"Do these jeans make my butt look big?"
"Why didn't you take the trash out like I told you?"
"How could you hurt me like that?"
Wow, that escalated quickly. The 1st question is a toughie... we don't want to hurt the other person with our answer and if they asked the question in the first place they are unlikely to accept any answer we would give anyhow.
The 2nd question isn't really a question. It is an expression of the speaker's own disappointment, wrapped up in a question format. Think about it. The truth could be that the trash didn't get taken out because you were figuring out the cure for cancer but it wouldn't matter because what the speaker was really saying was, "I expected you to do what I told you and you didn't and now I'm hurt and disappointed and I'm blaming my feelings on you." No answer would be good enough, just take the trash out.
The 3rd question though...
It is a different level. It expresses not just the speaker's hurt and disappointment. It indicates that a relationship has been damaged. Trust may have been broken. There is no good answer to that question. "How could you hurt me like that?"
"How could you hurt me?"
"How could you?"
"How?"
Sometimes when we've been hurt, we can't even get the whole question out. It seemed unthinkable before it became known. We couldn't even have imagined that person could do that. Our disbelief and hurt is based on a faulty assumption. It goes something like this: If (person) really loved me, they would never do (behavior). Ipso facto, if (person) does (behavior) they don't really love me. Ergo, they never really loved me, therefore our whole relationship has been a lie. I believed the lie, therefore, I'm a fool.
Yes, you are a fool. Love is a foolish emotion. In order for it to happen, we have to take the risk that we can be vulnerable with a person by caring about them and feeling cared for and hope that the other person will handle that risky choice with respect. But they don't always do a good job with that task. In fact, for a variety of reasons, the other person just may not handle that trust well. And that brings us back to the unanswerable question: "How could you hurt me like that?"
The truth is that it is possible to love another person but behave in ways that are devaluing. However, we cannot continue to behave in ways that devalue the other person and expect that they are going to continue to believe that we love them.
In couples therapy, I often run into situations where there are competing definitions of what it means to "love". I may hear him say, "I wake up every day trying to put a smile on her face and show her how much I love her. I'd walk a thousand miles to show her that." Her reply, "I didn't *ask* you to walk a thousand miles. I just want you to do a load of laundry!" What looks like love to one person doesn't always line up with the other's view of love. Lots of people have attempted to encompass the ineffable definition of love. Gary Chapman gave it a go with his Five Love Languages. I use his framework frequently, but there is still more to be said.
Love is a feeling.
Love is a choice.
Love is action.
Love is ..... (fill in your favorite way to describe love)
Problem is, although we have overlapping definitions, the areas where things don't overlap cause problems. I've adopted a definition of love from Everett Worthington Jr. from his book, Hope Focused Marriage Counseling:
Love is valuing the other person and refusing to devalue the other person.
I love this definition because it encompasses the understanding that we can say (or feel like) we love the other person, but if we aren't demonstrating it through our behaviors (in active and passive ways), it isn't really complete.
May you learn to value others and refuse to devalue them. May you find the answer to the unanswerable questions. And may you discover in the process that part of the answer lies in questioning our assumptions and finding ways to ask different questions.
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