WFG?

My mom says she doesn't remember this story, but I do*.

When I was about 12 or 13, we were living in Lubbock and I was just entering the youth group at our church.  I'd spent my whole life being a middle child, which often meant that if the older kids got to do something cool, I was one of the younger ones.  If the younger ones got to be spoiled a bit, I was counted as among the older three... at least it felt that way to me.  So, entering the Jr. High youth group meant that I could participate in youth events that my older sisters couldn't do (being high schoolers) and that my younger sisters weren't old enough for!  Yay!

One Sunday afternoon, a spontaneous youth event was forming for the Jr. High kids: a group trip to the dollar movies.  This was in the early 90's when dollar movies only cost.... $1!  and a $5 bill could get you into the show with coke and popcorn and maybe even a candy.  As soon as the evening worship services concluded, I raced from the area where the youth were sitting to find my mom and beg her to let me go.  I'd already arranged a ride to the theater and a ride home afterward.  All I needed was permission... and some money.

I found mom and pestered her until I had her attention and started to plead my case.  "Please, mom..."  I explained the logistics and waited for her response.  That is when I noticed the look on her face.  Now that I'm a parent, I understand much better what may have been going through her mind.  I am now in the phase of life where my role as parent is mostly an ATM and Taxi driver.  If I'm not working or doing something for upkeep at the house, I'm probably dropping off, picking up, resupplying, shuttling and checking on my teens and their activities and social lives.  It can be exhausting.  Thinking back, I remember that look on mama's face.  It started off as a "no" but quickly softened to a mental sigh and then a resigned, "ok, fine".  All in the span of a second.
Mom opened her purse and pulled out a billfold.  She bypassed the empty compartment where paper bills briefly resided every payday.  Tucked back behind medical cards and other wallet debris, she pulled out a carefully folded $5 bill.
I somehow knew in that moment that I shouldn't have asked.  That $5 bill represented money that she'd set aside for sometime when she wanted to grab lunch out instead of taking a bag lunch.  It may have been a 'rainy day' fund for when she wanted to splurge on a well deserved treat that moms don't want to share with greedy offspring.  Whatever it was intended for, she was about to re-purpose it.  "Here, Jeff."  she offered me the bill.
I backpedaled.  "Oh, mom.  It's okay.  I don't need to go to the movies.  I can go next time."
"Jeff, take it."
"Mom, really, you keep it.  I'll hang out with some other friends."
"Jeff..."
I continued to protest until she moved in close and stared at me, hard.  "Jeffrey!" she said, commandingly.  I looked into her softening face and she said, "Part of grace is letting people be gracious to you.  Take the money and go have a good time."

I have had several of my therapy clients this week express their difficulty in allowing others to help them, or even asking for help when they obviously are in need of some kindness.  There seems to be a feeling of positivity that we attach to helping others that is only matched by the weird shame we seem to attach to needing help.  We somehow create a false dichotomy with this idea that some people are helpers and others are the ones who need help when in truth, we are both.

What we somehow fail to realize is that in order for there to be opportunity for ME to help another person, there needs to be another person who is willing to ask for and accept my help.  It is a curious thing to note that when we place a positive judgement on ourselves when we help others (and rightly so, as it is a good thing to help others) we also manage to place a negative judgement on whomever is the help-ee.  We weirdly manage to tie our self-worth into being in a position to help while somehow needing to avoid being in need of help.  Silly humans.

In summing up her own narrative of learning to accept help, a client managed to say in three words what has taken me 15 minutes to type out.  She finally accepted the help offered to her by a friend by simply asking herself, "Why fight grace?"

Why fight grace?

Good question.

And now, as you have need, may you position yourself to receive what those who love you so desperately want to offer: Grace.  Help.  Kindness.  Relief.  And may you know in that moment that God is loving you through these people.

Always happy to help
-Jeff

*my recollection of this event may have been embellished for storytelling purposes. :)

C.O.P.s

In our Bible class the other day, we had an interesting discussion about 2 Corinthians 3.  In that chapter, Paul the Apostle is talking about how one goes about getting known by others.  He rhetorically suggests that some sort of 'letter of recommendation' is the worldly standard.  However, those who are in Christ, he asserts, don't need some letter written in ink.  No, those are insincere and easy to fake.  A follower of Christ should have the Spirit of God writing spiritual information on those that we are surrounded by.  In effect, those who know us ARE our living letters of reference for those who do not know us.  And it is not ourselves, but GOD who writes about us on to others' hearts, when we are walking in the spirit.

