What Iron Man teaches us about Boundaries

 I often have the occasion to explore the concept of emotional boundaries with therapy clients.

It is understandable that when someone experiences a traumatic event, we self-protect by quickly erecting rigid and strong boundaries. These reactions to our trauma are understandable. However, those boundaries often stick around after their initial helpfulness and become burdensome. Rigid and inflexible boundaries make sense to keep bad things out, but they also keep good things out and limit our flexibility to respond to new situations.

To explain this concept, I sometimes use the Marvel Cinematic Universe’s version of Iron Man, the superhero as an example. In his first appearance in Iron Man (2008), after being kidnapped and tortured, Tony Stark cobbles together whatever is available to him to make his first suit of armor. It is unwieldy and bulky, but effective at protecting him long enough to escape.

Mark I armor


After he recovers, he is inspired to refine his armor, creating the next version that upgrades it significantly. He adds repulsor technology that lets him fly and an AI computer that allows him to respond quickly to other threats. I point out to my clients that in this analogy, Tony Stark seems outwardly confident and capable. However, for all his intelligence, he seems to be driven by anxiety and fear that he could be hurt again and be powerless to stop it, so he keeps developing new armors.

Mark II armor Adds flight, AI, Weapons

However, Tony learns that for all of his upgrades, it has a big flaw… it would freeze up in high altitudes. This allows his enemy to almost defeat him in the first movie. In later versions of his armor in later movies, he designs his next versions to cover that flaw, as seen by how he can now fly into space without his armor freezing.


By the end of the first movie, he’s already on version III of his armor. By Iron Man 2 (2010), we see his Mark IV armor and we can tell that Tony has recovered a bit because his armor is not just something he dons to protect himself, but he wants to wear it all the time (he even installs a feature that takes care of his… biological functions… so he doesn’t have to take it off). His Mark V armor adds portability so he can have access to his armor even when he is not close to his home base. In therapy I point out that as we become comfortable with our rigid boundaries, we may start to want to live within them so much that it gives us a false sense of security. Tony begins to design better suits to handle new threats and new situations. Subsequent versions of his armor incorporate upgrades. For instance, after his fight with Whiplash, where the electrical feedback overwhelms the armor, his Mark VI armor is more durable and shielded from electricity when we see him tussle with Thor and his armor takes a lightning strike from Mjolnir and redirects it.

In Iron Man 3 (2013), Tony’s armors (unhealthy boundaries) create problems for his relationship with Pepper. He continues to be driven by his anxiety to create better and better armor with more and more capabilities. But the fallout is that his reliance on his armor is what begins to define him (“I am… Iron Man”) He creates the Iron Legion (35 different armors for different situations) and even creates a version that he can control remotely and use to protect others that he feels compelled to protect. The armor is effective at protecting him physically, but his emotions leave him exposed and he cannot appreciate that vulnerability.

We often believe that vulnerability is weakness. However, when vulnerability is honored… when we can be appropriately vulnerable and the person/people honor our vulnerability and respect it, that same vulnerability can generate incredible closeness and trust. Properly navigated, vulnerability is the birthplace of intimacy, creativity and connection (Thanks, Brene Brown!) Tony finally begins to learn the flaws in his “I want to build a suit of armor around the world” philosophy that leads to his creation of Ultron, the big bad villain of the Avengers: Age of Ultron movie. He builds a team and starts to learn to trust others to be his team, his partners and he begins to find balance in using his armor (boundaries) when needed and using his other strengths to navigate situations that don’t require armor.

In Captain America: Civil War (2016), we learn that Tony has been doing a lot of soul searching to work on his emotional issues and the central theme of the movie is played out in Tony’s overreaching anxiety that leads him to try and control everything around him, polarizing his friends and teammates into opposing ideologies. However, it is Black Panther that manages to work through his grief and anger at the death of his father who has the most character growth in this movie.

In Avengers: Infinity War and Endgame, we finally get to see Tony learning to trust his teammates and open up to Pepper and although he still has some tendencies (stubbornness and overconfidence in his ego strength) that are troublesome, he has developed armor (Mark L) that is lightweight and flexible and based on nanotechnology. It is adaptable and versatile and most of all, he is able to use it when needed and he relies on his many other resources to navigate all of the movie’s troubles. This is the goal of boundaries. Not to limit how others can approach you (they’ll figure out ways to circumvent your boundaries if they can). Not to dictate how others should behave or control them. Boundaries give space to go about learning to have confidence in yourself and trust that you are powerful, versatile and able to respond as needed to just about any situation. Our world doesn’t become less dangerous or able to hurt us because we have boundaries, we become stronger and more capable to navigate in helpful and appropriate ways.


Anyhow, I hope this extended analogy is helpful to expand the concept of healthy boundaries.


-Jeff

WFG?

My mom says she doesn't remember this story, but I do*.

When I was about 12 or 13, we were living in Lubbock and I was just entering the youth group at our church.  I'd spent my whole life being a middle child, which often meant that if the older kids got to do something cool, I was one of the younger ones.  If the younger ones got to be spoiled a bit, I was counted as among the older three... at least it felt that way to me.  So, entering the Jr. High youth group meant that I could participate in youth events that my older sisters couldn't do (being high schoolers) and that my younger sisters weren't old enough for!  Yay!

One Sunday afternoon, a spontaneous youth event was forming for the Jr. High kids: a group trip to the dollar movies.  This was in the early 90's when dollar movies only cost.... $1!  and a $5 bill could get you into the show with coke and popcorn and maybe even a candy.  As soon as the evening worship services concluded, I raced from the area where the youth were sitting to find my mom and beg her to let me go.  I'd already arranged a ride to the theater and a ride home afterward.  All I needed was permission... and some money.

