Listen and learn

There is an old saying, "God gave us two ears and only one mouth so that we will listen twice as much as we talk."  I don't know who originally came up with that, but in my experience, it is good advice.

I frequently get to observe the communication process between individuals in a relationship and I am almost always intrigued to discover what their interactions reveal about their relationship.  It doesn't matter what the nature of the relationship is, marriage partners, parent-child, friend, boss-employee... all behavior is communication and it is very revealing if you know what to look for.


When a relationship is in conflict, research indicates that having conflict itself is not an indicator of the health of the relationship, but how each individual conducts themselves in the midst of conflict is a strong predictor of the stability and health of the relationship.  People who have a high positive regard for each other tend to be able to have conflict and still like each other because they aren't cruel to each other during the conflict.  They can disagree without being disagreeable.

Too often, the communication patterns I witness are locked in a pattern where the same arguments are made over and over and the conversation never goes anywhere, except to reinforce the hurt that each individual feels.  I try to coach individuals who are stuck in a situation where there is no traction that they need to spend less attention on what is being said and more attention listening to how it is being said.

Being attentive to the emotions of the other person is a miracle communication tool.  When a person feels like they are being heard and understood, they feel valued.  Conversely, when in an argument and we are more focused on making sure that the other person sees how right our viewpoint is... it is easy for the other person to feel less valued because they don't feel heard or understood.

Daughter: I feel like I have to always walk on eggshells at home because I never know how Mom is going to react.

Mom: She says that I overreact and don't talk to her for weeks, but she ignores the fact that I still do her laundry, I still cook for her, I still work to pay the bills for her computer and her cell phone.  How is that ignoring her?  I give her plenty of opportunities for her to come and talk, but she is always walking away.

 In the above snippet, the daughter is expressing how she feels, putting the mom on the defensive.  Because Mom is more attuned to her hurt feelings, she is unable to acknowledge and validate her daughter's viewpoint.  To be fair, the daughter is doing the same thing (thus the traction-less cycle they are in), but I don't expect the child to be more capable than the adult of being able to control her emotions, it is something I try to teach the parent before I work on the child.  So, I challenge the mom: "Right now, don't focus on whether you agree or disagree with what your daughter is saying, just try to reflect what you think she is feeling.  You may not agree with her, but right now it is more important that she feels that you understand her."  I ask the daughter to restate her last statement

Daughter: Sometimes it feels like no matter what I say or do, you overreact.  I feel like I can't tell you anything because nothing is ever good enough for you.

Mom: (bristling) What do you want me to say to that?  She is just attacking me again!

Jeff: What do you think she is feeling?

Mom: (sighing) She feels like she can't talk to me because I overreact.

Jeff: That is what is happening.  What do you think she might be feeling?

Mom: I don't know?  Hurt?  Frustrated?  Lonely?

Jeff: Okay, how about asking her if she feels those things because of the situation...

Mom: (thinking about the phrasing...) Okay... so... You feel hurt because when you tell me stuff, I blow it out of proportion.  I can see how that could be frustrating.

Daughter: Yeah, it is.  I mean, I used to be able to talk to you about lots of stuff, but lately it seems like you are just looking for something to yell at me about.

And the mom is stunned that her daughter hasn't completely shut down again.  The previous exchange shows how reflecting a person's feelings can help to break the blame and defensiveness cycle and gain some traction in the conversation.  It allows the conversation to move forward. 

It sounds pretty easy, but in practice it is a difficult thing to do, to ignore the gut reaction to respond and tell the person why they are wrong.  Instead, if we can push that instinct back and instead, try to reflect what the other person is feeling, it breaks the cycle of devaluing language and behavior and invites the other person to feel like they are being heard and understood, giving the communication process traction to move forward.

Give it a try and let me know how it goes!

-jeff

A little consideration, please...

Few things are more satisfying than seeing your children have teenagers of their own.
Doug Larson

I spend a good deal of my professional time interacting with parents and their teens.  One issue that has popped up recently is the struggle between parents and teens: Teens say they want more independence, freedom and to be seen as adults and parents say that they want their kids to show responsibility, respect and evidence that they can handle more independence.  

From the parents' perspective, all the signs are evident that the kid just isn't ready: 

Comes home late - check

Spends more time with friends than with family - check

Refuses to open up to parents about details of the day - check

Most often heard words include: whatever, fine!, just leave me alone, ...but I....

Says they will help out more around the house, but needs constant nagging/supervision. - check

From the teen's perspective, all the signs are there to show the world that they are ready to be adults: 

Holding down a job AND a decent GPA at school - check

Picks up his/her own room without being told - check

Has a checking/savings account - check

Pays for own cell phone - check

The complaint I hear coming from parents usually has something to do with what I call parental anxiety.  Parental anxiety is activated when our children display their lack of consideration for their families (especially their parents).  For instance, the teen is supposed to be either at school, at work, or home at specified times.  When the teen fails to show up, or check in, or even text, parental anxiety is activated.  Parental thinking may include any one of (or mixture of) the following: 

*I'm worried... my child could be hurt or in danger

*I'm annoyed... this is just the latest example of a lack of respect for my time and abusing the privilege of having a car/job

*My child is too lazy/inconsiderate/disrespectful  to follow the rules and call 

*My child ALWAYS does this... he/she knows it will make me upset and he/she is doing it on purpose.