Wow... what a heady thought.  The passage emphasizes the difference between the outward and the inward.  The written Law vs. the inward changes of the human heart, shaped by God's spirit.  So, as the Bible class was wrapping up, the facilitator mused something to the effect of, "I wonder what it would take for us to really incorporate this type of living.  To be totally infused, taken over, changed by this idea so that every moment of our lives allows us to be that aroma of Christ..."  Immediately, I knew the answer to her question.

There are a few situations in our lives that, ideally, should change how the think, act, and feel about life.  Worldview changing events that usually happen suddenly.  For instance, getting married ought to be one of those events.  Done right, the marriage relationship reshapes how one thinks, acts and feels.  From "I do" onward, every waking moment, every decision will now be filtered through a new filter.  Married persons should throw away the "What is best for me" filter and be prepared to use the "What is best for us" filter from here on out.  That is... until one has children.  Then, the world shifts again.  Or it should, anyhow.

Anyhow, my point is... those events become what I have termed, "Central Organizing Principles".  The fact that a person has become married means that he/she should no longer consider him/herself as an individual, but as a unit.  You don't have to throw away the 'self', but you DO have to incorporate your "other" into your oneness, or things are bound to go wrong.  Every decision made will be made with the new situation in mind.  If a person goes around making decisions based on the old standard of simply 'self'... see how long that organizing principle works for you.

Sometimes, people are blessed/cursed with other life situations that become COPs for them.  Just ask anyone who has ever been in a debilitating accident and lost a limb.  Everyday, they have a physical reminder of what has changed for them.  For my family, we had a COP enter our lives in December of 2004, when my 18 month old son was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes.  Quick recap for those who don't know: Type 1 is different than Type 2.  It is an autoimmune disorder where one's body attacks one's pancreas and basically shuts it down, preventing your body from making the hormone: insulin.  Without daily injections of artificial insulin, a Type 1 diabetic will die within days.

So, our lives began to be shaped by this COP, diabetes.  We don't eat a bite without being aware of how much insulin to give.  We don't leave the house without supplies to manage diabetes: insulin pump, extra syringes, candy for quick sugar boosts, ketone strips, apple juice, etc.  We don't sleep without checking blood sugar levels.  We buy clothing based on what is comfortable to wear over the insulin pump so not too many people will notice it.  We don't go on dates without knowing that someone who is knowledgeable about diabetes will be watching the kids.  Although it isn't real to them just yet, diabetes will eventually have a say in who they choose to marry because it takes a special someone to deal with the added stress and health risks; my oldest daughter, who was also diagnosed with T1 just a few years ago, will also have to worry about whether to have children because of the added complications of her diabetes.  It doesn't go away, but it does fade into the background.  It is normal for us to check blood sugars before we eat... our COP has become normal for us and, thankfully, it is not often that we feel oppressed by it.

But, as I considered the question from my Bible class, it struck me that the Apostle Paul was writing about how Christ should be the COP, the Central Organizing Principle in the lives of those who claim to follow him.  One's decision to follow Christ should be a commitment that is life altering and should permeate every aspect of one's being.  What we eat, what we wear, how we treat others, even how we THINK of others... who we marry, how we do what we do, how we take care of our health... That is why I said earlier that some people are blessed/cursed by other situations that become COPs for them. 

In one line of thinking, it is certainly a curse.  I wouldn't wish diabetes (or any other chronic illness or debilitating accident) on anyone.  However, there is a lot of redemption that goes on for those who are willing to view it as a blessing.  Diabetes has taught my family to be strong in many ways.  Diabetes makes us rely on each other more, look out for each other, be more aware of each other's limits and abilities.  Diabetes has forced us to rely on God's blessings of family and friends, and in doing so, has exposed us to the influence of some amazing people.  As much as I would willingly and immediately throw off the oppressive influence of diabetes as a COP, I am grateful for the effect it has had in drawing us nearer to the heart of God.