I found mom and pestered her until I had her attention and started to plead my case.  "Please, mom..."  I explained the logistics and waited for her response.  That is when I noticed the look on her face.  Now that I'm a parent, I understand much better what may have been going through her mind.  I am now in the phase of life where my role as parent is mostly an ATM and Taxi driver.  If I'm not working or doing something for upkeep at the house, I'm probably dropping off, picking up, resupplying, shuttling and checking on my teens and their activities and social lives.  It can be exhausting.  Thinking back, I remember that look on mama's face.  It started off as a "no" but quickly softened to a mental sigh and then a resigned, "ok, fine".  All in the span of a second.
Mom opened her purse and pulled out a billfold.  She bypassed the empty compartment where paper bills briefly resided every payday.  Tucked back behind medical cards and other wallet debris, she pulled out a carefully folded $5 bill.
I somehow knew in that moment that I shouldn't have asked.  That $5 bill represented money that she'd set aside for sometime when she wanted to grab lunch out instead of taking a bag lunch.  It may have been a 'rainy day' fund for when she wanted to splurge on a well deserved treat that moms don't want to share with greedy offspring.  Whatever it was intended for, she was about to re-purpose it.  "Here, Jeff."  she offered me the bill.
I backpedaled.  "Oh, mom.  It's okay.  I don't need to go to the movies.  I can go next time."
"Jeff, take it."
"Mom, really, you keep it.  I'll hang out with some other friends."
"Jeff..."
I continued to protest until she moved in close and stared at me, hard.  "Jeffrey!" she said, commandingly.  I looked into her softening face and she said, "Part of grace is letting people be gracious to you.  Take the money and go have a good time."

I have had several of my therapy clients this week express their difficulty in allowing others to help them, or even asking for help when they obviously are in need of some kindness.  There seems to be a feeling of positivity that we attach to helping others that is only matched by the weird shame we seem to attach to needing help.  We somehow create a false dichotomy with this idea that some people are helpers and others are the ones who need help when in truth, we are both.

What we somehow fail to realize is that in order for there to be opportunity for ME to help another person, there needs to be another person who is willing to ask for and accept my help.  It is a curious thing to note that when we place a positive judgement on ourselves when we help others (and rightly so, as it is a good thing to help others) we also manage to place a negative judgement on whomever is the help-ee.  We weirdly manage to tie our self-worth into being in a position to help while somehow needing to avoid being in need of help.  Silly humans.

In summing up her own narrative of learning to accept help, a client managed to say in three words what has taken me 15 minutes to type out.  She finally accepted the help offered to her by a friend by simply asking herself, "Why fight grace?"

Why fight grace?

Good question.

And now, as you have need, may you position yourself to receive what those who love you so desperately want to offer: Grace.  Help.  Kindness.  Relief.  And may you know in that moment that God is loving you through these people.

Always happy to help
-Jeff

*my recollection of this event may have been embellished for storytelling purposes. :)

Unanswerable questions

What do *you* do when someone asks you a question to which there is no good answer?

"Do these jeans make my butt look big?"

"Why didn't you take the trash out like I told you?"

"How could you hurt me like that?"

Wow, that escalated quickly.  The 1st question is a toughie... we don't want to hurt the other person with our answer and if they asked the question in the first place they are unlikely to accept any answer we would give anyhow.

The 2nd question isn't really a question.  It is an expression of the speaker's own disappointment, wrapped up in a question format.  Think about it.  The truth could be that the trash didn't get taken out because you were figuring out the cure for cancer but it wouldn't matter because what the speaker was really saying was, "I expected you to do what I told you and you didn't and now I'm hurt and disappointed and I'm blaming my feelings on you."  No answer would be good enough, just take the trash out.

The 3rd question though...
It is a different level.  It expresses not just the speaker's hurt and disappointment.  It indicates that a relationship has been damaged.  Trust may have been broken.  There is no good answer to that question. "How could you hurt me like that?"
"How could you hurt me?"
"How could you?"
"How?"
Sometimes when we've been hurt, we can't even get the whole question out.  It seemed unthinkable before it became known.  We couldn't even have imagined that person could do that.  Our disbelief and hurt is based on a faulty assumption.  It goes something like this:  If (person) really loved me, they would never do (behavior).  Ipso facto, if (person) does (behavior) they don't really love me.  Ergo, they never really loved me, therefore our whole relationship has been a lie.  I believed the lie, therefore, I'm a fool.

Yes, you are a fool.  Love is a foolish emotion.  In order for it to happen, we have to take the risk that we can be vulnerable with a person by caring about them and feeling cared for and hope that the other person will handle that risky choice with respect.  But they don't always do a good job with that task.  In fact, for a variety of reasons, the other person just may not handle that trust well.  And that brings us back to the unanswerable question: "How could you hurt me like that?"

The truth is that it is possible to love another person but behave in ways that are devaluing.  However, we cannot continue to behave in ways that devalue the other person and expect that they are going to continue to believe that we love them.

In couples therapy, I often run into situations where there are competing definitions of what it means to "love".  I may hear him say, "I wake up every day trying to put a smile on her face and show her how much I love her.  I'd walk a thousand miles to show her that."  Her reply, "I didn't *ask* you to walk a thousand miles.  I just want you to do a load of laundry!"  What looks like love to one person doesn't always line up with the other's view of love.  Lots of people have attempted to encompass the ineffable definition of love. Gary Chapman gave it a go with his Five Love Languages.  I use his framework frequently, but there is still more to be said.

Love is a feeling.
Love is a choice.
Love is action.
Love is ..... (fill in your favorite way to describe love)

Problem is, although we have overlapping definitions, the areas where things don't overlap cause problems.  I've adopted a definition of love from Everett Worthington Jr. from his book, Hope Focused Marriage Counseling:

Love is valuing the other person and refusing to devalue the other person.

I love this definition because it encompasses the understanding that we can say (or feel like) we love the other person, but if we aren't demonstrating it through our behaviors (in active and passive ways), it isn't really complete.

May you learn to value others and refuse to devalue them.  May you find the answer to the unanswerable questions.  And may you discover in the process that part of the answer lies in questioning our assumptions and finding ways to ask different questions.

