight of Amelia entering the room.
7) Writing our own vows and having Amelia try to insert my promise to continue to love her..."In floorings and in wall coverings"
8) Rikki Lane fixing us a "to go" basket because neither of us got to eat at the reception
9) Being skinny *sigh*
10) Tuxedo mix-ups
11) Phil crying during the ceremony.
12) Using Dad's ring during the ceremony (mine was stuck on the pillow, remember?)
13) The kiss

List the ninth: 13 pictures of Amelia I happen to have on my hard drive right now.
(it was easier to upload the pics and insert a slideshow here of 13 pictures)



List the tenth: 13 gifts I wish I could give Amelia
1) A trip to the Great Barrier Reef. I know this is on your bucket list
2) A new wedding ring (with some sort of insurance against accidental loss)
3) A operating budget at work. I know you would do even more amazing things, given the resources.
4) A surprise party with all her favorite people from all the corners of the world.
5) A cure for Diabetes
6) A lifetime supply of Reese's PB Cups
7) All the cool scrapbooking toys she wants.
8) A house to decorate and live in.
9) Maid service
10) A new(er) vehicle
11) A laptop
12) Extra time in her day so that she can do what she *wants* to do.
13) A trip to San Antonio with her favorite husband and kids. (1 out of 13... whew).

List the eleventh: 13 hats Amelia wears at work
1) Assistant Manager
2) Web master
3) Receiver
4) Stocker
5) Cashier
6) Accounts Receivable
7) Opener
8) Closer
9) Graphic Designer
10) Special Order Clerk
11) Bible imprinter
12) Underpaid, under appreciated employee
13) Special Events organizer
(Yes, I know that other people work there, too... but Amelia is pretty amazing with all the hats she wears there.)

List the twelfth: 13 things Amelia does in a typical day.
1) Showers
2) Checks the kid's blood sugar and administers insulin
3) Cooks a meal
4) Works an 8 hour (at least) day.
5) Mixed Martial Arts workout
6) Reads to relax
7) Laundry
8) Runs to Wal-mart (sometimes multiple times a day)
9) Organizes some extra-curricular activity (bible class, scrapbooks, plans for the kids to do something, etc)
10) Wears cute socks
11) Checks her email/facebook/jde95f.blogspot.com :)
12) Tells me, "I love you, hunny."
13) Falls into bed, exhausted but able to read just a few chapters in a book.

List the thirteenth: 13 Web links that Amelia likes (and you might enjoy, too)
1) http://www.failblog.org
2) http://www.facebook.com
3) http://www.theonion.com
4) http://www.aes.acu.edu
5) http://www.hulu.com
6) http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com
7) http://comics.com/pearls_before_swine/
8) http://www.aslpro.com
9) http://graphjam.com/
10) http://www.jdrf.org
11) http://www.acu.edu
12) http://www.bartleby.com/
13) And a good way to round out a list of 13s, a list of websites and the theme of love: (CLICK HERE)

So, as you sit and wonder what possessed you to read such a long post... as you ponder what possessed me to compose such a mash-up of lists... know this:

I LOVE AMELIA. With all I have, with all I am... for the past thirteen years and for a lifetime to come. Happy 13th, hunny.

-jeff

A Perfect Dozen

Chin up, hunny.

Amelia has learned, like the kids have, that when I have the camera out, she just needs to humor me. So, when I pointed the camera at her and commanded, "Smile!" She graced me with the above photo.

12 years ago today, we stood before a group of family and friends and vowed to support, cherish, love, put up with and otherwise endure the passage of time with each other. I would like to point out that the woman in the picture above is NOT the woman I married. Shocked? Read on...

The woman I married 12 years ago was kind and generous. She was smart and quick to laugh. She worked hard and saw things through. She was helpful, gracious, and gifted. The woman that I wake up to each morning is not the same. She is more. Much more.

In twelve years, she has become a closer friend, a confidant. She's seen me at my worst and taken me by the hand and helped me to stand again. She has taken my shattered ego and put it back together. Amelia had to learn to see past the facade I put up and see the real me and she kept loving me through it all.

