The Curious Case of the Naked Cake

Allow me to share a true story*:

So, I found myself this morning, navigating Dallas traffic, looking for the law offices of ... well, actually the specific office where my good friend, Everett New, works. Having driven for several hours, I found a parking space, fed the meter and carried a large cake box to the 33rd floor to surprise my friend for his birthday. Sounds pretty innocent, right? Read on...


DISCLAIMER: For those of you who normally follow my blog expecting spiritual enlightenment and enrichment, you might want to bail right now. What follows is a story of sneaky mischief and practical joking bordering on crass. You might be offended. You have been warned.




Okay, so let me start at the beginning...
My mom took a trip to see family and friends back east and I'd agreed to drive to DFW International Airport to pick her up. Contemplating the trip, I thought about calling upon my good friend Everett and asking if I could drive in on Sunday, stay the night at his place in Dallas, and be able to sleep late, pick Mom up at 11 and head back to Abilene. I sent Everett a note on Facebook explaining, but ultimately decided to just get up early on Monday and do a round-trip. However, I was reminded by the ubiquitous sidebar on my Home screen that Everett's birthday was Monday. This afforded me a unique opportunity and a long dormant sneaky part of my persona woke up.

Many years ago (1998, in fact), I met Everett when I started working for Enterprise Rent-a-Car in Plainview, Texas. It was a small branch and there was lots of downtime and Everett and I quickly discovered that we could have been separated at birth, so alike we were in wit and humor. We got along famously and became fast friends. However, the twit had somehow managed to arrange to take a day off in November which happened to be my birthday. leaving me to run the office by myself for a day. To make it up to me, and to play a bit of a joke, he arranged to have a cake delivered to cheer me up. He'd called my wife, Amelia, who was working at a bakery nearby and she helped arrange this:


I was slightly embarrassed and highly amused. So, thinking back to that incident all those years ago, I hatched a plan to visit revenge on my friend. What are friends, for, eh?
So, enlisting Amelia's blessing and help, she advised me that on a Sunday afternoon, I would be hard pressed to find a bakery which would/could whip out a specialty cake. But I could *make* one! So I got a cake board and box from a hobby store and after a trip to the supermarket, I was set. I borrowed a large pan (12x19) from my mother in law and got some help from Matt Dodd, my companion in this crime, to mix up the cake. Here is what I ended up with:


With the basic part of the cake, I gathered supplies for decorating purposes. I knew, for instance, that I would need to cut the cake into the basic curvy torso shape. Then I would need some cupcakes for the... 3D effects needed to convey the design. Those would need some decoration for accuracy sake. So, here is what I came up with to try out various configurations: Now, I'm a pretty creative guy and I know that I should try and work on the design because despite my creativity, I'm not very good at the artsy stuff like frosting cakes and piping and stuff. So I decided to try out a few designs. I used some Cherry Twizzlers to outline the basic shape and let my mock up... um... model a few different ... um... sizes, if you will, of cupcake. Here are some shots of those designs and configurations:

This would be the slender, petit version:

The slightly more roBUST version, with Hershey's Kisses instead of gumdrops:


... and what to do with all that leftover batter but make some cupcakes that can stand up proudly and lend some variety:
Oh, and just in case you're a Star Trek fan and have a thing for one of those Vega 3 ladies:


Having made an artistic decision about how I wanted to proceed, I shot one more picture of all the supplies I'd used, for documentation purposes:


I knew that Everett would appreciate the little details, so I created a mock up of a Bakery order form/receipt and included it on top of the box:


Then I created a card that would heighten the anticipation for him when I arrived at his prestigious, prominent law offices:


I fell asleep on Sunday night with a smile on my face, thinking about Everett's expression when I showed up at his office the next morning with my "Naked Cake". I just knew that he'd love the joke. Earlier in the evening, I'd emailed his wife, Heather, to make sure he would be at work the next day. I would hate to have put in all that effort into the joke only to have it be a BUST. I'm not sure I'd be able to BARE it. *snicker*

So, I arrived at his office at about 10 am and the receptionist greeted me and paged him to the front area. Everett came walking in and his face broke into a smile to see me. He said, "Jeff! What a great surprise! I thought you weren't going to be able to see me while you were in town..." his voice trailed off when he saw the cake box. His eyes went wide and he said, "Oh, NO! I know what this is!"