Counterintuitive

Sometimes I run across ideas that don't seem to make much sense on the surface, but they have deeper truths that reveal themselves later.  They seem to run counter to conventional wisdom and require me to give some thought to them, so I call them "counter-intuitive".  Today's counter-intuitive idea came from a Facebook post by the straightforward thinker and TV personality Mike Rowe (https://www.facebook.com/TheRealMikeRowe/posts/1916686088341525).  While the entire post is well worth a read, here is the part that jumped out to me:

"Failure was simply viewed as the most common symptom of trying. Consequently, the more I tried, the more I failed. The more I failed, the more I succeeded. The more I succeeded, the more confident I became."

For many of us, 'failure' is a bad thing.  It is associated with a sense of inadequacy, with shame or with uncomfortable feelings.  Because of this, our brains begin to associate 'failure' with 'bad' and we learn to avoid not only actual failure, but anything associated with failure.  You know, like, effort and trying.  After all, if I don't try, I can't fail. See?  This can snowball into other's perceiving us as 'lazy' and cowardly, but somehow, those things are more tolerable than feeling like a failure.

Wait.  There it is.  The subtle, but powerful, distinction.  *Being* a failure vs. failing.  As Mike Rowe indicated, when we fail.... when failure is an action, an outcome of trying something... something outside of us, it is possible to learn from it.  To grow from failure.  In this sense, when I try and fail, it is feedback.  It is experience that I can use to change my attitude, my behavior, my intention as I try again and move closer to success.  Far from being a bad thing, failure is an *essential* thing for me to experience.  When we internalize failure, we begin to see it not as something that often happens when we try something.  We think that failure is something that we *are*.  Can you understand the powerful difference between thinking, "I *am* a failure." vs. "I tried something and failed at it."?

I'm thankful for people like Mike Rowe, who can succinctly remind me to think differently about failure.  I'm thankful that I can think more deeply about what it means to fail and learn that failure, far from being a bad thing, is an essential thing to my success.

And now, may you find failure, and in failing, may you find that you are successful.  In feeling successful, my you try and fail and try some more and in the process discover that you are powerful beyond belief.

-Jeff

Word Power

There is a phenomenon known as the Michelangelo Effect, named for the renaissance artist who was reported to have described his work saying, "In every block of marble I see a statue as plain as though it stood before me, shaped and perfect in attitude and action.  I have only to hew away the rough walls that imprison the lovely apparition to reveal it to the other eyes as mine see it."

I hold the same opinion about relationships.  There is a generally accepted notion in psychotherapy that you can't change others, you can only change yourself.  While this is generally true, I think that it ignores the power of relationship.  What I mean is that when we are in a significant relationship with another human, it is possible that our mutual influence on each other will have a transformative effect.  It is, of course, possible that despite the significant relationship we share, our influence may prove ineffectual in motivating another to change.  How do we maximize our influence?

I believe part of the answer lies in how we perceive others.  Research indicates that we begin to form our self-image, how we think about and consider ourselves, by the way that others treat us in our very young years.  Ideally, loving parents and adults would help shape a baby... a toddler, a child's view of him or herself as worthy, capable, valued and unique.  However, I've facilitated enough therapy sessions to know that all too often, we pick up other messages from our tender years.

Let me offer this word for your consideration today:

Corrigible

You have probably heard it's antonym, 'incorrigible', used to describe someone who is a miscreant, unredeemable and not worth your time.  Or possibly, you've heard someone tease another by saying, "Oh, you bad boy... you are incorrigible!"  Outside of obscure texts, I don't think I've seen or heard 'corrigible' used in everyday conversation.  This is a shame, in my opinion, because it should be the foundation of healthy relationships.  Corrigible means: capable of being corrected, set right, or reformed.  When we are able to view others as corrigible, it transforms our relationships from inflexible, unyielding prisons of habit and patterns of behavior and attitude and turns them into a place where when you mess up, you can own up to the mistake and work on improvement.  When we do the opposite, when we view others as incorrigible, we relegate relationships to brokenness, disappointment and, eventually, disposal.  And then we jump from relationship to relationship seeking something outside ourselves that is whole and healthy and not broken, when the truth is that what needs to be fixed most is how we see others.

May you learn to shake off the lie that your past defines you and may you begin to see yourself as someone who is open to correction and able to improve... and in doing so, learn to value yourself and others in a whole new way.  May you be corrigible.

note: crossposted from www.youneedacounselor.com

Decide, don't slide

The first time I heard this phrase, I thought it sounded silly.  A simple rhyme devised on the fly to help someone remember a concept, but maybe a little too silly and not clever enough.  Over the years though, I haven’t come up with a better way to help explain and remember such an empowering idea.   There is something mighty about the conviction that I am able to make a decision and feel assured that I can manage the consequences.  That silly phrase, “Decide, don’t slide” helps me realize the power of that conviction.

We make decisions daily, but not all are equal.  Some have more weight than others.  What to eat for breakfast vs. where to go to college are very different decisions.  The amount of energy and focus put into the heavy decisions will be important whereas some decisions don’t merit much thought.  However, one long term effect of having a good decision making process is that we build confidence in our ability to not only decide but also to handle the consequences of our decisions.  That is where this phrase “Decide, don’t slide” is helpful.

Many decisions are unconscious decisions that get made by default.  By not consciously acting on information (making a decision), we are in effect, deciding not to decide about something.  For instance, many decisions are ‘made for us’ when we don’t pay attention to deadlines.  A habitual procrastinator, I have frequently fretted about a looming deadline, telling myself all of the lies   

procrastinators espouse: I work better under pressure; I’m better at impromptu; I’ll have time later… As the deadlines approach and then zoom by, we might experience some relief that we are no longer pressured mixed with some regret for not having stepped up.This is a scary precedent that we set.  This is what is meant by “sliding”.  Many of us slide through life without realizing that we are missing out on an important part of developing our own character and self-image.  When we slide, we may have the advantage of complaining that we are victims of our circumstances.  While this may be accurate because there are many situations that affect us which are beyond our control or influence, it is not very helpful.   Victimhood is an assumption of powerlessness.  On the other hand, we may possibly end up where we want to be by sheer luck.  In the long run, I believe that many people who get stuck in ‘sliding’ through life at some point look up and look around them and finally ask themselves, “How the hell did I end up here?” 