My desire is to allow the influence of the Spirit of God to become more of a Central Organizing Principle in my life and in the life of my family.  Unlike diabetes, which forced it's way in... God waits to be invited in.  Once he receives that invitation, he begins to write my life on the hearts of others with whom I am in a relationship.  I hope to expand my portfolio of 'letters of reference' as God's love becomes my central organizing principle.

Forgiveness and YOU

The broken soul sat on my couch and cried. She told me of an interaction with a friend who had reminded her of a past transgression. "You've got to take responsibility for what you did. Quit acting like you are the victim and realize that there were others who were hurt by what you did!" The broken soul protested, "I don't know what I was supposed to say... I know I did wrong, but I thought things were getting better. I thought I was doing better. But all it took was that one thing to make me feel this big (she gestures with her thumb and index finger close together)! How long will it be until this doesn't hang over me any more?"

I stayed quiet, trying to think of how to reframe the interaction. I had no doubt that the broken soul was trying with everything she had, to make things right again. "Do you feel like you haven't been forgiven?" She shrugged. "Have you forgiven yourself?" She stares blankly at me. She says, "I don't know. What if they are right? I thought I was doing better, but I guess I'm not. I have prayed about it. I can't tell you the number of times I've prayed over and over that God would forgive me..."

My question for you, dear reader... how many times should one have to ask God to be forgiven? If we ask once, in faith, should we not expect to receive it? If we pester God with shows of deep remorse, it is more convincing? I mean, after all, He does know our hearts, right? So he should be able to see inside us whether we are really, really sorry for what we've done, no?

I'm interested in how Christians view forgiveness, both from God and from others and from themselves. In the Old Testament, there is the expectation that in order to receive forgiveness from sin, a sin offering is made. A sacrifice is offered and blood is spilled. The death of an unblemished animal was a required prerequisite in order to gain divine forgiveness. Jesus changed all that. The Son of God, himself an unblemished innocent, was offered up in sacrifice so that his blood would satisfy the requirement. It was done, once, for all. Christ's death changed it all... now forgiveness is freely offered to all.

So... with that in mind, let's talk about forgiveness. The way I see it, it is a package deal. When we accept the forgiveness offered by the blood of Christ, we enter into a holy covenant. Not only do we receive forgiveness, we also receive redemption, reconciliation and renewal. Forgiveness means we are no longer culpable for the guilt of our sin, nor the shame. Forgiveness means we are also gifted with a peace that transcends earthly understanding.

Now, I want to be certain to point out that receiving forgiveness does not erase consequences of sin, just guilt. If we really understand that God doesn't require us to ask for forgiveness in order to offer it, we would feel silly about asking again and again for what he has already given. The broken soul I mentioned earlier might feel differently toward her friend if she understood and accepted this forgiveness. I imagine the conversation would have gone differently if she had the peace that comes along with a removal of guilt and shame.

Friend: You need to stop whining about the bad stuff that YOU caused and admit that you did something wrong and quit denying it.
Broken Soul: (calmly) You are correct. What happened was a terrible thing and I have many regrets. I am dealing with the fallout of those actions right now and could use all the support I could get.
Friend: Well, 'the fallout' would never have happened if you hadn't done what you did!
Broken Soul: (unruffled) I hear what you're saying, and although I regret those things, I'm looking for ways to make things right nowadays. I am not doing those things anymore, and that should be evidence that I am trying to turn things around. Things won't ever by the same again, but I trust that, with God in charge, things can be okay again.

What a difference it would make if we could face that sort of criticism with peace instead of anxiety and guilt. My assertion is that instead of wondering whether God has forgiven us, we ought to consider whether we have forgiven ourselves.

Jesus tells the parable of unmerciful servant (Matt 18:21-35) where he acknowledges that we have difficulty with forgiveness. Peter asks a pretty Pharisaical question: how many times should we forgive someone who wrongs us? Jesus uses hyperbole to answer him: Seventy times seven! (Read: as many times as is needed). So we get a sense of how we ought to forgive each other from this passage. Elsewhere, we are told that our forgiveness of others is a prerequisite for God forgiving us (Mark 11:25). But the Bible doesn't really help us out much on the issue of how to forgive ourselves.