I broke out with a big grin of my own as the realization and memory of the infamous cake of '98 ran through his head. Everett laughed as I explained to his co-workers who happened to be nearby. "Years ago, Everett gave me a great cake to celebrate my birthday and I thought I'd return the favor." I passed around the picture at the top of this post, of me holding the cake Everett had commissioned. With mixed anticipation and trepidation, he began to open the box I'd brought. "Jeff, if I know you, you didn't just match my cake, you stepped up. I'm almost afraid ..."

I stopped him and had him read the card:


I pointed out that this was not just a birthday cake, but a revenge cake and whereas his cake had employed a feeble attempt at covering up the naughty bits with pasties, tassels, and a bikini, I knew I would have to deliver him a NAKED cake!

Laughing nervously, Everett opened the box...


to discover that I am indeed a man of my word. A *Naked* cake.


I mentioned that I can't decorate worth a darn, didn't I?

After trying out the different designs, I decided to utilize both the heightened anticipation of dread and the deliberate pun of a "naked" cake to entertain my dear friend. I did deliver all the other supplies so he could decorate to his ... um... taste preferences:


I don't mean to make mountains out of molehills here, but I was pretty pleased with how sneaky and, ultimately clever (lazy, whatever) I'd been in pulling this off. Everett's reactions were everything I'd hoped they be and I expect that this will be a level of silliness on a birthday that he'll remember... maybe for 12 more years before he catches me off guard...

Happy Birthday, friend.


*elements of this blog post (particularly dialogue) may be paraphrased, embellished and otherwise fabricated to facilitate the unfolding of the story. -mgmt

Do you see what I see?

Dear ______________,

I'm glad that you seem to be doing better. I enjoyed our talk today. It appears to me that you've been doing a lot of thinking about where you are and your choices and how you've reacted to things that have happened to you. I can only imagine the frustration that you feel right now, stuck in the place that you've landed. You told me that you didn't intend to end up here, but nonetheless, here you are. I asked you where you wanted to be and you didn't have an answer, or maybe you just didn't want to share that with me just yet. That's okay. As long as we keep talking, I'm sure we'll get there.

One thing confuses me, though, and I hope you can help me understand it a bit better. You seem angry about your circumstances, also a little hopeless. You mentioned that you just take life one day at a time, and react to what happens to you. I asked you about what your plans were, so that you could be more proactive and you told me that it was no use planning for things because you can't control the bad stuff that happens and it just ruins your plans anyhow. It made me sad to see that you have gotten caught in a self-fulfilling cycle. It goes like this: "I shouldn't make any plans for the future because too much can happen that would ruin my plans." Then something unexpected happens and you don't have any plans in place to mitigate the effect on you, which reinforces your belief that it does no good to plan for the future...

I can understand that from your perspective, my assertion that a lack of planning can equal an inability to dream, to see the myriad possibilities in front of you. When I told you that if you chose differently, that the outcome would be different, that probably seemed like I was talking gobbledygook.

It is like this, I feel like you are in a canyon, a ravine. You're standing at the bottom of it, seeing only two options: forward or backward. Door 1 or Door 2, each with consequences that keep you in the ravine. I'm up top, on a plain (kind of like West Texas, where you can see for miles in any direction). I call down to you and we talk about choices, but all you can see is what is in the ravine. I look around at 360 different directions I can take, choices I can make and wonder why you feel so limited. That's not really fair now, is it?

I understand why you feel so trapped. You have a need for others to see you as something. If you don't give in to the pressure from your peers, your family, you will be seen as... weak? untrustworthy? a wimp?

