Counterintuitive

Sometimes I run across ideas that don't seem to make much sense on the surface, but they have deeper truths that reveal themselves later.  They seem to run counter to conventional wisdom and require me to give some thought to them, so I call them "counter-intuitive".  Today's counter-intuitive idea came from a Facebook post by the straightforward thinker and TV personality Mike Rowe (https://www.facebook.com/TheRealMikeRowe/posts/1916686088341525).  While the entire post is well worth a read, here is the part that jumped out to me:

"Failure was simply viewed as the most common symptom of trying. Consequently, the more I tried, the more I failed. The more I failed, the more I succeeded. The more I succeeded, the more confident I became."

For many of us, 'failure' is a bad thing.  It is associated with a sense of inadequacy, with shame or with uncomfortable feelings.  Because of this, our brains begin to associate 'failure' with 'bad' and we learn to avoid not only actual failure, but anything associated with failure.  You know, like, effort and trying.  After all, if I don't try, I can't fail. See?  This can snowball into other's perceiving us as 'lazy' and cowardly, but somehow, those things are more tolerable than feeling like a failure.

Wait.  There it is.  The subtle, but powerful, distinction.  *Being* a failure vs. failing.  As Mike Rowe indicated, when we fail.... when failure is an action, an outcome of trying something... something outside of us, it is possible to learn from it.  To grow from failure.  In this sense, when I try and fail, it is feedback.  It is experience that I can use to change my attitude, my behavior, my intention as I try again and move closer to success.  Far from being a bad thing, failure is an *essential* thing for me to experience.  When we internalize failure, we begin to see it not as something that often happens when we try something.  We think that failure is something that we *are*.  Can you understand the powerful difference between thinking, "I *am* a failure." vs. "I tried something and failed at it."?

I'm thankful for people like Mike Rowe, who can succinctly remind me to think differently about failure.  I'm thankful that I can think more deeply about what it means to fail and learn that failure, far from being a bad thing, is an essential thing to my success.

And now, may you find failure, and in failing, may you find that you are successful.  In feeling successful, my you try and fail and try some more and in the process discover that you are powerful beyond belief.

-Jeff

Word Power

There is a phenomenon known as the Michelangelo Effect, named for the renaissance artist who was reported to have described his work saying, "In every block of marble I see a statue as plain as though it stood before me, shaped and perfect in attitude and action.  I have only to hew away the rough walls that imprison the lovely apparition to reveal it to the other eyes as mine see it."

I hold the same opinion about relationships.  There is a generally accepted notion in psychotherapy that you can't change others, you can only change yourself.  While this is generally true, I think that it ignores the power of relationship.  What I mean is that when we are in a significant relationship with another human, it is possible that our mutual influence on each other will have a transformative effect.  It is, of course, possible that despite the significant relationship we share, our influence may prove ineffectual in motivating another to change.  How do we maximize our influence?

I believe part of the answer lies in how we perceive others.  Research indicates that we begin to form our self-image, how we think about and consider ourselves, by the way that others treat us in our very young years.  Ideally, loving parents and adults would help shape a baby... a toddler, a child's view of him or herself as worthy, capable, valued and unique.  However, I've facilitated enough therapy sessions to know that all too often, we pick up other messages from our tender years.

Let me offer this word for your consideration today:

Corrigible

You have probably heard it's antonym, 'incorrigible', used to describe someone who is a miscreant, unredeemable and not worth your time.  Or possibly, you've heard someone tease another by saying, "Oh, you bad boy... you are incorrigible!"  Outside of obscure texts, I don't think I've seen or heard 'corrigible' used in everyday conversation.  This is a shame, in my opinion, because it should be the foundation of healthy relationships.  Corrigible means: capable of being corrected, set right, or reformed.  When we are able to view others as corrigible, it transforms our relationships from inflexible, unyielding prisons of habit and patterns of behavior and attitude and turns them into a place where when you mess up, you can own up to the mistake and work on improvement.  When we do the opposite, when we view others as incorrigible, we relegate relationships to brokenness, disappointment and, eventually, disposal.  And then we jump from relationship to relationship seeking something outside ourselves that is whole and healthy and not broken, when the truth is that what needs to be fixed most is how we see others.

May you learn to shake off the lie that your past defines you and may you begin to see yourself as someone who is open to correction and able to improve... and in doing so, learn to value yourself and others in a whole new way.  May you be corrigible.

note: crossposted from www.youneedacounselor.com

Word Power

Okay, so I've been kicking around some ideas that combine a few different areas of thought for me. I think that they are complicated enough that I think I'm going to split them up into several posts to aid in comprehension (hopefully).

To start:
I love words. I'm not a word fanatic. I'm no sesquipedalian bore. Don't look to me to wax loquaciously about a subject by any means. I eschew obfuscation whenever possible. Okay, I'm just being silly. Really, though, I believe words are powerful. I believe they are formative. I believe that in some ways, we speak things into existence. Not literal, concrete things per se, but our words shape our reality.

For instance, there is a thought that our self-identities are formed at a young age. What we hear about ourselves usually shapes what we think about ourselves. You tell a kid they are a stupid, good-for-nothing and parents wonder why their kid grows up, lagging behind in school and generally getting in trouble. On the flip side, parents who tell their kids they are smart and capable generally have kids who do well and have self-confidence.

I dislike labels, except on soup cans. I see clients with labels all the time: Alcoholic, cheat, liar, depressed, etc. Labels are helpful for identification, true, but when one's identity becomes wrapped up in the label, problems follow. Words are powerful to shape our reality.

I tell clients, "Don't tell your kid that he's a bad boy. He's just a boy. He may make bad decisions or have bad behavior, but he can change those things. It is harder to change who you are." Or with another therapy couple, "Don't call him a liar. When you resort to name-calling, it is a way of making that behavior out to be something that a person is rather than something a person does. When you are angry, labeling him as a liar makes that all he is, so nothing he says after that point has any power because if he is a liar, everything he'll respond with will be doubted." Words are powerful.

Words can be positive and formative, too. Take a look at this remarkable video: (Click here to be redirected to YouTube). It is a neat, feel good film about the power of words to change perceptions.

So the second area that I've been thinking about that blends in with the first thought concerns where the power behind Words comes from. Here are my thoughts:

Start at the beginning. How do things start out? God calls everything into existence by speaking. God created the heavens and the earth... then he speaks, "Let there be light" and there was light. God speaks again and voila: Sky to separate the waters above from the waters below. God not only creates, but he names. Out of all of this creation that he sees and deems good, only one part of it is made in his likeness. What if part of being made in his likeness is tied up in our sharing the ability to, in some limited fashion, harness the power of words?

Fast forward to after the flood (Genesis chapter 11, if you care to read it). The world is once again teeming with people and they have to spread out to find space. Scripture notes that everyone had a common language and speech. Given that everyone is able to communicate effectively, they decide to do something spectacular: reach for metaphorical immortality by creating a city that reaches to the heavens. God notes their efforts and comments:
⁶ The LORD said, "If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them.

Wow. That is pretty amazing. So, the same All-powerful Being who, mere chapters ago, spoke the universe into existence seems to indicate that with the remarkable skill of being able to communicate, nothing they purpose to do will be impossible for them.

Pros: God seems to indicate that we could do powerful things if we use our words to build up.
Cons: With enough cooperation, we could also end up destroying ourselves.

Other thoughts on the power of words from scripture to follow...
-jeff