I believe that we can walk more closely to Him when we consider that when we are in relationship with Christ, forgiveness is a daily process. The sin I committed last week was atoned for on the cross. The sin I will commit next week was atoned for on the cross. Not that I continue to sin so that I can continue to receive forgiveness! (Romans 6:1-2) What I mean is that more than wanting me to live in the swamp of depression and guilt and shame because I constantly need to be forgiven, Jesus calls us to right living and repentance.

Me: So, let me recap: You've told me what you are doing to turn things around and be the person that God has called you to be. You've stopped the behavior you were guilty of and are actively trying to do right?
Broken soul: Yes, of course! I feel like I've been trying so hard.
Me: So, if God has forgiven you, and you are answering his call to repent (live differently than before, in accordance with the Spirit), why do you keep asking to be forgiven?
Broken Soul: (shrugs) I guess I don't trust God enough.
Me: Could it be that Satan is distracting you by causing you to be caught up in the guilt and shame that were actually removed long ago? Satan doesn't have to get us to keep sinning. Sometimes he just has to convince us that we aren't forgiven in the first place.

Questions to ponder:
*When does Christ's forgiveness kick in?

*What is impeding your ability to forgive yourself, as God forgives you?

* How should Christians respond to others who seek to pull us back into guilt and shame of a sin that has already been atoned for? With anxiety and self-doubt OR with peace and confidence in the power of the blood of Christ?


And now... may you experience the freedom and peace that accompanies true forgiveness through the blood of Christ Jesus.

-jeff

Practicing what I preach... further thoughts

Okay, so my last blog post was Friday and I enjoyed the experiencing of processing my thoughts and feelings and coming to a good conclusion. Apparently, I was resting on my laurels too soon.

Monday morning rolls around and it turns out that my rededication to shoring up my paperwork weakness was short-lived. Despite my best efforts to make sure all my paperwork was up-to-date (I even stayed late on Friday to accomplish it!), I somehow failed to note that my end-of-month billing was due by 8AM on Monday.

Monday+end of month billing+audit+Murphy's Law = bad day. At about 9 am, my phone started ringing. My supervisor... wanting to know when I planned on getting my billing turned in. I had to rearrange my entire morning, drop two clients and reschedule two others, go back to the office and knock out the billing. Fortunately, because all my files were in order because of last week, it didn't take very long. But... you guessed it... because I missed the 8AM deadline, another write up for my HR file.

I found myself feeling and behaving much the same as on Friday, when I was confronted with a similar 'deadline' that I missed. I was a little angry, I found myself doing the justifying self-talk. My supervisor behaved exactly as I expected... just a reminder that my billing was late and that I had another disciplinary sheet to acknowledge when I turned it in. When I interacted with my supervisor, I was short, abrupt and with none of my normal pleasant demeanor. I didn't want to be lectured and I didn't want to be forced to offer up a wimpy excuse for my billing (also, I didn't have one). To be blunt: I was rude.

So, if someone is having a bad day (whether it is of his own making or not)... do they have a right to be ugly to others? Should they be given a pass because of their circumstances?

Looking back on my conclusions Friday, I reaffirm, being responsible for one's own feelings and behaviors is TOUGH. It is harder than I expected even. I felt good about myself that I was able to do it, even if I didn't do it very well. But I think something is missing. Even though I was processing some difficult emotions, even though, I was able to let go of my anger and blame, even though I was a little embarrassed ... I still damaged my relationship with my supervisor by my behavior. I can be completely out of the box toward her (Arbinger language) yet ignoring that I need to repair and reconnect.

It reminds me of the following story: There once was a boy who got angry very easily. Often, when he lost his temper, he would say, shout or scream things that were very hurtful. In an effort to help him learn some skill in regulating his anger, his grandfather, who he loved very much, instructed him to take a hammer and nails and pound a nail in the back fence each time he lost his temper. The first day, the boy went through almost an entire bag of nails. Over time, he learned that it was easier to cool down before reacting than it was to go and get a nail and pound it into the fence and he learned some skill in keeping an even temper. Finally, after a time of demonstrating his emotional skill, his grandfather instructed him to pull a nail out of the fence each day he went without losing his temper. After a while, the boy had removed all the nails he'd pounded into the fence. He told his grandfather about it and took him outside to show him. His grandfather pointed out, "Now, look at the fence. Even though you have removed all the nails, the damage to the fence remains. So it is with our anger. Words spoken in anger, leave scars. They will change your relationships.

