Contentment

A friend directed me toward another blog that spoke about contentment and it spurred some thoughts.  The blog is a neat one that I have seen before: ZenHabits.  It was interesting to read, from the author's perspective, what has brought him contentment in his life.  One thought that jumped out at me was, "Instead, learn to be content with the person you love, just as they are. This isn’t always easy, as we are usually trained (by our well-intentioned but never-satisfied parents, and others around us) to do just the opposite — to try to change people"  This caught my attention, because I have noted, in many therapy sessions, that one contributing factor to client's issues is unresolved issues from their family of origin.  In other words, I've seen plenty of adults and teens struggle with their self-worth because they felt like what they did was never good enough for their parents... or believing that it was their responsibility to make someone else happy... or trying to manage another person's feelings because they didn't want to be a disappointment to that other person... or.... you get the picture.

It made me ask myself if, as a parent, I encourage my children to embrace the changes that are happening to them naturally as they grow and develop while pushing and stretching them enough to help them learn to balance being content with who they are and trying to improve and better themselves.

I thought to myself, 'I'll work on trying to encourage my kids to acknowledge the changes that come their way every day; their body and brain development, school events and issues... etc and be accepting of who they are on the inside, which doesn't change.'  But that isn't true, is it?  Everything about us, inside and out, changes every day.  Every moment, really... but we aren't attuned to changes at that level.  The reality is that just as our outer self changes, so does our inner self.  Personality, core beliefs, values... they are all subject to change.  I am not the same person I was several years ago. 

So I am left with one of life's great mysteries: how do we walk the fine line of acknowledging and accepting personal change while reconciling accepting ourselves as we are and finding contentment?

THEN, my thoughts turned spiritual and I reflected that my journey with God has been one of constant change.  God loves me as I am, but is not content with keeping me as I am.  Instead, He works daily on shaping me and molding me and sometimes dragging me kicking and yelling to be more like Jesus.  It made me think that maybe contentedness, like happiness, is not a goal but a by product of godliness.  I thought of 1 Timothy 5:6, which says, "...godliness with contentment is great gain."  The passage there is referring more to money and possessions, but I think also speaks to our general sense of self-worth.

So, here is a letter of encouragement:

Dear child,
          I have loved you since before you were born.  Your arrival in my life marks a time of great joy for me.  I delight in you every day as I watch you and love you.  I want you to know that I understand that your life journey is going to include times of difficulty and struggle, but your struggling with difficult events, situations and people does not diminish my love for you.  In fact, a person's ability to adapt and change should be encouraged.  Different situations will call for different responses and thinking that there is only one way to do something will only lead to frustration when that 'one way' does not generate the results you want.  As a loving parent, so often, I just want to tell you how to do things my way... the way that seems right to me, from my perspective.  Truthfully, I've figured out a lot of situations and I wish that sometimes you would ask me for help, but I want to respect your ability to learn and grow for yourself, so I try to guide you in less intrusive ways.  I believe that a good parent should spend a lot of time teaching and guiding, and I've tried... but sometimes our viewpoints have clashed and you don't see things my way... at first.  As you grow and develop, I know that one area you'll have to figure out is how to be your own person while remaining connected to your first identity, which was as a member of a family.
I hope you'll be able to love how you look, knowing that beauty is more than just your body's appearance.
I hope you'll be able to be confident that you are worth having as a friend and not take others' inability to see it bring you down.
I hope you'll learn sooner, rather than later, that it is okay to want a thing but when you convince yourself that you need a thing, that 'need' gains power over you.
I hope that you will strive for godliness and, in doing so, will come to discover that happiness and contentment will follow when you seek to deepen your relationship with me.

love eternally,
your Heavenly Father.

Do you see what I see?

Dear ______________,

I'm glad that you seem to be doing better. I enjoyed our talk today. It appears to me that you've been doing a lot of thinking about where you are and your choices and how you've reacted to things that have happened to you. I can only imagine the frustration that you feel right now, stuck in the place that you've landed. You told me that you didn't intend to end up here, but nonetheless, here you are. I asked you where you wanted to be and you didn't have an answer, or maybe you just didn't want to share that with me just yet. That's okay. As long as we keep talking, I'm sure we'll get there.

One thing confuses me, though, and I hope you can help me understand it a bit better. You seem angry about your circumstances, also a little hopeless. You mentioned that you just take life one day at a time, and react to what happens to you. I asked you about what your plans were, so that you could be more proactive and you told me that it was no use planning for things because you can't control the bad stuff that happens and it just ruins your plans anyhow. It made me sad to see that you have gotten caught in a self-fulfilling cycle. It goes like this: "I shouldn't make any plans for the future because too much can happen that would ruin my plans." Then something unexpected happens and you don't have any plans in place to mitigate the effect on you, which reinforces your belief that it does no good to plan for the future...