Many parents have valid and legitimate issues with their teen... it is rude and inconsiderate.  If it is an ongoing problem that has been addressed before, it may be seen as disrespectful even.  However, it is helpful to keep in mind that if a parent approaches their teen with that perspective, they will invite defensiveness, possible withdrawal and even angry behavior in return.  Even when they are accurate and justifiable, blaming attitudes rarely help resolve issues.  

It may be helpful for parents to remember that, as adults, we have had years to learn to be considerate of others.  It probably started for us in our late teens or early twenties... the romantic relationships that were so important that we had to start taking into account what the other person liked and disliked.  In those exclusive relationships, we suddenly had to learn to take another person's preferences into account when planning our weekends.  You remember that phase of courtship, right?  Our sense of being considerate of another only got stronger when we actually married someone... now there was another human being who has emotional, social and legal claim to our time and attention and property.  We either learned to be more considerate or had lousy relationships.  When our kids came along, now there was another human being who depended on us thinking about their needs juxtaposed to our own needs... and the 'being considerate of others' training goes on as we grow...

Teenagers, on the other hand, are developmentally predisposed to be selfish and lack consideration.  After all, they haven't had 14-18 years of learning to take the thoughts and feelings of others into account.  The prime directive for teens is to differentiate and individualize and yet somehow remain connected to their family of origin.  They face enormous social pressure to be both unique and conformed.  They walk a fine line of being responsible and yet impulsive.  

The bottom line is that being considerate of others is a skill that is underdeveloped in most teens and if parents will work at helping them develop the skill instead of chastising them for not already having a 30-40 year old's sense of consideration, both parties would be happier and emotionally healthier.

Cheers!

-Jeff

Practicing what I preach... further thoughts

Okay, so my last blog post was Friday and I enjoyed the experiencing of processing my thoughts and feelings and coming to a good conclusion. Apparently, I was resting on my laurels too soon.

Monday morning rolls around and it turns out that my rededication to shoring up my paperwork weakness was short-lived. Despite my best efforts to make sure all my paperwork was up-to-date (I even stayed late on Friday to accomplish it!), I somehow failed to note that my end-of-month billing was due by 8AM on Monday.

Monday+end of month billing+audit+Murphy's Law = bad day. At about 9 am, my phone started ringing. My supervisor... wanting to know when I planned on getting my billing turned in. I had to rearrange my entire morning, drop two clients and reschedule two others, go back to the office and knock out the billing. Fortunately, because all my files were in order because of last week, it didn't take very long. But... you guessed it... because I missed the 8AM deadline, another write up for my HR file.

I found myself feeling and behaving much the same as on Friday, when I was confronted with a similar 'deadline' that I missed. I was a little angry, I found myself doing the justifying self-talk. My supervisor behaved exactly as I expected... just a reminder that my billing was late and that I had another disciplinary sheet to acknowledge when I turned it in. When I interacted with my supervisor, I was short, abrupt and with none of my normal pleasant demeanor. I didn't want to be lectured and I didn't want to be forced to offer up a wimpy excuse for my billing (also, I didn't have one). To be blunt: I was rude.

So, if someone is having a bad day (whether it is of his own making or not)... do they have a right to be ugly to others? Should they be given a pass because of their circumstances?

Looking back on my conclusions Friday, I reaffirm, being responsible for one's own feelings and behaviors is TOUGH. It is harder than I expected even. I felt good about myself that I was able to do it, even if I didn't do it very well. But I think something is missing. Even though I was processing some difficult emotions, even though, I was able to let go of my anger and blame, even though I was a little embarrassed ... I still damaged my relationship with my supervisor by my behavior. I can be completely out of the box toward her (Arbinger language) yet ignoring that I need to repair and reconnect.

It reminds me of the following story: There once was a boy who got angry very easily. Often, when he lost his temper, he would say, shout or scream things that were very hurtful. In an effort to help him learn some skill in regulating his anger, his grandfather, who he loved very much, instructed him to take a hammer and nails and pound a nail in the back fence each time he lost his temper. The first day, the boy went through almost an entire bag of nails. Over time, he learned that it was easier to cool down before reacting than it was to go and get a nail and pound it into the fence and he learned some skill in keeping an even temper. Finally, after a time of demonstrating his emotional skill, his grandfather instructed him to pull a nail out of the fence each day he went without losing his temper. After a while, the boy had removed all the nails he'd pounded into the fence. He told his grandfather about it and took him outside to show him. His grandfather pointed out, "Now, look at the fence. Even though you have removed all the nails, the damage to the fence remains. So it is with our anger. Words spoken in anger, leave scars. They will change your relationships.

Now, I don't believe that is the end of the story for me, but I think it highlights the tendency of most people: Once we've stopped the behavior, we expect that things will just be normal. We fail to follow through with what needs to be done to make things right again. So... the component that I was missing in my conclusions was: Ask myself what I need to do in order to make things right again.

There is a shortage of that line of thinking in this world. Again... I teach this stuff to other people! I should be able to apply it to myself, right? Argh! This relationship stuff is harder than it looks.

Full circle... let's make a spiritual application! God does the hard work of maintaining relationship with us. If ever there is distance between us, it is sure to be of our own doing, as God is constantly working to draw us near to Him. And far from wanting to destroy us, hurt us or punish us, God offers grace, mercy and forgiveness. And more than just putting it in the past, God renews and restores! Revelation 21:5a, "He who was seated on the throne said, 'I am making everything new!'" What can I do, but follow His example?

-jeff