I often have the occasion to explore the concept of emotional boundaries with therapy clients.
It is understandable that when someone experiences a traumatic event, we self-protect by quickly erecting rigid and strong boundaries. These reactions to our trauma are understandable. However, those boundaries often stick around after their initial helpfulness and become burdensome. Rigid and inflexible boundaries make sense to keep bad things out, but they also keep good things out and limit our flexibility to respond to new situations.
To explain this concept, I sometimes use the Marvel Cinematic Universe’s version of Iron Man, the superhero as an example. In his first appearance in Iron Man (2008), after being kidnapped and tortured, Tony Stark cobbles together whatever is available to him to make his first suit of armor. It is unwieldy and bulky, but effective at protecting him long enough to escape.
After he recovers, he is inspired to refine his armor, creating the next version that upgrades it significantly. He adds repulsor technology that lets him fly and an AI computer that allows him to respond quickly to other threats. I point out to my clients that in this analogy, Tony Stark seems outwardly confident and capable. However, for all his intelligence, he seems to be driven by anxiety and fear that he could be hurt again and be powerless to stop it, so he keeps developing new armors.
However, Tony learns that for all of his upgrades, it has a big flaw… it would freeze up in high altitudes. This allows his enemy to almost defeat him in the first movie. In later versions of his armor in later movies, he designs his next versions to cover that flaw, as seen by how he can now fly into space without his armor freezing.
By the end of the first movie, he’s already on version III of his armor. By Iron Man 2 (2010), we see his Mark IV armor and we can tell that Tony has recovered a bit because his armor is not just something he dons to protect himself, but he wants to wear it all the time (he even installs a feature that takes care of his… biological functions… so he doesn’t have to take it off). His Mark V armor adds portability so he can have access to his armor even when he is not close to his home base. In therapy I point out that as we become comfortable with our rigid boundaries, we may start to want to live within them so much that it gives us a false sense of security. Tony begins to design better suits to handle new threats and new situations. Subsequent versions of his armor incorporate upgrades. For instance, after his fight with Whiplash, where the electrical feedback overwhelms the armor, his Mark VI armor is more durable and shielded from electricity when we see him tussle with Thor and his armor takes a lightning strike from Mjolnir and redirects it.
In Iron Man 3 (2013), Tony’s armors (unhealthy boundaries) create problems for his relationship with Pepper. He continues to be driven by his anxiety to create better and better armor with more and more capabilities. But the fallout is that his reliance on his armor is what begins to define him (“I am… Iron Man”) He creates the Iron Legion (35 different armors for different situations) and even creates a version that he can control remotely and use to protect others that he feels compelled to protect. The armor is effective at protecting him physically, but his emotions leave him exposed and he cannot appreciate that vulnerability.
We often believe that vulnerability is weakness. However, when vulnerability is honored… when we can be appropriately vulnerable and the person/people honor our vulnerability and respect it, that same vulnerability can generate incredible closeness and trust. Properly navigated, vulnerability is the birthplace of intimacy, creativity and connection (Thanks, Brene Brown!) Tony finally begins to learn the flaws in his “I want to build a suit of armor around the world” philosophy that leads to his creation of Ultron, the big bad villain of the Avengers: Age of Ultron movie. He builds a team and starts to learn to trust others to be his team, his partners and he begins to find balance in using his armor (boundaries) when needed and using his other strengths to navigate situations that don’t require armor.
In Captain America: Civil War (2016), we learn that Tony has been doing a lot of soul searching to work on his emotional issues and the central theme of the movie is played out in Tony’s overreaching anxiety that leads him to try and control everything around him, polarizing his friends and teammates into opposing ideologies. However, it is Black Panther that manages to work through his grief and anger at the death of his father who has the most character growth in this movie.
In Avengers: Infinity War and Endgame, we finally get to see Tony learning to trust his teammates and open up to Pepper and although he still has some tendencies (stubbornness and overconfidence in his ego strength) that are troublesome, he has developed armor (Mark L) that is lightweight and flexible and based on nanotechnology. It is adaptable and versatile and most of all, he is able to use it when needed and he relies on his many other resources to navigate all of the movie’s troubles. This is the goal of boundaries. Not to limit how others can approach you (they’ll figure out ways to circumvent your boundaries if they can). Not to dictate how others should behave or control them. Boundaries give space to go about learning to have confidence in yourself and trust that you are powerful, versatile and able to respond as needed to just about any situation. Our world doesn’t become less dangerous or able to hurt us because we have boundaries, we become stronger and more capable to navigate in helpful and appropriate ways.
Anyhow, I hope this extended analogy is helpful to expand the concept of healthy boundaries.
-Jeff