I can understand that from your perspective, my assertion that a lack of planning can equal an inability to dream, to see the myriad possibilities in front of you. When I told you that if you chose differently, that the outcome would be different, that probably seemed like I was talking gobbledygook.

It is like this, I feel like you are in a canyon, a ravine. You're standing at the bottom of it, seeing only two options: forward or backward. Door 1 or Door 2, each with consequences that keep you in the ravine. I'm up top, on a plain (kind of like West Texas, where you can see for miles in any direction). I call down to you and we talk about choices, but all you can see is what is in the ravine. I look around at 360 different directions I can take, choices I can make and wonder why you feel so limited. That's not really fair now, is it?

I understand why you feel so trapped. You have a need for others to see you as something. If you don't give in to the pressure from your peers, your family, you will be seen as... weak? untrustworthy? a wimp?

But what if the answer to your frustration, to your feeling stuck and trapped in your lifestyle was not forward or backward, but upward? What if you trusted me, the voice from above, who has a different perspective? You've got the basic ingredients already in the pot: discontent with where you are... motivation to change... new responsibilities that are helping you see beyond yourself to the interests of others... and you're beginning to see that when you are faced with the pressure to do something, you ALWAYS have the choice to NOT do something. I hope you can trust that I'm watching over you and I'm as close as a prayer when you need help. Despite what you've endured, I haven't forgotten you. I haven't forsaken you. My deepest desire is to open your eyes to the truth that with me, all things are possible.

Love, God.

Magic glasses

Dear _____________,

While I was talking to you today, my heart hurt for you. You told me about all the things that were troubling you. You were scared and worried and overwhelmed. Despite your past experience of having lived through plenty of other hard situations, you doubted that you would come through this one.

It wasn't just one thing weighing you down, it was a series of misfortunes, as if Life had conspired to dump trouble upon trouble all at once in your life. All my reassurances fell on deaf ears. You weren't able to accept the viewpoint I was offering: hope, empathy and comfort. Things won't always be this way, I told you. But anxiety and worry drowned out my words to you.

You probably still can't accept it, but I wish that I could give you a glimpse of what I see in you. I wish there were magic glasses that I could let you borrow that would allow you to see yourself as I see you. I know your story, tales of resilience and overcoming impossible odds. Negativity has clouded your remembering, but I know the truth: you've made it through some pretty tough times, and you've done it with grace and dignity. You're stronger now that you used to be and yet you still listen to that doubting voice inside you that tells you that you're not good enough and that you deserve what is happening in your life.

If you could put on these magic glasses and see in you what I see in you, your self-doubt would evaporate like the morning vapors as the sun begins to warm the earth. I'm not being overly positive here, I've seen you handle adversity. There is a part of you that is capable of making those tough decisions and dealing with the outcome. There is a part of you that rises to each challenge. I won't pretend that it has always been easy, but the fact is that you are here and that you are surrounded by the evidence of your triumph thus far. So I wonder how you were duped into believing that what you are facing now is insurmountable.

With magic glasses, your self-confidence would be restored. Not an arrogance, just a surety that you are capable and resilient. I think these magic glasses would help you to see not just yourself as you really are, but it would help you keep the right things in perspective. You see, those voices that crowd you and try to shout you down are there for a reason. They serve a purpose; to help you and protect you from being hurt. But they've taken on more than their appointed role. They're trying to make your decisions for you, trying to force you to act out of your worry and anxiety. These glasses would help you to appreciate their input, but help you to understand that they don't have all the information.

Maybe that is why I can imagine having these glasses, these magic lenses that magnify your strength and beauty; because I don't have the voices of self-doubt to interpret what I'm seeing in life. I wonder, though, if you could imagine borrowing my glasses. Would you be able to see yourself differently? Would it make a difference in your life?

I remember the words of Winnie the Pooh to Christopher Robbin:
"If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”

Here is the secret; the magic that powers the glasses that allows me to see the strength in you is similar to the bond between Pooh and Christopher Robbin. It is relationship. But while theirs is a fictional story, it mirrors the reality of my relationship with you. I know that you have that strength and beauty in there because that is how I made you. When I breathed the breath of life in you, I placed a piece of myself in there. It may be true that you couldn't make it.... on your own... but if you could only see the YOU I see... it contains a part of ME, so I know that it contains all it needs to overcome the world, because I've already done it for you.

I love you.
-God