But what if the answer to your frustration, to your feeling stuck and trapped in your lifestyle was not forward or backward, but upward? What if you trusted me, the voice from above, who has a different perspective? You've got the basic ingredients already in the pot: discontent with where you are... motivation to change... new responsibilities that are helping you see beyond yourself to the interests of others... and you're beginning to see that when you are faced with the pressure to do something, you ALWAYS have the choice to NOT do something. I hope you can trust that I'm watching over you and I'm as close as a prayer when you need help. Despite what you've endured, I haven't forgotten you. I haven't forsaken you. My deepest desire is to open your eyes to the truth that with me, all things are possible.

Love, God.

Re-post

I usually only post my own musings and thoughts, but I appreciated this post on a friend's blog, I wanted to direct any/all my readers to this short post:

http://aministerswife.blogspot.com/2010/04/dont-make-me.html

Thanks, Caryn.

-jeff

Valuing the Gift

I read a quote from Augustine of Hippo: “It is easy to want things from the Lord and yet not want the Lord Himself, as though the gift could ever be preferable to the Giver.” and it got me thinking...

I'll bet that it is human nature to do this to each other in our relationships as well as spiritually, toward God. I immediately thought of birthdays and Christmas and all our traditions of gift-giving. When we get presents, often our focus is on the present itself and the quality of the gift. I can remember times when I was disappointed with the gift itself, my expectations exceeding my reality. However, I can't really remember a time when I even gave a thought to how I valued the giver. When it came to Christmas stuff, it was usually my parents or family who gave the gifts and there was the unspoken expectation that I would continue to love and value the person who gave the gift, so the relationship was pretty stable and secure. But, thinking about the above quote, I wonder how different my expectations would be if I took the time to think about the one giving the gift and how I do relationship with that person.

I'm at a point in my life where I don't really expect the gifts I receive to be extravagant or surprising. If I want a thing, I generally get it for myself, so all the stuff I really want is only limited by my patience and ability to pay for it. Now that I think about it, though, I am also at a point in my life where I have almost daily reminders of how I value the giver more than the gift when it comes to my kids. Yesterday, Mary Hannah brought home a craft she'd made at school. Technically, I guess it is a trivet, a ceramic hot pad for putting heated dishes on in a kitchen. It is very colorful. Not quite sure how functional it would be, but we'll probably hang on to it for it's artistic value rather than its usefulness (MH says it is an example of radial symmetry, but it looks kinda like a fruit pizza). At any rate, we oohed and aahed about it, not because it is spectacularly wonderful, useful, or beautiful, but because it came from our daughter. Definitely a case of valuing the giver and our relationship over the gift!

So, how do we do with non-tangible gifts that we give each other? For instance, the gift of shared time is one that is often undervalued and closely linked to the value we place on the giver. Early in our marriage, Amelia frequently wanted me to spend downtime in the same room as her. This was difficult because I was obsessed with a particular video game at the time and the computer was in another room. She didn't particularly want to do anything specific, she just wanted us to be together and was unwilling to sit and watch me play my game. Likewise, I was unwilling to sit and watch whatever show she was watching when my guildmates were hosting a raid! I think that situation is an example of how people perceive the gift and the giver differently. Amelia wanted me to give her the gift of shared time, but I was unwilling to do that. I wanted her to give me the gift of time to myself, but I was being selfish about it and devaluing the giver.

So, that gets me thinking about the gift of oneself. Augustine was basically saying that we place the emphasis on WHAT we are getting from God, when the true gift of God is the gift of HIMSELF. Everything that comes from being in relationship with God is just byproduct of the relationship itself. So, what if the corollary is true, that the true gifts we receive from others are just tangible pieces of what they are really offering: themselves, via relationship. There are varying levels of course. I wouldn't expect that someone who offers me a $10 giftcard for my birthday party was looking for a deep and abiding intense relationship. More likely, they are offering a passing mutual regard for each other, and that is okay. However, there are people in my life with whom I need to learn to look at our relationship itself as a gift, a gift that deserves to be valued in the highest place.

Who do you need to thank and appreciate for giving you the gift of themselves? Value both the gift and the giver at once! :)

-jeff

Need for Intuition

The Apple App Store has an offering called NFI (Need for Intuition).