Now, I don't believe that is the end of the story for me, but I think it highlights the tendency of most people: Once we've stopped the behavior, we expect that things will just be normal. We fail to follow through with what needs to be done to make things right again. So... the component that I was missing in my conclusions was: Ask myself what I need to do in order to make things right again.

There is a shortage of that line of thinking in this world. Again... I teach this stuff to other people! I should be able to apply it to myself, right? Argh! This relationship stuff is harder than it looks.

Full circle... let's make a spiritual application! God does the hard work of maintaining relationship with us. If ever there is distance between us, it is sure to be of our own doing, as God is constantly working to draw us near to Him. And far from wanting to destroy us, hurt us or punish us, God offers grace, mercy and forgiveness. And more than just putting it in the past, God renews and restores! Revelation 21:5a, "He who was seated on the throne said, 'I am making everything new!'" What can I do, but follow His example?

-jeff

Practicing what I preach

Okay, full disclosure here... I am a work in progress. I do not feel like I often get to the point that I actually have to use the tools that I advocate in my therapy practice. I would like to think that I am self-aware and practicing enough discipline in my everyday life that I hardly ever get to the point that I enter the blame-game and the justification for anger cycle. But I did this last week. Here's what happened.

The company I work for holds a contract with the State of Texas to provide crisis counseling for at-risk youth and their families. Because it is a state contract, the company is required to undergo an annual audit to make certain that the contract is being carried out. Our audit starts next week. This year, I resolved to recognize that anxiety, like so much other stuff, flows downhill and that I would decline any invitation to be as anxious as the administrators about the audit. I would just keep doing my job the way I do my job and let them worry about whether the i's are dotted and t's are crossed.

The past few weeks, my email inbox has been busting at the seams with emails about meeting our numbers, documenting our work and efforts to meet with Youth and Primary Caregivers. "Best Practice" dictates that we should complete paperwork in a timely manner and with the looming audit, that has meant increased scrutiny on our files. I can be quite honest about my attitude toward paperwork: I hate it. (Therapist Jeff says: Jeff's feelings about paperwork reflect his insecurity with his own efforts. Because he projects self-confidence, his lackadaisical performance in keeping up with his paperwork reflects his fear that people will see him for his true self: lazy and lacking internal motivation concerning small details) Yes, I hate paperwork. I justify my hatred of paperwork with a complex series of arguments about small minded bureaucrats who developed the guidelines for our program without any insight to what the actual job entails. Anyhow, the short story is that I have my own timeframe for getting my paperwork finished that does not always match up with deadlines that I have been given.

I feel that because it has been previously established in supervisory sessions with the people who are in charge of my program, that this should be taken into account when evaluating my efforts. Read: it has caused problems before. Truth is, my supervisors have all been reasonably flexible in allowing me leeway with my paperwork deadlines. However, with the added anxiety and desire to present the best possible filing for the auditors, the grace extended to me regarding my timeliness vanished. And that is what it has always been: grace. Now, understand, I am a good worker. I believe the outcome of my efforts readily reflect that I am a great therapist and gifted clinician. I get my work done, and I do make most of my deadlines, but paperwork and time management continue to be growth areas for me.

I was up at the office late on Thursday making sure all my paperwork was done, all my files were in compliance. I looked over the bevy of emails regarding requests from my supervisor and, confident that I answered them all, I stumbled off to bed to get a few hours sleep before I got up to do it all over again. Friday morning, I attended several meetings and then prepared to go meet with some more of my families, I stopped off at my supervisor's office to show off at how caught up I was on all my paperwork. "What about those extra notes I'd asked about on your closed files? The ones the auditors requested...?" D'OH! I'd somehow overlooked those! Despite the fact I was on my way out the door to a school to meet with a family, I promised I'd get them done immediately.