In contrast, people who are able to decide are at least able to look around and know with assurance that they are where they are because they chose to be there.  Depending on where that is, it may not be pleasant.  It may be divorced, or incarcerated, or it could be educated and empowered and self-sufficient.  But along the way, I’d be willing to bet that the person who is able to “decide” at least has a powerful character trait: self-determination.  I repeat, there is something mighty about the conviction that I am able to make a decision and feel assured that I can manage the consequences.  If I have this ability, even if the consequences are a hard lesson, I can always make another decision to course-correct if I need to.   For a ‘decider’, there are no good or bad decisions, just decisions that help or decisions that hinder.  Setting and working toward goals are part of the process, but decisions are the action steps that get us to where we want to be rather than ending up someplace and wondering how we got there.

This little, silly phrase has helped me understand my poor habit, but also empowered me to take control of my outcomes, responsibility for my decisions and ultimately, feel good about myself because I am learning to trust the decision making process as I make continual course corrections.   

And now, may you decide today that you want to have some say over where you end up.  This decision will not only affect where you end up, but how you get there.  Decide today to enjoy the journey. 

The Blame Game: there is no winner

So often it is the case that when a person feels the emotion ANGER and exhibits angry behaviors (aggression, yelling, blaming), what is really happening is that they are experiencing some other uncomfortable emotion (by this, I mean a feeling that they do not enjoy having such as embarrassment, fear, shame, guilt, hurt, abandonment, etc).  Being unable to handle the uncomfortable feeling, a person is likely to COVER IT UP by choosing to feel ANGRY.  Anger is much easier to handle and usually results in distracting from the real emotion by escalating a situation to where it is necessary to address the angry behavior and the uncomfortable feeling can be overlooked by others OR allowing the individual to feel more powerful and capable by bullying others with angry behaviors so that others don't hold the individual accountable.

When I teach ANGER MANAGEMENT classes, one of the points I stress is that when a person is emotionally competent, he/she can verbalize and deal with uncomfortable emotions without using ANGER to cover up his/her real feelings.

Unfortunately, we are so accustomed to blaming others or situations for our angry feelings, it is difficult for people to see the truth: we are each responsible for our own feelings and behaviors.

I want to focus the rest of this post on one aspect of the ANGER issue: BLAME.  Blame is especially toxic because it pulls participants in and traps them, preventing healing or recovery.

The BLAME CYCLE:

Person A chooses to feel hurt, but being unable to express/deal with it -leading to- Person A tells Person B, "You hurt me." (a blaming statement)

Person B, not at all wanting to be responsible for Person A's feelings, gets defensive and either denies complicity or chooses to be angry and responds with angry behavior, thereby justifying Person A's feelings.  Either way, Person B, through words or actions, exhibits blame back on Person A.

One other possible outcome is that Person B has weak ego strength and accepts blame, but far from being able to handle it, wallows in self pity, which is equally unhelpful.

Neither outcome invites Person B (or Person A for that matter) to accept responsibility and change the outcome.  Rather, BLAME invites Defensiveness which escalates to ANGER and feeds into more BLAME.

So, how do you get out of the BLAME CYCLE?  It is straightforward, but difficult.
1) Accept your own complicity / collusion in the cycle and resolve to do something different.
2) Get rid of blaming language and behavior
3) Only state how you are feeling about a situation without commenting on the other's motives or beliefs.  Don't be a mind reader.  You don't KNOW what someone else is thinking or feeling.
4) Recognize that it is a process that takes time to re-program a communication pattern.
5) Learn to recognize the underlying emotions behind your anger and learn to express your feelings without blaming.

Here is a sample of a session with an adolescent who is hurt because his/her father did not follow through on a promise to attend an event.  Note that the Youth has been pre-trained by experience and society to fall back on Blaming behavior to explain what he/she is feeling.

Youth: Here is something we can talk about: I'm mad at my father.
Therapist: You feel anger toward your father?
Youth: Yes, he promised to come to my event, which I told him about a month ago and he said he would come.  Yesterday, he told me that he couldn't come, and it is tomorrow.
Therapist: You feel like he is breaking a promise to you.
Youth: Yeah.  He's done it before, but I know he could come if he wanted to.  I mean, he is the manager and when I've been visiting with him, he sometimes takes off in the afternoons when he wants to.
Therapist: It has been my experience that when people think that they are angry about something, that there is usually a deeper emotion underneath that anger.  What feeling word or words would you say are behind the anger?
Youth: I don't know.  Sad.  Mad.
Therapist: How about... hurt?
Youth: Yeah!  It hurts that he doesn't want to see me.  Dads should want to come and be proud of their kids and stuff.
Therapist: It hurts because...
Youth: Because... because it feels like other things are more important to him than I am.
Therapist: You feel devalued.
Youth: Yeah.