The developers just revamped it an offered some new levels and I'm attempting to do a walkthrough of the ones I've figured out. Warning: there are spoilers for the levels.

First: I like this app because, without offering instructions, relies on one's intuition to figure out how to use Apple's innovative features of the iPhone to solve problems. So far, I've had to use touch, multi-touch, tapping, shaking, turning over, listening for sound and swiping in various combination to unlock the levels.

The game's latest version includes the ability to make more than one profile so that multiple users can play on the same device. It also added checkpoints so that you don't have to repeat each level in sequence to get to where you left off. Yay. That was getting annoying in the first version.

So... here are the solutions to the levels I've seen so far:

Level 1: Press the green button.
Solution: Duh. Press the green button.

Level 2: Press the green button redux
Solution: Press the green button while it is lit.

Level 3: Press the green button trifecta
Solution: Press the green button while it is lit, before it cycles.

Level 4: Foggy Mirror.
Solution: Use swipe motions to "wipe" the condensation off the mirror, revealing a Blue man next to the word: ElevatoR

Level 5: Matchbook
Solution: Use tap and hold to control the match and "strike" it on the rough element of the matchbook, causing it to ignite.

Level 6: Slingshot
Solution: Use tap and slide to "pull back" the slingshot and then release it to fire a bullet at the bird.

Level 7: Road Hazard
Solution: Tap the horn on the steering wheel repeatedly to cause the deer to move.

Level 8: Zippo
Solution: Use your finger to flick open the top of the zippo lighter. Then swipe your finger from left to right over the ignition wheel to light it.

Level 9: Toast
Solution: Use a swipe motion to move the glass on the left to the right and then use a swipe motion to move the glass on the right to the left, causing them to "clink" together.

Level 10: Champagne
Solution: Shake the iPhone until the bottle uncorks itself from the pressure buildup. Note: You may have to do this vigorously and it may take reorienting the device so that the cork is pointed up.

Level 11: Hourglass
Solution: Turn the device over so that the empty portion of the hourglass is on bottom and allow the sand to run into the empty portion.

Level 12: Fingerprint
Solution: Place your finger on the inkpad and leave it there for a few seconds. Then, pick up your finger and place it in the box on the paper to make your fingerprint.

Level 13: Combination
Solution: Note: Must have the sound on for this part. Carefully slide each part of the combination by using finger swipes until you hear a click. Once the number clicks, leave it alone and move on to the next one. When you have correctly identified the combination, the case will open. Note: The correct combination changes from game to game, so you'll have to use the technique to discover it each time.

Level 14: Snoring
Note: This amused me because you have to turn the volume up on level 13 in order to complete it, and then this level has a really annoying snoring sound the whole time, so it made me laugh, but my wife, who was trying to sleep when I got to this level threatened me if I didn't make it stop.
Solution: You must use multi-touch to cover both nostrils and the mouth for a few seconds to make him stop snoring.

Level 15: UFO
Solution: Use a swiping motion to move the targeting bracket over the UFO, then tap the camera icon in the bottom right to take a picture of it.

Level 16: Canoe race
Solution: Slide your finger along either side of the canoe to advance it along to the finish line. Alternate which side of the canoe you are swiping to avoid running into the bouys. This may take some practice to accomplish successfully.

Level 17: Tantrum
Solution: Shake your iPhone until the baby gets a tissue and stops crying. Otherwise, you'll get sneezed on! Ewww...

Level 18: Drowning.
Solution: Hold the iPhone upright and use a motion like you are casting a fishing rod to "throw" the life preserver to the drowning man. Careful, if you do it too lightly, you'll fall short and he'll drown. Do it too hard and you'll toss it past him. This level may take a few tries.

Level 19: Balloons
Solution: Not sure, my app keeps crashing every time I try this level.

Fun fun, I'll post more as I figure them out.


-jeff

Word Power

Okay, so I've been kicking around some ideas that combine a few different areas of thought for me. I think that they are complicated enough that I think I'm going to split them up into several posts to aid in comprehension (hopefully).