I rushed back to my desk and banged out the four notes. Now, my files were not incomplete or in bad shape. The notes were simply to assist the auditors and invite them to not scrutinize the file and nit-pick it. It took me about 25 minutes to update the files and I carried them back to my supervisor, feeling good that I was being a team player and done my best to be helpful. My supervisor thanked me for my efforts and then handed me a note to sign. It was a written notice that I'd been given a verbal warning due to not having those extra notes by 11:00 AM. It would go in my HR record. It had been emailed to the program director.

Suddenly, my feelings of helpful pride shifted to seething anger that I was being reprimanded for missing a deadline by an hour and a half. In my mind, my self-talk went something like this: "Why? I know that I missed the deadline, but it was an arbitrary one made up for this occasion... it is not like there were dire consequences... This doesn't have to be done, I'm being singled out for this... It is unfair... It is mean spirited... I would have handled this totally differently if I were the supervisor... this is how you go about ruining morale... I'm being set up to fail..." and on and on in this fashion.

For several long minutes, I stared at the paper, weighing whether to make a big scene about it or suck it up, sign it and let it go. The minutes stretched out and I knew that my silence and inaction were communicating to my supervisor that I was struggling about how to respond. I knew that anything I said would sound defensive and self-justifying. I knew that my supervisor had the technical truth to support the reprimand. I had a choice to make.

Now, I want to point out that this whole thought process took several minutes. I stood there like a idiot while I literally thought all this through and came to my decision point. I surrendered the thought that my supervisor was responsible for my anger. I swallowed the blame I wanted to level and let go of the self-justifying arguments that popped up in my head. I signed the form and left the office.

I decided to not be angry. It was harder than I thought it would be! I kept wanting to step back in my anger box and allow it to dictate the rest of my day. But the more I thought about it, the more I clung to the notion that if I teach others this stuff about being responsible for one's own emotions and behavior, then I better be able to back it up with my own experience.

Was my supervisor wrong to reprimand me? Technically, no. Subjectively? Maybe. It is possible to do the right thing but to go about it in a way that invites defensiveness. Was it within my supervisor's power to let it go and to not document the incident? Yes, but that is not the point. Truth is, by not being more proactive with my own behavior and attitude toward the paperwork, I was inviting my supervisor to see me as lazy with my paperwork. Doing my part to help out with the audit was all well and good, but really has very little to do with my own previous behavior. It is just a handy self-justifying argument I tucked away to allow me to blame someone else for my angry feelings.

My point in posting this is not to gain sympathy or even admiration for my self-analysis. I wanted to point out that handling one's own emotions can be difficult. If I had entered into a blame cycle, who knows where it would have ended up? I can guess at some outcomes: I might have decided that being a team player wasn't worth it if I was going to be treated so badly. I might have started subtly sabotaging efforts to meet our numbers or do things that would put my supervisor in a bad position. I might have subtly started undercutting the management by my own way of being toward the company. I might let bitterness suck the joy out of the job I love.... etc. The end result is that I would also have diminished myself in the process. That is not the person I wish to be, or become.

This experience is another reminder that grace is an amazing gift. I'm thankful that God invites us into His kingdom, where we experience no accusations or blame or guilt, despite our continued deservedness. Over and over, God invites us to be better, accept His perfection and clothe ourselves with it. God's redemption of my broken, sinful heart is not a one-time event, but a continual process whereby I (hopefully) become more like Him each cycle. This time, I hope that I've picked up some pointers about being gracious... not only to myself, but to those that I feel have wronged me (whether they actually have wronged me or not). God is gracious. Thank God.

-jeff

It is not my fault! Playing the Blame Game

When certain themes reoccur in multiple therapy sessions, sometimes it helps me to write about them and shake the cobwebs off my thinking. Today's theme is : Blame.

Assigning Blame. Finding fault. Pointing fingers. Whatever term we use, it is about accusation. Although, on the surface, assigning blame seems to be about holding someone responsible, in reality, it is often used to justify one's own feelings or behavior. It is a little ironic that a person may really think they are doing the right thing by holding someone accountable, but when we use 'blame' to do it, we are going about it the wrong way.