**At this point, the therapist has helped the Youth to identify and express the underlying emotion that is covered up by being angry.  Now, the therapist will coach the Youth on how to express it in a healthy way**

Therapist: I think it is good that you are able to express how you are really feeling.  Some people just get angry and do hurtful things, like punch walls and say ugly things that they can't take back.  What do you think would be a good way to share how you feel with your Dad?
Youth: I don't think I could say any of that stuff to him.  Maybe I could write him a letter and tell him that I'm disappointed that he lied to me about coming to my event.
Therapist: If you were a parent and you got a letter from your child like that, how would you feel?
Youth: ... bad, I guess, but he should feel bad for lying to me.
Therapist: I don't disagree with you, but I have found that if we can share our feelings without blaming others for them, the other person is more likely to respond without getting angry back at us.
Youth: What do you mean?  I don't get it.
Therapist: I think it is a good idea to express how you are feeling, but think about this, if you are basically going to tell him, "I'm mad at you because you lied to me", do you think he is more likely or less likely to try and defend himself and come up with some excuse for his behavior?
Youth: More likely
Therapist: Okay, so I've usually experienced that when someone gets defensive, the best defense is a good offense and they usually get angry back.  So, I'm just saying that if we can stick to talking about how YOU feel, instead of blaming him for making you feel that way, he is less likely to get defensive about it and remain open to hearing what you have to say.
Youth: Okay.  How do I say it then?
Therapist: How about something like: "I was excited when you told me you could come to my event and I was disappointed when I found out that you weren't going to be able to make it.  Part of me feels like if you really wanted to, you would find a way to make it.  I know you are busy, but when you chose other things before me, it feels like I am less important to you.  I would like to feel like I am important to you."
Youth: But isn't that still blaming him?
Therapist: I know it sounds similar, but by only stating the situation and how YOU feel about it, you lessen the chance that he will get defensive and by using gracious language like, "I know you are busy" and "it feels like" instead of accusing him of doing something to purposely hurt you, it doesn't make him responsible for how you are feeling.  Stating what you want from him allows him to accept responsibility for his actions and choose to start behaving differently.

***********
Now, I know that it is highly possible and even probable that the Youth's father will feel bad or ashamed or even guilty and that he will not respond to the Youth's invitation to step up and behave differently.  That would be unfortunate, but it would not be because the Youth didn't do her best.  Of course relationships are complex and it helps if both parties are interested in becoming emotionally healthy individuals.  The bottom line is that when even when it is justified, BLAME doesn't help.  It only encourages defensiveness and reciprocal anger.  Note also, that BLAMING is different from helping a person to accept responsibility.  They sound like the same thing, but they carry different connotations.

Feedback?  Questions?  email or comment!

-jeff

Listen and learn

There is an old saying, "God gave us two ears and only one mouth so that we will listen twice as much as we talk."  I don't know who originally came up with that, but in my experience, it is good advice.

I frequently get to observe the communication process between individuals in a relationship and I am almost always intrigued to discover what their interactions reveal about their relationship.  It doesn't matter what the nature of the relationship is, marriage partners, parent-child, friend, boss-employee... all behavior is communication and it is very revealing if you know what to look for.


When a relationship is in conflict, research indicates that having conflict itself is not an indicator of the health of the relationship, but how each individual conducts themselves in the midst of conflict is a strong predictor of the stability and health of the relationship.  People who have a high positive regard for each other tend to be able to have conflict and still like each other because they aren't cruel to each other during the conflict.  They can disagree without being disagreeable.

Too often, the communication patterns I witness are locked in a pattern where the same arguments are made over and over and the conversation never goes anywhere, except to reinforce the hurt that each individual feels.  I try to coach individuals who are stuck in a situation where there is no traction that they need to spend less attention on what is being said and more attention listening to how it is being said.

Being attentive to the emotions of the other person is a miracle communication tool.  When a person feels like they are being heard and understood, they feel valued.  Conversely, when in an argument and we are more focused on making sure that the other person sees how right our viewpoint is... it is easy for the other person to feel less valued because they don't feel heard or understood.

Daughter: I feel like I have to always walk on eggshells at home because I never know how Mom is going to react.

Mom: She says that I overreact and don't talk to her for weeks, but she ignores the fact that I still do her laundry, I still cook for her, I still work to pay the bills for her computer and her cell phone.  How is that ignoring her?  I give her plenty of opportunities for her to come and talk, but she is always walking away.

 In the above snippet, the daughter is expressing how she feels, putting the mom on the defensive.  Because Mom is more attuned to her hurt feelings, she is unable to acknowledge and validate her daughter's viewpoint.  To be fair, the daughter is doing the same thing (thus the traction-less cycle they are in), but I don't expect the child to be more capable than the adult of being able to control her emotions, it is something I try to teach the parent before I work on the child.  So, I challenge the mom: "Right now, don't focus on whether you agree or disagree with what your daughter is saying, just try to reflect what you think she is feeling.  You may not agree with her, but right now it is more important that she feels that you understand her."  I ask the daughter to restate her last statement

Daughter: Sometimes it feels like no matter what I say or do, you overreact.  I feel like I can't tell you anything because nothing is ever good enough for you.

Mom: (bristling) What do you want me to say to that?  She is just attacking me again!

Jeff: What do you think she is feeling?

Mom: (sighing) She feels like she can't talk to me because I overreact.

Jeff: That is what is happening.  What do you think she might be feeling?

Mom: I don't know?  Hurt?  Frustrated?  Lonely?

Jeff: Okay, how about asking her if she feels those things because of the situation...

Mom: (thinking about the phrasing...) Okay... so... You feel hurt because when you tell me stuff, I blow it out of proportion.  I can see how that could be frustrating.

Daughter: Yeah, it is.  I mean, I used to be able to talk to you about lots of stuff, but lately it seems like you are just looking for something to yell at me about.

And the mom is stunned that her daughter hasn't completely shut down again.  The previous exchange shows how reflecting a person's feelings can help to break the blame and defensiveness cycle and gain some traction in the conversation.  It allows the conversation to move forward. 

It sounds pretty easy, but in practice it is a difficult thing to do, to ignore the gut reaction to respond and tell the person why they are wrong.  Instead, if we can push that instinct back and instead, try to reflect what the other person is feeling, it breaks the cycle of devaluing language and behavior and invites the other person to feel like they are being heard and understood, giving the communication process traction to move forward.

Give it a try and let me know how it goes!

-jeff

A little consideration, please...

Few things are more satisfying than seeing your children have teenagers of their own.
Doug Larson

I spend a good deal of my professional time interacting with parents and their teens.  One issue that has popped up recently is the struggle between parents and teens: Teens say they want more independence, freedom and to be seen as adults and parents say that they want their kids to show responsibility, respect and evidence that they can handle more independence.  