In twelve years, Amelia has become more beautiful to me. I asked her tonight if she considered herself to be beautiful. She told me that she did... to some extent, except when she is 'frumpy' (which she claims lasts most of the winter). But in my eyes, her beauty is unsurpassed. It encompasses not just her outward beauty (her eyes, her smile, her freckled shoulders, her shapely legs, etc), but her Christian spirit as well. If ever I need to see compassion, grace, courtesy, hospitality, hope, joy, endurance, patience... I don't have to look farther than my wife.

In twelve years, she has changed from being my best friend to being my wife to being the mother of my daughter, Mary Hannah, my son, Ethan, and my youngest girl, Eleanor. Motherhood has triggered some changes in Amelia. She is more patient, more loving, more diligent, more steadfast. What an even more amazing woman she's become!

In twelve years, my wife has organized my life as we moved from Abilene to Coleman back to Abilene to Plainview to Enid (3x in Enid alone!) back to Abilene. Amelia has encouraged me to persevere with my dreams and seen in me strengths I didn't know I possessed. Her gentle loving has wrought great changes in me.

In twelve years, this incredible woman has adapted to everything that life has thrown at us and has helped us forge a family. We've had our share of hardship (both natural and self-inflicted) but she keeps us going. She is not the woman I married, and, thank the Lord, I'm not the man she thought she was getting. God has been good to us. God IS good to us, everyday.

Thank you, God for this woman, Amelia. Thank you for giving her eyes to see me despite my attempts to cover up. Thank you for giving her a heart to love me and our children even when she's worn out and at her breaking point. Thank you for molding and shaping her and forming her every day in your image. Thank you for the past twelve years, Father. Help us to live each day for you.

I love you, Amelia. Thank you for being you, every day. You are the woman I love today, tomorrow and always.


We ate at Outback Steakhouse on our honeymoon and here we are, celebrating our 12th anniversary.


Behold, the empty plate, formerly known as a plate of Aussie Cheese Fries.

Some Random Thoughts on Valentine's Day

Love. Four little letters with so much baggage...
My day began with a fast stop at Wal-mart to pick up some inexpensive roses for the day. Now, I don't usually start my Thursdays out by trading a couple of hard earned sawbacks for flowers, but today was special. Today is the day that love crass commercialism abounds. On Valentine's day, we have been conditioned (or coerced) by society to spend money to demonstrate the love that we have for others. Today is a day when bachelors everywhere sigh with relief that they don't have to fork over their dough on some sentimental hogwash and bachelorettes sigh because they don't have a guy who'll fork out some of his cash to "show" how much he loves you. And the odd thing is, it isn't even really about getting something on Valentine's day... it is about other people seeing you getting something on Valentine's day. If the gift is thoughful enough or complicated enough that it shows effort, a guy can get away with something really cheap. Ok, I think it is safe to say that the Valentine's day experience, while it may vary from person to person, is mostly superficial.

I had a conversation with the mother of my son's kindergarten classmate about a flyer that was sent home two weeks ago. It was from the PTO regarding a fund raiser they were advertising. For about $2 each, parents could have the PTO deliver to their child's classroom on Valentine's day: A) a helium balloon and a love note from Mommy/Daddy B) A small stuffed animal or C) a small bag of Valentine-themed candy or any combination of those three . The mother said, "So, if I don't do this for my kid, I'm some sort of bad parent, right? 'Cause you know that other kid's parents are going to do this and so if I don't do it, my kid is going to think we don't love him! Sheesh." The power of crass Valentine's commercialism at work... even in such an innocent venue.


I had a conversation with a friend who is in a long-distance relationship about Valentine's day this afternoon. I asked how she and her fiancee were going about doing the holiday "thing" considering they were hundreds of miles apart. She told me, "He really objects to the whole Valentine's day idea. He doesn't feel right being 'forced' to do something artificial to somehow prove that he loves me on any certain day just because. " >insert pregnant pause< "But I told him that although I understood and I didn't expect him to spend lots of money... he'd better do something today."