Dictionaries and common usage often equate 'blame' and 'responsibility'. The two terms are often used interchangeably. However, if you take a look at synonyms, we can begin to see the negativity associated with 'blame': criticize, censure, condemn, denounce, dispraise, fault, knock, pan, reprehend. By contrast, look at the definition of 'responsible': able to answer for one's conduct and obligations : trustworthy : able to choose for oneself between right and wrong. I won't argue that it is possible to read the other dictionary entries and conclude that even the dictionary includes the idea that the two concepts are interchangeable. I will contend that most people use the two in the negative sense.

Is it wrong to hold someone accountable or to uncover responsibility? No. However, there is a categorical difference between the two ideas: Blame and Responsibility. Blame accuses and invites defensiveness. Blame is connected to shame and guilt. Blame is usually also connected to anger and bitterness. Responsibility, on the other hand, is about growth. Being responsible allows a person to be proud of him or herself. Being responsible means owning one's own actions and feelings, good or bad, and allows a person to have integrity.

So, even in those rare occasions when it is socially acceptable to blame, I expect it is not very helpful. Blame is usually more about making the blamer feel justified in being angry, hurt or bitter than it is about helping the blamed accept responsibility. Can you not hear it? Listen to this conversation (paraphrased and slightly embellished):

Me: What it is about your parent's separation that hurts you the most?
Client: Well, it is my fault that they split up. I just want them to stop fighting and be a family again.
Me: Whoa... what makes you think that it was your fault?
Client: Well, my mom told me that she blames me for their decision to separate... and she's right. The last big fight they had was because of my stupid decision to disobey the rules of my being grounded.

Here, we see the client accepting the blame that the mother asserts. Now, while it is true that the client broke the family rules about being grounded, the conflict between the parents predates the youth's behavior. The youth's behavior influenced the parents' feelings and actions, but did not cause the separation. The parents had plenty of actions they could have taken, but for various reasons, they chose to separate. At a later date, the mom is hurt and angry and in order to feel better about being angry, she blames her decision on the youth. In this case, the blame did not invite the youth to be defensive. Instead, in accepting the blame, the youth also accepted undue guilt and shame. Should the youth feel bad about the behavior that the youth is responsible for? Sure. Should the youth feel the burden of the parents' decision? No.

Of course, there are other details I am not sharing about this situation. I have cleaned up and sterilized the messiness of the relationships involved in order to highlight my point. Blame, even when you can make a case for it, is never helpful. It is hurtful. Blame is about accusation and justification. Blame invites defensiveness, shame and guilt. Blame seeks to allow the blamer to put off the responsibility for his/her own emotions on another person. "You make me so angry!" and "If you hadn't ******, then I wouldn't blah, blah, blah."Can you hear the accuser, the blamer, divesting himself of emotional responsibility? Even if the blamer can make a good case for blaming, the end result is that the blamed feels defensive, accused, ashamed, and either defiant or broken. None of those feelings is conducive to healing, restoration or emotional health.

So, what is the alternative? Is it possible to assign responsibility without resorting to the accusing nature of blaming? How does one go about inviting another to accept responsibility without heaping shame and guilt upon them? What does it look like to act, in love and respect toward the responsible party, and firmly and with assertiveness allow them to own their fault? On the other side of the coin, how does a person avoid accepting unfair blame while still being responsible for one's own feelings and actions? Can it even be done?

I do not have definitive answers for the questions in the last paragraph, but I do know that I am done playing the blame game. It is tiring sometimes, because others constantly invite me to see others in an accusing way, to see others through their eyes of hurt and blame. I have a secret, though. I have another who invites me to see others through His eyes. He has a point of view that is unique in all creation. Instead of a lens of blame, He sees through a lens of grace, of undeserved mercy. Every day, I have the choice to accept the invitation of the hurt, broken souls that I serve to see others as blameworthy. Ironically, we are all blameworthy. Instead, I strive to choose what is helpful and healing, which is to see everyone through the eyes of a merciful, gracious God. The Great Physician has some wonderful insight into how to begin the healing process for the souls of men.

And now, may you have the courage to offer grace instead of blame. It is not an easy task, but it is a way of reflecting the image of a gracious God instead of the Great Accuser.

-jeff