From the parents' perspective, all the signs are evident that the kid just isn't ready: 

Comes home late - check

Spends more time with friends than with family - check

Refuses to open up to parents about details of the day - check

Most often heard words include: whatever, fine!, just leave me alone, ...but I....

Says they will help out more around the house, but needs constant nagging/supervision. - check

From the teen's perspective, all the signs are there to show the world that they are ready to be adults: 

Holding down a job AND a decent GPA at school - check

Picks up his/her own room without being told - check

Has a checking/savings account - check

Pays for own cell phone - check

The complaint I hear coming from parents usually has something to do with what I call parental anxiety.  Parental anxiety is activated when our children display their lack of consideration for their families (especially their parents).  For instance, the teen is supposed to be either at school, at work, or home at specified times.  When the teen fails to show up, or check in, or even text, parental anxiety is activated.  Parental thinking may include any one of (or mixture of) the following: 

*I'm worried... my child could be hurt or in danger

*I'm annoyed... this is just the latest example of a lack of respect for my time and abusing the privilege of having a car/job

*My child is too lazy/inconsiderate/disrespectful  to follow the rules and call 

*My child ALWAYS does this... he/she knows it will make me upset and he/she is doing it on purpose.

Many parents have valid and legitimate issues with their teen... it is rude and inconsiderate.  If it is an ongoing problem that has been addressed before, it may be seen as disrespectful even.  However, it is helpful to keep in mind that if a parent approaches their teen with that perspective, they will invite defensiveness, possible withdrawal and even angry behavior in return.  Even when they are accurate and justifiable, blaming attitudes rarely help resolve issues.  

It may be helpful for parents to remember that, as adults, we have had years to learn to be considerate of others.  It probably started for us in our late teens or early twenties... the romantic relationships that were so important that we had to start taking into account what the other person liked and disliked.  In those exclusive relationships, we suddenly had to learn to take another person's preferences into account when planning our weekends.  You remember that phase of courtship, right?  Our sense of being considerate of another only got stronger when we actually married someone... now there was another human being who has emotional, social and legal claim to our time and attention and property.  We either learned to be more considerate or had lousy relationships.  When our kids came along, now there was another human being who depended on us thinking about their needs juxtaposed to our own needs... and the 'being considerate of others' training goes on as we grow...

Teenagers, on the other hand, are developmentally predisposed to be selfish and lack consideration.  After all, they haven't had 14-18 years of learning to take the thoughts and feelings of others into account.  The prime directive for teens is to differentiate and individualize and yet somehow remain connected to their family of origin.  They face enormous social pressure to be both unique and conformed.  They walk a fine line of being responsible and yet impulsive.  

The bottom line is that being considerate of others is a skill that is underdeveloped in most teens and if parents will work at helping them develop the skill instead of chastising them for not already having a 30-40 year old's sense of consideration, both parties would be happier and emotionally healthier.

Cheers!

-Jeff

Transcript from Licensing Board Meeting in Jan 2012

I promised it a while back, but have just now gotten around to typing up the audio file from my appeal to the licensing standards committee of the Texas State Board of Examiners of Marriage and Family Therapists in January.

I spent a good part of this afternoon trying to decipher the letter I was sent detailing what I have to resubmit and how many hours I have yet to accumulate.  I had in my mind that the board had essentially said they would accept half of the hours that they had originally declined from my non-profit agency job.  If that was the case, by my reckoning, I would only have to finish 514 hours, which, by my estimate, I would finish by March!  Woo hoo!  

...
...

Then I sat down and transcribed the audio file of the actual recording of the meeting and that is NOT what was decided by the committee.  Instead of counting all the hours I'd accumulated from September 2011 through Dec 2011 and adding them to HALF of the hours they'd denied.... the actual ruling was that from Jan 13th on, I would have to get ANOTHER 1000 hours... 500 of which have to be direct clinical hours and 250 of those have to be hours to couples and families. 

The practical difference between my recollection of the event and the actual recording of what happens amounts to about 3 months or more of my life before I can upgrade my license.  *sigh*  Instead of being able to finish and upgrade in March, I will be lucky to finish by the end of May or June.

Just yesterday, I learned that another friend from the MFT program at ACU found herself in the same pickle with the board.  They denied her 2000 hours (presumably half of those are direct clinical hours and the rest are paperwork and such).  Learning about her situation incensed me again about the whole situation. 

They board has blatantly admitted that the rule about submitting paperwork for additional sites was unclear, as evidenced by the fact that THEY HAVE CLARIFIED THE RULE and changed the form to include a HUGE paragraph in BOLD print explaining it.  And yet, if a licensee doesn't submit the correct form, it is somehow the licensee's fault and apparently, we deserve to be punished.  The board doesn't say that the hours accumulated that are not board-approved are somehow invalid.  In fact, by accepting a portion of my 'uncontracted' hours, they are essentially admitting that they are perfectly valid and that it is within the purview of the board to approve and accept them if they were so inclined.  Instead, the board feels that it must force the licensee to admit that they 'had a lack of clarity about the rules.'  

Anyhow, here is a copy of the transcript in .PDF form if you want to download it.  I obtained it using the open records law and received a CD with the entire 1.5 hour session on it, but only transcribed the portion pertaining to my appeal. : CLICK HERE

For others who would rather just read it here, scroll on.
 

Transcript from my portion of the Licensing Standards Committee meeting on 1-13-12.

Carol Miller, Executive Officer from the Licensing office, Sandra DeSobe presiding.  Beverly Womack, Sean Stokes, George Francis attending.

(about 10:32 from the start of the recording)

Sandra: Next we will hear from Jeff Emery.  And there is a little more information available here…

Carol: There is.  We have received three emails of support for approval of Mr. Emery’s appeal.  (distributes copies of the email to committee members)

Jeff: I also printed some… I wanted to make sure they had some… if you need extras…There are several that weren’t emailed, but were handed to me…

(sounds of papers being handed out and looked over)

George: If you don’t mind, I’ll take a copy of those, please.