To start:
I love words. I'm not a word fanatic. I'm no sesquipedalian bore. Don't look to me to wax loquaciously about a subject by any means. I eschew obfuscation whenever possible. Okay, I'm just being silly. Really, though, I believe words are powerful. I believe they are formative. I believe that in some ways, we speak things into existence. Not literal, concrete things per se, but our words shape our reality.

For instance, there is a thought that our self-identities are formed at a young age. What we hear about ourselves usually shapes what we think about ourselves. You tell a kid they are a stupid, good-for-nothing and parents wonder why their kid grows up, lagging behind in school and generally getting in trouble. On the flip side, parents who tell their kids they are smart and capable generally have kids who do well and have self-confidence.

I dislike labels, except on soup cans. I see clients with labels all the time: Alcoholic, cheat, liar, depressed, etc. Labels are helpful for identification, true, but when one's identity becomes wrapped up in the label, problems follow. Words are powerful to shape our reality.

I tell clients, "Don't tell your kid that he's a bad boy. He's just a boy. He may make bad decisions or have bad behavior, but he can change those things. It is harder to change who you are." Or with another therapy couple, "Don't call him a liar. When you resort to name-calling, it is a way of making that behavior out to be something that a person is rather than something a person does. When you are angry, labeling him as a liar makes that all he is, so nothing he says after that point has any power because if he is a liar, everything he'll respond with will be doubted." Words are powerful.

Words can be positive and formative, too. Take a look at this remarkable video: (Click here to be redirected to YouTube). It is a neat, feel good film about the power of words to change perceptions.

So the second area that I've been thinking about that blends in with the first thought concerns where the power behind Words comes from. Here are my thoughts:

Start at the beginning. How do things start out? God calls everything into existence by speaking. God created the heavens and the earth... then he speaks, "Let there be light" and there was light. God speaks again and voila: Sky to separate the waters above from the waters below. God not only creates, but he names. Out of all of this creation that he sees and deems good, only one part of it is made in his likeness. What if part of being made in his likeness is tied up in our sharing the ability to, in some limited fashion, harness the power of words?

Fast forward to after the flood (Genesis chapter 11, if you care to read it). The world is once again teeming with people and they have to spread out to find space. Scripture notes that everyone had a common language and speech. Given that everyone is able to communicate effectively, they decide to do something spectacular: reach for metaphorical immortality by creating a city that reaches to the heavens. God notes their efforts and comments:
⁶ The LORD said, "If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them.

Wow. That is pretty amazing. So, the same All-powerful Being who, mere chapters ago, spoke the universe into existence seems to indicate that with the remarkable skill of being able to communicate, nothing they purpose to do will be impossible for them.

Pros: God seems to indicate that we could do powerful things if we use our words to build up.
Cons: With enough cooperation, we could also end up destroying ourselves.

Other thoughts on the power of words from scripture to follow...
-jeff

Dis*ap*point -verb (used with an object)

dis·ap·point
   /ˌdɪsəˈpɔɪnt/
–verb (used with object)
1.
to fail to fulfill the expectations or wishes of: His gross ingratitude disappointed us.


This word, this concept of disappointment has come up several times in the past few days. When something crops up like that, repeatedly, I try to give it some attention. How do you deal with people being disappointed with you? How do you deal with being disappointed by others? What does it even mean to you?

I had a client tell the other day that coming back to a therapy session was difficult because there was a fear that I would be disappointed in the client. I was a bit taken aback. I had to ask myself whether I was disappointed. The thought never occurred to me to be disappointed in my client. I reframed the thought and we moved on...

Later, I was talking with the parents of a youth and the word 'disappoint' caught my attention again. I had the privilege of being asked to baptize a teen that I'd worked with in my former role as a minister to youth in Oklahoma. Her mom told me that when talking to her daughter about being baptized, she asked, "If you know it is something you should do, why haven't you already done it?" Her daughter told her that she didn't want to be a disappointment to God. As I continued talking to the mother, I became curious what it meant to "disappoint" someone. She told me that growing up, she would rather her mother get angry at her than to be disappointed in her. I understand that concept, but I never really stopped to consider what it really meant.