I must admit that I have lived at both ends of the spectrum. I have righteously raled at the injustice of a superficial holiday and it's negative effect on my slim income and I have gone overboard with an obsequious display of romantic verisimilitude. This year, I kind of made do with what I had. The wife and I went out earlier in the week because I had to work tonight. I picked up a dozen roses at the supermarket to deliver to special people today. I took roses to my daughters and gift to my son, a rose to my wife, mother, mother-in-law, some other key people and even gave a couple of roses to a buddy who needed a quick gift for his wife but couldn't pull together the cash to get her some on his own.


But none of what I did today was about love. It was about crass commercialism. Love is when I tell my wife to go on to bed because she's had rough day and I offer to bathe the kids and put them to bed. I was loving when I offer to go out of my way to help a friend with a difficult chore. I was loving when I held my tongue instead of criticizing someone when they made an honest mistake. I think that we demonstrate love when, out of genuine concern for someone else's well being above our own, we give... our selves, our time, our energy, our effort, our concern, our encouragement.

So, here's a bright idea for us to try: Let's strike a blow at crass commercialism every day for the next year by being intentional about how we choose to go about our day. Look for opportunities to show love to someone tomorrow when they least expect it. It may be a pre-meditated show of love, or it could be a target-of-opportunity kind of thing where it just kind of happens. Let's turn every day into a day that we can love and appreciate each other and see what kind of world it can become.

/idealism off

Whew.. was getting kind of sappy there for a minute. Seriously, for four measly letters, love is a pretty misused word. The English language use of the word: Love covers so much ground, you almost need qualifiers to give it context. The notion of love that we focus on for Valentine's day is a commercialized romanticism. Being off the market, so to speak, has helped me shift my focus to a more filial definition. I want my kids to know a definition of love that isn't defined by the marketplace or mass media. Despite the best intentions of the PTO, I don't think they are doing anyone any favors in the self-esteem department by offering this service for valentine's day. Remember high school? Yeah... I hope your experience was better than mine. Not only did I not ever get any of the "pre-packaged" love from anyone, I was also too poor to manage to scrape up enough to let that girl know that I liked her... ANYHOW, now that I'm a daddy, I want my kids to know that they are loved, but not by the world's standards, but by God's standards... unconditionally. So I took the time to do Valentine's day my way... by not doing the PTO thing, but by hand delivering a special gift to them and reminding them that I don't just love them with roses and gifts, but with every thing I do for them. Did I succumb to Mass Marketing? Yeah, kinda, but I did it on my own terms.

One more story before I leave you. On Sunday, I was paged to the ER by a patient who requested a visit from the chaplain. When I got there, I met a guy who seemed to be perfectly healthy. He spun me a story about how he had been down and out, bouncing from town to town and how because he was pretty sick (he listed about 5 things that are terminally ill diseases), and how he basically didn't have anything, if I could help him out. I expected him to ask me if I could give him some money or food or something, but I was caught off guard by his request. "So," he said, "I was wondering if you might could help me track down my mother." He told me that his mom lived here in Abilene and that the last time he saw her, he had done wrong by her. It involved him lying to her and taking money from her and using it poorly. "I know she may not ever want to see me again, but I just want to make things right with her." Still expecting some sort of shakedown, I agreed to help him make some calls of names from the phone book. Amazingly, after a few calls based on some sketchy memories of where she lived and what name it might be under, he reached his mom. She agreed to pick him up after he was discharged. He thanked me and told me again his plan to try and make things up to her. I wished him the best and went on about my business. ----> today, I started my shift at the hospital and I had a note that a patient had requested a visit from *me*. When I got to the room, I discovered it was the guy from Sunday. We visited for a few minutes and he told me that the ER had called him to tell him that they had cultured his blood and he had some bad stuff they needed to treat right away... so he ended up back in the hospital after all. I asked how things went with his Mom. He smiled and told me that it was like heaven. I asked, "What do you mean?" He told me, "When she picked me up, she told me that she was only going to say it once... I'd better not lie to her. That is it. That is all she said about what happened before. I know I have to earn her trust back, but it is like it never happened. She wants to help me out. She is helping me get on SSI, she set me up with a room in her apartment. I don't deserve this, man." He went on to tell me about the few days they'd spent together and how, for him, it was overwhelming to be loved by his mother after he'd spent all this time thinking that she was angry with him and hated him for what he'd done. "I don't really care now, if i kick off, Chaplain. All that matters is that things are right now." That was the icing on my Valentine's day cake.