Jeff: Sure.

George: Thank you, sir.

Jeff: Anybody else?

(long pause while committee members ostensibly read over the support letters)

Sandra: Are there any questions from committee members for Mr. Emery?

(pause, with no questions)

Carol: Okay, I just wanted to be sure everyone had time to read.  Um… Mr. Emery is an LMFT-Associate.  He gained LMFT-A status on 9-17 of 2009.  He submitted an application for LMFT upgrade to licensure which was received by the board office on 9-20-11.  But the application was denied because Mr. Emery did not meet minimum requirements for supervised experience under a board-approved plan.  Mr. Emery had previously been approved to begin supervision at Texas Family Institute with John McLen on 9-17-09 for part-time work.  Mr. Emery has credit for supervision and supervised experience at this location for the time period submitted.  Um.. and for a specified number of hours.  According to the Licensed Supervision Experience Verification Form submitted with the application for upgrade, Mr. Emery also, apparently practiced with the same supervisor at New Horizons Ranch and Center with a start date of 12-1 of 09.  And that was for the number of hours that were there on the form… um… these hours at New Horizons Ranch and Center were denied by staff.  Mr. Emery says in his appeal letter that he had, quote “missed a step two years ago and all of the hours at the agency are being denied” unquote, and requests that you count the hours at New Horizons Ranch and Center towards fulfilling the requirements for licensure as an LMFT.  He has submitted new Supervisory Agreement Forms to work at both locations with a board approved start date of 9-17-11 for New Horizons and 10-16-11 for Texas Family Institute.  He listed the Texas Administrative code for requirements related to .. um.. ah.. submission of… um… Supervisory (indistinct word ) to the board… at 801402(?) and 801202.  And that is the information.

Sandra: …To clarify, Mr. Emery, You filed a supervisory agreement form with your first supervisor…

Jeff: With my only supervisor, yes, ma’am.

Sandra: So he supervised your work at both sites.

Jeff: Yes.  The step that was missed was when I started a month later at New Horizons, um, they didn’t have an LMFT supervisor there and I asked John (Rusty), if he would agree to do both and he said that was fine.  And because it was with the same supervisor, it didn’t click that I needed to do a new Supervisory Agreement.  But both locations were aware that the hours I was getting at New Horizons were being supervised by Rusty.  They gave me time off for professional development so I could attend supervision. 

Sandra: And are you still working there?

Jeff: Yes, Ma’am.  I am still currently employed there. 

George: And that was my question, Mr. Emery.  So, you knew to file for the Supervisory… for the first position…

Jeff: Yes, sir.

George: … But not for the second one?

Jeff: Well, um, when I filed for the upgrade, and I was filling out the paperwork, in the upgrade packet, it has the verification of supervisory experience where you list every location that you have provided services at.  And I did, because that is where I knew I’d provided services at two locations.  But on the original Supervisory Agreement Form, there is a spot for the licensee, where you’ll be providing services and the supervisor.  And so there wasn’t anything intuitive there that said, “hey, if you’re going to have it at another location…” to fill out another one for the SAME supervisor. And that…

George: For another location or for another position, because this was another position, correct? 

Jeff: Yeah.  Um.. ah… That was the step that I missed … that because I was utilizing the same supervisor, I didn’t understand that I needed a new Supervisory Agreement.  I didn’t realize that it was per location…

George: So you thought that it was tied to supervisor and not to job?  Or to job AND supervisor?

Jeff: Well, it seemed to be pretty conclusive that if there was going to be a new supervisor, that I would need a new supervisory agreement.  And I did have friends in my cohort that were getting hours at different locations where a supervisor was provided, so if there is a new supervisor, it would make sense that you would need a new supervisory agreement.  But intuitively, because I was using the same supervisor, it didn’t click that I would need a new supervisory agreement. 

George: Ah, thank you.

(long pause)

Sandra: Any other questions for Mr. Emery?

Womack: Did you file for a new supervisory agreement in a different location now?

Jeff: Yes!  Yeah, as soon as I discovered from the board that that was the step that I missed, they recommended that I go ahead and extend my LMFT-A, which I did.  I filed it as soon as possible for that, and managed to get all the forms signed to get that sent in.  Which has allowed me to continue practicing at both locations and gain hours and I counted up through my billing at both locations that I’ve garnered almost another 200 hours since then.  But I have continued, as recommended by the staff. 

Sandra: Okay, so how many hours are you gonna be short? Of the face to face time?

Jeff:  Lacking all of the New Horizons hours?

Sandra: Yes.

Jeff: 2410.

Sandra: That’s not face to face time…

Jeff: I’m sorry… the face to face time… um…

Sandra: Counting the hours you have accumulated since September… when you discovered this… problem.  That would give you what you need?  If you accumulated about 700 more hours?  Is that correct?

Carol: What is currently approved is 730 practice hours, 365 of which were direct clinical and of those 156 were to couples and families.  So there ….

Sandra: But that was before… September?

Carol: Correct.

Sandra: So… we’ve got that.  So far. 

Carol: So, of 3000, he has 730.  Of the 1500 that have to be direct clinical he has 365.  And of the 750 that have to be to couples and families, he has 156. 

Sandra: Now, can you give us that run down of hours that you’ve completed since September?  How many total hours have you accumulated since September?  Clock hours?

Jeff: Um… as of September.. face to face clock hours?

Sandra: Not Face to face… total.

Jeff: Um… I only kept track of the face to face hours.

Sandra: Okay, so how many face to face hours have you accumulated since September? 

Jeff: Um… Through my December billing, not counting January, 199 face to face hours. 

Sandra: And how many of those are for couples and families?

Jeff: Well, I’d have to … I … didn’t delineate those when I was counting them up. 

Sandra: (long pause while she does math on a scratch paper)  So you are about 936 just to pick a number… ah… hours short of what you need to get your license.  (pause) But we don’t know that for sure because we don’t know how many are client, couple and family hours. 