With my own children, I try to avoid getting angry, or if I am, I at least try to be honest about it. Sometimes when I'm disciplining one of my kiddos, I have to wait until my anger dies down so I can think clearly and be more effective. When that happens and I'm able to talk to the whichever child it is, I have used that phrase. You know the one... "I'm very disappointed in you..." instead of "I'm very angry with you..." Before now, I thought I had a handle on what I meant, but now I'm not so sure.

Being bothered by not being sure, I started to think about what it meant to disappoint someone, or be disappointed in someone or something. Before I looked up the definition, I came to the conclusion that it had to do with 'expectations'.

If I expect something to be a certain way and the reality of that thing falls short of my expectation, I'm sure to be disappointed.
If I believe that someone expects a certain thing of me and I am unable/unwilling to meet that expectation, I'm sure to disappoint that someone.

So, really, does disappointment have to do more with perception of reality than it does with reality itself? What if I hold no expectations about a person or a situation? Does that mean I am immune to disappointment where that person or situation is concerned? Is it even really possible to hold *no* expectations?

Where this concept sticks in my craw is where it has to do with a person's perception of him or herself. How terrible is it to live with the idea that you have to meet a person's expectations of who or what you ought to be in order to not consider yourself to be a disappointment? Surprisingly I see it all the time, and not just with my therapy clients. I think it is a more pervasive problem than we like to admit.

Tonight, I wrote a message to a friend trying to explain that I was not going to add this friend to my contacts in Facebook. Note that I am being very specific in my wording in that previous sentence. I have a friend. A person that I value enough to consider a friend in real life. That friend wants to be a contact of mine on Facebook. Facebook uses the phrase, "Add this person as a friend" and creates an expectation. The unspoken phrasing is that if I do not add this person to my contact list, then somehow, that person is no longer my friend, or that I don't wish to be friends with that person. Voila! I have just disappointed my friend.
It is insidious, isn't it? How we create expectations (sometimes unwittingly, although I think the creators of Facebook did it on purpose to create this very situation) by creating perceptions that don't always reflect the reality of the situation.

In truth, not adding a person to my list of contacts on Facebook (or MySpace, or Twitter, or LinkedIn, etc) doesn't change anything. It just means I didn't add them to my contact list. It is not a venue in which I wish to interact with this particular friend. Could it mean something else? Sure. But does it?

In the situation with my children, where I use this concept of setting expectations and the possibility of disappointing me as a discipline tool... is that too manipulative? I don't think it has to be. As a parent, it is my sacred task to set clear, reasonable expectations for my children to grow and develop. I leverage my relationship with them, my love and affection for them, into behavior modification. But a parent has to be careful here, as it is easy to overdo it and create expectations that are unreasonable and leave a child feeling inadequate and unable to ever please the parent. Then they may end up in therapy later, wondering why they feel like a failure when they come home for the holidays despite their diplomas and six-figure salaries.

Perhaps I've spent too little time over the years working out how I disappoint or am disappointed by others. The more I think about it, the more I see how pervasive this idea, this concept truly is.

So, what can I do about it? First, I think it is probably a good idea to do some "meta-thinking", that is, thinking about how one thinks. Do you have reasonable expectations about things or do you always blow things out of proportion? Perhaps the opposite is true and you're too laid back and don't take things seriously enough. That is precisely the case I've seen in some pre-marital couples when they come to counseling. One member of the couple doesn't step up to the level of expectation of the other and it leads to all sorts of hidden resentment. So, step 1 is to consider your own expectations and evaluate whether they are reasonable.
Next, it is probably a good idea to think about what other's expectations are of you. Has someone set unreasonable or unachievable expectations on you that you've spent lots of time trying to live up to? How does that make you feel? Like a failure, hmmm? What if you were able to unshackle yourself from unreasonable expectations and say, "No, that is unreasonable. I refuse to be held to this unreasonable expecation." What would change in your life? In your relationships?
Let me know, would you? I'm really curious, and you don't want to disappoint your friend, do you?