Score one for God's love being channelled through a parent. Happy V-day everyone

-jeff

Happy Anniversary!

Today is my 11th anniversary. I'm not the most romantic guy, but I try not to be a schlub, either. So, I just got off the phone with the florist. Why can't daisies be the flower of love? *sigh* Really, I don't mind spending the money on roses, after all, my baby is worth a bajillion roses to me, so dropping a little bit of money isn't the issue. Amelia wouldn't mind if I got her roses or daisies or alstromerias. But the point of getting roses is not to swoon over the roses. If that were the case, horticulturists all over the world would be swooning everyday. The point of getting roses is for *other people* to see you getting roses. Be honest, isn't getting flowers at work all about the display of affection? You want your co-workers to stop by your desk and ask, "Wow, who sent the roses?" The sender intends the presentation to be the actual gift to you. It makes you the center of attention all day. Sending roses is a public declaration that you are loved by another.

Truth be told, you don't have to look far to see that Amelia and I love each other. I don't mean that we are disgustingly affectionate in public. I just think that if you spend much time with us at all, you'd be able to see it in how we treat each other. We're consistently kind and respectful. We like to hold hands and talk to each other. We're considerate of each other and usually try to put the other person first. We talk about how our days went while we cook dinner and try not to "fix" things, but just listen. We share a common sense of humor and punnery, and after 11 years, we can even guess where the other person is going with a joke. We absolutely adore our children and feel that they are a blessing every day. Even when we get frustrated with parenting, we lean on each other for support and hand off the parental duties to the parent best suited to handle the situation.

For 11 years, I've tried to best her in Boggle (and failed). For 11 years, we've bookmarked the other's place in a book and tried to see who would finish it first. For 11 years, we've laughed and played and struggled and endured and loved and cried and celebrated and despaired and carried and birthed and slept and woken up together.

When I got married, I was clueless about how much fuller and richer my life would be. I couldn't imagine being able to love any more than the love I had for Amelia. Then we had Mary Hannah and my heart expanded to make room for the love I had for her. Then we had Ethan and I was amazed to learn that I could fully love my wife, fully love my daughter and fully love my son. I was running at 300% love production for my family. Then we had Eleanor. It was around this time that I learned a truth about love: Because God is love and God is infinite, love is infinite. If you can comprehend the love that flows from God and allow it to be the model for the love in your life, you will find that unlike physical things, bound by physical laws of space and time, it is literally possible to give away all the love you have and at the same time get it back ten fold.

That is why I can say that I try every day to give Amelia all my love, knowing that she will return it to me, refined and focused and fuller and more robust. That is what we have together. A deep, abiding, powerful and ever increasing love for each other.
That is the type of love that makes it a bit easier to endure when we have our low moments. Yes, we do argue (rarely). Sometimes I'm moody and sometimes she's out of sorts. But by and large, our good moments not only outnumber our bad moments, but they outshine them as well. When I think back over 11 years, I have a lifetime of great memories and stories and happy feelings... and it's only been 11 years.

So, if roses are for other people to see how much you love your spouse, then this letter is, in kind, a way to shout to the world that I love this woman. I love Amelia. Unabashedly, completely and without reservation. She is my soul-mate, my muse, my help and my partner. She is the mother of our children and the keeper of my heart. She motivates me to be better. She humbles me with her generous spirit. She soothes me when I'm upset and feeds me when I'm hungry. She brushes off my compliments when I tell her how beautiful she is, but she likes to get dolled up and go out when we have the occasion. She completes me. Amelia is a gift from God to help me be.

So today, 11 years later, I just want to proclaim to the world what I said in front of the crowd at our wedding: I love Amelia. She is my lover, my friend, my wife.