Jeff: Ah… the work that I do at New Horizons… I provide prevention counseling for at risk families.  Part of our program is that we have to meet with primary caregivers as well as the target youth, so a lot of the hours I get at New Horizons are, ah… count as family hours.

Sandra: Yes.  I can see that.  Okay. 

Beverly: And you are a full time employee there now, yes?

Jeff: Yes.

Sandra: And about how many clients are you seeing a week? 

Jeff: I generally carry a caseload of 15-20 clients a month at New Horizons…

Sandra: A month?  Or a week?

Jeff: Oh, well, on my caseload, it rotates out.  On a weekly basis, I generally meet with about 14-15 hours. 

Sandra: So you’re not really going to have any trouble at all accumulating the ah… non face to face hours. 

Jeff: As far as paperwork and …

Sandra: Right.

Jeff: That’s not a problem at all.

Sandra: No one really has trouble accumulating that!  Well, Mr. Emery.  This may be your lucky day.  Not as lucky as you think, but I’m going to make a recommendation that because we have had this problem and this precedent, the board has taken action to correct this so it will not be a problem in the future, that we will accept part of those hours that were done without the contract.  And, so, committee… He’s about a third of the way there.  If we accept another third from the uncontracted and let him get one more third accumulated under supervision… Essentially cut his mistake in half…

George: Is that a motion?

Beverly: But can we do that?  Because everyone is going to be saying that we’ve got to waiver the plan. 

Sean: Well, we *have*.

Carol: We … have inconsistently … waived or not waived

Jeff: Um… before a motion is made I just wanted to offer some information, or at least a perspective…

Sandra:  Yeah.   (clears throat) Dig yourself a grave here….

Jeff: Well, I hope I won’t be digging a grave… necessarily.  I appreciate the policies and procedures that are in place and I understand that this is not a … I’ve very diligently tried not to strike a tone that I’m deserving in some way because I know that I missed a step on this and that any action taken by the board is an action of grace.  And I do appreciate all the consideration you’ve given it.  However, I’ve talked to several of my colleagues and I’ve heard that this is something that has come up in the past… one of my cohort actually told me that she had the same problem when she applied, but in her case it was a secondary site and she said it was about 100 hours and she said “I was upset about it and I cried about it and then I just earned the hours back again.”  But in this case, it represents about two years of accumulating hours.  In that time, in addition to the work that I’ve done with New Horizons, a non-profit agency, and TFI, doing private counseling there, I’ve had the opportunity to be a part of the community and utilize my talents and services in ways that have benefited the community.  I serve on several coalitions… one of them provides training for child care providers so that they can continue to provide that service to our community.  Another one works with Teen Drug prevention and we offer a support group for teens who are involved in drug or alcohol abuse.  And I understand that any motion that’s made or decision that is made that extends the time that I will remain an associate in some was impacts not only my professional development but also the ability to further any opportunities to help the community.  So… I can see this as a win-win, since it is in the purview of the committee to accept all the hours or some portion of them, obviously it would be personally beneficial to me but I think also, in addition to professionally, I think it would be good for our community.  And since the board has already taken action to make sure that it doesn’t happen for future folks, ….

George: Mr. Emery, what were you looking for?

Jeff: Um… as I mentioned , I was looking for some grace. 

George: I’m just asking, what are you looking for from the board?

Jeff: Best case scenario?  Since it was something that was on the last agenda and it has been handled before, I was hoping that it would be something like, “Hey, we’ve already fixed it.  We’re sorry that it has caused some confusion for you….”  Next level down, I was looking for: “We’ll take the hours you’ve accumulated over the past three months and say that that is the number of hours you needed to get, so we’ll call it even since you have…. like I said, I’ve tried to be compliant with everything the board staff have asked me to do as far as extending things and continuing to work on those hours…. BUT, I was prepared that if there was a need to go ahead and continue to get some hours, that that is something I would go ahead and have to do.  Because I love what I do.  I’m intending to pursue this and this is what I want to be my career… so… whatever it takes in order to make it happen is what I’m going to do.  In order, that was kind of my preference of how I’d like to see this happen. 

Sandra: I’m suggesting that we split the difference.  And because we are acknowledging that we had some problems with a lack of clarity about our form, we would like for you to acknowledge that you had a lack of clarity about the rules.  And part of our job here, in protecting the public is making sure our… our therapists are competent.  And one of the ways we evaluate that is whether or not they can follow the rules … and… (crackling of a food wrapper near the mic) .  I am chairing this committee, so can someone make that motion?

George: I make the motion that we split the difference and go for one third of the hours that still need to be accumulated by Mr. Emery.

Sandra: So, what would mean is that you would still have 500 hours.  Face to face hours to show to the committee.  Do I have a second?

Sean: I second.

Sandra: Any discussion?  Yes, George?

George: Is that consistent with our … inconsistencies previously?  (laughter)

Carol: It has been an evolving process.  In the beginning, all were denied, that have done this.  But then this is consistent in that it is partial credit.  And that is consistent …

Sandra: That is a precedent that this committee set in July of last year.  So… we’re kind of stuck with that right now.

George: I’m comfortable with it.

Sandra: Okay.  All in favor?

George, Sean and Beverly: Aye.

Sandra: So… keep practicing. (more crackling from food wrappings obscure the sound)

Jeff: So, 500 beyond the three months I’ve already done… the 200 I’ve already gathered?

Sandra: Starting from now.

Jeff: Starting from now… about 500.  And when it gets to that point as far as…. do I just submit for upgrade again?  As I’ve done, or…

Carol: Your application, um…yeah, I don’t think that it is going to be realistic for you… the application will expire 9/20 of 2012.  So I don’t think it is going to be realistic to get those hours…

Jeff: I think it is.

Sandra: Yep.  He’s gotten 200 in the last three months.

Carol: Yeah.  Oh.  So.  I’ll send you a letter outlining the details, okay?

Jeff: Thank you very much.

(ending at about 30:12 from the beginning of the recording